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Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation

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Voidmatrix

Voidmatrix

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This thread will be where I share my journeys that are worth sharing that occurred from me following an impulse to journey. However, anyone who also has an "impulse journey" they'd like to share are more than welcome to share it here as well. Enjoy.

I.
Awaking from a nap anxious and disoriented, I remembered that today was definitely a day for changa (any day I do hot yoga is). Getting up from my bed, staying in my underwear, I turned on the speaker and grabbed the changa pipe. There wasn't much left from previous forays, but it was more than enough. It didn't occur to me to set the trashcan next to my bed. Fortunately, I didn't need it, though I haven't really needed it for some time now. The last time I needed the trashcan while smoalking changa was one of the last times I smoalked during the onset of effects from mushrooms. So I blame the mushrooms more than the changa. :lol:

Sliding my legs back under the covers but still sitting up, I reflected back to a few days ago wherein I took more hits than I usually allow myself. A kernel extracted from this reflection was to take a bigger rip than I normally do. I have been noticing that my approach to the levels that I commonly traverse have been less anxiety ridden... I just don't care anymore. The blocks dissolve, fizzling away.

I've been wanting the benefits of the visual side of the experience and have been allowing that for myself, realizing that not only is it something that is enjoyable and worthwhile, but by that and in it's own way, is that much more therapeutic. Though once it gets visual, other types of work become necessary in navigating the experience. Let's be real, there can be highly uncomfortable imagery that can occur in many of these spaces. Perhaps it's more of an occurrence for some more than it is for others. It's been an occurrence enough for me to always have some part of myself that is always prepared. I've found the best way to go about it is to remain as indifferent as possible, removing whatever interpretation I have of the imagery from the contexts in which the ideas brought about by the imagery create an uncomfortable feeling; granted some of the imagery is just uncomfortable no matter how you spin it.

I can't tell you what I saw. It's one of those ones. Which are also difficult to remember, though there are still vivid pieces in my present active memory. But it was meaningful, and engaging, and heart-opening, and a training in resilience, self control, and self acceptance. A practice of committing and surrendering to the experience.

While moving through varied spaces, my consciousness residing for periods in strange middle grounds, I was feeling the intensity, wondering if I were biting the insides of my cheeks (why do we specify that we're biting the insides? It's not like I could ever bite the outside of my cheek...anyway). The anxiety doesn't always dissipate quickly for me. Sometimes it's there the whole time... mmmm that's masochism for ya. A beautiful one in this instance though. :love:

An experience of paradox, polyvalency, multiplicity, and strange intricate supervenience, I healed in getting not only what I wanted, but also what I needed. And it wasn't even that vivid...

One love
 
VoidMatrix,

Thank you for sharing what sounds like a profound and truly ineffable experience.

I recall impulsive, unscheduled forays into hyperspace. I recall nearly feeling as if I were possessed.

It sounds like your sudden and impulsive call had a lot more mindfulness than what I remember from myself and I'm gratified to read that you got so much out of it.

-Pandora
 
Pandora said:
VoidMatrix,

Thank you for sharing what sounds like a profound and truly ineffable experience.

I recall impulsive, unscheduled forays into hyperspace. I recall nearly feeling as if I were possessed.

It sounds like your sudden and impulsive call had a lot more mindfulness than what I remember from myself and I'm gratified to read that you got so much out of it.

-Pandora
Click to expand...

Thank you kindly Pandora :)

Your comment about being possessed reminds me of the first time I smoalked a changa batch that gas a fair amount of chaliponga in it. Definitely had a feeling of possession, but not completely out of control. Needless to say, that blend intimidates me.

I tend to wonder how much of my mindful approach is just me being neurotic :lol:

I'm glad you enjoyed :love: more to come in time.

One love
 
Well, well, well, another thread that I started and forgot about :LOL:

So, here's a short one, where nothing special really happened, it was just special that I did it considering the circumstances.

I have a lot going on, and it's left me pretty withdrawn. I'm overwhelmed constantly, both with external happenings, as well as internal, and internal brought on by the external (like some heartache for example). I'm not complaining, just sharing, since set greatly impacts our experience.

Today was especially... wonderful... Though I had had a really nice k journey yesterday, I didn't sleep at all and ended up getting up around 2am... I was angry and miserable all day. When I don't get good enough rest, a lot of emotional dross floats to the surface and it's hard to regulate my mood. So to be safe, I opted to chop plants all day, getting a full table down in the first two hours.

One of the many items on my mind is relative to my relationship with myself. I've been wondering if I've defeated myself in some ways by wanting to be too humble, too compassionate, etc. A lot to unpack.

Because I didn't sleep well after K, I had told myself that I wouldn't journey or anything today.

However, while meditating (after a bubble bath), that all changed. Because I felt I was creating an unnecessary restriction. Give myself what I want...

Instead of keeping a bong bowl loaded with the sandwich method, I opted to use some of my enhanced leaf. So that particular bowl will always have EL in it (the other is for harmalas).

I just took a small, "aligning" hit. What was interesting, the anxiety was almost zero. I didn't think in depth about the hit, I just took it until I felt it hit my throat. I didn't want anything deep, just enough to help me regulate my sh*t. And telling myself to commit and surrender was the most automatic that it has ever been. It was simple and smooth.

It was what I needed. I shouldn't feel anything negative about that.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get myself in more journeys soon. I really want that.

Thank you for reading.

One love
 
Thank you brother. I appreciate you.

It's a lot that I need to work on with myself, but simply, I need to be more okay being good to myself. Internal and external factors have effected a high standard and felt high expectation. Something for me to learn to balance.

One love
 
pantostao said:
That hit home 👌
Both reports are beautifully written
Click to expand...

Thank you very much. ❤️

Your comment made me reflect on how long I've been dealing with specific blocks and barriers, specifically with psychedelics, and more specifically with DMT, for about 6 or 7 years. While frustrating, defeating, and even disheartening, making me feel weak, and I think to give it up sometimes, I maintain to persist and perservere.

One love
 
I was in the shower when I decided to have a light morning journey. A "this is happening" kind of feeling.

Something that came up: Part of me feels bad for others building me up, and for in some senses needing it because I have a hard time doing so myself (likely due to experiences in upbringing). I'd like to "be able to do it all" on my own, a pretty standard pipe dream, for we're all connected. I was hindered and brought down in my very early childhood that has proved to be formative in my adult age. If it doesn't come from within then I'm not sure I should trust it. But maybe it can help me to see it in myself... Idk. What I do know, is I'm thankful for all of my friends here. ❤️

One love
 
This time, about five hours after the first journey, the impulse came as I watched a documentary on Youtube talking about other dimensions outside of our practical three. Not surprised the idea came to me while watching such a topic.

What came up: Stop being trepidatious about revisiting oneself, something that I've struggled with; revisiting journal entries, forum posts, etc. And encouragement that "I can do this... again... and again..."

One love
 
Hey @Voidmatrix , thanks for this thread. Your openness and honesty with yourself and within your posts is a good example for others. I wanted to drop a line because the "impulse journey" really interests me. I find that when I plan a time for myself to smoalk spice, I don't necessarily always have the itch or the courage. Other times, I have no time to smoalk, but the intense desire, coupled with a ready willingness to be plunged into the unknown. Because of this, and because of your thread here, I have done my best to listen to those urges when the time does indeed allow.

Of course, I work with myself as to not forgo appropriate set and setting, but also prepare in a timely and mindful manner, so as not to lose the adventurous spirit while setting the scene. I find that I am most open minded, at ease in regard to consuming, and emotionally positive in regard to outcomes when I work with DMT in this way. The planned journey has obvious value - these impulse journeys likewise are quite valuable.

I'd like to share my impulse journey from last night:
My lady and I are relaxing, enjoying an evening after the work day. I'm sitting on the floor of our bedroom stretching, she is in and out. We share a bowl of some pot. It's wonderful as always. I express to her my sudden desire to have a little smoalk - the past three of four nights I had loosely planned to smoalk, each night choosing rest and integration, then mentally rescheduling to the following day. She knows this. She tells me she wouldn't like any, but encourages me to do so. I take this as my cosmic thumbs up and grab the vape.

I decide on a small dose, as I've been integrating some powerful but positive journeys from the past few weeks. I sit on the floor cross legged and prop myself against the bed for comfort. She and I continue chatting lightly, and I begin bringing my attention into my breath, grounding myself. I noticed how nice it is just to sit on the floor and do nothing, spice aside. I feel peaceful and happy. I take a small draw off of the vape and hold it for a while. I choose to keep my eyes open and stay engaged with Bee.

As I exhale, I see my vision become radiant with that familiar phosphene glow, and the carpet begins to arrange itself nicely. I noticed faces, shapes, and patterns as we continue to loosely chat with each other. The visual hallucinations feel similar to coming right out of REM. I feel peaceful and happy.

I decide to take another small draw, about 4 minutes later. After slowly exhaling, my visuals ramp up a bit, as does my head space. I am still very aware of the room and Bee, but keeping my eyes open is difficult or less pleasant than closing them. I lean my head back and notice pleasant patterns on the ceiling. I feel and express verbally to Bee that I feel quite similar to a peak on a couple grams cubensis. We smile and laugh; she can tell I'm enjoying myself and is glad, which makes me enjoy the experience even more.

Feeling happy to be sitting with the spice again after some time away, I expressed my gratitude for this opportunity to be with the medicine. The gentle dose was what I needed. I ended the night peacefully and slept wonderfully.

Thanks again @Voidmatrix 🖤
 
@Subtlevibrations ,my friend, thank you on several counts.

Firstly, thank you for adding an experience report. Yes, I started this to share my experiences. And sure, we all have at least a kernel within us that wants to feel special and have attention. However, I actually get anxious and weird when all eyes are on me or something is just about me. I hope your contribution will encourage others to share their impulse experiences too.

Secondly, I have a lot of gratitude for your embrace and appreciation for this thread. It helps me be a little more okay talking about myself (a difficulty that's been increasing in the past year) and sharing my ideas and whatnot. Idk lol.

Thirdly, a reinforced encouragement to SMOALK MOAR.

I love how relaxed your experience seemed to be, while at the same time very mindful. It's an extremely balanced approach that I feel should be admired. I tend to be pretty pensive and that can extend to almost anything I do. Ya boy needs to lighten up.

One love
 
@Voidmatrix thank you for your kind words. I understand your feeling of being a bit tongue tied. I find often when there are large knots being untied within me, my feelings and thoughts can range from profound joy to profuse frustration… it can be difficult to choose which segment of the gradient to offer to our friends and community when we open up about ourselves, especially if there is a lot going on inside. I’m really glad to know that my little contribution and appreciation are helpful in your healing process. Your posts have certainly been helpful in my own 🤍

I too have a tendency to become overly serious at times, so this more laid-back experience was a lesson in itself for me as well. Respect and reverence should always hang around with us when we hang around the spice, but then I also remember notions like the Jester and the Cosmic Joke, and remind myself it’s not all so serious. Sometimes a good laugh or goofy surprise is what we need to shake out of our framework and really see things clearly. A deeply meaningful experience can be a deeply funny and FUN experience, too. A reminder we all need from time to time I think.

One love my friend 🖤
 
@Subtlevibrations thank you. What you've brought up is a whole other thing I've been dealing with lately. The consideration and balance between what I may want to say or share and how it may be received and how to deliver it in a way to be understood. Tongue tied puts it lightly. Especially in a time where we have to think less because of technology and people are becoming more and more divided; no matter how well I try to communicate, something is still awry.

Relative to what I shared above, I'll be a little more descript; there is an embedded algorithm in my mind wherein any attention I receive, whether due to desire or not, and any attention I draw to myself, and any expression that isn't the bare minimum seems and feels wrong. I appreciate humility and the checking of one's ego, but it's become neurotic. Those ideas in and of themselves shouldn't really spark such a state that is consistent. That being said, a lot from my early childhood has been floating to the surface lately and I've had to remember and reflect on things that I had shrugged off in the past. I've shared this before, but before the age of 9, I probably wrote the sentence "I will practice not talking" more than 5,000 times. I had to post signs around the house (above my bed, behind my desk, above the TV in my room and in the livingroom, three of these notes in the bathroom, and one in the kitchen) that said "I will practice not talking." I was also explicitly told more than once to not talk about myself and to not brag when I wasn't even bragging. This was all my father's doing. As an adult, I've asked my mother (I don't interact with my father) if I really talked too much or bragged as a child, to which she quickly responded with a no.

Point is, these "gaslighting" types of experiences in a formative time of early childhood impact who I am today. It impacts my values for humility and such in a negative way.

So again, thank you, because if me talking about myself, or just what I want to talk about helps someone, then it helps me be a little more okay with bringing attention to myself, even if what I do isn't about the attention received (which most of the time it's not).

One love
 
@Voidmatrix I don't blame you for only speaking to your mother. I think anyone who experienced such strict and uncomfortable pressure at home would have some hesitation speaking up, so allow yourself some grace. I know that your inner journey and self-reconciliation already have and will continue to produce gems of insight that not only soften your struggle, but the struggle of others as you continue to share those insights.

Life is vibrations. We ride the highs and lows and grow in our own unique upward spiral. Perhaps this time in your life is centered on healing those particular time-tempered wounds.

For whatever it is worth, know for certain that this individual has benefitted from your sharing and speaking. I sincerely hope to see your words continue to educate, help, and comfort others. Each of us here perhaps practices a little differently, or uses different names, but we all share a spiritual connection to DMT and other entheogens. In that very real context, we are a Sangha, or spiritual community. Your words have spared many people injury or unpleasant mistake. May we also hold space for you, to help you digest life, to keep the trajectory upward, and support you in your dance of life. 💚
 
Thank you so much for that. I appreciate your kindness and understanding.

The grace part is hard, because, as I'm sure you can imagine, because it's hard not to feel pathetic, pitiful, etc. It's understandable that some external validation may be necessary, but like with many things, I'd like to build myself up on my own. However, we as individuals, don't exist in a vacuum.

I value critical thought, but in these matters it can sabotage me in that I critically assess things that appeal to me or that I appreciate more than other things because I know that I will be more biased in favor of such information. That is to say, even if it's a theme, it's hard to let in what others see and say, if that makes sense. Been taking a lot of practice.

Off to work.

One love
 
One piece of repetitive feedback that you seem to be getting is that your existance is somehow beneficial for those around you.
Is that feedback something you would agree with?
 
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