i wrestled a shadow tonight. i will make all attempts to make this statement NOT sound like a crazy person is talking. although i will also take this time to mention that a lot of cubensis, caapi and DMT was involved...
our tale begins thus:
i've been feeling better about my recent batch of deep work, though there was still a bit of niggling confusion. i was thinking i might just take a break...still am....but at around 5pm i felt inspired to face whatever this residual funk was.
head on. :shock:
it began with popping 2 grams of our beloved caapi 20x extract straight down with a splash of grapefruit juice. i immediately got in my car and started driving north and east.
i have a batch of cubensis right now that are some of the most potent cubes i've ever come across. they look like mexican strain but they feel like azurescense to be honest. 1 humble gram of these little teachers will have you unable to walk during the peak of the experience. i can normally polish off an 1/8 and carry on like nothing ever happened..but these guys.....i'm just sayin...
i took 1.5 grams knowing full-well that this would be a SOLID conversation with the fungods. this was done in my car, halfway to the foothills of the sierra madre mountains...
got there just as i was "getting there". night was falling. hard. stars were already splashed across the sky. the world was already breathing as one.
checklist:
bundled up nice n' toasty? check.
loaded VG? check.
ready to rumble? double check.
a ravine up ahead cleft it's way between two summitless peaks. if the mountains had a crotch, i was gonna head straight up into it. "it'll either end up orgasmically good or shittily bad", i said out loud with a giggle. i enjoy black and white like that.
not another soul for lifetimes in any direction. whatever i would face would be my battle to rise to. i pulled my coat closed and started up into the thin black canyon...
the wall of the mountains on either side of me rose up past the limits of time and space. beyond my sight. beyond my mind. the walls of eternity funneling all that i was deeper into visionless void. i couldn't see more than 6 feet in front of my face. the ravine was maybe wide enough for 5 of me to walk shoulder to shoulder. if i came to an abrupt end, i would climb. i didn't think for a minute of how i would get back. i didn't think of anything other than the fact that i needed to keep going deeper until i reached a point where i simply could not go any further.
an hour later, i came to a sheer wall of granite. if i wanted to corner myself more completely, i would need divine guidance to show me how. i turned and lay my back against the immovable haunch of a great granite sentinel and looked back into blackness. ink blackness. an hour's worth of it. if fear were a shark, i had just thrown about a million gallons of chum into that mountain pass.
i stood and waited. i closed my eyes. i was so buried into this mountain, i could not even see the sky overhead.
turns out the mountain was female...i had to earn this re-birth. there was something in this womb with me, vying for the one life on offer.
fear.
i opened my eyes into blackness and immediately felt the gravity of what i had committed myself to. i felt fear on a scale that went beyond rational thought. it was primordial. it was the fear whose fingers shown for the briefest moment in my last deep ego-death DMT journey. it was fully present now. i felt it's breath on my neck and my heart began to race.
i started forward into an endless singularity. each step was slow as i felt for the ground's complexion. the mushrooms' potency was fully engaged and space and clarity was distorted. even perfect blackness became "cloudy", as if that were even possible. i made the decision to keep contact with one of the cliff walls as i walked. this somehow kept me feeling connected to something as i stumbled through blackness back to my beginning.
and then it happened. with a good 40 minutes left to the opening of the gorge, i felt a hand grab my shoulder and turn me around. both of my fists balled up instinctively and i let out the most primal, terrifying yell of any creature roaming the earth. i literally scared myself with what came out of me. and in that exact moment, it sunk in completely....the fear was inside me. it wasn't something outside of myself. it was IN me.
and here is where we start sounding a little crazy. in the blackest corridor of nothingness, i proceeded to have a battle with myself. i became a monster. i yelled with every atom of the universe. the most blood-chilliing screams from deep down in my balls. screams that echoed off the tight walls and back at me with the effect of 10,000 voices. i was surrounded by my own demons. nameless, faceless, no rationality whatsoever.
and all the while, a part of me trembled in absolute terror beneath this exorcism. i was possessed by my own fear. i was angered by it. my anger raged outward and my fear only grew.
"this is madness", i thought. "i am so angry that i feel this fear. i am so fucking angry!!" and a voice in my head softly whispered something i had heard only just recently in a deep DMT journey.
"surrender your need to want".
i instantly stopped yelling and said this one simple sentence plainly and calmly.
"surrender your need to want".
of course. my fear WANTS me to be angry. my anger WANTS me to be fearful. everything WANTS something from everything else so that IT CAN BE. wanting is what makes this density continue to be the classroom and not the heaven it really is. wanting is the root of all conditioned existence. wanting is what is needed to begin the game. in order for want to exist, SOMETHING has to want SOMETHING OTHER.
in that instant, the entire universe aligned itself inside a single atom that vibrated at the very center of my pineal gland. the very heart of all i was ever searching for.
like a man just realizing that the world was made out of chocolate, i pulled the very fabric of time and space into the smile that spread across my face. i didn't even blink. in one perfect motion, i simultaneously sat down on the moist canyon floor, brought my GVG up to my lips, deftly took my lighter out from my pocket and watched with a gleam in my eye as the torch illuminated the face of the dragon sitting across from me...
i did something i've never done before. i stood up with my eyes open and began to walk...though not completely "broken through", i was deeply in hyperspace and only just aware of any sense of self that existed. i genuinely felt like i had just put on a pair of "night-vision" goggles. prismatic grids filled my field of vision and a "skin" of shiny golds, greens and reds was stretched over it. this made up the basic shape of the once jet-black canyon that snaked before me.
note to self: DMT allows you to see in the dark. :shock:
for reasons beyond my human mind, i began to sing (not speak, but SING!) the Green Tara's Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha. i sang this with the gold-leafed voice of a god for the entire remainder of my journey out of the mountain's womb.
as the spice's control ebbed slightly, i found my thoughts beginning to manifest a green hue to the canyon. i felt as if at any moment, the Tara herself was about to reveal herself to me. like she was just "around the next corner"...even though there were no corners for the entirety of my corridor. i felt absolutley freed from fear...but not "rid" of fear. it was a part of me just as every other part of me is a part of me. i loved, accepted and embraced all of these "parts". i was everything. i AM everything.
i got back to my car nearly 3 hours after i had left it. the drive home was spent laughing uncontrollably and falling in love with everything i looked at for more than 3 seconds. i walked into my room 20 minutes ago and came straight to my computer to tap this out while it's still somewhat fresh. definitely the longest one yet and for those who made it through all of this, i tell you from the bottom of my heart that i appreciate the love and support of this community beyond anything.
this one made every struggle that came before it more than worthwhile. this one was huge.
WITH LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!
our tale begins thus:
i've been feeling better about my recent batch of deep work, though there was still a bit of niggling confusion. i was thinking i might just take a break...still am....but at around 5pm i felt inspired to face whatever this residual funk was.
head on. :shock:
it began with popping 2 grams of our beloved caapi 20x extract straight down with a splash of grapefruit juice. i immediately got in my car and started driving north and east.
i have a batch of cubensis right now that are some of the most potent cubes i've ever come across. they look like mexican strain but they feel like azurescense to be honest. 1 humble gram of these little teachers will have you unable to walk during the peak of the experience. i can normally polish off an 1/8 and carry on like nothing ever happened..but these guys.....i'm just sayin...
i took 1.5 grams knowing full-well that this would be a SOLID conversation with the fungods. this was done in my car, halfway to the foothills of the sierra madre mountains...
got there just as i was "getting there". night was falling. hard. stars were already splashed across the sky. the world was already breathing as one.
checklist:
bundled up nice n' toasty? check.
loaded VG? check.
ready to rumble? double check.
a ravine up ahead cleft it's way between two summitless peaks. if the mountains had a crotch, i was gonna head straight up into it. "it'll either end up orgasmically good or shittily bad", i said out loud with a giggle. i enjoy black and white like that.
not another soul for lifetimes in any direction. whatever i would face would be my battle to rise to. i pulled my coat closed and started up into the thin black canyon...
the wall of the mountains on either side of me rose up past the limits of time and space. beyond my sight. beyond my mind. the walls of eternity funneling all that i was deeper into visionless void. i couldn't see more than 6 feet in front of my face. the ravine was maybe wide enough for 5 of me to walk shoulder to shoulder. if i came to an abrupt end, i would climb. i didn't think for a minute of how i would get back. i didn't think of anything other than the fact that i needed to keep going deeper until i reached a point where i simply could not go any further.
an hour later, i came to a sheer wall of granite. if i wanted to corner myself more completely, i would need divine guidance to show me how. i turned and lay my back against the immovable haunch of a great granite sentinel and looked back into blackness. ink blackness. an hour's worth of it. if fear were a shark, i had just thrown about a million gallons of chum into that mountain pass.
i stood and waited. i closed my eyes. i was so buried into this mountain, i could not even see the sky overhead.
turns out the mountain was female...i had to earn this re-birth. there was something in this womb with me, vying for the one life on offer.
fear.
i opened my eyes into blackness and immediately felt the gravity of what i had committed myself to. i felt fear on a scale that went beyond rational thought. it was primordial. it was the fear whose fingers shown for the briefest moment in my last deep ego-death DMT journey. it was fully present now. i felt it's breath on my neck and my heart began to race.
i started forward into an endless singularity. each step was slow as i felt for the ground's complexion. the mushrooms' potency was fully engaged and space and clarity was distorted. even perfect blackness became "cloudy", as if that were even possible. i made the decision to keep contact with one of the cliff walls as i walked. this somehow kept me feeling connected to something as i stumbled through blackness back to my beginning.
and then it happened. with a good 40 minutes left to the opening of the gorge, i felt a hand grab my shoulder and turn me around. both of my fists balled up instinctively and i let out the most primal, terrifying yell of any creature roaming the earth. i literally scared myself with what came out of me. and in that exact moment, it sunk in completely....the fear was inside me. it wasn't something outside of myself. it was IN me.
and here is where we start sounding a little crazy. in the blackest corridor of nothingness, i proceeded to have a battle with myself. i became a monster. i yelled with every atom of the universe. the most blood-chilliing screams from deep down in my balls. screams that echoed off the tight walls and back at me with the effect of 10,000 voices. i was surrounded by my own demons. nameless, faceless, no rationality whatsoever.
and all the while, a part of me trembled in absolute terror beneath this exorcism. i was possessed by my own fear. i was angered by it. my anger raged outward and my fear only grew.
"this is madness", i thought. "i am so angry that i feel this fear. i am so fucking angry!!" and a voice in my head softly whispered something i had heard only just recently in a deep DMT journey.
"surrender your need to want".
i instantly stopped yelling and said this one simple sentence plainly and calmly.
"surrender your need to want".
of course. my fear WANTS me to be angry. my anger WANTS me to be fearful. everything WANTS something from everything else so that IT CAN BE. wanting is what makes this density continue to be the classroom and not the heaven it really is. wanting is the root of all conditioned existence. wanting is what is needed to begin the game. in order for want to exist, SOMETHING has to want SOMETHING OTHER.
in that instant, the entire universe aligned itself inside a single atom that vibrated at the very center of my pineal gland. the very heart of all i was ever searching for.
like a man just realizing that the world was made out of chocolate, i pulled the very fabric of time and space into the smile that spread across my face. i didn't even blink. in one perfect motion, i simultaneously sat down on the moist canyon floor, brought my GVG up to my lips, deftly took my lighter out from my pocket and watched with a gleam in my eye as the torch illuminated the face of the dragon sitting across from me...
i did something i've never done before. i stood up with my eyes open and began to walk...though not completely "broken through", i was deeply in hyperspace and only just aware of any sense of self that existed. i genuinely felt like i had just put on a pair of "night-vision" goggles. prismatic grids filled my field of vision and a "skin" of shiny golds, greens and reds was stretched over it. this made up the basic shape of the once jet-black canyon that snaked before me.
note to self: DMT allows you to see in the dark. :shock:
for reasons beyond my human mind, i began to sing (not speak, but SING!) the Green Tara's Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha. i sang this with the gold-leafed voice of a god for the entire remainder of my journey out of the mountain's womb.
as the spice's control ebbed slightly, i found my thoughts beginning to manifest a green hue to the canyon. i felt as if at any moment, the Tara herself was about to reveal herself to me. like she was just "around the next corner"...even though there were no corners for the entirety of my corridor. i felt absolutley freed from fear...but not "rid" of fear. it was a part of me just as every other part of me is a part of me. i loved, accepted and embraced all of these "parts". i was everything. i AM everything.
i got back to my car nearly 3 hours after i had left it. the drive home was spent laughing uncontrollably and falling in love with everything i looked at for more than 3 seconds. i walked into my room 20 minutes ago and came straight to my computer to tap this out while it's still somewhat fresh. definitely the longest one yet and for those who made it through all of this, i tell you from the bottom of my heart that i appreciate the love and support of this community beyond anything.
this one made every struggle that came before it more than worthwhile. this one was huge.
WITH LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!
