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IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN....

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My heart goes out to all of you.

I just got back from the hospital; I was visiting my grandmother who I just learned had a mini stroke earlier this evening. She is alright now, other than being at an increased risk for a full blown stroke. This is after a long week's work, both at jobs and school. And despite my utter exhaustion, this thread makes me feel that it's time for a journey into TRUE utter exhaustion and surrender - a journey which I, as of the past year or so, have not often felt up to.

Good luck to all of you in your hard times. I very much agree with the idea that these hard times are very necessary. It's a true test to find yourself when things get really rough.
 
Sending lots of love!!

When something hurts... even yourself... the best you can do is sit with it, just be present in the emotion, and in awareness, let it flow through you... I have wept the deepest tears and mourned powerfully with the medicine, and through this, learned the importance of expressing emotion vs. storing it in the body...

We are definitely here for you...
 
Antrocles, first let me say that I am so sorry to hear about you and ms munki. To say that going through such a breakup is rough is understatement for the ages. I feel your pain and know how bleak things can seem at times...

Antrocles, I am covered in goosebumps as I read this and tearing up as well. Yesterday I loaded up some changa into my gvg on a relatively light mushroom tea experience. Upon hitting the piece, I went blind. The air clouded with the dmt mist, but nothing resolved. I couldn't see, I couldn't think, I couldn't find any bearing. I went crazy, lost in my confusion. I threw myself face first into my bed and breathed deep in an attempt to find some sort of center, but it just wasn't happening. In desperation, I clutched the covers in my fists, waiting for this to pass. I could find no acceptance, no peace, no love. There was no internal monologue to be had as I was completely awash in a host of dark, depressing thoughts that refused to lift.

I knew the blindness would clear and it did, but while waiting with closed eyes I experienced a multitude of mental cacophonies. As everything cleared and I came out of the experience, all I was able to say was "I am lost" over and over again. It became almost like a post-trip mantra. Unlike you, I did not have the mental fortitude to go back, I was far to decimated by my first experience. Instead I went for a walk and tried to sort through everything that had just happened. This has been my second experience with the spice in the past couple months where I encountered overpoweringly loneliness. There are life habits I know I've needed to change, things that need attending to that I have neglected or shortchanged. I found myself resonating very strongly with house's recent "trouble re-integrating" post and now seeing this post by you, I feel somewhat reassured in that I know that I was correct in realizing that my own stains need a fair amount of scrubbing with heavy duty elbow grease.

I pondered stuff along the line of thought of "this is the shaman's path" and agree to a degree. I feel very calm, not the calm that comes with serenity, but the calm that comes with having all of your energy sapped. There is not much joy in this calmness, but I think maybe it is the mental state I need to truly act to change things in my life. Maybe now I can stop the go-go-go mentality I usually have, or at least take things into consideration while living this somewhat hectic life. I have decided to take a break from entheogens until I am settled in my new house. I figure a 2+ month break will give me time to work on what I need to and then re-asses things. I can't even begin to express how closely my experience yesterday resonated with your experience. Reading your report felt like reliving my own encounter. I thank you so much for you words, to know that others have experienced this and are going through similar things is empowering, if not comforting.

Thank you so much for posting this. Things seem bleak right now, but it is always darkest before the dawn. I'm so sorry for you and ms. munki, painful relationships are one reason I find myself in my current state of loneliness. I think each emotional wounding makes it that much harder to open up to the universal love that flows through us all. I wish you the best in your own scrubbing and will be thinking of you as I continue to try to integrate my own experience.

love
SB
 
you guys are amazing. should i be joyous or depressed that some of my best, most high-quality friends are people i know only by a secret name and a little one-inch square random piece of art? this world is truly amazing...

your words, both from those who are also going through this hard time and those who are the rocks for us to cling to during this storm....you are such a righteous commuity. the more time i am here on the nexus, the more i am truly humbled by how soulful, powerful and down-right enlightened this community is. you guys better hope we never all get a chance to meet up, cuz i'll be throwing a hug on you that'll probably break a few ribs! ;)

your support is tremendous and your compassion humbles me. i will get better....this is just not going to be an overnight thing. at 39, i was truly convinced that this was my last chance at family, children, etc... i know that's bullshit, but my irrational mind is spurred on by the fact that almost my entire family has passed away now. it is easy for me to get down and see myself as 'alone' in this world. i know i am not. it just feels that way in times like these....

art- sorry i'm so bad about answering the phone. i do that when i'm in a funk. i go within....and not in the best way....i will take strides to not do that anymore.

you guys are so awesome. i am so very grateful to have such a compassionate group of friends. thank you again for all your kindness.

WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE
 
A couple of weeks ago, I split up with my partner of 4 years. We had both come to realise that we were blocking one another's spiritual growth, and wanted different things from life. Although I know it was right for this to happen, it is still painful, and it is not always easy to be alone. But I think things must end before new things can begin; and in the void and the quiet, something is growing.

much love brother
 
A couple of weeks ago, I split up with my partner of 4 years. We had both come to realise that we were blocking one another's spiritual growth, and wanted different things from life. Although I know it was right for this to happen, it is still painful, and it is not always easy to be alone. But I think things must end before new things can begin; and in the void and the quiet, something is growing.

much love brother
 
sameoldsongam said:
I very much agree with the idea that these hard times are very necessary. It's a true test to find yourself when things get really rough.
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Definately, I was homeless for around 8 months of my life, it was quite difficult and horrible but strangely it was one of the most positive experiences also :? The whole experience really helped me with personal growth that I needed at the time and im better for it.

A friend of mines got put in jail in the early eighties, he was the first black person ever in a Scottish jail, really hard experience but it really did work and he wouldnt change anything, he was in for 7 years, guards made sure he satyed a long time but if it wasnt for that horrible experience he wouldnt be the great grounded guy he is now. My cousin has done a lot of jail time too and it would get him clean and sort him out, even though it was horrible he knew it benefitted him in the long run.

Sorry to hear of you splitting up antrocles it must be very difficult, id be distraught if I lost my partner, id also be out of a house too , it woulod be hard but I know because of past experiences I would survive. The power of now by ekhart tolle is a good book, also the diamond in your pocket by gangajii was a great help to me. Much love to you and house, hope the two of you get through these hard times and are better for it!
 
antrocles: You can always PM Me and everything. I'll try to support you during this time of need. There are various techniques to get yourself back to where you want to be... I mean, everything works, as long as it works for you. Law of attraction, magickal spells, finding joy within, prayer... anything as long as it is a manifestation of your will. Not "I want X, I want Y" but "I have X, I have Y, _ I AM _ So happy, I _AM_ SO grateful."

If you want to read more articles on this kind of thing, Im writing for a website which I plan to up very shortly.

I think everyone here at the nexus would really miss antrocles and no one wants him to be unhappy. Please reply.

by the way, antrocles: a little story for you- SWIM has a friend who looks SURPRISINGLY like that random 1-inch square peice of art, and at the weekend he made this face which was just like 'wooooo?' and it completely cracked SWIM up. Made me think of you.



... here's a random thought... does anyone at the nexus think that the more frequent members, those who have > 700 posts are somehow connected? I can't help but feeling that it is somehow my fault that house and others have reported terrible trips. perhaps because I haven't been to hyperspace as often as I should? I don't know, If it is, i am so terribly sorry from the bottom of my heart :S Somone please answer this one.

Thanks
 
bad about answering the phone. i do that when i'm in a funk. i go within....and not in the best way....i will take strides to not do that anymore.
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I also have that nasty tendency. That's one of the worst aspects of difficult periods for me, going into 'hermit mode'. No need for that at all!

But people are built to survive, we will come out tougher and wiser. The doors will open up again when this batch of heavy work down here is completed and the next phase can start..

A BIG HUG from across the ocean!!
 
shoe said:
I can't help but feeling that it is somehow my fault that house and others have reported terrible trips. perhaps because I haven't been to hyperspace as often as I should?
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Shame on you, shoe. You may also be responsible for this volcano screwing up everyone's travel plans. Get back in there, apologise, and ask them to stop spanking your friends. In fact, you may need to offer yourself as a human sacrifice to the Mantoid King at this stage, or we're all fucked.
 
antrocles said:
. i know that's bullshit, but my irrational mind is spurred on by the fact that almost my entire family has passed away now. it is easy for me to get down and see myself as 'alone' in this world. i know i am not. it just feels that way in times like these....
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My grandma lost 5 of her members all within 6 months and from that day on she has never been the same She is almost alone like you say of yourself and even being the oldest of her family as she watches all her younger siblings and children pass away before her..

I always felt that somehow it was my doing or wasn't doing enough for her but as I talked to Pandora one night she bluntly reminded me that her time is closing. I finally realized that it had nothing to do with my actions and I now feel more then ever that to me the most important thing in life is not how smart you are, not how many friends you have (though friends can be the one greatest asset in life)or your beliefs in life.

Its about loving and caring with passion ...I really don't know how to explain it but hopefully some of you will get what Im trying to present. My grandma for over that past year has always been asking me to find a way to put her to sleep. She looked me right in the eye the other day and brushed her hand through my hair and said "how are you doing? I have never seen that look in her eyes before it was complete emotion and love.

I feel for everyone here going through rough times but as others have said it must happen to show us that nothing matters more then was is blatantly in front of us. I love everyone here and don't know how I ever stumbled across the nexus but it has changed my life quicker then anything else could have and its all because everyone is nice and loving.

Oh and we also locked in a new residence on friday and sense its vacant we are able to move in ASAP. We are dont have much so we can get everything in one load . Hopefully this will work out for you and us!
 
Hey Art. Sorry to hear the bad news. Loss is a HARD thing to cope with.

I'm going through a lot myself and there IS something going on, because I know a lot of people that are not doing all that well.

Let's hope all clears up soon!

Life is too important to sit on the sidelines the whole time.
 
Hi Ant, my heart is out to you friend. I have to say i am not doing too well either. A few days this past week i woke up just balling my head off. I feel so so lost and alone. I KNOW i won't be in this place forever and just need to find the strength to pull myself out and feel happy again. I just know it's going to take a lot of time and a number of serious changes to feel whole again.

I hope you feel better soon, Ant. You deserve to be happy.

DK
 
antrocles said:
at 39, i was truly convinced that this was my last chance at family, children, etc...
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I can relate to this sooo much right now. I have been feeling a deep need to assure my genes be passed along.

Love is a crucible (and a battlefield, apparently). When my eyes are seeing objectively, I can look back at many of my most profound turns. More often than not, there is a girl. I either need her closer or farther away. I am pretty happy with where I've ended up... I imagine you will be too when the wound heals. My thoughts are with you.

My unsolicited advice: purchase, download or borrow "the haunted world of El Superbeasto" and hopefully laugh your ass off.
 
Hey ant, much love out to you dear brother. I do not know how to offer help to you, nor do I have any spesific advice right now. I want you to know though, that I and many others here think you are an amazing guy and you have been so loving and kind to all of us. I would like to offer some of that love and kindness back to you, as I am sure the rest of the bunch here will. Know this bro, and try to receive it. We are sending it back, we are with you, you are one of us. Keep reaching out to us and you will always get an answer.

House, I post to you here as well: The same goes for you. Times can be one hell of a ride sometimes, things can be so rough you feel the world is being fucking torned apart in a snap. But it doesn't, it still goes round. And when shit is dark you GOTTA stretch out of the darkness to get a little candle with you back inside. Once you collect one candle, keep on collecting more. Stretch out and grab all the good things you can while you sit there in the dark comtemplating, feeling this madness and sadness through the very core of your being. This is a part of the ride we're on, and it cannot be denied.

This goes out for all of you here that may have a rough time these days. I am in some pretty goddamn deep shit myself, in deep grief and deep sorrow. And there are several people around me here that have lots of heavy shit going on as well. Being lost like that can really cloud your mind and make you fall even further down in the pit. Fight it. Love it. Climb it. Don't give in.

NO ONE IS ALONE! We are all on this journey we call life together, so grab my hand and walk with me.
 
Antrocles, respect and prayers, you can articulate many concepts that alot of us can't. I don't respond on threads as much as I should, but I feel your pain brother. I had 2 close friends, one of them my old roomate, commit suicide last month. 2 beautiful girls, inside and out. THey were bright, shinging young souls who could fill your heart with joy. It has been the Hardest month of my life, but thanks to the great Spice, I know their souls are liberated into the light, into the forms they deserve.

I am taking my 2nd real breakthrough this week and I know there is Gnowledge and healing wisdom I am meant to bring back. Love and Respekt to all, we are the keepers of the ancient sacred light, the ushers of a new dawn, the ones who have the burden and honor of carrying our species forward into infinity.
When waking up sucks, something I heard on the nexus has been helping (forgot who said it):
we are clearly higher spirits, sent into this world of hard knocks and suffering to find answers and wisdom that can only be achieved in this constructed reality, as a way of learning lessons the hard way.
 
Ant I am sincerely sorry to hear of your breakup. But dont worry or give up at 45 I to am still waiting for the right soul mate. I have had plenty of girlfriends who did there best to trap me in a permanent relationship with children but deep inside I knew it was not the one for me. I am confident I will find that person but I will not settle for second best just to have children. That would not be fair to my spouse ,the kids or myself. My current girlfriend is not ready to settle down nor am I ready to settle for her. Sorry if that makes me sound like a jerk.

As far as life troubles go, I was just railroaded by the PIGS (not DMT related) a couple weeks ago. I spent five days in Jail yes it was a wonderful time, 55degrees f is a thin prison jump suit without seeing the light of day in a solitary cell. My meditation skills really came in handy. I wont go into detail but it was as they say a so called victim-less crime.

My attorney tells me he has never seen such a absurd case and is nearly sure I can beat the charges but its going to cost me about five Grand before its over. I have NO criminal record and do not need to be a convicted felon so I will pay what ever it costs to beat this and put it behind me. Still the stress and anxiety level for me is currently off the charts.

Like many others who posted on this thread and have been here awhile I feel like I know you all well. And I also know this, we are all kind compassionate loving people who will rise above these obstacles life has placed before us.

I can not lie its got me down for the moment. But I also know we all shall overcome and be wiser for our negative experiences.

Peace Friends
 
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