the alcool thing is good to know. I'm french so sorry for my lack of words.
I dont think I will be able to go for a breakthrough dose if Im high on weed. just to much anxiety coming from the weed itself.
I love weed, bit to much even, but the sort of edginess adds to much of stress.
I'll try to drink a couple of beers tonight and see if I can do it. the more I talk about the spice to my GF the more she wants to try it.
I dont know whats up with me but I am understanding tons of stuff about me and how I see life just because I cant take the dmt dose. it tells me that I try to control my life because I dont trust life. Ive been raised by a paranoid mother that always take everything like a drama. I'm learning to that I'm afraid of life and of new experiences. In need of control, because Im so damn scared of death.
I thought a lot about my sub-breakthrough experience.
I now remember the first hallucination Ive seen. Right after exhaling my second hit, their was a sort of elve, female I think. She just popped up so fast and left so fast that I didnt remember at first. When I saw her, she like popped out in my vision and leaves went around her as if she cammed out from a bush, it felt like a videogame. She was sort of dressed in green and was surrounded by the spirals, she just dissapered right away. I think that this might have been the plant spirit? The only thing I can think of is that she was welcoming me. The first thing I have seen was that elves. I find this so special. she really came in my vision and I really felt as if she was the sort of welcomer!
I also understand what the red face were telling me. I have to admit I was terrefied about the spirals that was happenin. I was only looking at my right the whole time, eyes closed. what those red face were telling me by pointing to the left is that they were trying to help me to see what was really happening or at least to stop concentrating on the negative hallucinations. I kept on looking at those bizarre and frightening spirals but on my left, I was seeing something in white or some sort. the red faces were telling me to stop being frighetened and blinded by my fears and see the light that was right there!! I find this quite special also because it makes me think of yin-yan signs. the black being on the right side and the light on the left side! well the fear was clearly at my right and I wasnt able to see what was at my left. when I tried to look at it I think I seen a sort of big statue covered that was emanating light!
Godammit. it was so evident. My whole awareness was toward the weird spirals, the red faces were telling me to look at light.
anyways, the fact that I'm confronted by dmt is helping tremedously. I know im not ready for it, but I'm relearning what I already knew. I used to let go a lot when I was yonger on shrooms, I need to get that back.
I'm learning some mantra like om or the fealsee mantra which I ned to clearly integrate. I cant control everything in my life. I will die and I need to accept this. I need to accept that I will fear, that fear is good, that fear is part of me.
ok whatever about my ego,. it gets things worst
cheers
and thats a good thing..
