New to the Nexus; hi

[risingupfromtheash]

Hello all

Found out about this place from an acquaintance, thought i’d hop on the train.

i’m neuro-divergent, not a completely inexperienced journeyer (although it’s been awhile since i’ve participated), and frankly - scared to jump back in. the only reason i’m doing so is because the only way out is through.

what i mean by that is i’ve been hibernating, so to speak; my last experience was a scary one. it literally and figuratively put me to sleep and i’ve acquiesced to the fear it instilled in me for awhile. coming back to the table now because i’ve acquiesced long enough and i need to face that fear to get where i want to be.

looking for words of encouragement or validation; is any of this familiar to anyone else? i’m scared to take the next step but im trying to be brave. can/will extrapolate more if pressed, but it’s something i have to do because i can’t stay where ive been any longer.

thanks to my acquaintance for inspiring me to act; your bloodless battles with self and my scars that pushed you away told me it’s time.

 

[Varallo]

Welcome to the Nexus,

Great to see you’ve created an account, and it’s really nice to hear that you already have some experience.

At the same time, I think an important question to ask yourself might be: Why do you want to go back? You mentioned wanting to overcome your fear, but why that specific fear? Have you had a chance to reflect on what made the experience feel so intense or frightening in the first place? And what that fear might be pointing to, underneath?

As for encouragement, I’d actually encourage you to first turn inward and ask yourself: How do I feel about this? What do I think about it? Why do I feel this way? And then, Why would I want to face that fear again?

Because its also perfectly valid saying, I tried this, it felt overwhelming, and I’m choosing to leave it behind and focus on other things in my life. It’s not inherently wrong to walk away from fear especially if it’s not something you need to confront at all.

So those are just some thoughts and questions I’d offer. In any case, a warm welcome.

 

[risingupfromtheash]

Welcome to the Nexus,

Great to see you’ve created an account, and it’s really nice to hear that you already have some experience.

At the same time, I think an important question to ask yourself might be: Why do you want to go back? You mentioned wanting to overcome your fear, but why that specific fear? Have you had a chance to reflect on what made the experience feel so intense or frightening in the first place? And what that fear might be pointing to, underneath?

As for encouragement, I’d actually encourage you to first turn inward and ask yourself: How do I feel about this? What do I think about it? Why do I feel this way? And then, Why would I want to face that fear again?

Because its also perfectly valid saying, I tried this, it felt overwhelming, and I’m choosing to leave it behind and focus on other things in my life. It’s not inherently wrong to walk away from fear especially if it’s not something you need to confront at all.

So those are just some thoughts and questions I’d offer. In any case, a warm welcome.

thank you for the thoughts, and thank you for the welcome.

the fear that consumed me, and the one i escaped (at the time) by going to sleep was the thought “i’m alone”. in an other way it kind of put me to sleep because the feeling of being alone, while it hadn’t necessarily consumed me, just became part of my psyche. in other words, it was something that haunted me from time to time and most recently it’s just something that almost *has* consumed me. stems from childhood trauma i believe, emotional neglect, not necessarily by uncaring parents, but by one who was oblivious and one who wasn’t around much (military deployment). not having many friends growing up hasn’t helped (because i was a military brat, we moved around a lot, and all during my formative years, making it hard for me to form lasting bonds with people).

being neuro-divergent also makes it hard for me to connect with people in general.

this thought of being alone, wether born from a psychedelic experience or otherwise, is just something i need to overcome/accept. being alone isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but i also accept that it’s good to have people in your life you can count on and trust; a need, one might even say.

that’s something i don’t have, and it’s become something of a problem.

my acquaintance that brought me here, i actually feel really bad, i projected loss onto them, born from ptsd after narcissistic abuse i received from an ex who discarded me, and subsequently drove the acquaintance away; we had a good amount in common and i felt a connection with them, one i seldom feel with anybody, then i trauma dumped and as stated, projected loss onto them. they did what anybody would do and hightailed it out of there.

i just can’t live like this anymore, this fear of being alone has controlled and directed my consciousness for too long and i need to take my power back, by quieting the scared emotional part of my psyche and replacing it with logic and rational thought.

so… im scared to bring a psychedelic back into the mix while also deeming it necessary. my plan is, micro-dosing lsd along with ketamine therapy i’ve been doing. ketamine is great, but its effects don’t last, hence my desire to bring lsd into the picture.

so yeah, that’s why i’m returning. the acquaintance i made, i told them of my lsd experience & fear of “i’m alone” and their words inspired me. they said they’ve had similar feelings, and for them it was character building, they’ve done bloodless battles with themselves to change their ways of thinking and that’s exactly what i need and it’s essentially what i’ve been doing with ketamine anyway, just, again, much less permanent.

thanks for reaching out, hoping to hear more from you/the community

 

[CosmicRiver]

Hi! I can relate much being neurodivergent myself and having loneliness as my deepest fear. I'm sorry i can't give you advice. The only thing i can tell you is that you have many ways to walk the path of healing and there isn't necessarily a right one

 

[Sakkadelic]

Hi risingupfromtheash,

Welcome to the nexus!

Fear of being alone is a very real and fundamental fear both in social terms and on existential/abstract levels. while it doesn't specifically induce fear in me, I do struggle with it a lot and it is at the core of my insecurities and mental distress. it is hard for me to make friends and initiate contact irl when it is all I need/want. In my experience It is very hard to actively work on that, if you're too conscious about it or have expectations it just doesn't flow well, good friendships require some sort of unspoken, incalculable, unplanned, mysterious connection just like love. so my only advice is have an open heart, be open to any and all possibilities, put yourself more out there, and be patient.

In terms of psychedelic aid I have very limited experience with LSD but I don't know if the deep introspection it induces is the most useful thing here, I am not sure a deeper understanding is the key but rather some form of letting go may be more conducive. weirdly enough LSA from HBWR seeds is what opened my heart and lead to my first love relationship.

Much Love

 

[risingupfromtheash]

thanks for the advice! yeah before i dive back into lsd i’m gonna give some san pedro a try, i’ve done peyote many years ago and i kinda want some help from the plant to give me some direction!

but actually, now that ive thought about it a bit, i did acid once more after the bad experience, a year or so later i believe! was a good time, i think i just need to focus more on healing the next time because atp i was just tryna have a good time (and did! i watched empire strikes back and man, that lightsaber duel w/ death vader was some shit to behold), but that aside my focus isn’t on the why i feel lonely, it’s about moving beyond it in spite of. it doesn’t have to be the end of the road and fear of it certainly shouldn’t control my life. but ALSO, since id be dipping my toes back in that’s why id start small and just micro-dose with ket to heal and then probably micro-dosing for work so i can socialize and remember that im not truly alone, its just a bad experience that left its mark

 

[risingupfromtheash]

Hi! I can relate much being neurodivergent myself and having loneliness as my deepest fear. I'm sorry i can't give you advice. The only thing i can tell you is that you have many ways to walk the path of healing and there isn't necessarily a right one

thank you! and hey we kin like that huh i think i just need to solidly plant myself in the now and move away from this shit i’ve been stuck in for so long. like i have times where i *am* firmly planted in the now and it’s usually great! but yeah, this other stuff is also a part of me so i know i can’t erase it per se i need to accept it without brooding on it thanks for your kind words :]

 

[CosmicRiver]

thank you! and hey we kin like that huh i think i just need to solidly plant myself in the now and move away from this shit i’ve been stuck in for so long. like i have times where i *am* firmly planted in the now and it’s usually great! but yeah, this other stuff is also a part of me so i know i can’t erase it per se i need to accept it without brooding on it thanks for your kind words :]

in the end it all comes down to self-love despite everything that's happened. having this experience is very common among neurodiverse people so don't feel alone in this

 

[doubledog]

If you are seeking some help from psychedelics, my experience is that mescaline is the substance which deals best with problems with interconnecteness to other people. Ofc, it does not mean that just taking mescaline will solve it instantly. Effort is still on you.

 

[risingupfromtheash]

If you are seeking some help from psychedelics, my experience is that mescaline is the substance which deals best with problems with interconnecteness to other people. Ofc, it does not mean that just taking mescaline will solve it instantly. Effort is still on you.

thanks for your perspective! i’ve actually got some san pedro cactus that i’m gonna take, im just looking for it to tell me what it will do then i can put in the work

 

[Skr9]

In order to live and to function in society, we must make concessions. This is inevitable. We must get along with other people to get what we want. We must be cooperative and generally be pleasant to be around. Above all, we must be able to relate to the common man.

For the intelligent person, and especially the man of genius, this is a big burden to carry. For the genius, it’s hard to relate to the common man. He will inevitably feel alone.
Therefore, it’s for the best if he learns to enjoy solitude.

But why is society so dull in the first place? Schopenhauer’s answer is elitist: because most people are dull. And it’s exactly because most people are dull, that they are driven to interaction with others. It’s as if the average person is not a full person by himself, and needs others to complete him.
The intelligent mind can occupy itself and does not need distractions or empty activity. But for the average person, this kind of activity, literally just passing the time, becomes necessary.

Nonetheless Schopenhauer also concedes that the need for solitude is directly related to age. The younger you are, the more need you have for socializing. This is also because your mind is not yet fully developed: the younger we are, the more we are like others.

The essay closes with a word of warning. Seclusion, being alone, has its drawbacks. For example, Schopenhauer notes that we become more irritable by being alone. We are more easily annoyed by minor things because we aren’t accustomed to the turmoils of regular life.

A small rock, thrown into a still lake, causes a notable disturbance. The same rock thrown into a stormy sea, not nearly as much. But this is a small price to pay for peace of mind, which we attain by removing ourselves from the stormy seas of society.

 

[risingupfromtheash]

In order to live and to function in society, we must make concessions. This is inevitable. We must get along with other people to get what we want. We must be cooperative and generally be pleasant to be around. Above all, we must be able to relate to the common man.

For the intelligent person, and especially the man of genius, this is a big burden to carry. For the genius, it’s hard to relate to the common man. He will inevitably feel alone.
Therefore, it’s for the best if he learns to enjoy solitude.

But why is society so dull in the first place? Schopenhauer’s answer is elitist: because most people are dull. And it’s exactly because most people are dull, that they are driven to interaction with others. It’s as if the average person is not a full person by himself, and needs others to complete him.
The intelligent mind can occupy itself and does not need distractions or empty activity. But for the average person, this kind of activity, literally just passing the time, becomes necessary.

Nonetheless Schopenhauer also concedes that the need for solitude is directly related to age. The younger you are, the more need you have for socializing. This is also because your mind is not yet fully developed: the younger we are, the more we are like others.

The essay closes with a word of warning. Seclusion, being alone, has its drawbacks. For example, Schopenhauer notes that we become more irritable by being alone. We are more easily annoyed by minor things because we aren’t accustomed to the turmoils of regular life.

A small rock, thrown into a still lake, causes a notable disturbance. The same rock thrown into a stormy sea, not nearly as much. But this is a small price to pay for peace of mind, which we attain by removing ourselves from the stormy seas of society.

i understand what you’re saying, but i’m no genius and im certainly not a child either, although at times i feel lost and scared like one.

my life’s been complicated. i know i deserve peace, and yet, i don’t have it. i know i need people, and yet, i don’t have anyone i want to be around.

last person i wanted to be around i drove away, not because i wanted to, but because trauma. recent abuse from a narcissist got the ball rolling, then what i can only assume is ptsd from that and this being haunted by these feelings of being alone… i projected loss onto them, basically begging them to stay when i didn’t even have them. we were still acquaintances, and im sure they ended up thinking im crazy, so that just added to feeling like absolute trash (i don’t always feel like that, but in this moment, while i sit here to reply, im with my parents who are visiting, my brother, and my niece and nephew. im super depressed and dont know why im here. that alone feeling permeates everything rn).

anyway. i don’t even know if i fully responded to what you said atp, i think i just used it as a jump-off point to vent and maybe feel better about life - i dont. at times i think the only thing that WILL make me feel better is a romantic or platonic partner i care about who also cares about me. can’t just pick them off the shelf & bring them home, so idk what to do.

at the very least, in this moment, it’s got me second guessing the plan i had to microdose acid. i think to myself “maybe im not ready yet”. idk. i’m ready for something to change tho, because life feeling this unbearable is unsustainable.

thanks for taking the time, friend

 

[Skr9]

at times i think the only thing that WILL make me feel better is a romantic or platonic partner i care about who also cares about me.

I understand how you feel. I am the same kind of person. I miss my love, and I doubt I will ever find someone like that again. But I had a chance, one chance in this life. I have just been suffering since then, and I had to get used to it. Sadly, for someone like me, it’s incredibly hard to find love and a partner. You are not alone with that. I can't be with just anyone or with some ordinary, boring person. This is why I think this world is hell. There is too much suffering here, too hard to find a match, too much cruelty and too much suffering for every living being: people, animals, fish, dolphins, etc

at the very least, in this moment, it’s got me second guessing the plan i had to microdose acid. i think to myself “maybe im not ready yet”. idk. i’m ready for something to change tho, because life feeling this unbearable is unsustainable.

Life is always going to be like this, at least in this realm. If you think microdosing will magically heal you, it won’t. It can make you more aware and sensitive, but the cruel world won’t change because of that. On the contrary, you may see even more truths about it, which can lead to more suffering, because we live in a cruel, carnivorous, crazy place full of suffering, and that is a fact. What can we do about it? I don't know. Accepting that fact seems to me like the best solution. Lying to yourself and living in illusion is the worst solution.

Microdosing and acceptance can work well together, but I would likely stick with the trips. Microdosing is like trying to walk from the US to Argentina, it's too long and too slow.

 

[risingupfromtheash]

I understand how you feel. I am the same kind of person. I miss my love, and I doubt I will ever find someone like that again. But I had a chance, one chance in this life. I have just been suffering since then, and I had to get used to it. Sadly, for someone like me, it’s incredibly hard to find love and a partner. You are not alone with that. I can't be with just anyone or with some ordinary, boring person. This is why I think this world is hell. There is too much suffering here, too hard to find a match, too much cruelty and too much suffering for every living being: people, animals, fish, dolphins, etc



Life is always going to be like this, at least in this realm. If you think microdosing will magically heal you, it won’t. It can make you more aware and sensitive, but the cruel world won’t change because of that. On the contrary, you may see even more truths about it, which can lead to more suffering, because we live in a cruel, carnivorous, crazy place full of suffering, and that is a fact. What can we do about it? I don't know. Accepting that fact seems to me like the best solution. Lying to yourself and living in illusion is the worst solution.

Microdosing and acceptance can work well together, but I would likely stick with the trips. Microdosing is like trying to walk from the US to Argentina, it's too long and too slow.

nah, i know what the world is already, there’s nothing more for me to realize about it. and i know acid won’t magically heal me; it’s a tool. a tool i sometimes think i need, which is why it’s on its way to me as we speak. micro dosing may be a slow walk but it’ll be faster than the pace im currently traveling. i’ve wasted too much time between worlds, ive let fear control me for too long. i believe the only way out is through, so i can’t be scared anymore; or at the very least, let it dictate my direction. i need to face myself, face my fears, and get myself moving away from the space i’ve been inhabiting.

thanks for engaging, friend

 

[Skr9]

i need to face myself, face my fears, and get myself moving away from the space i’ve been inhabiting.

That's what normal trips are for, but microdosing is more about preserving things to me.

 

[risingupfromtheash]

That's what normal trips are for, but microdosing is more about preserving things to me.

yeah see i’ve been doing ketamine therapy which is helpful but if i combine micro-dosing with ket i think i could make some real progress. the changes i see with ket alone would end up being more permanent which is the key here; i dont wanna keep sliding back to the bullshit

 

[CosmicRiver]

i understand what you’re saying, but i’m no genius and im certainly not a child either, although at times i feel lost and scared like one.

my life’s been complicated. i know i deserve peace, and yet, i don’t have it. i know i need people, and yet, i don’t have anyone i want to be around.

last person i wanted to be around i drove away, not because i wanted to, but because trauma. recent abuse from a narcissist got the ball rolling, then what i can only assume is ptsd from that and this being haunted by these feelings of being alone… i projected loss onto them, basically begging them to stay when i didn’t even have them. we were still acquaintances, and im sure they ended up thinking im crazy, so that just added to feeling like absolute trash (i don’t always feel like that, but in this moment, while i sit here to reply, im with my parents who are visiting, my brother, and my niece and nephew. im super depressed and dont know why im here. that alone feeling permeates everything rn).

anyway. i don’t even know if i fully responded to what you said atp, i think i just used it as a jump-off point to vent and maybe feel better about life - i dont. at times i think the only thing that WILL make me feel better is a romantic or platonic partner i care about who also cares about me. can’t just pick them off the shelf & bring them home, so idk what to do.

at the very least, in this moment, it’s got me second guessing the plan i had to microdose acid. i think to myself “maybe im not ready yet”. idk. i’m ready for something to change tho, because life feeling this unbearable is unsustainable.

Growing up in a world where most people don't function like us is very hard and that's why most of us have gone through repeated microtraumas or prolonged distress. I don't know what's your neurotype but anyway this is true for all neurodivergent people. So C-PTSD or something similar is very common and of course if we are traumatized or distressed during our childhood for most of the time we are with other people, we go into a kind of survival mode and we learn mind schemes to get through. And when we grow up, even if most of the trauma might not be there anymore, we are left with these thinking schemes, that influence our emotions and actions. That's what it's all about IMO. It's very simple and at the same time very complicated. But if you see this you can see the way out. By taking care of your mind you can reprogram these thinking schemes.

Feeling lost and scared like a child, wanting to be friends with someone who is "just" an acquaintance because we feel a connection with them, feeling like we have no place to be where we are, desiring a mutual relationship in which we can feel understood and loved. I don't know if I'm understanding correctly or if I'm projecting but IMO they are all feelings that arise from such experiences.

Ketamine and psychedelics, by their disruption of some neural networks associated with self-image and self-history, can make you realize some of these thinking schemes and even make you see how it feels like to live without them. Then you have to be able to recognize when such schemes arise in day-to-day life and then the hardest part is to convince yourself that they are just thinking schemes and that the fears that are behind them (fear of being left alone etc) are not realistic in the way you perceive them to be because they're magnified and fueled by trauma. For example some seemingly insignificant actions or words from people and such can trigger and reinforce those thinking/feeling schemes. From my experience psychedelics would stop there, meaning that they made me recognize some of these things and made me feel how life is like without them, but then after the afterglow ended I was back to normal. I tried microdosing but with DMT and it didn't work but everyone is different so I'm not saying you not to do it or to do it. But from what I know psychedelic therapy is thought to be practiced together with psychotherapy because it's hard to solve these things all by ourselves. On the other hand most mental health professionals have no experience with neurodivergent adults and the advice they give us is useless or even counterproductive. I heard from several people that they had very positive experience with EMDR therapy but I have no experience with it so I'm not here to endorse it or not. I have no qualification to give such advice.

Maybe these are all things you already know but I wanted to give as much advice as I could on this since yesterday I couldn't.