Hello friend,
I hope what I am writing finds you well.
First let me start with little bit of background. Me and my friend who also enjoys probing his consciousness get together sometimes, and probe. These things have to be planned because of work and classic human stuff. So its not always so easy. Also mushrooms have to be grown. Lately I had some contamination issues, so we have been long overdue... Usually we watch some movie (specifically selected), listen to music and have some talks.
We take 5g of mushrooms blended in lemon juice with 3g of peganum harmala, each.
I don't eat 6 hours prior to this, and I try to watch my diet - go light that day.
I have purged from rue before, (I even wrote about it on nexus) once alone, once I scared my friend. Purges happened when I increased rue dosage - once 5g and once 4g.
Day of our get together I am at work, I am exited, I want to work on some things during the trip and also it has been a long time since last time. I am quite busy and I find myself insanely hungry. I go for my break to eat something. At the convenience store I stand before refrigerator and look at the hamburgers - cheap stuff packed in plastic. Here is exact line of thought from my head:
"It is almost 14:00 so its quite late, I should eat only something small, or I might end up throwing up. Also I do not know what's in this stuff, it might interact with harmalas, meat is also not good idea... You wouldn't wanna ruin night you have been looking forward to, for a long time like this. It is really risky. Look at it, if you close this store down and come year later this thing in plastic will still be the same. Also regardless of today, you don't want to put in your body anyway, its not something you should ever eat... it looks disgusting and only thing it has common with food is the plastic packaging..."
I say fuck it. I pick it up. I pay for it with my hard earned money. Take it to work, microwave it, and start eating. It tasted exactly same terrible way it always tasted. Act of eating it is act of punishing yourself.
Few hours later, I have mixed the mushrooms with other ingredients, and I am already at my friends house. We have a smoke, and go about drinking the smoothie. I burped and I can smell and feel that unholy abomination I ate 5 hours prior. I think "I should tell him that we should wait at least hour, he will understand, knows what is at risk" and then again "fuck it".
We drink the stuff.
Usually you drink something like this and first 30 minutes (at least) you feel iffy. Then it gets better and you are on your way. That day after 30 minutes pain came. Same pain I felt when I overdid rue. When I overdid rue, stomach pain came few hours in. Here it was here we are not even fully on our journey. Unsuccessful purging comes, I am drinking lemon balm tea my friend made... I am on the ground in pain, listening to beautiful music (try Havasi - thank me later).
I am in pain. Scared to move to not start heaving again. And I am angry. You cant imagine how angry I am.
Personally, I always say, you cant be angry at someone who didn't knew better. Small kids, stupid humans, doesn't matter.
But point of being conscious being is to predict future, to be able to avoid mistakes, to try to know, to be able to do better.
And I, ladies and gentlemen, am laying here, in pain. With knowledge that I am what is wrong with humanity. I am specimen who knew exactly, knew everything, every path, had every reason, and still chose to do the wrong thing. I am laying here, and I am exactly the thing I can be angry at. Because I knew better and did it anyway...
I would scream, but I am in pain. I would hit the ground, but I am in pain. I cant blame anyone but myself. Only thing left is to work thru my anger, my disappointment in myself.
Eventually after few hours, I made it. Pain is fading. I have already promised myself, promised at the deepest level, than never again will I make decision like this. And I will also never eat that plastic packed excuse for a meal.
I started to play a piano, I practice a lot. I have been thinking bout it for a long time. And I was telling myself that if I would start practicing year before I would already knew a lot... after this trip, I told myself, I am not feeling this next year also. I am choosing to be a being that not only knows better but also does better.
Its strange, this universe. We come in, for experience, wanting to work on something and we end up being thought something else...
Sometimes I think, did my deeper self knew? Wanted to tighten up those screws? They sure are tight now...
Stay safe and happy.
With love. T.
I hope what I am writing finds you well.
First let me start with little bit of background. Me and my friend who also enjoys probing his consciousness get together sometimes, and probe. These things have to be planned because of work and classic human stuff. So its not always so easy. Also mushrooms have to be grown. Lately I had some contamination issues, so we have been long overdue... Usually we watch some movie (specifically selected), listen to music and have some talks.
We take 5g of mushrooms blended in lemon juice with 3g of peganum harmala, each.
I don't eat 6 hours prior to this, and I try to watch my diet - go light that day.
I have purged from rue before, (I even wrote about it on nexus) once alone, once I scared my friend. Purges happened when I increased rue dosage - once 5g and once 4g.
Day of our get together I am at work, I am exited, I want to work on some things during the trip and also it has been a long time since last time. I am quite busy and I find myself insanely hungry. I go for my break to eat something. At the convenience store I stand before refrigerator and look at the hamburgers - cheap stuff packed in plastic. Here is exact line of thought from my head:
"It is almost 14:00 so its quite late, I should eat only something small, or I might end up throwing up. Also I do not know what's in this stuff, it might interact with harmalas, meat is also not good idea... You wouldn't wanna ruin night you have been looking forward to, for a long time like this. It is really risky. Look at it, if you close this store down and come year later this thing in plastic will still be the same. Also regardless of today, you don't want to put in your body anyway, its not something you should ever eat... it looks disgusting and only thing it has common with food is the plastic packaging..."
I say fuck it. I pick it up. I pay for it with my hard earned money. Take it to work, microwave it, and start eating. It tasted exactly same terrible way it always tasted. Act of eating it is act of punishing yourself.
Few hours later, I have mixed the mushrooms with other ingredients, and I am already at my friends house. We have a smoke, and go about drinking the smoothie. I burped and I can smell and feel that unholy abomination I ate 5 hours prior. I think "I should tell him that we should wait at least hour, he will understand, knows what is at risk" and then again "fuck it".
We drink the stuff.
Usually you drink something like this and first 30 minutes (at least) you feel iffy. Then it gets better and you are on your way. That day after 30 minutes pain came. Same pain I felt when I overdid rue. When I overdid rue, stomach pain came few hours in. Here it was here we are not even fully on our journey. Unsuccessful purging comes, I am drinking lemon balm tea my friend made... I am on the ground in pain, listening to beautiful music (try Havasi - thank me later).
I am in pain. Scared to move to not start heaving again. And I am angry. You cant imagine how angry I am.
Personally, I always say, you cant be angry at someone who didn't knew better. Small kids, stupid humans, doesn't matter.
But point of being conscious being is to predict future, to be able to avoid mistakes, to try to know, to be able to do better.
And I, ladies and gentlemen, am laying here, in pain. With knowledge that I am what is wrong with humanity. I am specimen who knew exactly, knew everything, every path, had every reason, and still chose to do the wrong thing. I am laying here, and I am exactly the thing I can be angry at. Because I knew better and did it anyway...
I would scream, but I am in pain. I would hit the ground, but I am in pain. I cant blame anyone but myself. Only thing left is to work thru my anger, my disappointment in myself.
Eventually after few hours, I made it. Pain is fading. I have already promised myself, promised at the deepest level, than never again will I make decision like this. And I will also never eat that plastic packed excuse for a meal.
I started to play a piano, I practice a lot. I have been thinking bout it for a long time. And I was telling myself that if I would start practicing year before I would already knew a lot... after this trip, I told myself, I am not feeling this next year also. I am choosing to be a being that not only knows better but also does better.
Its strange, this universe. We come in, for experience, wanting to work on something and we end up being thought something else...
Sometimes I think, did my deeper self knew? Wanted to tighten up those screws? They sure are tight now...
Stay safe and happy.
With love. T.
