• Members of the previous forum can retrieve their temporary password here, (login and check your PM).

Polyamory

Migrated topic.
endlessness

endlessness

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Moderator Lab expert
Who here has had experience with a non-monogamous lifestyle? Or are you against it for some reason or other?

If psychedelics dissolve barriers, I'm wondering how many people here have also experimented with dissolving barriers related to relationships. I feel that polyamory has made me learn a lot about myself and my fears, offering an amazing opportunity for personal growth. It forces one to re-assess one's possessive feelings, self-doubt, and so on.

In a previous relationship I had, I tried talking to my (then) gf when I noticed she was attracted to another guy, how I didn't own her, and how she was free to do what she wanted, as long as it wasn't behind my back and that they used condoms. She got really angry at me for even suggesting, saying how she wouldnt do it and how she wouldnt accept me doing it. Funny enough, a year later she got together with that guy behind my back and then left me for him.

Thankfully in my current relationship we can both meet others, and we are open talk about anything. It's so much nicer to be able to comment about when we're attracted to others, and share our thoughts and feelings. We haven't been with many people but whenever it happened, it served to make our bond stronger.

It definitely isn't easy though, because it's very normal to have feelings of jealousy, even if one's theoretically open. It also depends on situation, like say you are home alone and want to be with your gf, but you know she is with someone else, it's hard to work with it, the mind races to all sorts of ways, one starts wondering about it. But each couple can set their own rules, for example that they can only meet people when they are travelling separately, or some couples only do it like trios or quartets so that it's always together, etc. Each one gotta find their own way. What is yours?
 
I'm sorry to hear about your past relationship. It's a shame that people end up hurting others just because they can't be honest with themselves.

I was in a situation once where a woman and I were very interested in each other but I wasn't ready to settle down because I had never really been sexually frivolous and I wanted to get the romantic notions surrounding that lifestyle out of my system. She said she understood and told me to do whatever I needed to do to get over my insecurities, as long as I didn't let it affect my feelings for her. And it didn't. In fact, her acceptance of my [shallow] desires at that time, and her insistence that I not feel guilty about them, led me to fall in love with her because her desire to see me flourish separated her from everyone else I would end up meeting. Things ended up going sour because my playing the field bothered her more than she let on initially. I don't think I would've been so upset if the tables were turned, assuming I knew that what she felt for me wouldn't be affected by her excursions with others. I have yet to test myself in that situation though.

So, I see how such a relationship could work. It's certainly possible to love more than one person, and I think I love someone more if they are allow me to be free, ironically. There's a connection between love and freedom...I haven't quite figured it out yet.
 
I think it depends what you want in life. I have experimented with polyamory briefly, and many of my friends are really into it. For me it actually ended up seeming like more drama and work then I wanted trying to navigate all the feelings involved with that many people... I think I like polyamory more when I am not really into a "specific someone" at the moment.

Out of all my polyamorous friends I only know one couple that has made it work long-term. I actually share an anniversary with them (tomorrow!) - they were highschool sweethearts and are in their mid 60's now. They seem to make it work, but others I know havent been as successful... Seems like polyamory is hard if you really wanted to be committed with someone - other couples I have seen eventually get jealous or there is some type of drama....

For the last 5 years I have just been with my wife and I dont have any urge to change it. She is everything I need in a partner, and although both of us feel that if the other one wanted to be polyamorous we would work with it and try, neither one of us have really wanted to try. I was interested the first year we were together, but at some stage I just got so into her I didnt really think of other women anymore... Maybe we will change things in the future, but I am really happy with things as they are for now.

I do like feeling as if she trusts me enough that if I wanted to branch out she would try to be supportive... I think that might actually be a big part of why I feel I dont have to.
 
I think one problem is just how vague the term itself is. It covers several quite different relationship archetypes and so people can react to a simple misconception of what is being talked about.
For instance, on the one hand you could have polygynandry. A solid fixed relationship with a finite defined set of people who just happen to include 2+ men and 2+ women. Its like a regular marriage with double vision glasses on. Someone may have that in mind when saying polyamory but the listener may envision some opposite extreme thats more like two roommates who just run around and fuck anything thats at least a mammal.
More accurate terminology needs to enter the mainstream 😉

I've repeatedly heard monastics in my religion admit that its not inherently bad and is thus allowable.
They like to tease that jealousy is just proof that the love isnt genuine and theres too much grasping.
After all, 'if you love them you want them to be happy, so if they sleep with someone else and it makes them happy you should be thrilled, yes?' :lol:

I wouldnt be opposed to non-standard relationships but I'd be cautious just because of how messy it could get on bad days.
Imagine the times when your fighting with your husband and both your wives all at once. Or the families 8 children all having the flu and vomiting in concert :shock:
The thought makes me want to become a monk.
 
Theravada buddhist.
The precept that governs sexuality specifically says to avoid using sexuality in ways that can harm oneself or others. So if a polyamorous relationship fits that, its groovie. Same with homosexuality or anything else. Its the predictable outcomes of willful actions that matter.
 
polyamory is ok

yet personally its more cool is to be single and have sex with everyone

this way there can never be any jealousy , hang ups , drama

love is meant to be for everyone , it should not be confined and put in a cage called a relationship, even with polyamory , there is still a binding to that one person ,

be free ,
 
Here's a question, of sorts:

Have you considered running your polyamorous relationship from one side for a while? For example, your partner (or you) is allowed full freedom to enjoy other people, but the other half voluntarily abstains, and is for all essential purposes monogamous.

I would try that exercise over a decent amount of time, and then reflect over it together afterwards - what were the feelings of both parties, what were you getting / losing, on both sides. It may give a better empathetic view of the real mechanisms of a poly relationship, see what questions arise - is it less ok for one to play if the other does not, etc? Is jealousy mitigated by pleasure?

For me I think that these ventures are possible, but I'm suspect about their long-term success. I'm also curious - do you think 'love' or passion becomes watered down when it gets directed out to more than one recipient? I had friends who indulged in a fixed 3-way poly relationship, with the end result being the husband leaving his wife for their lover. Those two are still together, but funnily enough, no longer poly. In fact, I only know one poly couple who are still together (for now), most others have moved through that back into monogamy 😉

Personally I work on making a relationship with one person closer and better, and align all of my energy in that regard to just that singular relationship, but it makes polyamory no less interesting, especially when people succeed. Just not for me, I guess :)
 
True love can never be possessive. The need to possessive another is a form of violence. On the other hand, most of us will be fortunate to experience such love. And it is far more important to love than to be loved. Of this there can be no doubt.
 
I agree Auxin, that the concept of polyamory can mean many things.. I think the idea is rather to question the institution of monogamy as the one and only way, and that people can only love one person at a time.

See, people talk about how polyamory is hard and how they know people it didn't work for. But how many people do you know that had a failed monogamous relationship too? I have a hard time thinking of long term relationships of people I know where there is still fire between both and not simply a comfortably numb co-existance.

Relationships aren't easy one way or another, I think.

I've been for 4 years together with my current gf, and I'm definitely happier than I've ever been in the 5 years of the previous monogamous relationship. Of course this is not only due to polyamory, there are plenty of other factors that are much more positive in this relationship but either way, it seems to be working very well for me. In our case, we are the primary couple, and we can have other 'satellite relationships' .. Or who knows, others might even have a more significant role, but so far that's how we've been doing it.

The Hermit, it did happen to me that my gf was seeing other people while I wasn't, and it certainly made me learn a lot, made me have to deal with all my fears and insecurities. It's definitely easier when both are seeing others simultaneously, but I think it was a great learning experience and I think it made me much less prone to jealousy/attachment/fears now. I feel our relationship is much stronger by having gone through such experiences.

For those that are monogamous, I have a question.. When you are together with your partner, after the initial infatuation phase has subsided, when you see a pretty/interesting person, do you not feel attracted to that person? And I dont mean whether you want to act on those feelings, but wondering if you feel anything at all...

Personally, I definitely feel attraction to others and wonder how it would be. Each woman is a whole new universe that I wonder how it would be to explore. Of course from a practical stand point I'm not going to have a relationship with every woman I'm attracted to (also because I don't 'make a move' on every one and if I did I'd get lots of 'no's lol), but if I feel like it could somehow fit into my current life, why not? I obviously talk to my gf and we see how we all feel, the context of how we live and how exactly it would work on practice, and if it works, it works, and if not, we can learn from the experience and move on.
 
A key aspect of successful polyamory is 'compersion,' which is like the opposite of jealousy. It's being happy for someone when they have something or someone that makes them happy. In a healthy poly relationship, you are happy that your partner has other people who make them happy in addition to you.

It's not just romantic or sexual either. I try to cultivate compersion in all aspects of my life.

I know lots of poly people, and there is remarkably little drama or stress. In fact, they generally seem healthier than non-poly people, often because they have a larger support system ^_^

My partner and I have discussed polyamory a lot. We have an open relationship, and right now act as eachother's primary emotional partner, and are accepting of the possibility of other sexual partners. So far, we've never been in a situation in which one of us is emotionally invested in two people, but we've both said we'd be willing to try.

Blessings
~ND
 
Often energetic very deep personal relationships are at best without interference of the instinct for penetration.
 
I have no experience with polyamory nor have I ever met anyone who is into it. However I see no problem with open relationships or ones that have more than just two participants.

Polygamy is where I start to see more room for debate. I do find it odd that marriages in the US are restricted to two people. I have discussed at length with my friends about how future marriages may be between more than just two partners.

I am sure that conservatives here would argue that this is "not good for the children and that only nuclear families with a daddy, a mommy, and Bobby and Susie" are good for society. But let's say you had a marriage with five people, and three of those people had steady incomes. There would be two people to look after the children all day and a lot of money to go around. The five equal parents could all teach the kids a lot and relay all of their life lessons to them. The whole marriage would probably not have more than five kids (the existing ones could suffice all of the parents hopefully), so the population problem could be helped a little here too.

We have a long way to go until our society would even think of allowing this and giving these marriages legal recognition, but I believe it truly is the future. Who is the government or society to tell us who to marry first of all, and how many people to marry, especially if the children could benefit from such a wider range of allowable marriages?

The biggest issue with polygamy would come from those weird religious communities that allow men to have like 50 wives, which leaves no women for the other men in the community to marry and restricts freedoms of all the wives. But I suppose those people do what they want anyway, and their clans will die out of underpopulation or inbreeding before they can overtake any good portion of society.
 
Jees said:
Often energetic very deep personal relationships are at best without interference of the instinct for penetration.
Click to expand...
I disagree with that. Sex can be a really wonderful bonding experience - even feel sacred, at times. It's also been pretty conclusively shown to be good for your mental health.
Calling it the "instinct for penetration" doesn't do justice to the experience. I think that would be a bit like calling using psychedelics something like: "getting high."

Blessings
~ND
 
RAM said:
I am sure that conservatives here would argue that this is "not good for the children and that only nuclear families with a daddy, a mommy, and Bobby and Susie" are good for society. But let's say you had a marriage with five people, and three of those people had steady incomes. There would be two people to look after the children all day and a lot of money to go around. The five equal parents could all teach the kids a lot and relay all of their life lessons to them. The whole marriage would probably not have more than five kids (the existing ones could suffice all of the parents hopefully), so the population problem could be helped a little here too.
Click to expand...

Yes RAM! :thumb_up:
I have had identical thoughts to this for quite some time, but discussing it with those closest to me has been difficult at best. My model was 2x bi/hetero parents (biological) and 2x homo (ceremonial) that each play a different role in the child's upbringing, and all contribute to the household income be it monetary or growing food etc.
That way the children can grow up in openness and honesty, with no confusing programming that typically leads to most issues in adulthood.
 
"I know lots of poly people, and there is remarkably little drama or stress. In fact, they generally seem healthier than non-poly people, often because they have a larger support system ^_^"

Sadly, this has not been my observation. All the poly people I have met seem just as jealous, and manipulative etc as the monogamous people I have met. It's hard to generalize though, I have not known a whole lot of poly people.

I don't think I want to be anything at the moment, aside from just me. Poly, mono etc...are there really poly people and mono people?..or are there just people?
 
Nathanial.Dread said:
I disagree with that. Sex can be a really wonderful bonding experience - even feel sacred, at times. It's also been pretty conclusively shown to be good for your mental health...
Click to expand...
Yes it "can be" like that, it's also been pretty conclusively shown to induce complications of various kind. For potentials as such, I was pointing to one kind of alternative that has worked for me and very enriching, in several cases, something that is impossible to disagree with because it happens to have proven itself.
 
endlessness said:
For those that are monogamous, I have a question.. When you are together with your partner, after the initial infatuation phase has subsided, when you see a pretty/interesting person, do you not feel attracted to that person? And I dont mean whether you want to act on those feelings, but wondering if you feel anything at all...
Click to expand...

For sure. My last relationship my gf brought it up that I had a crush on another girl. I admitted after she nagged me playfully about it. She was ok with it, knowing that she could trust me and that I was hers. She felt it was normal, which I agree, and she didnt feel like there was a trust issue. I just had to agree to stop flirting with her when I was drunk 😁

It was understood that we both felt monogamous, we never brought up the idea of trying other partners out. I am sure I could use the experience to learn more about my jealous nature but I feel I am doing just fine teaching myself personal jealousy boundaries.

The thing is its not about possessiveness, at least not to me. I constantly see that thrown around as a definition of monogamy and I disagree with it. It's more like when 2 people are super best friends (platonic) and they spend more time with each other than their other friends. I have experienced that with many different people, like platonic polygamy you could call it.

I dont get jealous when I see my best friend spending time with others, or if he does something without inviting me. I know that we share a certain strong connection and enjoy it while it happens. Some people jokingly call it a bromance, and basically thats exactly what it is in a way. Thats how I look at my monogamous relationships. The only difference between a bromance and a monogamous relationship is sex but I still see it the same.

Hopefully I explained that properly.
 
Back
Top Bottom