so, i'm gonna chronicle the next handful of days as part of a deep chunk of work i've felt coming for a bit. starting yesterday i'm going to explore deep, ego-death journeys every day for the next week. breaking through has been a daily practice for over a year now. these deep ego-death atomic re-aligners have been coming with more and more frequency and i am coming back less and less "rocked" and more and more "clear". these guys (usually twice my normal breakthrough dose AND with a sublingual .03 dose of Caapi Copy 30 minutes prior) are MUCH more challenging to bring back. :shock:
the ego-deaths are always tougher to bring back because through the deepest, most profound part of them you are no longer an observer.... however, if i can recall one or two of the real MAJOR teachings, i am committed to writing them down the minute i get home in the hopes of sharing the wisdom and branding it deeper into my brain as well.
because i am still very much in the "both worlds" space as i write these, they may be a bit thin in terms of flow or cohesion. i apologize for that...i just want to try to get the "meat of the sandwich" out while it's hot..
WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE...
PARK DAY 2:
.03mg Caapi Copy sublingual, GVG filled with strong sativa changahuana (approx .04 spice) and .02 fresh parmesan cheese sandwiched ta boot.
woke up, had a wonderful one hour training ride with a client, intervals which always leave me extremely invigorated and positive. came home, cut open a coconut, drank it's water and ate it's flesh. i feel FANTASTIC AND ALIVE!!
one hour later weighed out the CC and put it under the tongue. went on a walk "the long way" to my beloved park and my holy liquid amber tree. arrived 30 minutes later. laid out towel, took off shoes, wiggled toes in the soft new grass, took a few minutes to say goodbye to this life and this world...
completely surrendered now and the caapi has me so filled with love i am fearless for my voyage.
torch sounds like a piece of cloth being ripped....the lung capacity of a professional endurance athlete is maximized and the entire dose is taken in one monstrous inhalation. i take off this suit and dive naked into a pool that i become a part of on entry.
no more antrocles. no more observation. no more other than the most amazing world. almost cartoon like but tangible, 3D. charicatures looked as if they were made out of shiny plastic. shiny plastic people. yellow is ALWAYS the predominant color when i go this deep. baby blues, pinks, whites and lots and lots of yellow. i am looking at a gathering of these shiny plastic "people". they are looping over and over. an old man on the verge of death, a slightly younger person, an even younger person, etc. etc. all the way down to a newborn in a crib. they are standing posed like a family portrait and all of them are opening their hands to me.
i am flying in towards their hands to see what they are "giving me" but everytime i start to get into the baby's hands the cycle loops over. like just as i'm about to find out what it is that is being "revealed", the loop starts again so it's like this continual zooming in on this cycle of birth to death that just repeats over and over and over.....FOREVER. :SHOCK:
i'm not scared, i'm not...anything. the message is being made clear that there is no beginning and no end. the forward sensation....this feeling of hurtling forward through this repeating process is almost soothing to me. through every part of the cycle...in every lifetime...the "gift" is me. what is always being given...is...me.
i'm still dead. there is no part of me that can observe...i am just a part of this flow that is so tremendous and awesome. this is no "hallucination"....not any more than this world we live in is a hallucination. it reminds me of a quote i just read in THE QUOTE ROOM:
"are you a human being having a spiritual experience or a spiritual being having a human experience?"
i am quite positive i am the latter.
a sea of faces is scattered out now and there are more faces than there are currently people in this world. it's like an amassing of all the faces of all beings over all lifetimes. it is infinite and yet i can see them all at once. i see MY face in this vast universe of identities and immediately feel a warmth and familiarity with this blue-eyed, mustached, wizard-looking structure. i love this face...but not the face....i love the "me" behind this face...
like a curtain falling down on top of a stage actor, i feel a powerful (albeit loving) presence envelope me. the message is poured like colored dye into the water. the water that i am turns a new, peach-colored hue and this color is information more complete than all of our senses MAXIMIZED could relate to our mind.
"you must feel this level of love, familiarity and recognition in ALL of these faces. don't buy into the illusion that this one face is YOU. you are ALL of these faces....all of these lives...all of these "selves". there is no difference between any of these."
a black man's face is regarded for a moment and an entire life passes through me. childhood, young adult, parenthood, old age, illness, death...a woman's face.....the same....
every face had a life and that life was mine. there was no separation.
so much more wisdom poured into me and i lay in the dappled sunlight for almost an entire hour before finally opening my eyes. a voice told me, "you want to walk in both worlds? you want to know what that is truly like? go now and feel what it is truly like then.."
almost like a robot i arose, opened my eyes, mechanically folded my towel and put it in my bag, put on my shoes, stood up....there was only one thing i was not clear on.
i had no idea who i was. :shock:
i honestly had no identity. i walked through the park as if i had never been to it before. everything was new and i found myself staring at things for eternities whilest slowly, meditatively walking along. like a strong mushroom journey...each step came with a new, profound epiphany and i made no attempt to "file anything away" or "hold onto that one"...because....well....i had no idea who would be doing the "holding on".
for 15 solid minutes i was NOMAN. i had amazing connections with smiles and nods of hello with every person i passed. i felt so connected. i even had a momentary exchange of words with a mexican man in the most fluent spanish i've ever heard come out of my mouth. i knew what he was going to say before he said it. i knew what his response would be to what i said back. there was no past, no future and yet.....there was a "knowing" that existed in "the now" that was almost as if i was making it happen as it went along. as if my very thoughts were being made manifest in "real time".
after 15 minutes i re-cognized my world. it was actually a sad moment. i found myself desperately wanting to hold on to that sacred presence i was so blessed to have known. the utter bliss and "lightness" of having no identity....it was like i had the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. as if the actual "weight" of the world was what we gave to it in our identifying with it as real...
the sativa was helping me feel connected with what i just went through but the most "divine connection" was now retracted and i was left with a gratitude and a appreciation that only death could mine out of me.
this was profound and i will revisit this depth of exploration again tomorrow. i have a strong feeling that by week's end i may be made out of a different material...
WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!
the ego-deaths are always tougher to bring back because through the deepest, most profound part of them you are no longer an observer.... however, if i can recall one or two of the real MAJOR teachings, i am committed to writing them down the minute i get home in the hopes of sharing the wisdom and branding it deeper into my brain as well.
because i am still very much in the "both worlds" space as i write these, they may be a bit thin in terms of flow or cohesion. i apologize for that...i just want to try to get the "meat of the sandwich" out while it's hot..
WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE...
PARK DAY 2:
.03mg Caapi Copy sublingual, GVG filled with strong sativa changahuana (approx .04 spice) and .02 fresh parmesan cheese sandwiched ta boot.
woke up, had a wonderful one hour training ride with a client, intervals which always leave me extremely invigorated and positive. came home, cut open a coconut, drank it's water and ate it's flesh. i feel FANTASTIC AND ALIVE!!
one hour later weighed out the CC and put it under the tongue. went on a walk "the long way" to my beloved park and my holy liquid amber tree. arrived 30 minutes later. laid out towel, took off shoes, wiggled toes in the soft new grass, took a few minutes to say goodbye to this life and this world...
completely surrendered now and the caapi has me so filled with love i am fearless for my voyage.
torch sounds like a piece of cloth being ripped....the lung capacity of a professional endurance athlete is maximized and the entire dose is taken in one monstrous inhalation. i take off this suit and dive naked into a pool that i become a part of on entry.
no more antrocles. no more observation. no more other than the most amazing world. almost cartoon like but tangible, 3D. charicatures looked as if they were made out of shiny plastic. shiny plastic people. yellow is ALWAYS the predominant color when i go this deep. baby blues, pinks, whites and lots and lots of yellow. i am looking at a gathering of these shiny plastic "people". they are looping over and over. an old man on the verge of death, a slightly younger person, an even younger person, etc. etc. all the way down to a newborn in a crib. they are standing posed like a family portrait and all of them are opening their hands to me.
i am flying in towards their hands to see what they are "giving me" but everytime i start to get into the baby's hands the cycle loops over. like just as i'm about to find out what it is that is being "revealed", the loop starts again so it's like this continual zooming in on this cycle of birth to death that just repeats over and over and over.....FOREVER. :SHOCK:
i'm not scared, i'm not...anything. the message is being made clear that there is no beginning and no end. the forward sensation....this feeling of hurtling forward through this repeating process is almost soothing to me. through every part of the cycle...in every lifetime...the "gift" is me. what is always being given...is...me.
i'm still dead. there is no part of me that can observe...i am just a part of this flow that is so tremendous and awesome. this is no "hallucination"....not any more than this world we live in is a hallucination. it reminds me of a quote i just read in THE QUOTE ROOM:
"are you a human being having a spiritual experience or a spiritual being having a human experience?"
i am quite positive i am the latter.
a sea of faces is scattered out now and there are more faces than there are currently people in this world. it's like an amassing of all the faces of all beings over all lifetimes. it is infinite and yet i can see them all at once. i see MY face in this vast universe of identities and immediately feel a warmth and familiarity with this blue-eyed, mustached, wizard-looking structure. i love this face...but not the face....i love the "me" behind this face...
like a curtain falling down on top of a stage actor, i feel a powerful (albeit loving) presence envelope me. the message is poured like colored dye into the water. the water that i am turns a new, peach-colored hue and this color is information more complete than all of our senses MAXIMIZED could relate to our mind.
"you must feel this level of love, familiarity and recognition in ALL of these faces. don't buy into the illusion that this one face is YOU. you are ALL of these faces....all of these lives...all of these "selves". there is no difference between any of these."
a black man's face is regarded for a moment and an entire life passes through me. childhood, young adult, parenthood, old age, illness, death...a woman's face.....the same....
every face had a life and that life was mine. there was no separation.
so much more wisdom poured into me and i lay in the dappled sunlight for almost an entire hour before finally opening my eyes. a voice told me, "you want to walk in both worlds? you want to know what that is truly like? go now and feel what it is truly like then.."
almost like a robot i arose, opened my eyes, mechanically folded my towel and put it in my bag, put on my shoes, stood up....there was only one thing i was not clear on.
i had no idea who i was. :shock:
i honestly had no identity. i walked through the park as if i had never been to it before. everything was new and i found myself staring at things for eternities whilest slowly, meditatively walking along. like a strong mushroom journey...each step came with a new, profound epiphany and i made no attempt to "file anything away" or "hold onto that one"...because....well....i had no idea who would be doing the "holding on".
for 15 solid minutes i was NOMAN. i had amazing connections with smiles and nods of hello with every person i passed. i felt so connected. i even had a momentary exchange of words with a mexican man in the most fluent spanish i've ever heard come out of my mouth. i knew what he was going to say before he said it. i knew what his response would be to what i said back. there was no past, no future and yet.....there was a "knowing" that existed in "the now" that was almost as if i was making it happen as it went along. as if my very thoughts were being made manifest in "real time".
after 15 minutes i re-cognized my world. it was actually a sad moment. i found myself desperately wanting to hold on to that sacred presence i was so blessed to have known. the utter bliss and "lightness" of having no identity....it was like i had the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. as if the actual "weight" of the world was what we gave to it in our identifying with it as real...
the sativa was helping me feel connected with what i just went through but the most "divine connection" was now retracted and i was left with a gratitude and a appreciation that only death could mine out of me.
this was profound and i will revisit this depth of exploration again tomorrow. i have a strong feeling that by week's end i may be made out of a different material...
WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!
