I was with a friend today and ended up recounting an experience I had back around 2012.. and realized I should have a proper attempt at writing it out again as it remains very important to me today. Also reading of @NeitherHere 's 5-MEO-DMT experience inspired me to do some writing (thanks!). I don't know that I'm the most coherent story teller when it comes to experiences of the beyond.. but I thought would be valuable to at least write out my emotional process as that's what stands out as memorable to me.
While the middle section of the experience is essentially transcendent of anything my mind can recollect, the emotions of the earlier and particularly the latter stages I recall fairly vividly. I think the ordeal I went through was probably the first really deep teaching I'd received in a DMT experience. Prior to this, I had plenty of fascinating encounters with intelligences of different forms, gazed at some ineffable prisms crafted to initiate my surrender, and floated through golden palaces of inexplicable beauty. Most of these experiences were sheer awe. They were all about the sheer complexity and impossibility of the space.. but I hadn't really gotten to know the experience as well as I maybe thought and maybe it hadn't gotten to know me either. After this journey the experiences began to take on a more personally oriented trajectory. The entities more or less disappeared - or at least were no longer a focal point. So it very significant to me.
The DMT in the changa was Acacia obtusifolia extract.. so thank you to the beautiful blunt leaf wattle. This trip was pretty pivotal in becoming so reverent of these trees.
Anyways.. a few friends and I had organized to have a session with this changa a friend had gifted us. We set the living room up and chatted for a bit before each having a mild dose. We were using a bong so we each took it in turns and passed it around the room. The red light was dimmed and we had candles lit. The first few hits from the bong were gentle and enjoyable.. we sat in silence; each enjoying the new look of the living room and of each other. Tribal motifs danced over the faces around the room.. imbuing an ancient presence to my friends. The rest of the party were content to leave the experience at that, but I was drawn to go deeper. So I announced that I would lay on the mattress and take a larger hit. I eyeballed a large pinch of the acacia infused herb into the bong and proceeded to gently dance the flame over the cone piece. I began to inhale gently..
As I ripped the last of the ember and held in the smoke I knew straight away I'd committed to something huge.
There was no going back.
A large plume billowed from my mouth as I exhaled, and my whole body relaxed.. falling gracefully back onto the pillow behind my head. In the cloud of smoke that continued to drift above me, a mysterious figure precipitated into my space. It dove back from whence it came, only to emerge closer to me.. it was coming from above, as if descending down to me.. weaving it's way through a colourful array of geometric clouds to get closer to me. There was a distinct traditional Amazonian look to it's appearance. It wore a feathered headrest and robes. It also held a staff. The headrest glowed with electric 'tribal' patterns. I immediately recognized this figure as the 'spirit body' of a curandero and felt that somebody on the other side of the globe had happened upon me in the space.
It felt like an honour.. my ego desperately tried to think about how amazing this was.. that I was being allowed this experience. But the being had deeper plans for me and proceeded to take me on a journey through a kind of interdimensional onion. To the very centre.
At this point I was submerged in complete white.. pulsating with repetitious, linguistic motifs. Impossibly complex images oozing through the light, like liquid filling empty pipes.. a multidimensional maze filling itself in from all angles simultaneously.
I remember being pulled through multiple layers of this space, as if towards the infinite core of an onion-like structure. With each layer passed, all that preceded it more alien and unfamiliar. Time began to dilate to the point of irrelevance. Then I'd get pulled through to the next layer.. and the next, and the next. I was straying further and further from familiarity. From any sense of who I am or was.. or what came before this. I was glimpsing at something that felt fundamental in the universe. A simple but complex truth of the fabric that holds all together. All I remember is that it made sense, yet was of complexity beyond normal scope of understanding. The true alien other.
Suddenly though, everything is interrupted. A coughing sound is entering the space.. its distinctly human. Its the sound of someone clearing their throat. They mutter something.. it comes out as pure jibberish. My ability to recognize language is completely removed. But the sound is enough to remind me that there are people around me and that I have smoked DMT. I 'realize' that this experience has been going on an awful long time... a really really long time. And somethings off. I hear them speak again to someone in the room with increasing tones of concern. This time I recognize it (well I thought I did). I hear him say to my friend "this isn't right.. he's been in there for too long".
And without further adieu, panic sets in.
I continue to hear the concerned voices of those in room, who I can only hear at this point, as my visual field is completely taken over. They're becoming increasingly worried about the length of time I've been gone for. I begin to 'realize' that I have been gone for well over an hour. I've done something wrong.. I have dosed too high.
I'm STUCK.
The elegant linguistic pulses of a moment ago became tones of sickness and evil - the brilliant white space those tones pervaded now replaced with a sickly coloured yellowy brown.. This space, liquid-like, began to ooze over me ... enveloping any skeric of prior beauty in the space. Entities are making gestures of being sick in a taunting and agressive manner.. whatever I find ugly.. well it's coming through loud and clear at this point. And it's exponential in the way it is building.. It feels... icky. Interdimensionally icky..
My mind wanders back to the idea that I had smoked too much DMT again, and a cold feeling quickly washes over me. My stomach drops with an infinity of butterflies as the notion of remaining here forever dawns on me.
I'm stuck in hyperspace.
I somehow know that I'm not dead.. because I can hear people in the room talking. And I now remember that I smoked DMT.. but it brings no comfort. I've obviously blown some receptor in my brain that separates my physical experience from this one. And this is all that remains.
Something has gone awfully wrong.. maybe my mind has some rare condition that DMT is adverse to.. and I am now to remain this way till the end of time..in this horrid, hellish vegetative state. The thought frightens me tenfold as I continue entertain the idea.
To remain in this place for the rest of my life? My body still in tact? No way to communicate with anyone? And the physical world invisible to me behind these layers of puke coloured ugliness?
How are my parents going to deal with this? They're going to have to take care of an interdimensionally debilitated mess for the rest of their now miserable lives.. barely resembling their son. They are going to be reminded every day of what I once was, by what I am now.
What an awful thing to put on them. All those close to me.
This will break their hearts, as its now breaking mine. In this silly selfish act, I will impart a wound on my loved ones that they don’t deserve. I become suspended in an ocean of deep shame, and sorrow of immense magnitude. I think about how much everyone means to me. I think about how I'll never even be able to tell them what happened. I'll never be able to speak a word to anyone ever again. It’s a truly creepy prospect to behold.. almost like someone going missing who's never been found. If I could just say one last thing to them.. but I’ve been robbed of that dignity.
I begin to ponder just how much I love everybody. All those that I have crossed paths with. Those I have shared connection with. Those I love, and those who love me. A deep sadness sets in as the magnitude of this loss becomes apparent. And I remain suspended in this sadness for some time..
….
But .. soon, within this sadness - within this deep realization of my feelings towards my loved ones - a glimmer of warmth starts to appear. A warmth comparable to being cuddled by my mother as a child. Its a deeply comforting warmth.
The ugliness of a few moments ago is suddenly becoming irrelevant.. and is being replaced by a kind of beauty. I find myself now bathing in a profound feeling of sorrowful love. It is beautiful.. and tender.. and meaningful.
"This is why you are here", I hear a voice gently say to me.
"This feeling right now is what all of this was to bring about, and what life exists for".. to love. This was not conveyed conceptually, but felt in my deepest being. The empathetic trajectory that my thoughts ended up taking had transformed the experience - and brought it full circle. Actually I don't remember if this sentiment was echoed in English, or whether it was simply felt, but I got the message loud and clear. The next utterance was spoken and was in english..
"Open your eyes.."
At this point, I had no idea I had eyes, yet they followed suit and opened effortlessly.
The room..
It was back. The dim red tones to the ceiling/walls, and the flickering candle light... exploding with brilliant displays of colour and graceful geometric form, as the potent residue of hyperspace covers every inch of the room.. the room looked so graceful.. and I felt humbled to have gone through this ordeal and come out on the other end. I felt like I had conquered a truly challenging landscape, and felt proud to be who I am.
The first thing I did was ask how long I had been gone. As usual with these sorts of reports .. "bout 5 minutes" was the answer I got.. and the magnitude of the ordeal I’d been through was not yet apparent to the others. I burst into tears and cried in front of everyone in the room for some time, embracing them and making a mess of tears on their clothing. Then I had a shower.. and it was bloody awesome.
While the middle section of the experience is essentially transcendent of anything my mind can recollect, the emotions of the earlier and particularly the latter stages I recall fairly vividly. I think the ordeal I went through was probably the first really deep teaching I'd received in a DMT experience. Prior to this, I had plenty of fascinating encounters with intelligences of different forms, gazed at some ineffable prisms crafted to initiate my surrender, and floated through golden palaces of inexplicable beauty. Most of these experiences were sheer awe. They were all about the sheer complexity and impossibility of the space.. but I hadn't really gotten to know the experience as well as I maybe thought and maybe it hadn't gotten to know me either. After this journey the experiences began to take on a more personally oriented trajectory. The entities more or less disappeared - or at least were no longer a focal point. So it very significant to me.
The DMT in the changa was Acacia obtusifolia extract.. so thank you to the beautiful blunt leaf wattle. This trip was pretty pivotal in becoming so reverent of these trees.
Anyways.. a few friends and I had organized to have a session with this changa a friend had gifted us. We set the living room up and chatted for a bit before each having a mild dose. We were using a bong so we each took it in turns and passed it around the room. The red light was dimmed and we had candles lit. The first few hits from the bong were gentle and enjoyable.. we sat in silence; each enjoying the new look of the living room and of each other. Tribal motifs danced over the faces around the room.. imbuing an ancient presence to my friends. The rest of the party were content to leave the experience at that, but I was drawn to go deeper. So I announced that I would lay on the mattress and take a larger hit. I eyeballed a large pinch of the acacia infused herb into the bong and proceeded to gently dance the flame over the cone piece. I began to inhale gently..
As I ripped the last of the ember and held in the smoke I knew straight away I'd committed to something huge.
There was no going back.
A large plume billowed from my mouth as I exhaled, and my whole body relaxed.. falling gracefully back onto the pillow behind my head. In the cloud of smoke that continued to drift above me, a mysterious figure precipitated into my space. It dove back from whence it came, only to emerge closer to me.. it was coming from above, as if descending down to me.. weaving it's way through a colourful array of geometric clouds to get closer to me. There was a distinct traditional Amazonian look to it's appearance. It wore a feathered headrest and robes. It also held a staff. The headrest glowed with electric 'tribal' patterns. I immediately recognized this figure as the 'spirit body' of a curandero and felt that somebody on the other side of the globe had happened upon me in the space.
It felt like an honour.. my ego desperately tried to think about how amazing this was.. that I was being allowed this experience. But the being had deeper plans for me and proceeded to take me on a journey through a kind of interdimensional onion. To the very centre.
At this point I was submerged in complete white.. pulsating with repetitious, linguistic motifs. Impossibly complex images oozing through the light, like liquid filling empty pipes.. a multidimensional maze filling itself in from all angles simultaneously.
I remember being pulled through multiple layers of this space, as if towards the infinite core of an onion-like structure. With each layer passed, all that preceded it more alien and unfamiliar. Time began to dilate to the point of irrelevance. Then I'd get pulled through to the next layer.. and the next, and the next. I was straying further and further from familiarity. From any sense of who I am or was.. or what came before this. I was glimpsing at something that felt fundamental in the universe. A simple but complex truth of the fabric that holds all together. All I remember is that it made sense, yet was of complexity beyond normal scope of understanding. The true alien other.
Suddenly though, everything is interrupted. A coughing sound is entering the space.. its distinctly human. Its the sound of someone clearing their throat. They mutter something.. it comes out as pure jibberish. My ability to recognize language is completely removed. But the sound is enough to remind me that there are people around me and that I have smoked DMT. I 'realize' that this experience has been going on an awful long time... a really really long time. And somethings off. I hear them speak again to someone in the room with increasing tones of concern. This time I recognize it (well I thought I did). I hear him say to my friend "this isn't right.. he's been in there for too long".
And without further adieu, panic sets in.
I continue to hear the concerned voices of those in room, who I can only hear at this point, as my visual field is completely taken over. They're becoming increasingly worried about the length of time I've been gone for. I begin to 'realize' that I have been gone for well over an hour. I've done something wrong.. I have dosed too high.
I'm STUCK.
The elegant linguistic pulses of a moment ago became tones of sickness and evil - the brilliant white space those tones pervaded now replaced with a sickly coloured yellowy brown.. This space, liquid-like, began to ooze over me ... enveloping any skeric of prior beauty in the space. Entities are making gestures of being sick in a taunting and agressive manner.. whatever I find ugly.. well it's coming through loud and clear at this point. And it's exponential in the way it is building.. It feels... icky. Interdimensionally icky..
My mind wanders back to the idea that I had smoked too much DMT again, and a cold feeling quickly washes over me. My stomach drops with an infinity of butterflies as the notion of remaining here forever dawns on me.
I'm stuck in hyperspace.
I somehow know that I'm not dead.. because I can hear people in the room talking. And I now remember that I smoked DMT.. but it brings no comfort. I've obviously blown some receptor in my brain that separates my physical experience from this one. And this is all that remains.
Something has gone awfully wrong.. maybe my mind has some rare condition that DMT is adverse to.. and I am now to remain this way till the end of time..in this horrid, hellish vegetative state. The thought frightens me tenfold as I continue entertain the idea.
To remain in this place for the rest of my life? My body still in tact? No way to communicate with anyone? And the physical world invisible to me behind these layers of puke coloured ugliness?
How are my parents going to deal with this? They're going to have to take care of an interdimensionally debilitated mess for the rest of their now miserable lives.. barely resembling their son. They are going to be reminded every day of what I once was, by what I am now.
What an awful thing to put on them. All those close to me.
This will break their hearts, as its now breaking mine. In this silly selfish act, I will impart a wound on my loved ones that they don’t deserve. I become suspended in an ocean of deep shame, and sorrow of immense magnitude. I think about how much everyone means to me. I think about how I'll never even be able to tell them what happened. I'll never be able to speak a word to anyone ever again. It’s a truly creepy prospect to behold.. almost like someone going missing who's never been found. If I could just say one last thing to them.. but I’ve been robbed of that dignity.
I begin to ponder just how much I love everybody. All those that I have crossed paths with. Those I have shared connection with. Those I love, and those who love me. A deep sadness sets in as the magnitude of this loss becomes apparent. And I remain suspended in this sadness for some time..
….
But .. soon, within this sadness - within this deep realization of my feelings towards my loved ones - a glimmer of warmth starts to appear. A warmth comparable to being cuddled by my mother as a child. Its a deeply comforting warmth.
The ugliness of a few moments ago is suddenly becoming irrelevant.. and is being replaced by a kind of beauty. I find myself now bathing in a profound feeling of sorrowful love. It is beautiful.. and tender.. and meaningful.
"This is why you are here", I hear a voice gently say to me.
"This feeling right now is what all of this was to bring about, and what life exists for".. to love. This was not conveyed conceptually, but felt in my deepest being. The empathetic trajectory that my thoughts ended up taking had transformed the experience - and brought it full circle. Actually I don't remember if this sentiment was echoed in English, or whether it was simply felt, but I got the message loud and clear. The next utterance was spoken and was in english..
"Open your eyes.."
At this point, I had no idea I had eyes, yet they followed suit and opened effortlessly.
The room..
It was back. The dim red tones to the ceiling/walls, and the flickering candle light... exploding with brilliant displays of colour and graceful geometric form, as the potent residue of hyperspace covers every inch of the room.. the room looked so graceful.. and I felt humbled to have gone through this ordeal and come out on the other end. I felt like I had conquered a truly challenging landscape, and felt proud to be who I am.
The first thing I did was ask how long I had been gone. As usual with these sorts of reports .. "bout 5 minutes" was the answer I got.. and the magnitude of the ordeal I’d been through was not yet apparent to the others. I burst into tears and cried in front of everyone in the room for some time, embracing them and making a mess of tears on their clothing. Then I had a shower.. and it was bloody awesome.
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Wow... Thank you so much, that was, so much, omg.
although I am thuroughly curious about 5meo I have no means to explore it yet
just wanted to make sure I didn't somehow mislead you or have a misunderstanding.
and awesome report