Psychoactive Haven
Rising Star
Hello fellow Nexians,
Last night I embarked on a solo 6g mushroom trip to figure some things out. I called my brother about an hour into it, not because it was going bad, but I simply just wanted to talk to him and his roommate, I thought it would be enjoyable. My plan was to hangout with Dimitri at the peak of the mushroom trip, so after about an hour on the phone with him we said our goodbyes and I prepared to smoke.
Talking on the phone with him took me out of the psychedelic state of mind I was in prior to calling him, so I sat down for ten minutes or so trying to re enter that state of mind. When I thought I was ready, I grabbed the genie, said a prayer asking God to show me what I needed to see, and then smoked.
Having only loaded 20mg, I was expecting a fairly light trip. That's not what happened at all. Immediately after smoking, I died. It wasn't just ego death, it was complete and utter death. I died. Death was truly an extraordinary experience. I experienced every form of existence there (existing, not existing, existing in third person, existing in multiple forms, etc.). What was fascinating was that I was put into a cube looking room (common theme amongst my most recent trips) and I was sitting in front of myself, looking at myself. And it wasn't like I was looking at a reflection, it was like my very existence was sitting in a chair in front of me. It was phenomenal, and I loved it. (Every thing was red and blue colored at this point).
While I was looking at myself, I heard what sounded like a wolf howl. Still, no fear, just interest. At this point, however, everything had changed. Everything turned to black and white. This single noise began to consume me, I was completely alone, but surrounded by this noise. It was horrifying. The best way I could describe it was as punishment. It was the sound of demons shredding apart my soul and I was forced to listen to it as punishment. I experienced what eternity was like. I became engulfed in the horrifying noise of my soul being torn apart. The noise was filled with HORROR, HOPELESSNESS and ETERNITY; every time I heard the noise, that is what I was struck with, and it was never going to end. I was being punished. I remember wanting to kill myself, but knowing full and well that I couldn't, because I was already dead. I was in hell, and nothing existed except for the demons and I, and they were there to force me to experience horror for eternity (I never understood the concept of eternity until after having experienced it). I tried opening my eyes, but they were gone. I was dead. It was as if they were already opened and closed at the same time. While I was there, I finally understood the concept of hopelessness and horror as well. An analogy I used to describe what it was like to my brother was to imagine a long room, and the further in the room you got, the worse everything became, and at the far wall was the absolute worst it gets, but it doesn't end there, from there, the wall extends infinitely forever, and every second will be worse than the second that you just experienced for eternity.
Somehow I managed to pull myself out. I was looking at myself again (still in sheer terror). I grabbed my phone and managed to call my brother (no idea how, I hardly recognized what my phone was). However, I wasn't just under the impression, but I truly believed that my brother would not answer. And not in the way that he was't able to talk right then, but in the way that he NEVER even existed. When he answered, I was brought to tears and just began to ball. I was back and I got a second chance.
I spoke with my brother for the next few hours trying to process what had just happened and waiting for the mushrooms to wear off (I was still in horror). What was strange though, was that after I came back, it was almost as if the mushrooms had worn off (though I still had another 2 hours to go). I felt completely normal because now it wasn't the difference of feelings between being sober and being on mushrooms, it was the difference of being dead and now being alive again (so I felt entirely sober).
Anyways, I'm glad this happened. I had been dealing with a recent chain of events that left me feeling broken and I had told my friend that I needed an awful trip to be able to jump this hurdle in my life. This experience helped me to actually understand what hopelessness, horror and eternity are. And now, I look at the situation I'm in and on a scale of 1-10 in how bad it is it is only a 1. Where I was was a 10. I realized that there is always hope in situations on this earth, even being able to die is a form of hope. Where I was, there was no hope, I couldn't even kill myself to get out. I was hoping for an experience like this, but I guess we as human beings aren't capable of understanding how bad it truly gets. God probably laughed at me and was like "alright fucker, don't say I didn't tell ya, but here ya go." Anyways, I'm thankful for this and would like to get some of your thoughts. I think it'll be awhile before I'm back to normal and I don't know if I will ever pick up the genie again. I realized that there are some fears you are not capable of facing, and all you can do is do everything in your power to avoid them. For example, if God gave me the options to live the remainder of my life and then go back there, or to kill myself right now and I would not have to go back there, I would kill myself right this second. It's a strange feeling understanding the concept of death and hell now, it is indescribable and it is something that I will never be able to forget.
Any input would be much appreciated.
Safe Travels,
Psychoactive Haven
Last night I embarked on a solo 6g mushroom trip to figure some things out. I called my brother about an hour into it, not because it was going bad, but I simply just wanted to talk to him and his roommate, I thought it would be enjoyable. My plan was to hangout with Dimitri at the peak of the mushroom trip, so after about an hour on the phone with him we said our goodbyes and I prepared to smoke.
Talking on the phone with him took me out of the psychedelic state of mind I was in prior to calling him, so I sat down for ten minutes or so trying to re enter that state of mind. When I thought I was ready, I grabbed the genie, said a prayer asking God to show me what I needed to see, and then smoked.
Having only loaded 20mg, I was expecting a fairly light trip. That's not what happened at all. Immediately after smoking, I died. It wasn't just ego death, it was complete and utter death. I died. Death was truly an extraordinary experience. I experienced every form of existence there (existing, not existing, existing in third person, existing in multiple forms, etc.). What was fascinating was that I was put into a cube looking room (common theme amongst my most recent trips) and I was sitting in front of myself, looking at myself. And it wasn't like I was looking at a reflection, it was like my very existence was sitting in a chair in front of me. It was phenomenal, and I loved it. (Every thing was red and blue colored at this point).
While I was looking at myself, I heard what sounded like a wolf howl. Still, no fear, just interest. At this point, however, everything had changed. Everything turned to black and white. This single noise began to consume me, I was completely alone, but surrounded by this noise. It was horrifying. The best way I could describe it was as punishment. It was the sound of demons shredding apart my soul and I was forced to listen to it as punishment. I experienced what eternity was like. I became engulfed in the horrifying noise of my soul being torn apart. The noise was filled with HORROR, HOPELESSNESS and ETERNITY; every time I heard the noise, that is what I was struck with, and it was never going to end. I was being punished. I remember wanting to kill myself, but knowing full and well that I couldn't, because I was already dead. I was in hell, and nothing existed except for the demons and I, and they were there to force me to experience horror for eternity (I never understood the concept of eternity until after having experienced it). I tried opening my eyes, but they were gone. I was dead. It was as if they were already opened and closed at the same time. While I was there, I finally understood the concept of hopelessness and horror as well. An analogy I used to describe what it was like to my brother was to imagine a long room, and the further in the room you got, the worse everything became, and at the far wall was the absolute worst it gets, but it doesn't end there, from there, the wall extends infinitely forever, and every second will be worse than the second that you just experienced for eternity.
Somehow I managed to pull myself out. I was looking at myself again (still in sheer terror). I grabbed my phone and managed to call my brother (no idea how, I hardly recognized what my phone was). However, I wasn't just under the impression, but I truly believed that my brother would not answer. And not in the way that he was't able to talk right then, but in the way that he NEVER even existed. When he answered, I was brought to tears and just began to ball. I was back and I got a second chance.
I spoke with my brother for the next few hours trying to process what had just happened and waiting for the mushrooms to wear off (I was still in horror). What was strange though, was that after I came back, it was almost as if the mushrooms had worn off (though I still had another 2 hours to go). I felt completely normal because now it wasn't the difference of feelings between being sober and being on mushrooms, it was the difference of being dead and now being alive again (so I felt entirely sober).
Anyways, I'm glad this happened. I had been dealing with a recent chain of events that left me feeling broken and I had told my friend that I needed an awful trip to be able to jump this hurdle in my life. This experience helped me to actually understand what hopelessness, horror and eternity are. And now, I look at the situation I'm in and on a scale of 1-10 in how bad it is it is only a 1. Where I was was a 10. I realized that there is always hope in situations on this earth, even being able to die is a form of hope. Where I was, there was no hope, I couldn't even kill myself to get out. I was hoping for an experience like this, but I guess we as human beings aren't capable of understanding how bad it truly gets. God probably laughed at me and was like "alright fucker, don't say I didn't tell ya, but here ya go." Anyways, I'm thankful for this and would like to get some of your thoughts. I think it'll be awhile before I'm back to normal and I don't know if I will ever pick up the genie again. I realized that there are some fears you are not capable of facing, and all you can do is do everything in your power to avoid them. For example, if God gave me the options to live the remainder of my life and then go back there, or to kill myself right now and I would not have to go back there, I would kill myself right this second. It's a strange feeling understanding the concept of death and hell now, it is indescribable and it is something that I will never be able to forget.
Any input would be much appreciated.
Safe Travels,
Psychoactive Haven
haha
