As I mentioned in my introduction thread, since I was a young kid I've always faced existential issues. Coming from a Christian family, my mother would try to comfort me telling how when we die we go to heaven a join our family in a new form. I tried believing this to conceal my anguish but even this thought that we'd go to heaven forever... and ever when we die - I didn't like it. How can a consciousness live forever, how can heaven be the end?
I feel like my existential issues are what brought me to DMT - in fact it's this feeling of existential terror that allowed me to overcome the fear of taking my first ever hit of DMT. After all, so what if something happened to me, I'd eventually find my conscious again.
Last night was my second DMT experience. I still was scared to take my first hit of the night and once I finally found the courage to begin with small hits taking me to a wonderful world. I was greeted, my hand was grabbed by what I feel to be a female entity who began running showing me everything... excited to have me there. It was really nice and I soon came back to reality so excited to go back in.
The second time is always easier but still, I have fear. This time I convinced myself, longer and more hits - I have to go deeper. I still question if this was a mistake.
I have no recollection of the beginning, I wasn't as much as greeted by an entity. I "woke up". I was alone. I feel like I was in my room and it began hitting me. Existential terror. I'm alive? I'm here? How long will I be here? Is this hell? This cannot be... my goals in reality... they meant nothing. There was no point to anything. What's the point in living?
I tried opening my body's eyes but I would only reopen my eyes in this new reality.. over and over again. I kept trying to get out, it felt like I was in a cycle of waking up and learning the same horror. When I eventually regained a level of control I could open my eyes. I kept saying "I love you " to my girlfriend beside me by doing so hoping it'd snap me out of this state.
I was lucky to have her there as I regained myself, I was still tortured with this emotion. I felt ill, I was confused, I didn't know if what I woke up to was real if the desk in my room was only now rendered and this is a life that I will now begin. I didn't know where my wardrobe door, or my room's door led to. It seemed unfamiliar.
I questioned my choice of ever taking DMT, I didn't want to ever take it again.
...and now I suppose I am back to this reality. I'm happy that I didn't get stuck there forever and I do want to take a dive again but fearful of the same outcome. It's not what I wanted as an outcome, but I can't say I didn't expect something of this nature to present itself.
The existential terror I first described, this experience was exactly that but on a new scale. Perhaps I won't fall so deep into my self provoked existential terror. I'm unsure as of yet.
One thing is for sure, I don't regret taking it - no matter how hellish the experience was... I already knew.
I feel like my existential issues are what brought me to DMT - in fact it's this feeling of existential terror that allowed me to overcome the fear of taking my first ever hit of DMT. After all, so what if something happened to me, I'd eventually find my conscious again.
Last night was my second DMT experience. I still was scared to take my first hit of the night and once I finally found the courage to begin with small hits taking me to a wonderful world. I was greeted, my hand was grabbed by what I feel to be a female entity who began running showing me everything... excited to have me there. It was really nice and I soon came back to reality so excited to go back in.
The second time is always easier but still, I have fear. This time I convinced myself, longer and more hits - I have to go deeper. I still question if this was a mistake.
I have no recollection of the beginning, I wasn't as much as greeted by an entity. I "woke up". I was alone. I feel like I was in my room and it began hitting me. Existential terror. I'm alive? I'm here? How long will I be here? Is this hell? This cannot be... my goals in reality... they meant nothing. There was no point to anything. What's the point in living?
I tried opening my body's eyes but I would only reopen my eyes in this new reality.. over and over again. I kept trying to get out, it felt like I was in a cycle of waking up and learning the same horror. When I eventually regained a level of control I could open my eyes. I kept saying "I love you " to my girlfriend beside me by doing so hoping it'd snap me out of this state.
I was lucky to have her there as I regained myself, I was still tortured with this emotion. I felt ill, I was confused, I didn't know if what I woke up to was real if the desk in my room was only now rendered and this is a life that I will now begin. I didn't know where my wardrobe door, or my room's door led to. It seemed unfamiliar.
I questioned my choice of ever taking DMT, I didn't want to ever take it again.
...and now I suppose I am back to this reality. I'm happy that I didn't get stuck there forever and I do want to take a dive again but fearful of the same outcome. It's not what I wanted as an outcome, but I can't say I didn't expect something of this nature to present itself.
The existential terror I first described, this experience was exactly that but on a new scale. Perhaps I won't fall so deep into my self provoked existential terror. I'm unsure as of yet.
One thing is for sure, I don't regret taking it - no matter how hellish the experience was... I already knew.
Go in peace brotha and have no fear.
