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Impulse Experience:

"Why did I do it? Because I wanted. There's your reason"- [USER=37402]@Nydex[/USER]

I have been intentionally shifting. I've stopped smoking cannabis during the day and spend most of the day in silence. It's a growth practice. So I'm very anxious all the time.

I am talking to people though during these periods of silence, even if not vocally.

I spoke with [USER=37402]@Nydex[/USER] quite a bit yesterday. About lot's of stuff. But that's not important. What's important is that we were talking and he said the above when I was sharing some stuff with him that I have been growing out of.

I was feeling funky in the morning, so I took a morning journey. It was mild, but great. That's not important either. What's important is that there was a morning journey.

I journaled. Coming to terms with the fact that the space doesn't care if I'm "perfect" and doesn't have some goofy standard that shouldn't and doesn't apply to me. We'll just leave it at that. I'm welcome in hyperspace, flaws and all. The space, if it cares about much, cares only for the character and soul of an individual... or so it seems.

After journaling, I went about my evening. Throughout this time smoalking changa kept popping into my mind. I tried to fight the implulse. "Waaaaah, I journeyed once already today, I shouldn't do it again," "Waaaahhhh, but do I really feel like it?" "Waaaahhhhh, I can put it off until tomorrow..." "Waaaaahhh, it's getting late."

While sitting with my tea, I was unable to reload the game I had been playing so decided to call it quits for the night. The episode of the show I was watching was also coming to an end.

And I felt the impulse bludgeon my mind again...

And a large part of me did want to.

So I got up, set out my mat at my altar, turned off all the unnecessary lights, grabbed my tea, and then sat. It was silent, beautifully silent, even if loud and intense in its own way. I didn't even my air unit on. Opening the space, while invoking, I noticed something odd... I was comfortable. I took a sip of my tea, grabbed the bowl, and took a hit big enough to kick me in the back of the throat. I took another one, about the same size, and then another, and then a final one, attempting to finish the bowl. It was a bowl that had been toasted previously. Bowls that have already been hit tend to be a bit easier to manage because there's no longer as much DMT. It's very much harmala dominant. But DMT is still there, so sometimes I get myself a little surprise.

I kept my eyes open for an inordinate amount of time for this experience.

About half way through, I noticed that I was not depressed at all in that moment, and that was beautiful. It was a relief. I felt so good, and without compunction, I allowed it. I felt like I "saw" myself. The positives. The beneficial aspects. I then reflected on how hard it is to give myself this when I am not in the space. The years and years of torture and torment within, from something "not me" but still within me. This "demon" ever present. I cried, tears of joy and sadness combined. But this moment, this moment I hope to keep in my mind in a way that when I recall it and deeply feel the memory and what it entails. Remember it more emotionally than anything else. To recall it in times of need.

I then found myself laughing, somewhat hysterically, at the absurdity of it all, with a bit of frustration in the laugh, being aware that some of the same blocks would reappear sometime after the experience is over... that just means I should do it again.

As my boss recently told me, "you're a medicine person! Do your medicine, do your work."

I'm a psychonaut too...

One love

<blockquote data-quote="Voidmatrix" data-source="post: 3952585" data-attributes="member: 5">Impulse Experience:&quot;Why did I do it? Because I wanted. There&#039;s your reason&quot;- [USER=37402]@Nydex[/USER] I have been intentionally shifting. I&#039;ve stopped smoking cannabis during the day and spend most of the day in silence. It&#039;s a growth practice. So I&#039;m very anxious all the time.I am talking to people though during these periods of silence, even if not vocally.I spoke with [USER=37402]@Nydex[/USER] quite a bit yesterday. About lot&#039;s of stuff. But that&#039;s not important. What&#039;s important is that we were talking and he said the above when I was sharing some stuff with him that I have been growing out of. I was feeling funky in the morning, so I took a morning journey. It was mild, but great. That&#039;s not important either. What&#039;s important is that there was a morning journey. I journaled. Coming to terms with the fact that the space doesn&#039;t care if I&#039;m &quot;perfect&quot; and doesn&#039;t have some goofy standard that shouldn&#039;t and doesn&#039;t apply to me. We&#039;ll just leave it at that. I&#039;m welcome in hyperspace, flaws and all. The space, if it cares about much, cares only for the character and soul of an individual... or so it seems.After journaling, I went about my evening. Throughout this time smoalking changa kept popping into my mind. I tried to fight the implulse. &quot;Waaaaah, I journeyed once already today, I shouldn&#039;t do it again,&quot; &quot;Waaaahhhh, but do I really feel like it?&quot; &quot;Waaaahhhhh, I can put it off until tomorrow...&quot; &quot;Waaaaahhh, it&#039;s getting late.&quot;While sitting with my tea, I was unable to reload the game I had been playing so decided to call it quits for the night. The episode of the show I was watching was also coming to an end.And I felt the impulse bludgeon my mind again...And a large part of me did want to.So I got up, set out my mat at my altar, turned off all the unnecessary lights, grabbed my tea, and then sat. It was silent, beautifully silent, even if loud and intense in its own way. I didn&#039;t even my air unit on. Opening the space, while invoking, I noticed something odd... I was comfortable. I took a sip of my tea, grabbed the bowl, and took a hit big enough to kick me in the back of the throat. I took another one, about the same size, and then another, and then a final one, attempting to finish the bowl. It was a bowl that had been toasted previously. Bowls that have already been hit tend to be a bit easier to manage because there&#039;s no longer as much DMT. It&#039;s very much harmala dominant. But DMT is still there, so sometimes I get myself a little surprise. I kept my eyes open for an inordinate amount of time for this experience. About half way through, I noticed that I was not depressed at all in that moment, and that was beautiful. It was a relief. I felt so good, and without compunction, I allowed it. I felt like I &quot;saw&quot; myself. The positives. The beneficial aspects.&nbsp; I then reflected on how hard it is to give myself this when I am not in the space. The years and years of torture and torment within, from something &quot;not me&quot; but still within me. This &quot;demon&quot; ever present. I cried, tears of joy and sadness combined. But this moment, this moment I hope to keep in my mind in a way that when I recall it and deeply feel the memory and what it entails. Remember it more emotionally than anything else. To recall it in times of need. I then found myself laughing, somewhat hysterically, at the absurdity of it all, with a bit of frustration in the laugh, being aware that some of the same blocks would reappear sometime after the experience is over... that just means I should do it again.As my boss recently told me, &quot;you&#039;re a medicine person! Do your medicine, do your work.&quot; I&#039;m a psychonaut too... <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite28" alt=":alien:" title="Alien&nbsp; &nbsp; :alien:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":alien:" /> One love</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Voidmatrix, post: 3952585, member: 5"] [COLOR=rgb(184, 49, 47)]Impulse Experience:[/COLOR] [COLOR=rgb(239, 239, 239)]"Why did I do it? Because I wanted. There's your reason"- [USER=37402]@Nydex[/USER] I have been intentionally shifting. I've stopped smoking cannabis during the day and spend most of the day in silence. It's a growth practice. So I'm very anxious all the time. I am talking to people though during these periods of silence, even if not vocally. I spoke with [USER=37402]@Nydex[/USER] quite a bit yesterday. About lot's of stuff. But that's not important. What's important is that we were talking and he said the above when I was sharing some stuff with him that I have been growing out of. I was feeling funky in the morning, so I took a morning journey. It was mild, but great. That's not important either. What's important is that there was a morning journey. I journaled. Coming to terms with the fact that the space doesn't care if I'm "perfect" and doesn't have some goofy standard that shouldn't and doesn't apply to me. We'll just leave it at that. I'm welcome in hyperspace, flaws and all. The space, if it cares about much, cares only for the character and soul of an individual... or so it seems. After journaling, I went about my evening. Throughout this time smoalking changa kept popping into my mind. I tried to fight the implulse. "Waaaaah, I journeyed once already today, I shouldn't do it again," "Waaaahhhh, but do I really feel like it?" "Waaaahhhhh, I can put it off until tomorrow..." "Waaaaahhh, it's getting late." While sitting with my tea, I was unable to reload the game I had been playing so decided to call it quits for the night. The episode of the show I was watching was also coming to an end. And I felt the impulse bludgeon my mind again... And a large part of me [I]did[/I] want to. So I got up, set out my mat at my altar, turned off all the unnecessary lights, grabbed my tea, and then sat. It was silent, beautifully silent, even if loud and intense in its own way. I didn't even my air unit on. Opening the space, while invoking, I noticed something odd... I was comfortable. I took a sip of my tea, grabbed the bowl, and took a hit big enough to kick me in the back of the throat. I took another one, about the same size, and then another, and then a final one, attempting to finish the bowl. It was a bowl that had been toasted previously. Bowls that have already been hit tend to be a bit easier to manage because there's no longer as much DMT. It's very much harmala dominant. But DMT is still there, so sometimes I get myself a little surprise. I kept my eyes open for an inordinate amount of time for this experience. About half way through, I noticed that I was not depressed at all in that moment, and that was beautiful. It was a relief. I felt so good, and without compunction, I allowed it. I felt like I "saw" myself. The positives. The beneficial aspects. I then reflected on how hard it is to give myself this when I am not in the space. The years and years of torture and torment within, from something "not me" but still within me. This "demon" ever present. I cried, tears of joy and sadness combined. But this moment, this moment I hope to keep in my mind in a way that when I recall it and deeply feel the memory and what it entails. Remember it more emotionally than anything else. To recall it in times of need. I then found myself laughing, somewhat hysterically, at the absurdity of it all, with a bit of frustration in the laugh, being aware that some of the same blocks would reappear sometime after the experience is over... that just means I should do it again. As my boss recently told me, "you're a medicine person! Do your medicine, do your work." I'm a psychonaut too... :alien: One love[/COLOR] [/QUOTE]