Letter to my biological Mother

[BeastofBurden]

Word of Warning: This is quite personal to me. I don’t mind sharing but don’t feel obligated to read it. I wrote this after two consecutive nights of Caapi-only brews which produced no profound effects, just minor differences in my outlook and bits of healing. Because I wrote this after my first meetings with Ayahuasca, I thought some may be interested in the healing that is taking place between my borderline-psychotic mother and I, and our awkwardly sour relationship.
Several days ago, family members were asked to write a letter with words of encouragement for my mother. She left last Thursday for a sponsored Christian women’s retreat, God knows where.
Below is the letter I wrote. A few months after I became sober, I stopped believing in God (realized I actually never believed in the first place). Because of this, I mentioned nothing of God or Christianity in the letter.

Dear mom,
We’ve been through a lot, you and me. It wasn’t my initial intent to bring up a particular painful memory, but what I have to say will bring healing to our relationship. There’s nothing that could benefit you more than a life-long blessing, as opposed to short-lived warmth in your heart that just fades away in time. Instead of writing about how great a mother you have been, though my brother and I would certainly agree that you are great, I am going to share an important memory in my life of when I was a child…

At the time I believe I was 7 years old, and you had punished me with a good spanking for something I did. I was pouting here and there, surely upset from this – So much that I said, “You don’t love me! You don’t love me!” It’s not so much in the spanking where I was deeply hurt, it’s the way you responded to my cries. “Then go get a new mom!” you told me. Being just a child I took this quite literally. I shut up immediately as the idea of getting a new mother, a stranger flooded my imagination. There was no way I could live with a different mom. The thought that my own mother would so willingly give me up made me feel unloved and worthless. I have never forgotten this memory… I had only forgotten that it changed my life forever.

The word “love” itself lost meaning. I didn’t love anything in the world and nothing loved me. If you have ever wondered why it’s so hard for me to say “I love you”, this may be the reason. It took me all these years just to realize why it took so much effort to say those three words. In fact it wasn’t until recently, I texted my dad and brother that I loved them, which was the first time in over 12 years.

Now, I’m not going to reflect on the painful memory and look at how it’s affected my life. Instead I will say this: Nothing is to blame for what you’ve become, you are responsible for accepting who you are. I live by this, and it’s the only way I live happily. We as humans shouldn’t hold others responsible for the things that happen to us. It would be impossible to live peacefully this way. We must forgive and forget.

Now I go to the main point. Do you want to know what I, your youngest son, think of you?
You are the greatest mom in the entire world. You raised two great sons who would do anything for you to get you where you need to go in life. There’s nothing more we can ask of you. You have given us everything we need right here in our hearts.

But I'm not finished yet. There’s something I noticed about you and how you live your life; you put others first, far in front of yourself. While this is a good characteristic, it’s not good to actually talk down to yourself like you do. I consider this to be self-defeat. Don’t be so hard on yourself, only YOU can be YOU so be the greatest YOU there is. The words you speak should never hurt, so speak words of truth:

Never say you can’t,
The truth is that you can
Never say you’re lonely, or unhappy,
The truth is I am with you and we’re happy together
Never say never,
Anything is possible.​

Thank you, mother, for giving me life; I am eternally grateful for this blessing. I love you with all my heart and nothing will ever change that.
-Your beloved son, [*edit* BeastofBurden].​

The content of this letter could be the reason I'm here today; psychedelics are potentially the greatest medicine for the body, mind and spirit. I have much to learn, being 20 years old, I have a weak mind but my will is strong. One day I may relive and relieve these painful memories through Ayahuasca. I’ll be sure to report then. But as for our relationship, I will let you know what happens between my mother and me when I see her.
Questions, comments, and criticism are all welcome. I’m aware I may’ve been harsh, but all I can say is this: When it comes to the truth, I find the most hurtful things to be the most helpful things.

 

[Phantastica]

thank you for sharing
consciousness will flow in the direction it wishes; hope your relationship with your mom continues to heal

Peace, and Love

 

[BeastofBurden]

Thank you for your kind words
While I wasn't anywhere near hyperspace, I'm still glad to have finally been acquainted with aya. SWIM's got an order of Mimosa on the way to add to the remaining 100g caapi meaning soon I will have a worthy experience to report. +I'm still waiting on the retreat to end.

 

[open'nheart]

thanks for sharing that beastofburden. I understand how difficult this sort of conversation can be with our loved ones, and respect the work your doing. By engaging in self healing your are healing your family as well. respect.

I feel Ayahuasca to be a great healer on the planet at this time... the ripple effect from a single individuals journey is far reaching. We all stand to benefit from the healing work you do in your personal life.

I connect with your story a lot. I was able to have a similar conversation with my own mother 2 years ago when I came back from Peru after a handful of ceremonies. Of course she was curious to know what I had been up to in my travels. It was an appropriate opportunity to speak to my own healing work and my experiences with ayahuasca. Our relationship has never been the same since.

cheers friend.

 

[BeastofBurden]

Hello again, Nexians. I got a chance to visit my mom last night. I was anticipating a new "her" and that is exactly what I found. She told me all about the amazement she had on her trip, of all the people there who were in full support of her life (gotta love christians; they mean well). I asked her if she felt the changes would be everlasting. She enthusiastically replied with a great, big YES. She told me my letter was very touching (I'm glad she could handle it :d ) Then she finally explained that she feels her life is in God's hands now and that she's never felt better.

Two more "I love you"s later, and I sensed our relationship is back on track. I expect my hyperspace journeys will be that much more meaningful now that I can easily tell my mother I love her. Very soon, I will come back with a true hyperspace story and not just a letter. Bare with me.

By engaging in self healing your are healing your family as well.

This is so true. Thank YOU for sharing

 

[epiphany_awakening]

Dear BeastofBurden,

I can see exactly where youre coming from when it comes to how bad problems with mothers can be. Im currently still at logerheads with my mother as I think that after she left me with my father in a different country so she could continue her marvellous life she had in perfect isolation with her partner. This slowly destroyed me from the inside out until it was very apparent on the outside that I was very unhappy. Drug use tortured me and isolation brought me down to something I never thought I was going to be. I was caught in the realm of titans in the wheel of life. Unhappiness struck to unprecedented amounts... I realize how important it is to be loved by your family to succeed in your life. To have roots is also to have the ability to grow branches and without roots.. Well, one is at a loss and grows in a writhing twisted cruel manner. This was two years ago.. Now, thanks to the plant sacrament, I have become totally ok with my past and have managed to build a future for me and my mother. She had her reasons.... De-attachement will create less suffering. To follow the eightfold path is to reduce suffering and increase universal love. Me and my mother are now best friends. It can be done. Good luck my brother.
Peace