Thank you. I have searched for a very narrow set of subjects and learned quite a lot over the last 4 weeks or so.

Have a friend who offered to come over, while that wont help with my control issues, it will with pre-flight jitters. and the guy who is advising me just say to say "Hello?" without expectation.. I think I can do that.

From everything I have read, you keep your reason, intellect and sense of self (though that transforms into a sense of all at ego death from what I could tell.

The problem is.. as far as I can tell.. I am feeling partial effects of Ego Death before I ever cross, just by mentally preparing.  Every part has been very heartbreaking.  Not in a way that is painful, but like a wife getting away from an abusive husband and she still loves him. <--horrible analogy but only one I could think of this late.

In that same analogy, the cab is waiting downstairs, I just have to have the faith in myself to step in. 

Trying to grasp "not needing to be" is ok and semi comfortable, I think I came to terms with my own death in my 30's.  Having my world shattered is much more of a journey than the fear of injury or death.  My identity is more valuable than my life.  Not sure how I know that, but it really is how I feel.