dreamsmaytickle
Rising Star
Well guys, I had my first DMT experience last Monday and I am still not quite back.
Here is some background as I think this will provide context to my story. I started a relationship with shrooms last October and after falling in love have 100+ trips in the banks of my memory. They helped me significantly with my so-called depression and nihilistic/mechanical western world view. I became very passionate about Zen which led me to a weird spot- I was constantly seeking the spontaneity that shrooms provided during and some time after each trip and found the enlightened state beautiful- in truly losing the separate ego- yet I was chasing "nothing". It made life feel as if it were just a game and it was hard for me to take anything too seriously. Which was nice sometimes, but I struggled to be sincere and although I wanted to express compassion, I was constantly blowing up any ideals. So from then I can admit I was seeking purpose.
I have had a couple drug-related breakthrough experiences in my life, 2 from DPT (didn't remember much) and once with MJ after a long stretch of microdosing shrooms which surprised me.
Excited to try DMT with an intention simply of curiosity and to perhaps grow and get out of my Zen trap, I prepared the trip with a 50mg dose. The first go I didn't breakthrough but felt just about what I expected. A super weird speedy, pumping body feeling with a dim mandala forming with closed eyes. I tried again with the same bowl after waiting until baseline and felt less. Third times the charm, I reloaded the bowl with a fresh 50mg. I do not remember any of the transitional period... straight to hyperspace. Then somehow past it. So here's the experience.
Pain like I never felt before. After thinking about it some time, it would be most relatable to a constant electric shock. My ego was entirely gone, no sense of I, no entities, just the pain and what I could call visual patterns in darkness that were experienced physically. This felt like eternity. The crazy thing is I felt as if I had been in that state many times before. I could not think, I was not present... just the extreme pain and some very weird alienlike patterns moving at extreme speeds and intensity. The only way I can describe this place is an energy-soup of hell.
Coming out of the experience into my body again I was ecstatic, I said "I like thissss" with an alien voice and then kept saying thank you, thank you, thank you because feeling normal felt so much better than where I was. My ego half returned after a few hours and that's when I became horrified at the hell I just experienced. I had nothing to blame for the pain as it did not feel intentional, almost like a natural disaster.
Now almost a week later I've got a smile on my face because I know DMT has changed my life bigtime. I now have the respect I did not have before and I can now appreciate how deep the rabbit hole goes. In many ways I take life much more seriously yet fear death no more. I realize how "specific" the typical reality/illusion is and am more confident with myself whatever that self may be. I've been motivated to change certain things in my life because I'm done pretending I'm ok with everything that happens. I will no longer fight the desire for action. I want to be a hand of change and will allow the Universe to work through me, however that will go. I am working hard again on my sci-fi novel of which DMT will now have a large impact. I believe in magic once again.
One note I would like to make... there is a feeling that the DMT onset gave me which I now find some words to describe. Last night I experienced the same thing (sober since Monday). I will call it the "Twilight Zone" effect. A feeling or realization that everything is totally bizarre and this begins to auto-resonate the mind as an intense rush... for just a second or two like a flashback. As if the illusion is what protects me from returning to the DMT space. Note that I've experienced similar (yet likely less intense) moments such as these throughout my life before I even started shrooms. Like waking up right before you totally fall asleep...
I will likely find myself trying DMT sometime again in the future, but will start with a much smaller dose. Would ayahuasca be a more... I don't want to use the word predictable... would there be less chance for that kind of pain?
Thanks for reading! I would love to hear any thoughts or suggestions!
Newfound respect, compassion, and progress
Update: Made a song to describe the experience best I can
song
Here is some background as I think this will provide context to my story. I started a relationship with shrooms last October and after falling in love have 100+ trips in the banks of my memory. They helped me significantly with my so-called depression and nihilistic/mechanical western world view. I became very passionate about Zen which led me to a weird spot- I was constantly seeking the spontaneity that shrooms provided during and some time after each trip and found the enlightened state beautiful- in truly losing the separate ego- yet I was chasing "nothing". It made life feel as if it were just a game and it was hard for me to take anything too seriously. Which was nice sometimes, but I struggled to be sincere and although I wanted to express compassion, I was constantly blowing up any ideals. So from then I can admit I was seeking purpose.
I have had a couple drug-related breakthrough experiences in my life, 2 from DPT (didn't remember much) and once with MJ after a long stretch of microdosing shrooms which surprised me.
Excited to try DMT with an intention simply of curiosity and to perhaps grow and get out of my Zen trap, I prepared the trip with a 50mg dose. The first go I didn't breakthrough but felt just about what I expected. A super weird speedy, pumping body feeling with a dim mandala forming with closed eyes. I tried again with the same bowl after waiting until baseline and felt less. Third times the charm, I reloaded the bowl with a fresh 50mg. I do not remember any of the transitional period... straight to hyperspace. Then somehow past it. So here's the experience.
Pain like I never felt before. After thinking about it some time, it would be most relatable to a constant electric shock. My ego was entirely gone, no sense of I, no entities, just the pain and what I could call visual patterns in darkness that were experienced physically. This felt like eternity. The crazy thing is I felt as if I had been in that state many times before. I could not think, I was not present... just the extreme pain and some very weird alienlike patterns moving at extreme speeds and intensity. The only way I can describe this place is an energy-soup of hell.
Coming out of the experience into my body again I was ecstatic, I said "I like thissss" with an alien voice and then kept saying thank you, thank you, thank you because feeling normal felt so much better than where I was. My ego half returned after a few hours and that's when I became horrified at the hell I just experienced. I had nothing to blame for the pain as it did not feel intentional, almost like a natural disaster.
Now almost a week later I've got a smile on my face because I know DMT has changed my life bigtime. I now have the respect I did not have before and I can now appreciate how deep the rabbit hole goes. In many ways I take life much more seriously yet fear death no more. I realize how "specific" the typical reality/illusion is and am more confident with myself whatever that self may be. I've been motivated to change certain things in my life because I'm done pretending I'm ok with everything that happens. I will no longer fight the desire for action. I want to be a hand of change and will allow the Universe to work through me, however that will go. I am working hard again on my sci-fi novel of which DMT will now have a large impact. I believe in magic once again.
One note I would like to make... there is a feeling that the DMT onset gave me which I now find some words to describe. Last night I experienced the same thing (sober since Monday). I will call it the "Twilight Zone" effect. A feeling or realization that everything is totally bizarre and this begins to auto-resonate the mind as an intense rush... for just a second or two like a flashback. As if the illusion is what protects me from returning to the DMT space. Note that I've experienced similar (yet likely less intense) moments such as these throughout my life before I even started shrooms. Like waking up right before you totally fall asleep...
I will likely find myself trying DMT sometime again in the future, but will start with a much smaller dose. Would ayahuasca be a more... I don't want to use the word predictable... would there be less chance for that kind of pain?
Thanks for reading! I would love to hear any thoughts or suggestions!
Newfound respect, compassion, and progress
Update: Made a song to describe the experience best I can
song