Well..

First thanks to the three of you for these answers full of consideration. I’m honored :roll: . And your intuitions are good, and allowed me to see a bit more clear in that case.

I’ll try to describe the process of stepping back that just happened, in case it is helpful to someone stepping on this.

Here is a part from the wikipedia page on Internal Family System (IFS) (it is an approach to how the psyche works that helped me a lot in my life so far, beside psychedelics and exposing my problems on a trustworthy forum.

So with what you said, i realized that all this story was a mess because there was a role-play happening inside me. (I mean several parts of me interacting) :x  :surprised

The first part :x  is the one trying to make the other part work, and slacking it off.

The second one   is the one being put to work until job is done.

And there is me :surprised , the guy who feels the mess, who doesn’t get the picture of the role play inside, who hears one part telling me «  you can’t make it alone, this is hell, stop this », and the other one saying «:x  don’t listen to that, it is distraction, you need to get it done », and who doesn’t know which one to listen to. No surprise I look like that: :surprised

Now i am aware of these parts, and i understand totally the part being chained to the desk, but the other part seems weird indeed. And i feel like the captain of a boat that has been taken over by one of the crew members. I don’t want to just kick him out, because he is trying to get me something by acting like that, so I need to sort this out with a bit more diplomacy to get harmony back on board, and sail strongly and happily to where we need to go together.

First what struck me was the close proximity to the situation I had with my parents regarding homework and how they put me to work.

Not knowing what else to do, i am starting an internal discussion with this part to try to know what she (it?) thinks she (it?) is doing. The answers are very short and basically there was no other motivation behind it’s attitude than fear. It is scared that without perseverance and discipline, critical things won’t be achieved later in life, thus it is trying to create discipline and perseverance by enslaving the other one to a desk.

Very simple, no discussion, little consideration, very mechanistic, no self reflexion on what example it is showing, no thoughts on trying to educate someone by taking it with you and showing him the pleasure in doing things.

Well, that part doesn’t know how to educate even if it thinks it is doing good for me, so it looks like the best I can do is show her how to do.

That is the point where I am taking the boat over again. This crew member is by my side, he is right about getting things done but i need to find and show him a suitable way to get things done instead of enslaving others.

For those who wonder about the parents/child relationship, I think the link is because I never made the effort to grow my own « nice » way of doing, when I need it what comes out is that part mimicking what i have seen before. My turn to spread love in doing my homework.

Ok that was a nice story i concur. The funny thing is when I read my first post again, i know clearly see when « I » hear « me » speak of « myself », which part is « I » and which part is « myself » and who is « me ». In Internal Family System, the big « me », the captain, is called the « self » btw.

Here it is, I felt like sharing this before going back to deal with my crew and my boat  Hard job