My Painful Crisis and a Tough Decision

[joebono]

Today my mom told me that I am changing and getting weird. She’s brilliant, perceptive, and her words and advice are priceless – she doesn’t know about my psychedelic usage, although she might suspect. She said that the past few months I have turned into a radical, negative, and paranoid person. She said that I no longer appreciate my life and that I see the world, my life, and my blessings in an oddly depressed way. A mixture of reading philosophy, listening to science lectures, and my weekly psychedelic use has indeed changed me. I have racing thoughts that I identify as profound and enlightening, I experience epiphanies that I think transcend all truths and I think that I understand deep mysteries that straight society is too stupid to get. My last DMT trip had me convinced I became a god. A year ago I was an atheist.

I devour sociology, psychology, anthropology, and philosophy books and my trips seem to amplify the ideas and concepts in them. Reading this stuff is life changing on its own, but when combined with psychedelics, the material gets imprinted in my mind with unusual permanency. When the guy crashed his plane into the IRS building a few weeks ago, I read his suicide note and searched for understanding, I wanted to identify with him. I’ve been reading David Foster Wallace and identify deeply with some of his views on life, and he is the gifted writer who put a gun to his head to “kill the master.” I get it. I can relate a little too much. I am far from suicidal, the thought never crosses my mind, but I identify with radicals. I seek them out and want to learn from them. Do the radicals have the answers and straight society is deluded, or is it the other way around? Where do I fit in this and how do deal with it?

I know I am obsessed about DMT. It occupies much of my attention for most of the day, and when I am not thinking about psychedelics I am thinking about how fucked up the system is, how much my life is shaped by consumerism and materialism, and how this whole damn existence is some sort of pointless mechanistic game where I am damned to seek pleasure and avoid pain. The ironic part is that I have an intellectually stimulating and satisfying job, a great wife, all the material comforts that I ever dreamed of and I am trying to convince myself that it all sucks. My mother, father, wife and brother are like, “WTF is wrong with you!” I don’t know, but I think DMT is changing me and I am starting to think there are some dark linings in this cloud. Yes, it has turned my mind into an expansive sponge that absorbs, penetrates, questions, and ponders, but while doing that it does something else that scares me.

At what point does a person who takes psychedelics become too far out to function in society? At what point will I be unbearable to be around and people will just hate me? At what point will I fuck up my career because I defend and promote ideas that others consider radical? I feel like I have altered myself and the people who I care about the most see this change as negative. I don’t know what to do. I think the most obvious advice is to stop tripping, permanently or for a while.

 

[Ginkgo]

"It is better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness..."

Embrace life. Love everyone. They are all parts in the big game, all playing an essential part. There is nothing wrong. Everything is on track. You have seen God, and he is to be found within you. Within me. Withinity.

Let the seed you have planted grow to a full tree. Don't fertilize it too much with entheogens. Water it with your breath. Let the sun shine on it with positive thinking. Sooner than you think, your tree of spiritual life will blossom.

Love everyone and everything, for without them, the world would not be as beautiful. Yin requires Yang, Yang requires Yin. If there were no darkness, there would be no light. Last, but most important, love yourself!

 

[jamie]

yeah this is just normal..your not crazy my friend dont worry..maybe weird but thats all relative..weird to asleap people who have never peered into that great abyss.

I know exactly how you feel becasue I have had family members, girlfriends and even best friends say the exact same things to me over and over and over again..

 

[Xt]

Well said Glory. Another thing may be, if you feel at some point like you may be getting too far out. Take a rain check. This can be said for all things. Moderation.
Especially what with what your mom was saying.
Chill out, take a day off. Play soccer, hang out with buddys.
Grow some food, cook fabulous food.
Get some studying, hang out with the family.

You know man, life... the show must go on. How it does that is up to you.
Can you integrate what you've learned?
Pragmatically?
Are you willing to do so if not practically then by changing. Possibly at the extent of alienating yourself from others.
And the beautiful world around you?

Some thing about chopping wood, fetching water?

 

[jamie]

I have to disagree with you guys to a degree.. well not really disagree but play devils advocate:d

Whats too far? look at the shithole that this culture is? I take TONS of psychedelics..days and days of it and I know how that looks to some people..but I dont care, becasue I dont feel im falling in delusions that are even close to the group hallucination that is modern culture..how far do you need to go until you are crossing the line into insanity..has't our society crossed that line already? I could just as easily say that many of us are simply stepping back a bit into a mush more sane and integrated state of being comparatily..you really want to integrate into the bullshit by all means..not I though.

That said..you can still be happy..just be you and cherish the light even in the darkest of spaces..that shit is golden brother.

 

[Ginkgo]

Chill out, take a day off. Play soccer, hang out with buddys.
Grow some food, cook fabulous food.
Get some studying, hang out with the family.

Wonderful advices. It is very important to mantain a grounding when working with these sacred substances. When you see the mysteries, when you know the answer to the riddle, you can easily start flying in your everyday life. Remember that a tree has both leaves that stretch for the sun, and roots that stretch deep underground for water. A tree can not survive without roots. You are just like a tree.

There is so much hate, so much shit, so much negativity. Raise above it all. Forgive them, for they don't know better. Love them for showing you how not to be. Breathe it out. Your breath is your key to your mind. Your mind is the key to your development.

 

[OriginalFace]

Mr Glory says it best. ^

What I try is the buddhist exercise of "taking and giving":

concentrate on your breathing;

visualise inhaling the dark poisonous smoke of the world's bad karma,

then exhale pure rainbows of enlightenment to illuminate the world.



OF

 

[Xt]

Edit:

Exactly. The world is beautiful, lets live in it as best we can. That may involve some effort wheen dealing with other people, but lets do our best.

 

[Ginkgo]

I have to disagree with you guys to a degree.. well not really disagree but play devils advocate:d

Whats too far? look at the shithole that this culture is?

To look at it with hate is too far. Look at it with wonder, with interest in how people can get it all so wrong. Let me ask you this; what good does it do to focus on the negativity? Does it go away? Does it in any way subside? No, the only thing that happens is that you become obsessed with this negativity. You become the very same negativity that you hate so much. The only way to go is to focus on positivity. Be an example the human race can follow. The first step to a positive world is a positive mind.

 

[joebono]

Evening Glory: Your words are poetic and I thank you for the kind and thoughtful advice.

Xtechre: Yes! I need to spend some time doing other things and enjoying myself on something other than DMT.

Fractal Enchantment: I know where you are coming from too. Believe me, I am deeply analytical and critical of modern culture, but there are many benefits to it as well. Sometimes I think I spend too much time criticizing the way things are and forgetting how fortunate that I am. Or as my mom says, "You're shitting on everything!" I need some balance.

 

[jamie]

did you only get negativity from what I said?..

Theres a diff between being realistic about a situation and choosing to not naivly follow, and choosing negativity..be an individual..who cares if people dont like they way you see the world..they are NOT you and dont have to live your life.

 

[jamie]

This society itself isnt properly functioning so maybe something there needs to give..

 

[soulfood]

It sounds to me like it's your loved ones who need to integrate. Just make it as painless for them as possible.

That + all of the above is great advice.

 

[jamie]

Theres no point in walking around being angry all day about it..but at the same time you dont have to agree with any little bit of it if you dont want to..thats doest NOT make you a negative person. You can accept people for who and what they are weather or not you agree with it..

You walk with light brother and light goes where you go..you give light to others in place of thier shadow and they then have more light to give..thats all you can do..never let anyone else tell you to agree with their view of this place.

Everything you feel now is leading you to somewhere else..you cant see whats wrong until you first FEEL whats wrong..you cant know how to fix the machine until you watch it all break down..the light always shines the brightest from the vantage of the darkest places.

Keep your eyes foreward..keep your head up.

 

[Ginkgo]

did you only get negativity from what I said?..

Theres a diff between being realistic about a situation and choosing to not naivly follow, and choosing negativity..be an individual..who cares if people dont like they way you see the world..they are NOT you and dont have to live your life.

No, my brother, I did not only get negativity! What I got, was a wise being that know, and want others to know, but don't know how. I am truly sorry if I in any way offended you, that was never my intention. My only intention was to show you how to wake people up. I am not saying that you should not care about all the shit in the world. You should very much care. It is, however, different ways to care. You should care with forgiveness. You should care with love. They are spiritual beings lost in the woods, my friend. Don't tell them they are lost, show them the path!

 

[OriginalFace]

Don't tell them they are lost, show them the path!

Exactly. joebono, you have seen the answer, now you need to grow into a teacher.

Help repair the damaged world and bring enlightenment to all.

This is a spiritual warrior's challenge. Lottsa work

OF

 

[desiderata]

'And finally, is there really any point in understanding the true nature of reality and being an awesome spiritual warrior if, the people you love think you are insane?' - random quote from a Nexus member.

I think that part of expanding your mind and enveloping yourself in a true psychadellic experience is not putting too much stock in other people's opinions of your actions. Obviously there is a fine line between responsibly navigating hyperspace and going there too often and for the wrong reasons. Because the latter will definitely make is harder to re-integrate into reality when you come down.

Take some time off to reflect. Try and and figure out why do you really like to trip.... to escape, to expand, to have something new and fresh in life to embrace.
If your recent activity has led others to think that you are heading down a path towards negativity , then maybe it's time to re-assess.

I know from firsthand experience that one can utilize these amazing substances to help mold themselves into a brighter, more energetic and resoundingly spiritual individual.
Good luck, you'll figure this one out.

 

[jamie]

We all walk different paths..only you can find your path..not once single soul other than your own can truely lead to understanding..

You cant really "show" anyone anything when it comes to "seeing"..we all see on our own terms..all you can do is help set up the scenario for them to find that path upon which they "see" for themselves..

One you see there is no going back. Trying to exlain it to others is meaningless..never works that way..might as well do a dance and make them smile instead..thats the closet you can get them.

 

[lonewolf123]

Today my mom told me that I am changing and getting weird. She’s brilliant, perceptive, and her words and advice are priceless – she doesn’t know about my psychedelic usage, although she might suspect. She said that the past few months I have turned into a radical, negative, and paranoid person. She said that I no longer appreciate my life and that I see the world, my life, and my blessings in an oddly depressed way. A mixture of reading philosophy, listening to science lectures, and my weekly psychedelic use has indeed changed me. I have racing thoughts that I identify as profound and enlightening, I experience epiphanies that I think transcend all truths and I think that I understand deep mysteries that straight society is too stupid to get. My last DMT trip had me convinced I became a god. A year ago I was an atheist.

I devour sociology, psychology, anthropology, and philosophy books and my trips seem to amplify the ideas and concepts in them. Reading this stuff is life changing on its own, but when combined with psychedelics, the material gets imprinted in my mind with unusual permanency. When the guy crashed his plane into the IRS building a few weeks ago, I read his suicide note and searched for understanding, I wanted to identify with him. I’ve been reading David Foster Wallace and identify deeply with some of his views on life, and he is the gifted writer who put a gun to his head to “kill the master.” I get it. I can relate a little too much. I am far from suicidal, the thought never crosses my mind, but I identify with radicals. I seek them out and want to learn from them. Do the radicals have the answers and straight society is deluded, or is it the other way around? Where do I fit in this and how do deal with it?

I know I am obsessed about DMT. It occupies much of my attention for most of the day, and when I am not thinking about psychedelics I am thinking about how fucked up the system is, how much my life is shaped by consumerism and materialism, and how this whole damn existence is some sort of pointless mechanistic game where I am damned to seek pleasure and avoid pain. The ironic part is that I have an intellectually stimulating and satisfying job, a great wife, all the material comforts that I ever dreamed of and I am trying to convince myself that it all sucks. My mother, father, wife and brother are like, “WTF is wrong with you!” I don’t know, but I think DMT is changing me and I am starting to think there are some dark linings in this cloud. Yes, it has turned my mind into an expansive sponge that absorbs, penetrates, questions, and ponders, but while doing that it does something else that scares me.

At what point does a person who takes psychedelics become too far out to function in society? At what point will I be unbearable to be around and people will just hate me? At what point will I fuck up my career because I defend and promote ideas that others consider radical? I feel like I have altered myself and the people who I care about the most see this change as negative. I don’t know what to do. I think the most obvious advice is to stop tripping, permanently or for a while.

If you want to slip right back into societies thinking, than sure, quit permanently... But I know what you mean, my changes havent really seemed to bother anyone, but on many occassions I have to take a step back. I have to remember that the mass majority of people get caught up in the little things that I think the spice has, at least for me , helped to realize are in no way problems, things that need worrying, or for that matter, even things that deserve our time and attention. But remember, these matters matter to your loved ones, so take a step back, dumb yourself down for a minute, dont bring up dmt and a better way, and show your loved ones you love them

 

[Morphane]

Hi Joebono,

I'm reading Beyond Good and Evil at the moment, and am very much absorbed by the life of Nietzsche, so I can appreciate something of your condition.

My opinion is that such knowledge, though fascinating, is dangerous. It could lead one to become a recluse, or worse, someone who walks amongst the unawakened with disdain bordering on hatred. But one can also go down the path of Buddha, or Alan Watts, who are in the know, yet radiate a fascination, compassion, love and enjoyment for the game we play, and the ones in such breathtaking ignorance. Like an adult enjoys the innocence and beauty of a child or a kitten.

I don't know much, but I think once you have this knowledge, the best thing to do is forget it. This is exactly what God does, isn't it? Forgets it again and again. Why be God when you can be a lazy cat sleeping in the sun, dreaming cat dreams?

Anyway, I feel for your mother, and hope you can become grounded somehow.