Impulse Experience:

Another post-nap journey for my meditation. I knew I had to meditate, but in the moment I didn't want to get out of bed. Thinking of my ever-evolving relationship with these substances, I found motivation to get up.

I just got straight to it. And there was minimal anxiety. I keep telling myself to approach the experience ready for an experience that I am fully aware that I can manage and then augmenting once the bowl is in my hands and I'm toking. In this instance, I took one nice long hit, sat with it for a moment, and then decided on another while the effects from the first began to make themselves obvious. 

I didn't want anything crazy, just to meditate, but I still went deeper than I normally do when I "just want to meditate." I'm happy with that. Much of my time in the space was spent celebrating my "triumph" over my inhibitions.

However, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows as I ended up in a negative "elitist-type" thought loop thinking about how I feel and think about others and my frustrations. However, it was very one-sided in that it never came up that I do think many people are trying their best and that not trying one's best one can possibly not be blamed too much for since that abides by a fundamental attribution of biological entities that is the path of least resistance. Nor did it come up that I don't treat people based on how I feel about them purely (I'm still helpful, respectful, and compassionate of people that I don't like).

The above is vague on purpose. It's not about the content but the effect. Whenever I think certain negative thoughts about others on the whole in general way while maintaining an awareness on exceptions, I feel very bad. However, maybe this experience was trying to encourage me to have more grace for myself in these instances and that part of my thinking negatively about others is an effect of rarely building myself up. These thoughts can also be brought about by way of being burned out. Without thinking about being "better" than anyone (whatever that means (but I worry that people will think I think that when I don't)), maybe in some ways I am "justified" in how I feel relative to how I perceive and think, which is very much polyvalent. Perhaps it comes with the conceptual territory I find myself in philosophically.

The crux is I care about how I affect people and don't want negative thinking to impact others negatively and that's why these kinds of thoughts bother me. Granted, I don't act on them except in very rare and particular contexts.

The visuals of the experience were mainly patterns and a breathing of the veil. I was wrapped in the experience by this veil. Interestingly, I was fully satisfied with the level of immersion and didn't have any inner conversations about "should I get up and take another hit," or "why is it so hard for you to get to where you wanna go?" I was just satisfied. I thank a lot of people on here who have helped me correct my thinking about myself encountering this by sharing their experiences and insights relative to a similar situation. While I'm that type that doesn't want to have to rely on anyone (upbringing), I have to say thank you to everyone for their honesty, vulnerability, and encouragement.

Having the inner stability and framework to approach the experience in the ways I have been lately is invaluable.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for letting me be honest.

One love