I'm stuck.

[BananaForeskin]

Hello, fellow Nexians. I come to you this evening because I am stuck. For whatever reason, my life has stagnated... I had a very active, happy summer of fairly homogenous design, and towards the end of it I started feeling... hmm... bored is the wrong word. It wasn't boredom. It was almost as if my immediate surroundings had become spoiled. And not just my immediate physical surroundings, but the music, the books, the work, the activities. My mindset has adopted this funk, and unless I'm really engaged in doing something with someone else I feel it on the edges. As soon as this really started, the spice stopped me from re-entering hyperspace and I've become scared of it (haven't vaped it for three months at least).

I'm not super-tied to my current residence of the last three years, but it's free and in a wonderful place to live overall. Deep down, I feel like moving to get away from this, or working more to take my mind off of it, would just be distraction without confront whatever the problem is deep down. Sometimes I even feel like finding a good new band, or rearranging/cleaning my room, would solve it all. But the stagnation, the funk prevails. I've turned to aya for some help, but haven't pursued that too far yet. Has anyone else had this feeling? Overcome it? I almost feel like I need to totally overhaul my current life, at the core.

I haven't told anyone about this besides y'all, even though thinking about it makes me so depressed, it seems so inescapable. It's a mindset, or something, brought upon me by my lifestyle? I just don't know. It's almost too important and personal to share to people I know. Whatever this is... I also can't help but feel like DMT brought it on, in some way. It's like it showed me the horrible hollowness of my current way of life, and now I must fix that, but I'm not sure how. Any thoughts?

cheers,

BF

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

I felt the same way when I was 20, packed my bags, drove out of the country and never looked back. It was a bit of a fugue and I was in a dark headspace... but a violent destruction of all patterns and social safety nets forced me to learn a lot about myself, and it was what eventually led me to Aya and spice, years later. Best decision I ever made.

I'm at a point again where I feel like I've outgrown my pot... I'm rootbound. My job is changing, I don't like my apartment, the city is cold (emotionally and as far as the weather is concerned). I could move further into the city to make more money... but there aren't any trees there. I haven't taken time off work or seen the ocean in over five years...

So... I'm packing my bags and flying away! Again!

I was cleaning my apartment the other night, and it felt SO LIBERATING to take all of these things I just don't need and curb them. I packed them up neatly and made a gorgeous note about how all of it was free... some really nice appliances were sacked within an hour. Someone got lucky.

Some girlfriends and I got together recently, brought together all of our belongings with festering emotional attachments, had a big fire and burned them. I collected a lot of stuffed animals in my life... stuffed animals from when I was a kid, from my mom who died of cancer, from old boyfriends... My friend, who is deeply into yoga and meditation, told me that every physical object we keep in our space creates a thought in our mind, and having too much literally just clutters the mind with useless shit. It felt so good to let it go.

Aya really turned up the volume on my ultimate dissatisfaction with the current culmination of decisions in my life. Ceremonies have put me through some intensely rough moments where I've cried and freaked out because I feel how living alone in a dark basement apartment makes my body physically ill. I feel how a lack of physical contact makes me feel hard and neurotic.

In the past two years, I've been up and down financially, went through a lot of craziness. Opened a business, never got signed as a partner on paper and ended up having to walk on something that was like my baby. I fought so hard to do something good that I believed in. Ended up working for someone else doing the same thing, making barely enough to scrape by and sold my car to get out of debt. Realized I worked WAY too much in the process. Realized my energy needs to be invested in my dreams, and my dreaming. Realized I am really not cut out to be alone and it's hard on my health. Summer was warm and easy... but it's cold now. Being locked inside a small basement apartment with no sun and a heater that doesn't work (in a crazy house with a registered sex offender living on the second floor, et al), with no one to talk to but myself...

The decision to leave has never felt so RIGHT.

I have nothing left to turn to, here, other than old patterns, shadows of a self I've outgrown...

Sometimes it's scary and insane, but change is also exhilarating and provides such fertile opportunities for growth. Sometimes you just have to ask and doors beyond the limits of your imagination will open...

I wish you the courage and inspiration to make whatever changes are right for you.

 

[zubidlo]

Hi,

I don't have an advice. Winter is coming, we all feel it. I would love to see bananaforeskin melancholy. Literally. How do you feel about walking around and trying to catch your feelings on camera. Doesn't need to be your nearest surroundings (for your safety:d ). Anything what reflect your sadness, dullness of life. Take a hike to ruined castle if you like. Whatever. You can play with filters and stuff to make it work. Catching the right moment is quite accomplishment, you'll see. There is waiting included. And maybe during the process...who knows...maybe you'll find other feelings in your pictures...

You can publish those here few weeks later if you like, I would love to see melancholy once again:d .
They say in my old country: 'life is a change'...but they also say : 'you can't run from yourself'...



Regards.

 

[BananaForeskin]

Well, I appreciate the input from the both of you. Really. Tonight's the night that at least some things are going to get figured out... I turned on some lights that aren't usually on, there is beer chilling outside and my neurotic golden retriever is half-asleep on the bed. The band of my youth (and still my favorite) is playing... it's time to get down to things. Your friend is right, the each thing we have in our space puts a thought in our mind... and my space has too many things, although each seems necessary when I look at it.

Perhaps a matter of finding peace as things slip away of their own accord. They'll say if they need to go. It doesn't feel like I have a lot, yet things are cluttered. It's a weird conundrum. But shit's about to go down... it's happening... The weird thing is, last March, there wasn't this much here, or at least it didn't seem that way. The lights didn't seem dark... but they are.

Right now I do feel like I'm being tested. I'm only here for a limited time, until next fall at the latest. But I need to deal with it... leaving without overcoming would be ignoring and running, and I do not know if I can entirely empty everything as you did... but a change will occur. Now. Before next week, when two good friends are coming into town.

zubidlo, I do WISH I had some ruined castles to be melancholic in, but alas there are few in the US. I do have some ruined military fortifications, I guess they count, although they're only a century old. I've been melancholic amongst Slovakian castles... they're great! I might be able to post some pics.

And minxx!! Take me with you!! I'm rootbound, my salvia and caapi are rootbound, can I come?! I have no great bufo alvarius, and I'm terrible at growing crystals, but I would look suave in a fig leaf. 8)

Well... on to the process... !

 

[BananaForeskin]

The promised picture. I donned a false mustachio to keep my true identity from being compromised.

 

[ouro]

ime, those feelings of stagnation set in along with acceptance that your desires will not be fulfilled. I recommend reevaluating what your desires truely are, and what makes you think they can or cannot be achieved, to realized that right now is the best/only opportunity you have to move towards your goals.

 

[Magicman]

I read this. and then stared at it for a very long time . shit. i wish i could help but it would be the blind leading the blind (cliche i know) . I know that exact feeling you have. Im there to , but mine is due to constraints out of my control and will definitely change with time . so i do have a concrete light at the end of the tunnel. Not that i have much hope for after that, but its better than nothing right? all i can say is you need to understand the reasons ,before you can get the solutions , and maybe just change shit dude. its simple but its all i can say sincerely .
Best of luck (sincerely too)

Magicman

 

[zubidlo]

:d nice portrait, you have sense of humor:d


Regards.

 

[BananaForeskin]

I read this. and then stared at it for a very long time . shit. i wish i could help but it would be the blind leading the blind (cliche i know) . I know that exact feeling you have. Im there to , but mine is due to constraints out of my control and will definitely change with time . so i do have a concrete light at the end of the tunnel. Not that i have much hope for after that, but its better than nothing right? all i can say is you need to understand the reasons ,before you can get the solutions , and maybe just change shit dude. its simple but its all i can say sincerely .
Best of luck (sincerely too)

Magicman

Well we are then in the same position. My current life is due to constraints which are out of my control, for the most part, and I have been trying to find newness in the last few months... this post was driven by the fact that no excitement and motion had appeared, and I know now that I have to find a way to be happy where I am and doing what I am doing. I have a concrete light at the end of the tunnel too! University next year. It's simply a matter of surviving until then.

Appreciate the input, guys! Really! I feel a lot better, and have been working on truly recreating my living space.

 

[Ice House]

I also can't help but feel like DMT brought it on, in some way. It's like it showed me the horrible hollowness of my current way of life, and now I must fix that, but I'm not sure how. Any thoughts?

cheers,

BF

Yup.... Same thing happened to me once upon a time. I layed of the psychedelics and booze.... and weed. Whent 100% sober and started on a hard core physical fitness program and a healthy diet. 8 months later I felt sooooo much better.

It takes dedication.

Its worth a try.

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

"Sometimes you have to jump and build your wings on the way down."

 

[Phantastica]

i'm glad you're feeling better bro. minxx has some great advice up there.
i would just like to add that i know that dull feeling of no excitement, and hollowness. used to be depressing before, but then i started meditating a lot more, and everything started to turn around. i simply sat without any goal in mind, and diligently, non-judgementally, observed all the hollowness within me. sadness resurfaced, pain came up..and then it washed away..
just watch the mundane hollowness you feel inside for just 10 minutes a day, and i bet you'll feel a shitload better. i guarantee. pain will resurface, it will be confronted, and then it will dissipate. Do it RIGHT NOW and find out!! if the mind starts talking, then observe that too..but silently simply observe...it all...

Also...follow your heart. it's wiser than your mind. if you feel like escaping, and going to a new place, then DO IT. if it's possible, then make a general outline of a trip to a new place, and just say "fuck it!"... you'll discover much beauty and wisdom. Or, visit a monastery and live there for a while. MANY monasteries are free of charge, and the monks there will allow you to live with them for free in exchange for service. get random, and leave it to fate, and take the plunge...whats the worst that can happen?...even death ain't that bad. best of luck to you bro:d

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

Phantastica makes a good point, too, about reconnecting with yourself. Caapi can definitely help with that--there can be dissonance if you ignore the voice of your heart.

 

[Magicman]

Dude! watsup , man i was sitting at my desk, trying to be productive, and obviously this didn't work. But , i started thinking about this thread cause i could relate , and it hit me :
Dude go watch "into the wild"! ah hope you haven't seen it yet ,so my suggestion is worth something, and so that you can have the "woah" moment when you've watched it. Like go now dude. right now, get up and go and rent that movie , or download it . just go watch it .

Good luck again
magicman

 

[Autodidactic]

yeah man, I'm in a similar boat right now. After about 8 months of feeling stagnant, I decided I needed some adventure in my life. My roomate and I decided to move to India in January. I can't wait, I just need to wake up every morning and have everything around me be new again, like when we were kids, everything was new and exciting. I'm hoping India will give that to me.

I've been a bit almost reclusive and probably a little down too since deciding to make this change. I've just trying to pass the time until I go. Smoking a lot of weed and doing things just to pass the time.

Maybe you could use move or something man, or even just a vacation somewhere new.

 

[Phantastica]

yea man totally agree with Magicman about the movie "Into The Wild"! Its a damn fine movie, and i never get tired of watching it even after the 50th time. download a bluray torrent and watch that shit! Then....TRAVEL!

 

[ragabr]

BF, one thing you said in the OP that stood out to me, was rearranging/deep cleaning your room. If you could do the whole house I think it would be even better. Get some Florida water or Chinese Wash and some blessing oil or bath salts and go crazy, from the back to the front door, putting loving intentions of life into each step.

Our internal space and external space mirror each other and putting intention into the external environment can be the easiest way to kick up an internal change.

Much love.

 

[BananaForeskin]

I do know the benefits of travel. This time last year I was working on an archaeological project in Bulgaria, the year before that was somewhere else, the year before that yet another adventure... I've lived for short periods of time in many faraway places, and this upcoming summer I'll be moving to the UK. As such, big changes are ahead. But I am here for now. Being here now, though, and remaining sane and happy has started seeming more and more like a challenge. I've stepped outside my comfort zone many times, but the one thing that at first seemed most terrifying this autumn was the possibility of staying where I am. Yet things conspired for me to be here... and the next lesson, it seems, is to learn to make the most of it.

It has been astonishingly freeing to give away many of the things in my abode which I had no use for, but didn't seem obtrusive. My space didn't seem cluttered, but it was, just with energy. Even thinning my books has been relieving. Giving things back to people which they had left and the both of us forgotten about. I feel like I could have company over again without past events, good bad and neutral, hanging overhead. I also have a caapi plant coming to hang out with my other babies

And to ragabr, the reason I only said room is because my apartment is more or less just a single room! Fortunately it opens unto a beautiful garden. If I had a house, I would delight in cleaning the entirety of it.

Autodidactic, GOOD LUCK WITH INDIA!! That must be exciting beyond belief.

Even though I'd been battling with this for several months, your guys' help has really gone along way. I've been making many changes and feeling much, much better. We'll see how it goes when things start to settle into place. If not well, I already had had some vague plans to go to a Buddhist monastery in January or February (Phantastica)! And good luck to you all, it sounds like we're all embarking on similar journeys...

Love to you all!

 

[Magicman]

Shit, i wish i was going to India .wow. not me going haha,it's autodidactic .
He gets the message i'm sure anyway haha.

 

[BananaForeskin]

^^^

Ha ha, yes, I edited my post appropriately. I suppose it also seemed more practical, you living in that corner-ish of the world. Less of a jump from Colorado. Not that practicality has anything to do with it!