today's report brought to you by new and improved SET AND SETTING!! no matter HOW stubborn that stain is, new and improved SET AND SETTING is sure to get it out...
....or not...
the deets (the ones you can see):
1. 40mg caapi copy sublingual 40 minutes prior
2. house cleaning, errands, hot bath, bowl o' cereal....all external 'needs' tended to.
3. gorgeous, powerful new healing room exuding righteous energy and beckoning me to go within.
4. GVG loaded with a large amount of extremely potent electric sheep (blue lotus, calea, spice).
the other deets (the ones that even i have a hard time seeing):
1. after a beautiful years-long relationship (and recent engagement), ms. munki and i have broken up. yes, this seems extremely odd considering we just decided to get married, but sometimes making the greatest commitment is kind of like filling a bucket you've been making for a long time with water. you'd like to think it's going to work just fine, but sometimes you won't see any 'leaks' until it's finally filled up. sufficed to say, there have been a couple leaks that neither of us have been able to patch. my heart is completely broken and i am utterly lost right now. to top it off, my brother moved out a couple weeks ago to his own place and now i am alone to sit with this pain.
this is an extremely hard time for me. if any of you have noticed that i haven't been around too much lately....this is why...
2. aw shit- i'd say that #1 is plenty, wouldn't you?!?!
so it was with all of these energies that i decided to dissolve into oneness in the name of healing. i expected this to be a heavy journey, but i was also secretly hoping to somehow 'heal' this decimated heart. at the very least, to come to a place of self-love and acceptance....both are in short supply these days...
the first cut is the deepest....and so was my hit...
i am lost. not just in the density...i am also lost here is this eternity. profoundly so. my pain and hurt paint the very color of existence....muted greens....tear drops of red...nothing makes sense..
"does it ever?"
"who is this?"
"you are lost to yourself. you are lost to all worlds. none will have you."
"i am all things. i am..."
"that isn't going to work now. you are lost, understand? no place will have you. your mind games and affirmations mean nothing. you are lost now. we will keep you lost."
in nearly 1,000 journeys i have never experienced this. the bottom of a quicksand pit. no ropes offered. nothing overtly trying to scare me, but at the same time i am informed quite clearly that if i would ever want to know my former self....whoever that was....i was going to have to work for it.
for the first time ever, i was scared.
"you don't even know what you're trying to get back to, do you?"
"i am all things. i am love. i surrender."
"who is this i person you keep yammering about?"
everything fractals and multiplies beyond my ability to keep up....
why am i trying to keep up? i've never had to 'keep up" before. the confusion. the unanchored ship lost on a sea of confused insecurity...my father...i miss him so much...who is he? where is my heart? who am i?
who am i... i open my eyes and see a swirling confusion of things that are at once familiar and then they fractal off and replicate infinitely. i can't make sense of anything but i know in some part of my mind that there is a GVG at my side and a lighter. i am a warrior...i will go deeper into this thing...i will not end it like this...
and here is where i am struggling....
i went back 4 more times. each time, the blue lotus took me deeper and i came out feeling it's ever increasing effects. at one point, it was almost like when you eat too much cannibis....my mind was too confused...i couldn't find a center let alone hold it. my efforts to face this thing head on only took me deeper into it's maw. ultimately i had to walk away. again, nothing leaving me a drooling idiot..just a sense that i was lost and i was simply going to have to sit in this lost place for a spell....
funnily enough, there was even a point when i was at my deepest place of confusion where an unconfuseable part of myself said quite plainly, "this is part of the shaman's path. you must go to this place. you must know this aspect of the medicine to truly embody it's full healing. this is the death before the rebirth."
the caapi? the large amount of blue lotus? the spice? my 'set'? i am convinced that all of these uniquely profound elements came together to teach me my biggest lesson yet. sometimes, you have to simply sit in that place of confusion, fear and sorrow. it must be embraced. it must be loved. it is a way of 'finding' yourself.
sometimes the door refuses to open until the room has been thoroughly cleaned...
now if you'll excuse me, i've got to get back to scrubbing....
WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE
....or not...
the deets (the ones you can see):
1. 40mg caapi copy sublingual 40 minutes prior
2. house cleaning, errands, hot bath, bowl o' cereal....all external 'needs' tended to.
3. gorgeous, powerful new healing room exuding righteous energy and beckoning me to go within.
4. GVG loaded with a large amount of extremely potent electric sheep (blue lotus, calea, spice).
the other deets (the ones that even i have a hard time seeing):
1. after a beautiful years-long relationship (and recent engagement), ms. munki and i have broken up. yes, this seems extremely odd considering we just decided to get married, but sometimes making the greatest commitment is kind of like filling a bucket you've been making for a long time with water. you'd like to think it's going to work just fine, but sometimes you won't see any 'leaks' until it's finally filled up. sufficed to say, there have been a couple leaks that neither of us have been able to patch. my heart is completely broken and i am utterly lost right now. to top it off, my brother moved out a couple weeks ago to his own place and now i am alone to sit with this pain.
this is an extremely hard time for me. if any of you have noticed that i haven't been around too much lately....this is why...
2. aw shit- i'd say that #1 is plenty, wouldn't you?!?!
so it was with all of these energies that i decided to dissolve into oneness in the name of healing. i expected this to be a heavy journey, but i was also secretly hoping to somehow 'heal' this decimated heart. at the very least, to come to a place of self-love and acceptance....both are in short supply these days...
the first cut is the deepest....and so was my hit...
i am lost. not just in the density...i am also lost here is this eternity. profoundly so. my pain and hurt paint the very color of existence....muted greens....tear drops of red...nothing makes sense..
"does it ever?"
"who is this?"
"you are lost to yourself. you are lost to all worlds. none will have you."
"i am all things. i am..."
"that isn't going to work now. you are lost, understand? no place will have you. your mind games and affirmations mean nothing. you are lost now. we will keep you lost."
in nearly 1,000 journeys i have never experienced this. the bottom of a quicksand pit. no ropes offered. nothing overtly trying to scare me, but at the same time i am informed quite clearly that if i would ever want to know my former self....whoever that was....i was going to have to work for it.
for the first time ever, i was scared.
"you don't even know what you're trying to get back to, do you?"
"i am all things. i am love. i surrender."
"who is this i person you keep yammering about?"
everything fractals and multiplies beyond my ability to keep up....
why am i trying to keep up? i've never had to 'keep up" before. the confusion. the unanchored ship lost on a sea of confused insecurity...my father...i miss him so much...who is he? where is my heart? who am i?
who am i... i open my eyes and see a swirling confusion of things that are at once familiar and then they fractal off and replicate infinitely. i can't make sense of anything but i know in some part of my mind that there is a GVG at my side and a lighter. i am a warrior...i will go deeper into this thing...i will not end it like this...
and here is where i am struggling....
i went back 4 more times. each time, the blue lotus took me deeper and i came out feeling it's ever increasing effects. at one point, it was almost like when you eat too much cannibis....my mind was too confused...i couldn't find a center let alone hold it. my efforts to face this thing head on only took me deeper into it's maw. ultimately i had to walk away. again, nothing leaving me a drooling idiot..just a sense that i was lost and i was simply going to have to sit in this lost place for a spell....
funnily enough, there was even a point when i was at my deepest place of confusion where an unconfuseable part of myself said quite plainly, "this is part of the shaman's path. you must go to this place. you must know this aspect of the medicine to truly embody it's full healing. this is the death before the rebirth."
the caapi? the large amount of blue lotus? the spice? my 'set'? i am convinced that all of these uniquely profound elements came together to teach me my biggest lesson yet. sometimes, you have to simply sit in that place of confusion, fear and sorrow. it must be embraced. it must be loved. it is a way of 'finding' yourself.
sometimes the door refuses to open until the room has been thoroughly cleaned...
now if you'll excuse me, i've got to get back to scrubbing....
WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE
