°..,+>"°-)."Non-Sens".(-°"<+,..°
Soon in the gathering the question arose. A call for the sacred tool I hadn't felt in a long time, nor that it was at my door. My mind slowly flowing, like a leaf falling from a tree and carried by the wind. I question myself. I ask the trees. They say its name, they push me toward its path. I listen but chose otherwise, I have been altered and still am, in this continuous and organic process that lead me to this moment, this music I love made of alien tongues. I can never really translate what she says, she sparks visions, stories, feeling from beyond, teachings unspeakable ...
The sun° it goes on and on, the moon* shapes itself, I walk the=soil, the stars¿ they articulate my¿experience, the' '. shadow .spreads( and I'm soaked´ in ;@dreams@, °day and *night, they seem so*°correlated, I perform<~.~>the gestures, geometrical patterns waving^through. space .,\ I /do the old in and out, from within \
nto the:/ without, the spirits_are_there ~´, I do' not'' forget them''' but sometimes + am away, less present. in .their realm, )psychic ;boundaries they ;dissolve, then #tighten, confusion let \space/ for reunion, °*connection*°, then ]seperated[, but I land on my feet-, feet~ on the ground,. head .in the clouds ´, the heart ... In three'´ days the planets'´ have aligned and my decision'´ is taken. I will >open the >>gate, let it >open me. I_ have _earned_ resolution__ and worn the rightful __knowledge, the _ _symbols___washed_over_me. I have salUted the Star TraVeller, he Īs a sėėd that danCes. I~travel~up~the~river~I~do~not~see~how~deep~my~feet~goes~in~the~darkness~of~the~night. The (moonlight (reflects (beautifully in the ((water and spreads (light (filaments that ((ondulates in (between (spaces and (((calm my ((mind.. .. .I...pass..by..the...tree.of. . .the...horned.god...he..tells..me..to..sit..on..the..roots... ...that. . .are. . .rivers,..and...I.. .do,..under ..their ...shadows, ..into ..their ...shadows.
I have all instruments, herb - spice - fire - pipe - will - care - prayer - mú - shïõń - flihfehn - urûhnir - sâg - ùdá. I do as I should. I am impatient but still. I sit under the tree, right in the moonlight. Some obstacle arises but resolve. I present myself and try to feel fully my journey one last time ... I spark the flame, inhale ... It ...
o
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> > >. .< < <
_- -_
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> > >. .< < <
_- -_
°
Have I fulfilled my quest? I have but fragments of a reality I cannot remember for it is beyond conception, my thoughts are here but I was gone, dissolved, extracted and reconstructed but without a clear revelation. No sense of purpose. I am left in awe and estrangement, already I seek to return and explore but I temper myself. Integration is key. But how give meaning to something that is beyond meaning? It's, ,beyond°º conceptionº´. °Something, 'ºentirelyº°else°º°... Words they fall so short, I could tell of some of what happened, how the unfathomable vibration went through me and awoke an ancestral everlasting presence, but then ... I just sāt and breãth. Being was such a nice ståte. Here I Am. Sp(åī)ce is the Place.
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I walk slo°wly, out of ti°.me - Ríght now, lèft wrong over thęrė, somėwhėre, forgot it existed -- Learned to smi°.le over that course of ti°.me, and then it felt really nªturâl -.- I arrive in the "-.temple.-" as the ;@digital@; °|~shaman~|° _opens- 'new^ ´'gates'´ tÖ°
-.--_-´´G ;|'.--__<Oº°¿¿*~..---_^'´"´,..,,,,- Å ´ ´-_- -.-
>>> Retrospective <<<
While I have written the above sequence in a peculiar way, which I find fitting for (...), I now feel the need to take a step back and formulate observation about what happened.
This will be hazardous. I don't remember much from the "out there" sequence, flashes come back, feelings ... They spark vision, stuff I could draw, but what I can picture in my mind as a souvenir is a transcription of what I experienced and saw. So it's more a creative act - something that happened right after the experience when I started meditating - than a clear recollection. It was so out of my usual mode of consciousness that my mind couldn't fully process it, from where I stand it seems further experimentation will allow me to learn give in the experience and become more fluent as to navigate within it. It had been a long time I hadn't experienced ego death, dissolution of the self, feelings of decorporation and things way beyond words.
It seems I was confronted with a specific fear: loss of meaning, and what grows from there: the devitalization of the world, loss of touch with the subconscious forces, the spirit and dream world. The land of the mind becomes dry.
This is a direct effect of the "beyond comprehension" thing. This fear I know is inside me all to well, here I had a spin on my perception of it. While I am seeking a life with meaning and involved creative process, interaction of the psychic forces with my environment, I was exposed to an experience where I felt I could not gain understanding. There was no message .
So I made a message out of no message. I found a certain joy in it, while it contrasts quite a lot with my "normal" mode of perception, I embraced the contradiction. Even if it was so incomprehensible, the first thing I had to realize, and did, was that I absolutely needed to integrate the experience. For doing so, I sat down and meditated. My thought process was a bit jumpy and my bodily sensation still fuzzy but it went very well. While I had been freezing a bit before, I became very warm, radiating. I attained a vision (meaning strong mental image, not actual hallucination) of a tentacular totemic entity reorganizing my brain before various geometrical forms stretched out and vanished into a single horizon •
Then I was immensely peaceful ~
I was in this really soothing state of mind where I was connected to my eternal self, the core that is beyond change. Everything was flowing in and out of me, without restraint. I don't know how much is due to the Changa or the meditation, but I don't really think I can dissociate those two things now |.|
I walked back from the river onto the festival. I watch the moon and a very bright shooting star shredded the cosmos right above her. I arrived precisely for the artist I wanted to see without watching my clock - I went up the river at 21.45 and his set began at 00.30, this seems to indicate my trip lasting quite a long time. Though I can't measure the time of the peak - it was both fast and eternal - I don't see the meditation going beyond forty minutes, I walked very slowly to the stage, which might have taken a good twenty minute. This left me with an hour experience, maybe more, maybe less.
I was given Caapi resin by someone I met at the festival the day I decided to experience Changa. He told me that it would make the trip last longer and that I had to smoke it ten minutes before the spice. When I did smoke what he gave me - the resin took all the place in the pipe - I only could take one puff, then it blocked the pipe and turned to glue which I had to get out. I guess I smoked the Changa ten minutes after thereof. The hallucinations wore off very smoothly, took their time, I could not help but compare the experience to acid, so different. Yet to had journeys in the psychedelic realm helped me <
Still, the Changa got up quite fast, I blew it in one hit and had the time to think ˋis it going to ...`, then the distortion kicked in. As far as I can recall it started with blueish texture in the center of my field of vision. It was the at night, under trees and moonlight. Soon all I could see was endless ... .. No night anymore ~
I laid down on a coverture I had brought - since I had gone by foot in the river my panties were wet and I hung them to dry, so I was naked ~
I was given the Changa by a friend. He gave me a dose and told me if I smoked it all I would breakthrough. Another friend later referred to it as a "quite a healthy dose" upon seeing it. It filled the whole pipe ~
When everything became super psychedelic I was a bit freaked out. I had not experienced strong psychedelic doses since three years, though I did encounter some very unpleasant and schizophrenic realm of my own. I was exposed to pure madness, my loss of mind. My thoughts were fragmented, lost. Was I going to stay that way forever - anxiety. I had already felt like this before, I know I have to breathe _—_
"It felt like being washed by billion light years away textures (?) and being spoken to a language so foreign I can't begin ... (I repeat that all of this is a picturalisation, in a very reductive medium, to translate the EXP) - Now it felt like there was a presence, but back then it didn't really. The sound of the river was blurred and distorted while high pitched vibrations were shredding my space-time continuum. It was very much alive and organic but in an uncanny manner"
At one point I sat back, , , and then the vibration came through me :;'::•
-/¡¡¡";&3>~|^\<\*\=\>|+|>>>>|°.|>\*\>@ \* \¿\>\*\\***.?.`‘ ‘`` , .' `
It was very strong and coming from depth as beyond within, I felt like a gate. It lasted for a long time without I need to inhale again. The vibration was filling the whole place, I felt connected to some sort of ancient presence rippling through me. I also performed some gestures and archaic postures with my hands and arm.^.Somehow I associate this moment with something I felt during the DJ set, when I was attuned with the music I felt a restructuration - I have stories and symbolical steps and vision that come to me while dancing - the feeling had something similar, this birthing of energy,\º°O°º/ ‘
I have to clarify what I intended by 'normal mode of perception'. It is pretty animistic, getting in touch with the imagination, which is seen as a gate to the reality/truth of existence. The whole thing being purely subjective. ::: . Then being exposed to a realm so beyond my own perceptions was going to be shattering, it felt so "out" of me, really different from the way I am used to interact with the spirit world - It's actually something entirely else in my opinion. Though the experience was quite daunting, slightly horrific in a sense, I was somehow compelled to try again had I even not totally come back to reality. I just felt like "Leeeaaarrrnnniiinnngggg..." . I guess I could have, my friends still had more than enough, still decided otherwise - need to integrate. I now also feel when I will get to make my Changa, I will start with extremely low dosage and experiment a lot (microdosing, maintaining a specific state with multiple hits, etc) before jumping back to Hyperspace (if that was it, I don't really know)))) +
The day after was alright, but I wasn't in that special mood, pure calmness, anymore. I went with it ~
Now that I am back home, I am evolving into a new version of my self - while I was previously spending all my days in nature, blending with it, I am more in a technoid mode - I am here. It feels a bit weird and less harmonious and complete but winter is coming and it seems to me I have to flow smoothly into that state, evolve, rather than fight or repress it. I am still careful about maintaining certain parameters. It's a never-ending healing ¨¨¨
A lesson ... One teaching I came with was: in thoughts, take time to say every word, make them as heavy and anchored as possible. Another was to recall things in feelings. The instant realization, after the meditation, was that I was eternal and everything could gravitate over me, through me, my core is beyond change ò.ò-^.^-ç.@
What aaa weird thing ¤integrating an experience¤ you can't really recall*, only § feel . but eevėn that ' feeling `§` is. dīstªnt…:……:……:…:…:..:..:.:.:.::: |•
>>> End of Communication <<<
