Atlas_
Rising Star
This is my farewell letter to the nexus. I felt it was necessary to share my experience and post this letter in order to support those that might follow in the future with similar feelings of disenchantment with this substance. You are not a failure for moving on. You simply think differently and have different ideals from those who willingly work with this stuff. I'm happy with where my life is headed, without it and this stuff is contributing nothing of value to me. In the first addition of the Nexus, Traveler wrote that he was walking home from the bar one night and said to himself "is this all there is?" I do not share that opinion. There is plenty here for me. So here is my account and why I am leaving, and DONE.
A little background information
I’ve been using psychedelics sparingly since the age of 16. From Mushrooms to RC’s I played around a lot and had some great experiences, and some bad trips that I was able to always work through, but nothing really changed me until I finally got my hands on LSD at age 25. My experiences with LSD have changed my life for the complete better. I now appreciate life and am inspired in ways that I had never imagined possible.
I would also like to add at this time that my life has been pretty tumultuous. I've been addicted to IVing haroin in the past (4 yrs clean). My mother is not psychologically well. Also, my older brother, 5 years my senior is even worse. He suffers from severe Obsessive and Compulsive behaviors and is slightly schizophrenic confessing that a little girls voice taunts him and often keeps him from sleeping more than a few hours at a time. Sadly he believes deeply in the Christian god and Christian Devil, and tells me often, including today, that he believes my mother is with the Devil, and that this voice that bothers him so much is connected to a Lucifer type demon.
I myself do not hold such fantasies in my conscious state of mind, and instead believe in what seems more appropriate to the Nexus’s general belief, that this universe is one level among many interconnected levels. That being said though, these deeply influential people in my life and their words have had an effect on my psyche and it has bled into my subconscious, as I have felt the presence of these thoughts become real while under the influence of DMT.
These thoughts do not surface with LSD even on high doses of 5+ hits. Maybe because even on those doses I know where I am, i'm still on earth, and I never get completely lost. It seems that only when im tumbling around in the washing machine of psychedelic soup that is my usual DMT experience where I start to lose grip on who I am and where I am that these harmful religious influences become extremely evident in my conscious, and I become terrified and uncomfortable, always feeling as if every inch of it is real, and that I am being ripped to pieces by the soup while a green skinned female entity is present regardless if I actually see her or not. Green Tara, serpent woman, spirit of the plant whatever you wanna call her, I don’t like her and I don’t trust her or the experience itself. I often have this epiphany while there that I’ve had to deal with her on unkind terms before and I get this “oh great its you again, I have to deal with you again” feeling I get whenever I vape. Almost like I’m going to have to battle her or something, though I never do.
Long story short
or long story long…..this isn’t working for me and I havn’t gained any insights whatsoever after a year and a half of trying. If anything I’ve just scared and confused myself with nothing to show for it. The only positive I get out of the experience, is when I get back to this world I am just so thankful to be back that I never want to touch another mind altering substance again….then I slowly forget the details of the experience…then I read a report or two that talks about castles and beautiful landscapes and I’m envious, till I smoalk, and come back feeling like i've been duped by others accounts and the experience itself. It’s been a year and a half that I’ve had this stuff sitting around. A year and a half of thinking about it every day. Not a day has gone by since seeking this stuff out that I haven’t thought about it. Always back and forth, and I’m plain sick of it. That’s why today, after returning from a long real life trip, filled with deep reflection, I flushed it. And decided that I am done. And I am moving on with my life. And Im not coming back to this website again outside of being a lurker for some of the other aspects here that I enjoy such as meditation and chemical/plant knowledge.
Conclusion
If anyone else out there finds themselves in my situation, don’t be afraid to move on. It’s not giving up. It’s simply moving on. If I ever get cancer or something terminal I’ll probably seek it out once again as a last resort. But only as a last resort.
From the position of where I am at in my life, right now, I realize that this stuff is more harmful than good. Atleast definitely for me with my background and life aspirations. So to those out there now or in the future who might be in similar shoes, listen to your heart, your deepest inner voice, and if it’s telling you this stuff isn’t good, then GET RID OF IT. That’s my two cents.
For the most part I appreciate most of the members on the site and I wish all of you the best. No need to ask me questions as I won't respond. I just wanted to get this out there. In support of others on the journey who like me, who needed to experience it before heeding the advice given in the Health&Safety section located at the top of every page.
Be well.
A little background information
I’ve been using psychedelics sparingly since the age of 16. From Mushrooms to RC’s I played around a lot and had some great experiences, and some bad trips that I was able to always work through, but nothing really changed me until I finally got my hands on LSD at age 25. My experiences with LSD have changed my life for the complete better. I now appreciate life and am inspired in ways that I had never imagined possible.
I would also like to add at this time that my life has been pretty tumultuous. I've been addicted to IVing haroin in the past (4 yrs clean). My mother is not psychologically well. Also, my older brother, 5 years my senior is even worse. He suffers from severe Obsessive and Compulsive behaviors and is slightly schizophrenic confessing that a little girls voice taunts him and often keeps him from sleeping more than a few hours at a time. Sadly he believes deeply in the Christian god and Christian Devil, and tells me often, including today, that he believes my mother is with the Devil, and that this voice that bothers him so much is connected to a Lucifer type demon.
I myself do not hold such fantasies in my conscious state of mind, and instead believe in what seems more appropriate to the Nexus’s general belief, that this universe is one level among many interconnected levels. That being said though, these deeply influential people in my life and their words have had an effect on my psyche and it has bled into my subconscious, as I have felt the presence of these thoughts become real while under the influence of DMT.
These thoughts do not surface with LSD even on high doses of 5+ hits. Maybe because even on those doses I know where I am, i'm still on earth, and I never get completely lost. It seems that only when im tumbling around in the washing machine of psychedelic soup that is my usual DMT experience where I start to lose grip on who I am and where I am that these harmful religious influences become extremely evident in my conscious, and I become terrified and uncomfortable, always feeling as if every inch of it is real, and that I am being ripped to pieces by the soup while a green skinned female entity is present regardless if I actually see her or not. Green Tara, serpent woman, spirit of the plant whatever you wanna call her, I don’t like her and I don’t trust her or the experience itself. I often have this epiphany while there that I’ve had to deal with her on unkind terms before and I get this “oh great its you again, I have to deal with you again” feeling I get whenever I vape. Almost like I’m going to have to battle her or something, though I never do.
Long story short
or long story long…..this isn’t working for me and I havn’t gained any insights whatsoever after a year and a half of trying. If anything I’ve just scared and confused myself with nothing to show for it. The only positive I get out of the experience, is when I get back to this world I am just so thankful to be back that I never want to touch another mind altering substance again….then I slowly forget the details of the experience…then I read a report or two that talks about castles and beautiful landscapes and I’m envious, till I smoalk, and come back feeling like i've been duped by others accounts and the experience itself. It’s been a year and a half that I’ve had this stuff sitting around. A year and a half of thinking about it every day. Not a day has gone by since seeking this stuff out that I haven’t thought about it. Always back and forth, and I’m plain sick of it. That’s why today, after returning from a long real life trip, filled with deep reflection, I flushed it. And decided that I am done. And I am moving on with my life. And Im not coming back to this website again outside of being a lurker for some of the other aspects here that I enjoy such as meditation and chemical/plant knowledge.
Conclusion
If anyone else out there finds themselves in my situation, don’t be afraid to move on. It’s not giving up. It’s simply moving on. If I ever get cancer or something terminal I’ll probably seek it out once again as a last resort. But only as a last resort.
From the position of where I am at in my life, right now, I realize that this stuff is more harmful than good. Atleast definitely for me with my background and life aspirations. So to those out there now or in the future who might be in similar shoes, listen to your heart, your deepest inner voice, and if it’s telling you this stuff isn’t good, then GET RID OF IT. That’s my two cents.
For the most part I appreciate most of the members on the site and I wish all of you the best. No need to ask me questions as I won't respond. I just wanted to get this out there. In support of others on the journey who like me, who needed to experience it before heeding the advice given in the Health&Safety section located at the top of every page.
Be well.
