Horrific, Obsessive, Episodic Fears

[Nathanial.Dread]

Hi guys, this is a topic that's kind of hard for me to start, but I can't think of a better community of people to bring it to. Any and all help would be appreciated, I'm sorry this is a long post.

My whole life, I have been plagued with these terrible, recurring bouts of anxiety, centered on things that, while disturbing, have no reason to elicit the kind of chronic panic that they do.

I can remember three, multi-month long periods of high-level, chronic anxiety in my life. It is impossible to overstate how all-consuming this fear is. Imagine having a panic attack for several months.

- When I was a small child (elementary school aged) I become convinced that I was going to Hell. I could not think of anything but my own impending damnation, and engaged in vivid and horrifying fantasies about what it would be like to die and fall into Hell. During that time, I also remember delusional beliefs. I would see seemingly random occurrences and I would KNOW, on some intuitive level, that they were signs from God that I was damned. This was mostly between ages 4-10.

- My junior year of high school, I became horrifically obsessed with a horror movie (never mind, which one). For about 9 months, it was all I could think about, I was constantly having anxiety attacks and honestly thought about killing myself because I was so desperately afraid of what was in my head. At the same time, I compulsively sought out stimuli that triggered it (the Wikipedia entry, trailers, articles, anything but the film itself). Eventually, that went away on its own.

- My last relationship fell apart because I became terrified my girlfriend would leave. Granted, she had a history of breaking up with me unexpectedly so it may have been somewhat justified, but like all the other times, it became a constant, all consuming source of anxiety. I developed delusions again as well: seeing pattern and intention in the most irrelevant stimuli. We ended the relationship, realizing it was toxic for both of us.

I cannot stress how unbearably horrifying each of these instances has been, but I never told my parents or friends I was going through this and consequently was never medicated or visited a therapist.

The last year or so has been fine, but I can feel new anxiety coming back, this time in the form of some kind of monster that watches me as I try and fall asleep.
I have no idea what kind of bizarre mental disorder I was born with, the symptoms are closes to PTSD, but none of the stimuli (a church service, a movie trailer, a bad relationship) should trigger post traumatic stress disorder.

I can't do another twelves months of constant fear. It prompted me to fall into drugs once and I managed to deal with it, but I can't afford to do it again.
Where do I go from here? I've gotten relief from psilocybin mushrooms, but I'd really rather not get on some kind of pharmaceutical medication from the for-profic industry.

Thanks, and love
~ ND

 

[DeMenTed]

I feel for you man, that sounds pretty terrifying. I have no answers but just want to show you support and let you know that you have people here at the nexus that care about you.

The only thing i can think of is maybe see a psychologist and/or a hypnotherapist to see if you can uncover this deep rooted fear. Much love and positive thoughts your way brother.

 

[Gowpen]

Hi ND, sounds like you have had a hard time of it my friend.
Sounds like you have some fear issues compounded by fear of fear, If that makes sense.
At some point there may be a real need to face these fears to get rid of them for good.

My understanding of Ayahausca compells me to steer you that way. There are a number of retreats and communities who will discuss this openly and without bias with you, and may recommend Aya.

Facing ones fears is a mammouth task, but I feel essential for wholeness and future well being. Often we all harbour these inner workings and intergrate them as being part of who we are. This is not neccessarily so, and working with them can release you from your pain and open a whole new way of being in this mixed up place we call society.

Read up on The Blue Morpho Ayahausca centre. The while light centre etc etc....
Connect (like you are doing with this thread and the Nexus) to others who understand. Find others who have real knowledge of your experiences. Stay away from alcohol and speed if you are close to them. Be kind and generous to yourself. Self esteem is your friend.

When you do get rid of these unwanted feelings (and you will) you will feel so refreshed and new and open.
Be not afraid, as there is no fear but fear itself.

See you in 'chat' on this site.......
G

 

[cyb]

ND
Can I ask why you had any notion of hell at such a young age? Were you force fed religious nonsense as a child?
IMO that is a sure fire way to scare the begeesus out of a kid and imprint unnecessary mental scars that carry into adulthood.
It does sound like a form of PTSD. Not sure if drugs are the answer here and weed especially has the potential to compound an issue.
Pro psychology sounds like a favourable route to uncover the root cause. If the root is found then maybe Aya could consolidate and close the issue.
I've had similar, although not as extreme, episodes as a child...almost certainly hormone imbalances.
Wish the best outcome for you mate.

 

[Jin]

its ok to be afraid , yet what is the point of fear in the face of death

since its a well know fact we are all going to die , there is no reason to be afraid

i always keep this in mind , it serves as a great equalizer for me

 

[Nathanial.Dread]

Thanks guys. I'll look into Ayahuasca ceremonies, and if the monster in my room keeps coming back, I guess I'll suck it up and see a real therapist.

It's just hard, you know? I kind of feel like a crazy person?

Cyb - Was raised in a irreligious household, both my parents are powerfully atheist. I can't remember the first time I became aware that there was some idea of an afterlife of suffering, but it really stuck with me.

I'm not asking for a diagnosis, but does this sound like anything anyone's heard of? I had hoped that someone would say, "oh, you're obviously expressing symptoms of disorder XYZ, described in the DSM," but I suppose not.

 

[Gowpen]

Thanks guys. I'll look into Ayahuasca ceremonies, and if the monster in my room keeps coming back, I guess I'll suck it up and see a real therapist.

It's just hard, you know? I kind of feel like a crazy person?

Cyb - Was raised in a irreligious household, both my parents are powerfully atheist. I can't remember the first time I became aware that there was some idea of an afterlife of suffering, but it really stuck with me.

I'm not asking for a diagnosis, but does this sound like anything anyone's heard of? I had hoped that someone would say, "oh, you're obviously expressing symptoms of disorder XYZ, described in the DSM," but I suppose not.

Dont look in the DSM.... It labels people who become the disease..... and food for the drug companies...

'Anxiety attacks' can lead to bad physical health.... Medicine only treats symptoms. Like getting a hammer and smashing the red flashing oil light, then keep driving...... not a good idea.
Being aware is often half the cure.... work on it with a therapist......
Love and peas G

 

[jamie]

ayahuasca, and then san pedro, or mushrooms followed by san pedro maybe a week or 2 apart with lots of time for integration might help you. The san pedro is something I want to stress becasue it can be a great ally in helping to integrate some of the tryptamine stuff.

It sounds also like you need to just chill out and stop thinking about it so much..maybe take some time away from work or w/e if you can afford it and just relax or go on vacation. Probly easier to do than say but I would be willing to bet your stressing out way more than is healthy and probly pushing your adrenals pretty hard etc, feeding into a sort of feedback loop.

Sometimes, fear really IS the mindkiller. So relax.

 

[Jungleheart]

It's probably going to reappear in a way that you can handle, allowing yourself to become conscious of it and process the past trauma in the preset coincidentally.

 

[Nathanial.Dread]

ayahuasca, and then san pedro, or mushrooms followed by san pedro maybe a week or 2 apart with lots of time for integration might help you. The san pedro is something I want to stress becasue it can be a great ally in helping to integrate some of the tryptamine stuff.

It sounds also like you need to just chill out and stop thinking about it so much..maybe take some time away from work or w/e if you can afford it and just relax or go on vacation. Probly easier to do than say but I would be willing to bet your stressing out way more than is healthy and probly pushing your adrenals pretty hard etc, feeding into a sort of feedback loop.

Sometimes, fear really IS the mindkiller. So relax.

Thanks for the regimine, Jamie. I don't know how easily I can source all that stuff, but I'll do my best. I'm certainly going to brew up some Ayahuasca to work through this as soon as I'm able.

The problem is, I can't chill out. Meditation, relaxation, socializing, nothing helps, even if I'm not thinking about it directly, I always have this weird feeling in my stomach and strange cold, tightness in my chest.

If I could just stop, I wouldn't be here right now.

 

[Jin]

listening to music all the time and paying attention to breath works real good

 

[Xemnas]

My heart goes out to you, friend. Anxiety can be extremely tough, but do not give up hope! You just need to keep working at it, and if it's rooted deeply into your history, memories and now the way you think, it simply may take a little more time to purge yourself of these things. As long as you keep thinking positively, and surround yourself with positive things, your mind will do all it can to straighten itself out.

An option that hasn't been talked about yet is MDMA therapy. Studies have shown that when used properly it can be tremendous for dealing with things like anxieties and PTSD, which you may possibly have a form of, from the sounds of it. Simply put, for some people, it can allow you to examine thoughts and aspects of your mind and life that otherwise can be too scary or painful to analyze. Now, one has to be extremely careful with this path as to not simply rely on the drug to feel better, but one must remember to integrate what they experience, as always. At the very least, I recommend looking into this.

It's difficult for us here to give too much advice medically since we're not professional doctors or anything and we don't know exactly what your situation is like. I understand your not wanting to take pharmaceutical drugs, but if you haven't been in contact with a doctor of some sort about this, I recommend it.

Sending positive vibes your way.

 

[Orion]

I'm no shrink but...

Is there any one core fear which you think underlies your state of mind? Is it possible you are attributing something much deeper to events on the outer surface (movies, girlfriends, etc.) ? I say this because I have had a similar experience in the past, though not as dramatic. Is there any one thing in your life which, if you never had to worry about ever again, might allow you to rest ?

 

[Shenzi]

Hey there, brother! Sorry to hear of your troubles. I can empathise, my brain has a tendency to give me comparable issues. The symptoms you describe resemble OCD, without the C. Meaning you have irrational fears but do not perform compulsive rituals to negate the 'obsession'.

One thing you must try to remind yourself is that the fear is an irrational one, and therefore not worthy of your attention. (This is important; finding your rational compass can really take the power out of the fear and help reorient yourself.) You will have to make a conscious effort to negate the fear, but it will get better with time as you do it more. Active resistance can be unhelpful too, by diverting your energy and focus and causing friction. So you want to find a way to put the issue to the side rather than feed it one way or another. Finding that balance takes practice but is key to maintaining internal harmony.

Another related technique is to look at it from afar, as if viewing some thing abstract, thinking to yourself 'oh, that's a thought', or 'it's that feeling'. A perspective like that helps you to not identify with the thought or feelings, allowing you some distance and peace.

You might find SSRIs (conventional antidepressants) to be helpful, you might not. If this is an avenue that seems potentially useful to you, by all means, pursue it. remember that if you wish discontinue use you should taper down slowly to avoid withdrawals. Also, psychedelics such as MDMA and psilocybin will generally be ineffective when you are taking them.

I would advise avoiding psychoactive drugs in general... any destabilising influences could hamper your efforts. And, as applies to most recommendations I would make to anyone, of any issue, is trying to maintain a healthy diet, sleeping regime, and exercise, if possible.
Fruit, vegetables, and a sensible bed time are real game changers for me in terms of stress.

Lastly, you might want to consider seeing a professional therapist. You could try applying some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques - with or without a therapist to guide you, they can be very helpful.

Good luck.

 

[Handel]

This worked for me last year when I was faced with a very difficult surgery: http://eugenia.queru.com/2013/08/08/getting-rid-of-depression-and-anxiety/ give it a chance!

 

[Inner Paths]

One thing you must try to remind yourself is that the fear is an irrational one, and therefore not worthy of your attention. (This is important; finding your rational compass can really take the power out of the fear and help reorient yourself.) You will have to make a conscious effort to negate the fear, but it will get better with time as you do it more. Active resistance can be unhelpful too, by diverting your energy and focus and causing friction. So you want to find a way to put the issue to the side rather than feed it one way or another. Finding that balance takes practice but is key to maintaining internal harmony.

Another related technique is to look at it from afar, as if viewing some thing abstract, thinking to yourself 'oh, that's a thought', or 'it's that feeling'. A perspective like that helps you to not identify with the thought or feelings, allowing you some distance and peace.

Great advice! I had problems following a journey on LSD unearthing some unconscious material that needed dealing with and exacerbated my tendencies towards an obsessional mind (a personality trait that is usually quite helpful as a musician/artist and when attention for detail is needed) and triggered some unpleasant obsessional thinking.

The technique you mentioned is very similar to a technique from a book called "Brain Lock" by Dr Jeffery Schwartz. A big part of it is labelling whatever thought you have, as well as emotions you may feel too. Which will distance you from the thoughts and emotions and hopefully lessen and eventually extinguish the fear. This technique helped immensely for me and put me on the path to healing.

Look up the book if curious, best regards

 

[Nathanial.Dread]

Thank you guys all for advice. This is such a supportive community

I was speaking to a therapist, and she said that a lot of what I was described presented like PTSD, which the small problem that none of the things I've experienced (a church service, a horror movie trailer, a breakup) are classically traumatic.

My mother is very depressed/anxious, and I know that if your mother has emotional issues while pregnant with you, that can result in mental health issues in your life, so that made me think that maybe there's something wrong with my limbic system such that things healthy people might shrug off trigger a panic/trauma reaction in my brain.

Does that sound at all plausible? Is that a thing that can happen?

Blessings, I love you all
~ND

 

[Entheogenerator]

ND,
I think I have experienced/ experience something similar to what you have described here, though perhaps to a lesser degree. Often when I am trying to fall asleep, I get this sudden visualization of something horrible standing over my bed and watching me. Sometimes it's some indescribable monster, sometimes a grotesque decaying woman with a weapon in her hands, and so on. Logically, I know that this is highly unlikely for a number of reasons but I still feel compelled to rip off my sleep-mask and check, just to be sure. It does not affect me quite as significantly as your troubles seem to affect you, but it certainly is an annoyance.

I wish I had a recommendation for you that had not already been mentioned in this thread, but a lot of these suggestions sounds like they might be very helpful for you. I wish you the best of luck in conquering this situation.

 

[beacon]

i believe psychotherapy (with a qualified, well-reviewed therapist) is the best foundation for self-improvement. not saying it's the only one, but i don't think psychedelics will give you a clear answer by themselves when the core issue is so confusing to begin with.

 

[Mistletoe Minx]

Hi N.

So sorry to here about your anxiety episodes. They sound really severe. It must be nightmarish. I guess everyone suffers from anxiety from time to time but your situation sounds particularly acute. You aren't alone though. It isn't uncommon to have debilitating anxiety.

Im suprised you havent spoken to your family or friends about this, mate. You should. Talking to people face to face is a good way to exorcise fears. It is a good part of a strategy to control your anxiety. But probably not essential if you don't feel close enough to people to talk to them so freely.

You say you feel like a crazy person. You shouldn't. There is no 'normal mind' to speak of. We all have our peculiarities and are all on the continuum of crazy. In this day an age the stigma associated with mental problems is fading. Thank goodness. It sounds like you have one, but you shouldn't complicate it by worrying about that. Look, I have bad teeth. And it gets debilitating because sometimes they flare up and I don't go to the dentist. I don't acknowledge my problem because, well frankly, Im embarrased about it.

sounds like you have fears that amplify when you obsess about them. There are strategies that you can use to deal with that. It takes practice. People say "relax", but how do you do that? These thoughts you get plagued with probably seem to have some autonomy, is that right? They spring themselves upon you and seem tricky to vanquish?

Personally, I'ld go a see a psycho-therapist. Be a little wary, use your common sense. If they just prescribe you pills, then maybe look for another. Look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which tends not to be drug based and yet (I hear) is pretty successful. What you want is a bunch of cognitive strategies that will help you control those semi-autonomous thoughts and fears. It does sound like you are very self aware, and understand what triggers these episodes. I think thats half the battle.

Good luck.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_therapy.htm