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Pain and Psilocin entities

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Rising Star

I am not against any of these emotions and feelings: Anger, frustration, hate, etc. These are part of the human experience. We are human and it is only natural and I believe sometimes even necessary to experience these. Although I still have a problem with figuring out what purpose does envy, a kind of frustration, does fulfil.

But when one looses balance and this emotions get out of control then we have a problem. Right now I have a problem with these. I feel I'm starting to loose control. Actually I know these emotions are a symptom, the problem lies deeper. It's not the first time this happens. I've had periods of my life when I felt like this. But I think I never resolved the problem in a deep meaningful way, I just postponed it, ran away from it.

We all carry a certain kind of violence within, heritage of our evolutionary circumstances, and I believe it is healthy for the mind to engage in some kind of activity where one can channel this energy. I practised Jiu Jitsu for over 3 years and this is a great vehicle for me to express this ancient instincts in a non-violent, friendly way: chocking training partners and so on. Most of the times after a training session it seemed my mind felt lighter and on my way home I would ask myself why was I so tense 4 hours ago before practise and during the day? It made no sense. Is it all just chemistry in our brains? Due to a knee surgery I had December last year, which did not correct the problem, instead in some ways made it worse, I haven't been training. I will try now in September to go back to training and see how it goes. Perhaps I'll need to adapt a style that minimizes the use of my right leg. We'll see.

I'm not violent physically, I'm too small and too coward to ever engage physically in a real situation. But I am violent in other ways. I sometimes use language in a violent way and I've been having lots of violent thoughts lately towards myself and others. Even speaking by myself a lot and cursing, self-judgement, and when it gets really bad I've been having suicidal thoughts although I do not take them seriously. I think this suicidal thoughts appear as a way for the mind to cope with the pain: as I've read somewhere else, it's comforting to think there is a way out of this pain. Regarding the language, I became aware of this after reading a book by Marshall Rosenberg: Nonviolent Communication. In it he mentions that we have been conditioned to use language in a way that is coercive and even violent. Also people generally use guilt in order to punish, coerce, control and get what they want from others. I have noticed myself doing it to my kid and others sometimes... It's not that I want to do it it's just that that's what I've learned from my own parents and friends etc when growing up, and that's what they've learned from their parents and so on. I thought that I could use this Non-violent Communication approach with my family, kid, colleagues etc, because it seemed very easy. Only later when I tried did I realise how hard it is. Reversing 30 years of language and emotional conditioning plus being able to be present and see through our own mental/emotional turmoil seems an impossible task. It's a huge wall. The emotional turmoil blinds us from seeing the truth: we are all just trying to fulfil needs. Like Marshall said, all language, words etc can be translated into 2 things: Please and Thank you.

I tried to find an answer. I rocked my boat somewhat. I've mostly tried to follow what my heart / intuition asked me during my life. I always left jobs that I could not engage anymore, rather than repress myself. I've tried different things. I engaged with a Buddhist community and became an Anagarika (kind of novice monk) for a couple of years, learning meditation, discipline etc. But I've never found anything that could satisfy me. Relationships with women are difficult. I'm not the kind of guy that women find attractive so I really struggle to get their attention and receive the affection and physical satisfaction I need. The last years the women I've crossed with have come from playing around with applications such as Tinder and so on. Feels depressing swapping pictures left and right.

I know that my inner violence and rage I've been having comes from a sort of depression and frustration. The basis for this is unmet needs. Mainly affective/emotional needs. Also due to the fact I've neglected my material needs, wealth and career, I find myself in a situation where I am living with and dependant in some ways of my mother. Living with my mother brings its own challenges, and many times she becomes a target for my anger. Also I've been working at a job for 3 years attending the public.

I find myself in a situation where I react to challenges, difficulties and minor obstacles, like my cat knocking objects over the floor, in a violent way. I find myself sometimes almost screaming with customers at my job. I might sometimes snap and scream at my kid for things like the fact that he's spending too much time playing video games with his smartphone and computer and never wants to come out of the house to do something. He's 15 now so also there's a lot of worrying about what kind of example I am setting for him and also the fact that I worry what kind of life will he be having because life is just too f**ing hostile out there. And there's so much noise/crap one needs to see through to find AT LEAST a certain peace within. I'm not sure I am conveying the right attitude, and being the right role model for him.

I had an experience with Psylocibin Mushrooms last month.
The full report is attached if you're interested.

Here is a couple of paragraphs describing a part of this trip that offered me some insight:

The most relevant part for me of this trip, was when I understood or felt or was told that I have something in me that needs to be purged. It is something that prevents me from living this life the way I want to live it. At the time it felt like an order or a desire to vomit. This understanding also came to me in visual form. It was a continuation I think of the images I saw of the Cosmic Dance that I mentioned. It’s as if one of these beings had come near me. I can’t make a very detailed description because the image was very strange and I cannot remember well. But it was not a completely separated being, it was still connected to everything else, I cannot say it had a head but it seemed that it did, although it was connected to the rest. I remember that this figure or shape stood out as if it was made up of energy bolts or lines perhaps. I remember the image of an extension, an arm and fingers or a tentacle, it was pointing and touching me in the throat. And at the time I noticed a tightness in the throat, chest pain, not physical in origin but emotional, and a bad upset stomach that was accentuated even further (it was already there due to the effect mushrooms had on my the stomach). This tightness in the throat and chest pain are common in my day to day and often end up going unnoticed. But during the trip I easily noticed and felt them. They seemed stronger especially after this entity touched my throat.

I had noticed at the time during my staying in Buddhist monasteries that I had this tightness in my throat. I noticed it a lot during meditation.
At this point I understood that this physical tightness in the throat is a manifestation of my pain that originates in the Heart, or as I recall Eckhart Tolle mentioning: the pain body. It's a kind of negative energy clot or knot that I feel I carry with me. This is common in people. It can arise from trauma, from unmet needs and the pain that comes from it, and also from the friction that our lives cause on a daily basis in our homes, jobs, the low consciousness in which we are forced to live or choose to live in order to continue to live in society etc.
This intelligence seemed to be asking me to vomit. I noticed that the tightness in the throat, the pain in the chest and at that moment the urge to vomit were connected. It was not so much the discomfort that the mushrooms provoked in the stomach. My desire to vomit was linked to this pain I carry. I felt a strong desire to expel it. I felt that it is that “pain” that limits me. It is the root of all (or perhaps almost all) my evils especially those of mental / emotional origin. But I did not feel comfortable to do this purge that was asked of me. I did not want to affect the trip that "J" was having, nor did I feel comfortable doing it since there were more people around the area. And I felt that it was not the proper place and time to do this "cure”. I did not have a guide who could understand what was happening and who could guide/help me. I also did not want to do it because if I started to vomit and freaking out, this could be misinterpreted and thought of as difficult or bad trip and I would be taken to Kosmicare on a stretcher or worse having to walk in the arms of someone all the way to Kosmicare because it was very far from where we were.

I have often read travel reports with Ayahuasca, and I also remember a girl I met “Isa” and also another friend “Hel”, mentioning this aspect in their travels with Ayahuasca: they often report that the act of vomiting brings with it a purifying effect, and that this purification brings positive long-term effects on people's lives.

I felt that this intelligence was indifferent to the fact that I postponed this "purification." As if it was conveying me that it is indifferent to do now or later and that all my fears and motives that led me to postpone it were irrelevant. I'm not sure if it came from my mind or if I was given this but I understand and imagined the consequences of spending a lifetime without going through this process of purification. I understood why so many older people are bitter and difficult and why they suffer so much in silence. I was afraid and worried about becoming one of these people someday. I do not really like this term. "Purification" looks like something heavy, New Age, and implies that after some kind of successful ritual everything is fine. Maybe purging is a better word. A thought of mine has brought me some relief, and this one I’m sure came from me: the possibility that even though I might never undergo a purging or healing process, something that can help me is a more stoic attitude towards my own situation and accept my life and pain with my head raised and with dignity. With some affection and love for myself and understanding that Life implies suffering, that I am not special and that I have my specific burden of this life and I can accept it, love it and live it instead of rejecting it. Because in a way the notion of purge/purification can lead me to a form of hatred for myself. This pain is part of me, if I would to reject it, I would be rejecting a part of me. It may be something that needs not to be banished from me or rejected but incorporated and accepted. And I can look at my past, at my personality, with different eyes, I can love me more and then I can begin to interact with my daily life in a more positive light . Some of the teachings that made sense to me in the monasteries pointed in this direction. This possibility brought me some relief and freed me a bit from the urgency, heaviness and guilt for not having vomited or purged.

(Near the end of the trip I had an intense solipsist episode. Read the report attached if you're interested. Basically I think this Solipsist episodes come from thought loops the ego undergoes while connected to this source of information that the mushrooms provide. I felt that interaction and physical touch could help me get out of that loop.)

This acceptance and self compassion are pretty difficult for me. I know I need to change my life in order to move away from this state I find myself. I need to find a way to support myself that does not involve neither working with the public or retail. I need to get back to some form of physical exercise, if not Jiu Jitsu then something else. I need to rent an apartment for myself. Maybe by changing some of this circumstances I find myself in, then I can start to relax and care for myself better.

I feel It might be a bit difficult to start doing this. Just the thought of starting to look for a new job feels overwhelming never mind the rest.

I've been reading about microdosing and I decided I will begin doing it in a couple of weeks in the hope it might ease this inner chaos and bring about more clarity. Then I believe I can start making better decisions, at least I hope it helps me to stop doing any further damage to my mind.

Has I explained in my first post I will be using 4-ACO-DMT dissolved in a PG solution with a dropper. Because 4-ACO-DMT is converted into Psilocin after ingestion I figured it would be a good idea to try this substance first since I'm already familiar with Psilocin. Also every month or every 2 months I'm thinking of having a full trip with this substance. I'll start with 10mg and then see how it goes.

I would also like to one day have the possibility of trying Ayahuasca together with some kind of guide/shaman. Maybe that experience would offer me the possibility of undergoing that "purge" mentioned in my trip report.

I think some parts of this post might not make much sense, maybe I wrote too much, but I hope you got a good idea of what I'm trying to convey. Any feedback on what I just wrote will be appreciated.

Thank you for reading.



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goatchild said:
This acceptance and self compassion are pretty difficult for me. I know I need to change my life in order to move away from this state I find myself. I need to find a way to support myself that does not involve neither working with the public or retail. I need to get back to some form of physical exercise, if not Jiu Jitsu then something else. I need to rent an apartment for myself. Maybe by changing some of this circumstances I find myself in, then I can start to relax and care for myself better.

There's a lot of information in your post that one could respond to, so I have picked out the bit that spoke to me. Firstly though, I feel your frustration. We've all been there to some degree at some point, or will be soon enough. Take inspiration in the fact that adversity lends itself to personal growth, that without external pressures we would become lazy, inert and lifeless; you need to focus your tension productively.

You've got a good list of positive possibilities there and I'd pursue them, especially the exercise. Even doing some stretching or yoga in the evening can work wonders for releasing body tension, which in turn released the mental strain that holds it tight. Working with the public can be draining, however, having now worked a job in an environment I promised myself I would never work in I have adapted to it - the only thing that really needs changing is your thought processes;

That connects to your last sentence there, that 'maybe' changing external circumstances can help you. The real crux is your reaction to circumstances, the thought patterns, which you can learn to shift in a more positive direction despite what may be testing outer circumstances.
Hello to You.

With great things You are wrestling. Let me tell You that our negative feelings are test. It tests us to accept, it will all intensify, if You are real, to a point, where You can literally hear voice "Thats it! IM NOT taking anymore of this. Seek and destroy, get rid of the problem, I. Iam the only thing thats on the way of acceptance." Problem is that the ego cannot accept some feelings, it denies them by saying that those feelings aint what im SUPPOSED to have.

May I tell You that the feelings that we are supposed to feel are being to told to us by confused, childlike authorities. They didnt even have the IDEA of denying whats felt inside, action without conciousness is an animals deed. It happened when discomfort was felt deep inside and nobody didnt really have the guts to ride it all the way. This is too furious, too uncomfortable, for ME! Now those adultsized suitmen are fitted into pigtrain going 5km/h. They will mock anybody who goes to that grand rollercoaster of life, cause when one goes, glory's so bright that nobody notices them, in their pigtrain down there.

Wait. Wait for your part. And when opportunity arises, go all the way. Feel all the way.

With all the respect
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