It Hit me Like a Freight Train.

[ArchetypalDreamer]

Bloody hell.

Tonight, I dipped my toe in hyperspace. Then my foot. I'm pretty much completely new to psychedelics, and have zero previous experience with DMT. The night went something like this:

Trip #1

After an initial 'one toke' toe-dipping (which made me feel rather relaxed and happy), I decided to go for a two-toke experience. I wasn't going for a breakthrough. Not tonight. Tonight was about getting acquainted with what DMT is, what it does and how it makes me feel. I've done a lot of research, but as you know - personal experience can't be rivalled. Anyway, here's what I typed up immediately after the trip (with a little tidying up for the sake of readability):

Hit me immediately. Lay down, closed eyes. Visuals largely comprised of interlocking triangles. Some primary colours, but mainly a brown in colour. The aforementioned primary colours were somehow small and very 'busy'. Like when you degauss an old CRT monitor. That kind of thing.

There were three intertwined serpents with no heads or tails in sight; their bodies were thick and undulating. They seemed to be within me, moving through me from toe to head. I was in a kind of cocoon, but it was very spacious and I didn't at all feel claustrophobic. I felt warm and somehow taken care of. It wasn't 'love', but it was a deep caring. There was also a very real sense that I was being hugged by an unseen force. It appeared that the 'serpents' were carrying out some kind of health inspection. I felt I was somehow being ‘aligned’. I noticed that there was an abrupt end to the warmth around my head - a void between it and the space just behind it. Just as realistic as the sensation of being hugged, there was also a feeling that an entity was somehow working on - if such a thing exists - my crown chakra. There was a palpable (but not unpleasant) sense of a dial being turned to the correct position. Re-aligning, perhaps? If there is such a thing as a chakra, then it seems to be the most fitting description.

All the way through there was the (what I'm told to be) usual auditory phenomena. Like a buzzing. This wasn't unpleasant - I experience the exact same thing often when I find myself between wakefulness and sleep. Overall, I was warm, taken care of and thoroughly enjoying the experience. Then, a rogue thought.

“Cancer”. This seemed to be an off-shot from the experience. I looked away (in 'hyperspace' - if that's where I was) from my cocoon to the left. The thought was given a form; it was like an odd shaped blob, green in colour - a stark contrast to everything else around me. It seemed to be a foreign thought within the trip, a runaway thing… or perhaps it was a discovered fear being brought to the fore of my consciousness. Unsure. It did seem to be ‘dragged in’ by myself or this entity for inspection.

The ‘entity’ or experience – or maybe me – tried to tell me that I was ok. I felt as though I was being gently slapped around the face, in a sort of attempt at hushing or reassuring. My mind continued with the negative train of thought and I saw an image of myself (mind's eye, not a part of the trip) looking rather worse for wear, as though I had been going through treatments. This made me fearful, but – again – I was somehow reassured that I’m (probably - it could have been me, or the entity) fine, but I should begin to look after my body more. I feel that the ‘cancer’ was a metaphor somehow. I am eating terribly, I do not exercise and I suffer from depression which I do nothing about.

The ‘cancer’ is perhaps my inactivity; my fear. Myself. Still, I can't shake how suddenly it appeared, how quickly it changed the nature of the trip and how urgently my attention was called to it. I do have some irrational fears around cancer. Not dying, but suffering. I'm incredibly disconnected from my body, and I've long had fears that it may let me down in some way... the sad thing is, I'm the one letting my body down. Day in, day out. I eat terrible food, I do no exercise. I am depressed. Without energy. Without drive. I am so disconnected that it is beginning to be a huge problem.

I feel fine within myself; I am (in spite of what I say above) healthy and strong - but I realise that I need to take my health more seriously. It is something I have been aware of since turning 30, but have been politely ignoring. All in all, the trip was 50% positive and 50% worrying. Did DMT diagnose something I'm unaware of? Or am I simply being shown my fears because I need to deal with them?

I also believe now more than ever that there are forces at work in this meatspace that defy rationale.

Perhaps worthy of note is that as I wrap this up, I feel profoundly affected. Very positive, but with deepened knowledge somehow. I feel I know now what I must do, lest the ‘cancer’ overtake me. The cancer is myself. I am disconnected, in a rut and I have allowed myself to wither and die; I need to engage with life on a more profound and productive level. I am capable of so much more, and a little belief in self wouldn't go amiss.

The takeaway message: (and I hope that's all it is) 'Start making changes. If you don't, there will be consequences'.

I then went out, got some food and came back. I decided that I didn't want to end on such a bad note, because I knew that walking away would absolutely guarantee that I'd never go back to DMT. Fear has held me back for far too long, so I went for it again. Perhaps foolishly, perhaps not. I didn't want to walk away without having conquered my fear. I'm glad that I didn't.

Again, this was typed straight after my trip:

Trip #2

Movement, impossible spirals, too much to note. Incredible feeling of euphoria. I was moving around. Swaying, like a ship on gentle seas.

Lots of spiralling, undulations. Large oval segments overhead, some interlocking and all replete with incredible visuals. Intense feeling of euphoria. Totally different from first experience. At one point, hurtling upwards towards a thin strip of light. My ‘essence’ or 'soul' if such things exist was buzzing within me as though I was full of static electricity; 'I' was rattling around in my body. I felt as though I was about to exit my meat-chariot like a fighter jet passing through the sound barrier.

Like the first trip, something around my head was being realigned. I sensed the very same entity. Very calming.

When the trip ended, I had a fit of giggles. I haven't felt so incredibly happy for a very, very long time. Life is exceptionally good.

As you can see, the second trip was incredibly effective at blasting my previous fear out of the water. I was happy to conclude the night there, though it was tempting to head right back in.

Ideally, I'd like to have another couple of 'light' experiences to further test the waters. I know nothing can or will prepare me for a breakthrough, but I still like to approach such things with great trepidation. Tonight, I got a feel for it. I realised that I'm safe, and the experiences can be incredibly euphoric... but at the same time, I'm going to be shown things which I'll have to integrate and learn from. Which is fine by me, because I'm doing this for the purpose of gaining greater insight. I want to be a better human being, I want to find that spark which I lost so long ago. In no way is this recreational. I'm simply taking the first few steps of a very long journey.

Overall, I'm still a bit nervous about what happened with #1, but I'm also much happier within myself. My wife has also noticed a difference within me today. She said that I seem more alive and a great deal happier. She's on board with all of this, and very happy for me to continue.

Finally, a huge shout out to the amazing friend who sat with me throughout. He's far more experienced, and really helped me to get out of my own way. I hope I can one day repay the favour.

Cheers!

[edit] The title and first line... yeah. Nothing could prepare me for how quickly the effects come on!

 

[JDSalinger]

Nice experience report. I do believe that DMT has something to show us and you gained something from hyperspace. What happened is real to you, acting on it IMO will help you to unlock true happiness, a concept which I am only now starting to understand. I believe that the physical is only temporary, things in excess like alcohol, bad eating, television etc. are poisonous to the soul. We are finding pleasure and looking for fulfilment in a false reality, give the body what it needs not wants. Acknowledging my conscious self as a being was paramount in finding freedom.

My partner has dealt with sever depression most of her life (we have been together eleven years) and she has not gone one day without having at least one moment of sadness. Since DMT she has not had a sad day; it has been six weeks! I do not know how this happened but I wish you the same good fortune with your own depression friend.

 

[ArchetypalDreamer]

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad your partner's depression has improved

Today, I feel amazing. Yesterday, a fear was made very real for me - but I now feel as though it was a kind of awakening. I can't quite explain how, but activities I used to take solace in (for example, watching MasterChef with the wife) seem so utterly inane to me now. I want to be doing something. Anything. I have to be productive and effective. I feel as though my mood has been lifted x1000.

... and that's a lot of "I feel" for a guy who usually says "I think"...

 

[○]

Really good writing, really good report.

Yeah, testing the waters is a smart route to go. This experience will go as deep as you're willing to stand (and you'll stop before it does). Having a healthy respect is a good thing to have with this experience (trepidation as you said).

The deeper you go, the stranger and more self evident specific aspects of the experience become, ime. Going from peripheral realizations to front and center in-your-face realizations. These experiences can completely shred any form of consensus reality you once took to be the case. These experiences can dissolve all notions and ideals within an instant, along with every support structure for the supposed "I", leaving what-is-left-to-remain, unfiltered, unobstructed, free flowing.

The experience has a wide (infinite?) gamet of potentials, a huge variance in effects. Expect nothing, welcome everything. As the saying goes - 'resistance is futile.'. :d

 

[ArchetypalDreamer]

Thanks for the reply Tattvamasi. I was really conscious that my writing wasn't up to scratch because of what I'd just experienced, so thanks for the reassurance - and the wisdom you offer for walking this path

Another thing I forgot to add: at one point, I was lay there thinking "Wow, I must look really stupid right now, just lay here and grinning to myself". I then had this voice say "Really? Does that really matter? Put your ego aside and enjoy..."