Hello everyone! I am very happy to be a part of these forums. I've been coming here and reading for quite some time and only after Saturday night I've decided to sign up. My primary reasoning is that I simply must let out all of the emotions I am going through regarding the exceptionally difficult bad trip I had over the weekend. I know that there is the questionnaire but I hope that instead this report of my experience will suffice as a valid introduction.
Let me start with a disclaimer. I was irresponsible. I did not fully respect the DMT this past weekend & I failed to listen to my inner judgement telling me that "today isn't the right day". I can say I did learn from this mistake. I won't be touching DMT for a while both because mentally I can't imagine bringing myself to do it but also because I need to take a step back in the interest of harm reduction.
To give a little background I have taken DMT a handful of times previously, all of them vaped except for one. The one oral dose that I took was 150mg with 3.5 grams of Syrian rue. This was a wonderful experience where I felt a deep inner peace, ego loss & I honestly came out of it with a greater understanding of myself and the universe. None of my vaped doses have been a breakthrough.
Since my first oral dose I have been wanting to try again with a higher dose. While the 150mg was pretty good I felt like there was much more for me to learn & experience. After doing more research I learned that it may be beneficial to take harmala extract instead of the actual crushed seeds for the MAOI. In addition my girlfriend wanted to try an oral dose with me & couldn't accept taking so many pills of Syrian Rue. I decided upon 150mg of harmala extract for myself and 200mg of DMT - what I THOUGHT was a reasonable increase. She took a much lower dose since she had never taken it orally before. The first mistake I made was not having a designated trip sitter. I never thought I needed one - I was wrong.
What follows is my account to the best that I can recall of the terrifying trip. I am not going to bother with timelines because frankly I lost all track of time. Instead I will use bullet points to illustrate at least a sense of how things flowed.
*We both took the harmala extract on an empty stomach and waited an hour. I was actually feeling quite a bit relaxed at that point and more energized than I expected. I could see that the harmala extract at 150mg was much more potent than 3.5g of the Syrian Rue seeds I took before.
*After one hour I consumed a capsule with 200mg of DMT which was quite pure. I put on my headphones with some relaxing music and laid down on my side. Only a couple of minutes passed when I started to feel a little sick but it was minor so I decided to ignore it. I closed my eyes and started to drift.
*The next thing I recall was either being covered in vomit or being in the process of vomiting. Almost as though awoken from the deepest sleep I was confused & a feeling of sheer terror took over. For some reason the thought came into my mind that I must have been choking on my vomit and died or nearly died. This thought took hold and began to morph into a darker thought, I was dying. Suddenly I could feel physical sensations that words can't comprehend and a feeling of pure primal terror. I can't explain WHY I knew that I was dying but I believed it just as sure as I believed the sky was blue. I yelled for my girlfriend who had her eyes closed listening to music. "Baby something is wrong, I'm dying." She didn't hear me. I yelled louder - "Baby I'm DYING, I AM REALLY DYING". I began to go into a full panic now. I felt myself beginning to leave my body, I was hovering behind it, almost a foot behind myself. The room went so dark that I actually forgot we were tripping in the middle of the afternoon. I kept yelling that I was dying and finally she realized I was serious.
We have discussed before that a bad trip is always possible and to never call 911 unless we are sure it's an actual emergency. In this case I was begging her to help me, telling her to call someone that I was going to die. I was yelling at this point. I can still remember the emotions I felt. I wasn't sure what happened. Was there something else in the DMT? Did the MAOI cause me a serious reaction? I didn't know. I began to fade further and further from myself. I remember telling her "sorry" because I knew that I was about to die and I felt so bad I was leaving her to deal with the mess. At that point I actually saw my own body fall to the floor and begin to have a seizure, foaming at the mouth and all.
Now I was in that cosmic darkness of my mind. What proceeded was what I have no doubt is the same feelings and emotions that happen when someone is dying in real life. I saw my life flash before my eyes. All my secrets, all the my regrets, my parents, my girlfriend, my job, it all flashed so fast.
Suddenly I was throwing up in the bathroom. I could almost feel myself rushing into my own body. I had been dead, choking to death on my own vomit and the EMT's had saved me. They were all yelling and telling me to stay with them. I felt so tired and so confused and so scared. I slipped into the darkness again. This turned out to be a hallucination and all in my head. The same thing happened 4 or 5 times with me hallucinating throwing up and coming back into myself.
Soon after this my concept of time became even more distorted as I slipped in and out of ego loss. I wasn't sure anymore if I actually told my girlfriend to call 911, if I had died, if I was dying or if I was just hallucinating all of this in my head. Multiple timelines kept occurring it was like I was experiencing multiple realities all taking place at the same time & they were all merging into one final truth. Some of these realities were realizing that I had gone to prison, that I had brain damage and would be mentally disabled, etc. I remember saying "I'm so confused" and then repeating this over and over until I was yelling it like some kind of mad man.
Soon after that I began to feel a sense of peace and a strong euphoria wash over me. I realized at this point that I am at the end of my life. I felt kind of sad but I remembered that my life insurance policy would mean my girlfriend could live a good life and I was okay with that.
The next thing I remember is a voice yelling "What did you take" and I looked up to see an unfamiliar face. At this point it dawned on me that my girlfriend may have actually called 911. I still believed that I was dying/dead but I wasn't about to tell them I took a schedule 1 substance so I just told them I took a MAOI. They asked me some more questions I think but I quickly fell back into darkness and don't remember anything else for a while.
After this I "woke" in a strange place that looked like some kind of mad scientists lair. A very angry old woman was in my face asking me questions about what I took. At this point I was still fading between realities and kept thinking I was back at home and then back in this strange location. Then suddenly things began to quickly clear and I realized I was in the hospital. The woman was an older nurse who was asking me the questions. The doctor also came in who was younger and wanted to know what I took. I told him that I didn't want to get into trouble with law enforcement and he told me that it was only EMT's in my apartment & this was confidential. I admitted it was DMT and he was very fascinated as he's heard about it and wanted to know what I saw/experienced.
Nothing could have ever prepared me for an experience like this. The feeling that you know your dying is really terrible when your not prepared for it. I didn't see heaven, a golden city, or any elves I just saw myself dying & the darkness that was all my own regret.
My girlfriend was also quite traumatized because she was left at home not knowing if I was okay (she didn't start tripping till the EMT's left). She did the right thing by calling 911 since the nighhbors might have heard my yells and I could have ended up with the police in my apartment instead.
Luckily she is not mad at me although she did say it better never happen again.
Anyway I regret this because I could have brought negative attention to DMT but also because I have to relive those memories forever. I feel like the memories from that night are real. They arne't like a dream but like something that actually happened, they feel that way even though I KNOW it wasn't real. Yelling that "I'M DYING BABY" in such a terrified voice will probably haunt me for a long time.
Anyway that is my story & my lesson I learned the hard way about respecting DMT.
----
This is what I later learned actually happened from my girlfriend.
1. I laid on my side and appeared to be asleep.
2. I sat up, leaned over and threw up.
3. I sort of leaned forwards (I was never standing like I thought) and then began yelling that I was dying. She tried to calm me down but I was inconsolable. She said after that I went through periods where I said "I'm okay, I'm okay" before I would go back to yelling.
4. I laid back down and then I was out. At some point she heard me say only once "I'm so confused".
5. The paramedics came and I was basically unresponsive to questions although conscious & all vital signs were stable.
6. They carted me out in the stretcher but I never threw up at all with them around or had any type of seizure.
Let me start with a disclaimer. I was irresponsible. I did not fully respect the DMT this past weekend & I failed to listen to my inner judgement telling me that "today isn't the right day". I can say I did learn from this mistake. I won't be touching DMT for a while both because mentally I can't imagine bringing myself to do it but also because I need to take a step back in the interest of harm reduction.
To give a little background I have taken DMT a handful of times previously, all of them vaped except for one. The one oral dose that I took was 150mg with 3.5 grams of Syrian rue. This was a wonderful experience where I felt a deep inner peace, ego loss & I honestly came out of it with a greater understanding of myself and the universe. None of my vaped doses have been a breakthrough.
Since my first oral dose I have been wanting to try again with a higher dose. While the 150mg was pretty good I felt like there was much more for me to learn & experience. After doing more research I learned that it may be beneficial to take harmala extract instead of the actual crushed seeds for the MAOI. In addition my girlfriend wanted to try an oral dose with me & couldn't accept taking so many pills of Syrian Rue. I decided upon 150mg of harmala extract for myself and 200mg of DMT - what I THOUGHT was a reasonable increase. She took a much lower dose since she had never taken it orally before. The first mistake I made was not having a designated trip sitter. I never thought I needed one - I was wrong.
What follows is my account to the best that I can recall of the terrifying trip. I am not going to bother with timelines because frankly I lost all track of time. Instead I will use bullet points to illustrate at least a sense of how things flowed.
*We both took the harmala extract on an empty stomach and waited an hour. I was actually feeling quite a bit relaxed at that point and more energized than I expected. I could see that the harmala extract at 150mg was much more potent than 3.5g of the Syrian Rue seeds I took before.
*After one hour I consumed a capsule with 200mg of DMT which was quite pure. I put on my headphones with some relaxing music and laid down on my side. Only a couple of minutes passed when I started to feel a little sick but it was minor so I decided to ignore it. I closed my eyes and started to drift.
*The next thing I recall was either being covered in vomit or being in the process of vomiting. Almost as though awoken from the deepest sleep I was confused & a feeling of sheer terror took over. For some reason the thought came into my mind that I must have been choking on my vomit and died or nearly died. This thought took hold and began to morph into a darker thought, I was dying. Suddenly I could feel physical sensations that words can't comprehend and a feeling of pure primal terror. I can't explain WHY I knew that I was dying but I believed it just as sure as I believed the sky was blue. I yelled for my girlfriend who had her eyes closed listening to music. "Baby something is wrong, I'm dying." She didn't hear me. I yelled louder - "Baby I'm DYING, I AM REALLY DYING". I began to go into a full panic now. I felt myself beginning to leave my body, I was hovering behind it, almost a foot behind myself. The room went so dark that I actually forgot we were tripping in the middle of the afternoon. I kept yelling that I was dying and finally she realized I was serious.
We have discussed before that a bad trip is always possible and to never call 911 unless we are sure it's an actual emergency. In this case I was begging her to help me, telling her to call someone that I was going to die. I was yelling at this point. I can still remember the emotions I felt. I wasn't sure what happened. Was there something else in the DMT? Did the MAOI cause me a serious reaction? I didn't know. I began to fade further and further from myself. I remember telling her "sorry" because I knew that I was about to die and I felt so bad I was leaving her to deal with the mess. At that point I actually saw my own body fall to the floor and begin to have a seizure, foaming at the mouth and all.
Now I was in that cosmic darkness of my mind. What proceeded was what I have no doubt is the same feelings and emotions that happen when someone is dying in real life. I saw my life flash before my eyes. All my secrets, all the my regrets, my parents, my girlfriend, my job, it all flashed so fast.
Suddenly I was throwing up in the bathroom. I could almost feel myself rushing into my own body. I had been dead, choking to death on my own vomit and the EMT's had saved me. They were all yelling and telling me to stay with them. I felt so tired and so confused and so scared. I slipped into the darkness again. This turned out to be a hallucination and all in my head. The same thing happened 4 or 5 times with me hallucinating throwing up and coming back into myself.
Soon after this my concept of time became even more distorted as I slipped in and out of ego loss. I wasn't sure anymore if I actually told my girlfriend to call 911, if I had died, if I was dying or if I was just hallucinating all of this in my head. Multiple timelines kept occurring it was like I was experiencing multiple realities all taking place at the same time & they were all merging into one final truth. Some of these realities were realizing that I had gone to prison, that I had brain damage and would be mentally disabled, etc. I remember saying "I'm so confused" and then repeating this over and over until I was yelling it like some kind of mad man.
Soon after that I began to feel a sense of peace and a strong euphoria wash over me. I realized at this point that I am at the end of my life. I felt kind of sad but I remembered that my life insurance policy would mean my girlfriend could live a good life and I was okay with that.
The next thing I remember is a voice yelling "What did you take" and I looked up to see an unfamiliar face. At this point it dawned on me that my girlfriend may have actually called 911. I still believed that I was dying/dead but I wasn't about to tell them I took a schedule 1 substance so I just told them I took a MAOI. They asked me some more questions I think but I quickly fell back into darkness and don't remember anything else for a while.
After this I "woke" in a strange place that looked like some kind of mad scientists lair. A very angry old woman was in my face asking me questions about what I took. At this point I was still fading between realities and kept thinking I was back at home and then back in this strange location. Then suddenly things began to quickly clear and I realized I was in the hospital. The woman was an older nurse who was asking me the questions. The doctor also came in who was younger and wanted to know what I took. I told him that I didn't want to get into trouble with law enforcement and he told me that it was only EMT's in my apartment & this was confidential. I admitted it was DMT and he was very fascinated as he's heard about it and wanted to know what I saw/experienced.
Nothing could have ever prepared me for an experience like this. The feeling that you know your dying is really terrible when your not prepared for it. I didn't see heaven, a golden city, or any elves I just saw myself dying & the darkness that was all my own regret.
My girlfriend was also quite traumatized because she was left at home not knowing if I was okay (she didn't start tripping till the EMT's left). She did the right thing by calling 911 since the nighhbors might have heard my yells and I could have ended up with the police in my apartment instead.
Luckily she is not mad at me although she did say it better never happen again.
Anyway I regret this because I could have brought negative attention to DMT but also because I have to relive those memories forever. I feel like the memories from that night are real. They arne't like a dream but like something that actually happened, they feel that way even though I KNOW it wasn't real. Yelling that "I'M DYING BABY" in such a terrified voice will probably haunt me for a long time.
Anyway that is my story & my lesson I learned the hard way about respecting DMT.
----
This is what I later learned actually happened from my girlfriend.
1. I laid on my side and appeared to be asleep.
2. I sat up, leaned over and threw up.
3. I sort of leaned forwards (I was never standing like I thought) and then began yelling that I was dying. She tried to calm me down but I was inconsolable. She said after that I went through periods where I said "I'm okay, I'm okay" before I would go back to yelling.
4. I laid back down and then I was out. At some point she heard me say only once "I'm so confused".
5. The paramedics came and I was basically unresponsive to questions although conscious & all vital signs were stable.
6. They carted me out in the stretcher but I never threw up at all with them around or had any type of seizure.
