Dr Psychonaut
Rising Star
Apologies for the long post but I feel in order for others to understand my experience I must tell the full story. I must first say that prior to this I did not believe that truly 'evil' beings existed and instead believed that beings may take on dark appearances in order to convey a message (like the wrathful deities in Buddhism - enlightened beings that take on wrathful forms to lead sentient beings to enlightenment). However a few days ago these beliefs were shattered in the DMT trip which would end all future explorations. When reading this, please reserve judgment as I have indeed learnt my lesson.
I had been more and more frequently exploring hyperspace and for about a month I had been making at least one exploration per day. Despite this I still believed I was using DMT in a responsible manner, documenting absolutely every thing I experience immediately after each trip. I realise now however that my use was indeed becoming somewhat compulsive as the desire to explore hyperspace as much as I could got stronger and stronger. I must say though that more or less all of my DMT experiences up to this point had been the most beautifully glowing and insightful psychedelic experiences I have ever had and there were no obvious messages from the spice instructing me to take a break from it. I say obvious as there this recurrent trip that I realised now was the spice’s way of telling me to take it easy.
This recurring theme occurred in the last 20 trips or so. This theme would happen in more or less the exact same manner almost every time I hit hyperspace. The full experience report of this recurring theme can be found here: Help with understanding recurring DMT trip theme. In short it happened in 4 steps that would loop for what often felt like an eternity: (1) I would be holding onto something truly beautiful that I didn't ever want to let go of (2) The loving and peaceful entities would tell me I needed to let go of this thing (3) These 'agents' and police-type beings would come from all angles trying to take this thing from me but I would never give it up (4) This thing turned from something truly beautiful into something truly repulsive and I immediately realised I had to get rid of it as quickly as possible and hide any memory of it.
In hindsight this recurring theme was both a summary of inner events that were occurring and a prophecy of events to come. I began noticing dark beings in trips, but because I read and believed that these 'dark' beings are often part of ourselves coming to the surface that we must deal with I befriended these dark beings as I felt they had something important to share with me. The following are excerpts from explorations prior to my final trip regarding these dark beings, and my way of thinking that I believe ultimately led to direct contact with the beings in my final horrific trip:
"...I remember this weird swamp-monster type being who was so dark and scary, and was throwing up this black oily sludge everywhere...."
"I think these dark places deserve just as much exploration as the brighter places"
".... I remember I was talking to these very dark beings whose body and arms were made of snakes. They would kind of draw me in with these black snake arms but were not hostile in any way and felt like they wanted to befriend me. My guardian was watching over me like a worried parent but I telepathically conveyed 'Its fine they're not as bad as they look and I wouldn't get influenced by them'...."
"I was watching familiar images/patterns of DMT hyperspace but this time there were these dark beings kind of melding their way into the trip. I didn't fight them, instead felt my being drawn into them and as they filled hyperspace I felt a kind of sexual energy continue to draw me in. I was trying to befriend these beings so as to better understand them."
"I think they most probably represented a part of myself which I need to come to grips with."
"What are these dark beings that keep trying to make their way in? They don’t seem to want to cause any harm to me and seem nice enough but they are just so dark. I do think though that just because they're dark doesn't necessarily mean they're evil"
"I envisaged this bog monster type being who was throwing up black slick all over my trousers and it was repulsive. I remember thinking ‘oh damn this dirty bog monster is here tonight, let’s call off the mission off because he’s ruining it for everyone’..."
All these experiences were still glowing and I came back feeling greatly rewarded for what I had seen, however my final experience was the most terrifying thing I could have ever imagined was possible to experience after smoking DMT. This is the report I managed to write after the feelings of panic and sheer terror had subsided:
THERE ARE SOME SERIOUSLY HOSTILE FORCES THAT ARE TRYING TO CAUSE ME GREAT HARM. What I just endured I would hope no one should ever have to endure. I was tortured and abused for eternity and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried just letting go and going with it but no matter what I did these evil forces were determined that I suffer as much as possible. This is no projection of my psyche these are seriously hostile relentlessly evil forces that take great pleasure in making others suffer. They are still trying to exert their influence on me 25 minutes after administration. This is what happened:
After taking 2 extremely large hits (dose = 45mg white DMT) I was in and there was no turning back. 'OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP! NO! NO! NO!' but I knew there was no way to end it. These evil forces rammed something repulsively horrible into my throat (imagine a hairball made of a thousand dead locusts) and I choked and gagged but it made no difference - I could feel them forcing it down harder and wanting me to suffer. I said ‘Lets stop this please I'll give you anything!’ but the intensity just got greater and greater. I tried to stop resisting and just go with it but submission made no difference. They threw me around the most horrible areas of hyperspace while beating and torturing my soul mercilessly. They kept making me choke on these horrible locusts, and I begged and pleaded for them to stop but they were truly merciless and had no desire other than to cause me as much suffering as they could. The whole experience looped, beginning with forcing this horrible thing down my throat then flinging me to hell-like environments while abusing me in ways I didn’t think possible. It looped again and again and I felt my soul get beaten and tortured for an eternity. I tried everything - resisting, submitting, crying out to guardians for help - but I was truly and utterly helpless. I kept thinking ‘there must be a meaning behind this loop’ but it just felt like mindless horrifying torture.
After what felt like lifetimes of abuse, I finally started regaining awareness of my body. I put my hands up shouting 'HAVE MERCY! HAVE MERCY!' and looked around the room frantically as I could still feel them around me. I begged them to stop but they never would. The only reason the abuse began to feel like it was coming to an end was because the DMT was wearing off. I thought how lucky I had been in my life up until this point that I had not been beaten up or hurt badly by anyone but this made up for it all. It was worse than being killed because it was endless sheer terror combined with this gagging of dead insects in my throat, and it happened over and over. I sat in my room for a long time extremely shaken up and hoping to god they didn’t come back. I got caught in another loop, this time a thought loop of thinking I wasn't yet safe and trying to work out why this happened to me. I kept muttering to myself 'there are seriously hostile forces that want to make me suffer'. I looked at my watch and only 11 minutes had passed. I immediately agreed that I will not be smoking DMT ever again. The feeling of locusts in my throat persisted for so long afterwards, and I tried to vomit as I felt this horrible dark energy inside me that I felt needed to come out. I dry heaved but didn’t feel any better and this horrible scratchy globus in my throat persisted for the rest of the evening.
MY INTERPRETATIONS:
(1) I had begun using DMT somewhat recreationally by journeying every night and this was the spices way of telling me NO MORE! Though it seems an overly harsh way of conveying this message perhaps it was the only way my stubborn self would listen. I think the recurring trip was a warning to 'let go' of this beautiful thing before it turns into something horrible and repulsive.
(2) My compulsive use of DMT drew in some dark energy as the more I journeyed the darker the places I seemed to go. Also by being as open as possible to everything I saw in hyperspace and not paying attention to my guardians I opened myself to dark beings that eventually had control of me and made me suffer.
I would love to get any advice I can into why you think this happened. Am I now safe as long as I no longer step into hyperspace ever again? Has anyone had any similar experiences with dark and hostile forces? Although I was convinced that whatever did this to me was truly evil immediately after it happened, I am now more open to the idea that it may indeed have been a wrathful deity forcing me to stop this careless use of DMT as I realise now I was becoming obsessed with hyperspace and looking for all the answers. Perhaps I needed this nudge to get back to reality as there are more important things for me to be doing here than out in hyperspace exploring.
I had been more and more frequently exploring hyperspace and for about a month I had been making at least one exploration per day. Despite this I still believed I was using DMT in a responsible manner, documenting absolutely every thing I experience immediately after each trip. I realise now however that my use was indeed becoming somewhat compulsive as the desire to explore hyperspace as much as I could got stronger and stronger. I must say though that more or less all of my DMT experiences up to this point had been the most beautifully glowing and insightful psychedelic experiences I have ever had and there were no obvious messages from the spice instructing me to take a break from it. I say obvious as there this recurrent trip that I realised now was the spice’s way of telling me to take it easy.
This recurring theme occurred in the last 20 trips or so. This theme would happen in more or less the exact same manner almost every time I hit hyperspace. The full experience report of this recurring theme can be found here: Help with understanding recurring DMT trip theme. In short it happened in 4 steps that would loop for what often felt like an eternity: (1) I would be holding onto something truly beautiful that I didn't ever want to let go of (2) The loving and peaceful entities would tell me I needed to let go of this thing (3) These 'agents' and police-type beings would come from all angles trying to take this thing from me but I would never give it up (4) This thing turned from something truly beautiful into something truly repulsive and I immediately realised I had to get rid of it as quickly as possible and hide any memory of it.
In hindsight this recurring theme was both a summary of inner events that were occurring and a prophecy of events to come. I began noticing dark beings in trips, but because I read and believed that these 'dark' beings are often part of ourselves coming to the surface that we must deal with I befriended these dark beings as I felt they had something important to share with me. The following are excerpts from explorations prior to my final trip regarding these dark beings, and my way of thinking that I believe ultimately led to direct contact with the beings in my final horrific trip:
"...I remember this weird swamp-monster type being who was so dark and scary, and was throwing up this black oily sludge everywhere...."
"I think these dark places deserve just as much exploration as the brighter places"
".... I remember I was talking to these very dark beings whose body and arms were made of snakes. They would kind of draw me in with these black snake arms but were not hostile in any way and felt like they wanted to befriend me. My guardian was watching over me like a worried parent but I telepathically conveyed 'Its fine they're not as bad as they look and I wouldn't get influenced by them'...."
"I was watching familiar images/patterns of DMT hyperspace but this time there were these dark beings kind of melding their way into the trip. I didn't fight them, instead felt my being drawn into them and as they filled hyperspace I felt a kind of sexual energy continue to draw me in. I was trying to befriend these beings so as to better understand them."
"I think they most probably represented a part of myself which I need to come to grips with."
"What are these dark beings that keep trying to make their way in? They don’t seem to want to cause any harm to me and seem nice enough but they are just so dark. I do think though that just because they're dark doesn't necessarily mean they're evil"
"I envisaged this bog monster type being who was throwing up black slick all over my trousers and it was repulsive. I remember thinking ‘oh damn this dirty bog monster is here tonight, let’s call off the mission off because he’s ruining it for everyone’..."
All these experiences were still glowing and I came back feeling greatly rewarded for what I had seen, however my final experience was the most terrifying thing I could have ever imagined was possible to experience after smoking DMT. This is the report I managed to write after the feelings of panic and sheer terror had subsided:
THERE ARE SOME SERIOUSLY HOSTILE FORCES THAT ARE TRYING TO CAUSE ME GREAT HARM. What I just endured I would hope no one should ever have to endure. I was tortured and abused for eternity and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried just letting go and going with it but no matter what I did these evil forces were determined that I suffer as much as possible. This is no projection of my psyche these are seriously hostile relentlessly evil forces that take great pleasure in making others suffer. They are still trying to exert their influence on me 25 minutes after administration. This is what happened:
After taking 2 extremely large hits (dose = 45mg white DMT) I was in and there was no turning back. 'OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP! NO! NO! NO!' but I knew there was no way to end it. These evil forces rammed something repulsively horrible into my throat (imagine a hairball made of a thousand dead locusts) and I choked and gagged but it made no difference - I could feel them forcing it down harder and wanting me to suffer. I said ‘Lets stop this please I'll give you anything!’ but the intensity just got greater and greater. I tried to stop resisting and just go with it but submission made no difference. They threw me around the most horrible areas of hyperspace while beating and torturing my soul mercilessly. They kept making me choke on these horrible locusts, and I begged and pleaded for them to stop but they were truly merciless and had no desire other than to cause me as much suffering as they could. The whole experience looped, beginning with forcing this horrible thing down my throat then flinging me to hell-like environments while abusing me in ways I didn’t think possible. It looped again and again and I felt my soul get beaten and tortured for an eternity. I tried everything - resisting, submitting, crying out to guardians for help - but I was truly and utterly helpless. I kept thinking ‘there must be a meaning behind this loop’ but it just felt like mindless horrifying torture.
After what felt like lifetimes of abuse, I finally started regaining awareness of my body. I put my hands up shouting 'HAVE MERCY! HAVE MERCY!' and looked around the room frantically as I could still feel them around me. I begged them to stop but they never would. The only reason the abuse began to feel like it was coming to an end was because the DMT was wearing off. I thought how lucky I had been in my life up until this point that I had not been beaten up or hurt badly by anyone but this made up for it all. It was worse than being killed because it was endless sheer terror combined with this gagging of dead insects in my throat, and it happened over and over. I sat in my room for a long time extremely shaken up and hoping to god they didn’t come back. I got caught in another loop, this time a thought loop of thinking I wasn't yet safe and trying to work out why this happened to me. I kept muttering to myself 'there are seriously hostile forces that want to make me suffer'. I looked at my watch and only 11 minutes had passed. I immediately agreed that I will not be smoking DMT ever again. The feeling of locusts in my throat persisted for so long afterwards, and I tried to vomit as I felt this horrible dark energy inside me that I felt needed to come out. I dry heaved but didn’t feel any better and this horrible scratchy globus in my throat persisted for the rest of the evening.
MY INTERPRETATIONS:
(1) I had begun using DMT somewhat recreationally by journeying every night and this was the spices way of telling me NO MORE! Though it seems an overly harsh way of conveying this message perhaps it was the only way my stubborn self would listen. I think the recurring trip was a warning to 'let go' of this beautiful thing before it turns into something horrible and repulsive.
(2) My compulsive use of DMT drew in some dark energy as the more I journeyed the darker the places I seemed to go. Also by being as open as possible to everything I saw in hyperspace and not paying attention to my guardians I opened myself to dark beings that eventually had control of me and made me suffer.
I would love to get any advice I can into why you think this happened. Am I now safe as long as I no longer step into hyperspace ever again? Has anyone had any similar experiences with dark and hostile forces? Although I was convinced that whatever did this to me was truly evil immediately after it happened, I am now more open to the idea that it may indeed have been a wrathful deity forcing me to stop this careless use of DMT as I realise now I was becoming obsessed with hyperspace and looking for all the answers. Perhaps I needed this nudge to get back to reality as there are more important things for me to be doing here than out in hyperspace exploring.