question about ego death...

[I am.]

ok. so, i experienced ego death for the first time this weekend. it was terrifying until it was over, then it was sooo peaceful. got a question: i've been peeling my onion for years now. why did i just now experience ego death? i've taken large doses before. i've eaten quite a number of psychedelics. i know that the ego is the conscious mind. seems to me that ego death is the complete disolving of the conscious mind so that one can accept the truth. i've had some things occur in my past that forced me into psychological evaluations. i've had my head shaved and been forced to wear a rubber cap with electrical probes to read brain activity. been issued an intense (2 day) IQ test from a certified psychologist. ink blot tests. personality tests. all that jazz. well, my IQ places me in the 90th percentile. i let my mind wander pretty far completely sober. i've had thoughts about life being a dream since i was a little boy. seriously. could it be that my conscious mind is open and expansive enough for me to have learned a lot from hallucinogens without having my ego destroyed? i've no idea. i could be as far from right as possible. just wondering. can anyone shed any light on this? strange to me that i've eaten so many weird drugs and have been doing it for so long to have never undergone this brilliantly refreshing experience. any advice would be great. i know that no matter how intelligent i am, this is was beyond my understanding. just wondering if anyojne out there could tell me why it's taken me so long...thanks...

 

[biopsylo]

i have only experienced ego death on salvia. (20-40x) at least once it was terrifying. i just had this feeling that i was being reduced into tiny droplets in a larger fabric or something, and if i forgot who i was, then i would cease to exist as i had before.

what substance caused ego death for you?

 

[jbark]

The question is a little vague. I will assume you mean DMT only, and consequently responded 1 month. If I include all other hallucinogens, it's more like 12 years... Perhaps a scale of # of times becoming # of months or years might be more useful...

JBArk

PS - my first was with salvia. then a year later, after several salvia deaths, i had my first one on my 4th DMT trip.

 

[actualfactual]

Just my opinion, but I think if you ever aim for ego death it is less likely to come -- wanting to kill your ego is still a function of the ego (oddly enough)

I think it is best to go into psychedelics with an open mind and you take from it what you can, but when you are seeking something in particular you are unlikely to get it.

As for how long it took me, over 10 years of psychedelic use -- less then 1 month of DMT use.

Best of luck in your journeys

 

[I am.]

Just my opinion, but I think if you ever aim for ego death it is less likely to come -- wanting to kill your ego is still a function of the ego (oddly enough)

I think it is best to go into psychedelics with an open mind and you take from it what you can, but when you are seeking something in particular you are unlikely to get it.

i've never really aimed for it. i've flipped my shit a couple times. lost control of my mind for hours at a time. been taken for some rough rides and shown some beautiful things but had never experienced ego death. never really thought much about it. this trip, i kept telling myself "just dissolve" for some reason. i wasn't going for ego death. something just told me the darkness was coming and to get ready.
here's what it was like:

my girlfriend (who is very new to any psychedelics) and i dosed and felt a huge sexual energy coming that we've felt coming over the past couple trips but seemed to have been avoiding for some reason. tonight, we let go. completely transcendental sex. i mean we created another galaxy kinda sex. first time i'd ever been able to bring myself to have sex on LSD. well, we smoked a bowl and started thinking of what to do now. i felt fear coming on from a distance and knew that i needed to get ready for it. this was it. no more running. the fangs were gonna bite me.

turned off the lights, went to the bedroom. made sure dogs were ok. turned off all the lights in the room, except a small light on her night stand. turned off all the music. told her this is gonna get weird, please don't be scared but i need you (which would normally freak her out cuz she looks to me for strength) and she didn't even talk. she just laid on me. held me close. and then the darkness grew...

i saw this huge black face poke out of nowhere but i wasn't afraid. it was as though i knew what was going on and just needed to watch. this huge face was like a 3D liquid form. basically, a blank face in the heavens. then, all of the sudden i saw all of my lies, my truths, all of my feelings, every thought i've ever thought i've ever had, everyone i've ever hurt, everyone who's ever hurt me. all of my fears. my pain. my resentment. my secrets. my insecurities. my failures. my triumphs. my joys. my dog. my reputations. everything that is me...ergo my EGO, apply itself to this face. so it was this huge face of everything that is ME. each pore was an entirely different aspect of all that is me. then, i watched each little picture fall off, until the face left was my girlfriend's. i knew then that she was gonna be my guide on this one. well, at least her presence in my subconscious would be my guide. it got really dark.

it was at that point i started falling down a long, dark tunnel. into places that i knew were mine but had never seen before because i was afraid of the darkness inside of me. well, i was the force driving this light down this dark shaft and my girlfriend was the light to show me to walls and rooms as i went down. i expected to see demons and fears and repressed memories that were waiting to jump out and attack me. nope. all cobwebbs and empty shelves (literally what i saw). everything i've been afraid of...it was all in my head. there is no fear. only nothing. i felt relieved but knew the journey wasn't over.

the tunnel got more and more narrow and the light started to burn out. instead of becoming fearful, i just shot down even harder. i knew i needed to hit the iron bottom of my existence. all the while, my girl was still holding me, completely calm but having no idea what i was going through but knew that she just needed to hold me. as soon as i hit bottom, i heard a "ping" noise. like i dropped a lead ball down a never ending dark abyss and was there to hear it hit the lead bottom.

 

[I am.]

what substance caused ego death for you?

lsd. not sure dosage (as far as microns). was only two hits. i've taken double digit hits before and never had it. i've done salvia, lsd, mushrooms, dmt, mescaline, katemine (and God knows what else). everything teaches me something. God...ketamine (IM) will rock your world!

 

[I am.]

The question is a little vague. I will assume you mean DMT only, and consequently responded 1 month. If I include all other hallucinogens, it's more like 12 years... Perhaps a scale of 3 of times becoming # of months or years might be more useful...

JBArk

PS - my first was with salvia. then a year later, after several salvia deaths, i had my first one on my 4th DMT trip.

didn't really mean a specific drug. just the first time. i've eaten a multitude of different psychedelics and never shed my ego. yeah, just in general, any substance. i will iclude more options though. i'd no idea that it was common to go this long. everyone i've asked said it occured near the beginning of their journey to the center. see. this i swhy i love the nexus! such a varied pool. i've only a handful of friends to ask about this, so my reference is limited. with y'all, i can get a better idea. it just seems like your ego melts away when it's time. there's not always a significance to it's timing, or at least not to the conscious mind. i will edit the poll to put more options, though, now that i've seen how long some have gone.

 

[olympus mon]

icekoild- good topic brother i wouldn't worry about it for a second. i think ego death is over emphasized. it subconsciously gets felt as a water mark to rate our progress in hallucinogens. it shouldn't. its not an achievement its just one aspect of altered states of reality. a really powerful one but not the whole enchilada.
if you feel ego death every time it doesn't mean you gained more than someone who has never felt ego loss.

i had ego loss about my 3rd time smoking dmt and a handful of other times since then. to be honest
they arent even the most powerful life changing journeys ive had.

 

[Apoc]

That is a very awesome experience, but doesn't sound like ego death at all. It sounds very emotional and egoic. That's not to say it isn't beautiful and powerful, just no ego death. In ego death there is no you. The first thing you say about ego death is, "it was terrifying until it was over". That's backwards.

 

[actualfactual]

I have to agree with Apoc, sounds like a wonderful experience just not what you are labeling it as.

to be honest they arent even the most powerful life changing journeys ive had.

Personally, I can't imagine anything more powerful. I went from a person who had no spiritual beliefs whatsoever to being forcibly shown that I am nothing, yet I am everything. It was a definite turning point in my life, and the most important thing that has ever happened to me.

I can see how subsequent sessions might be less dramatic, but I can't imagine what would begin to be more powerful then being shown the ultimate truth for the first time..

Struggling to experience it is counter productive though. When it happened to me, I wasn't even familiar with the concept but I started reading trying to figure out WTF had happened and I came across the term and started researching it.

Don't worry about labels, keep exploring and enjoying life and it will come to you in due time. There is no point in struggling for it, the truth is inside you and you have known it all along - you simply don't remember it

Good luck in your journeys my friend.

 

[acolon_5]

Ego death, to me, is not really over exaggerated or over rated. It is what mystics of many religions have attained (but never-ending ego death, not just 5 minutes worth).

Happened my first time on DMT, but took me years of psycadelic use before I found it. Nothing else has taken me there...

 

[I am.]

I have to agree with Apoc, sounds like a wonderful experience just not what you are labeling it as.

to be honest they arent even the most powerful life changing journeys ive had.

Personally, I can't imagine anything more powerful. I went from a person who had no spiritual beliefs whatsoever to being forcibly shown that I am nothing, yet I am everything. It was a definite turning point in my life, and the most important thing that has ever happened to me.

I can see how subsequent sessions might be less dramatic, but I can't imagine what would begin to be more powerful then being shown the ultimate truth for the first time..

Struggling to experience it is counter productive though. When it happened to me, I wasn't even familiar with the concept but I started reading trying to figure out WTF had happened and I came across the term and started researching it.

Don't worry about labels, keep exploring and enjoying life and it will come to you in due time. There is no point in struggling for it, the truth is inside you and you have known it all along - you simply don't remember it

Good luck in your journeys my friend.

i guess i haven't made myself clear, either. i am very spiritual. have an entire sleeve dedicated to jesus. not religious. never have been. i don't believe in the bible (as far as it's the truth). i found jesus in the middle of a "bad" trip years ago and he's taught me a lot. i believe that his teachings were a guide to personal happiness and fulfillment, not a guide to some mystical place in the sky. i believe it possible that jesus was an alien.

i can remember as a child having thoughts that life was just a dream. i'm very aware of the fact that i am nothing and yet everything. i only exist in this world because i choose to.

i am not struyggling to experience it. never tried to. i'm just going with the flow of my own head, but asking for others opinions. i am very self-centered (which can be good at times and bad at others). i know that i am all that will ever be.

i appreciate everyone's input and continue to ask for it. we're all in this together in that we're just trying to figure it out. a lot of the truths that i read on here that other people have come to, all the experiences, all the accounts...they're awesome. thing is, i read a lot of the stories and examine their revalations and it's thoughts and revalations that i've reached without psychedelics. i will continue to dose, probably for as long as i'm here but i also have quite a few deep moments just lost in my own thoughts, completely sober.

maybe i'm just being an arrogant ass in thinking the way i am and have a rough lesson ahead of me but i don't think that the trip is the same for any two people. if i am my own God, essentailly no one can tell me what i'm going through, have gone through or will go through. no one can tell me what ego death really is, no? if i am my own God and i am all that is...how can anyone tell me what my experience is or was? i really am not aimning to sound arrogant or degrade anyone's opnions, i just feel that it is wrong for anyone to tell me taht i didn't experience ego death or that i am wrong for feeling about my experience the way i do. if i am God...i am right, no? someone please polease please set me straight if i am wrong.

 

[zubidlo]

Hi,

You right there ICEKOHDL...
The 'ego death'...what is that?
Here we're dealing with language boundaries for sure. How do you describe an experience (how to put it?:d ) where all the referential points toward reality are gone?
Even term 'ego death'... one would think that that's it...ego is dead, never gonna exist again. But I know we're talking about the temporary state of mind.
No language is good enough for this game to play. No one could oppose what you did or didn't experience just because you couldn't describe it, or your descriptions just didn't fit to those of his.
I don't like 'ego death' term a wee bit. A don't have a proper substitution though. Maybe something like 'temporary ecstatic mind emptiness' or 'temporary perception of oneself dissolved during psychedelic experience' or maybe 'total ecstasy of liberation', or maybe 'total synesthesia'.......did you experienced something like that?

I don't know, I was never able throughly describe most of my psychedelic experiences anyway. Not in my mother-tongue either. Did I experienced an 'ego death'? Yes I THINK so.


Regards.

 

[actualfactual]

First off, let me state I did not mean to offend you in any way and I apologize if I did. I think you had an amazing experience and I do not wish to downplay it in anyway.

My view of ego death is what Alan Watt's describes as a religious experience. He describes his criteria @ https://www.dmt-nexus.me/Files/Books/General/watts_psychedelics_religious_exp.pdf

However, my view is only my view.

I am glad you had such a strong experience, and I wish you continued growth in all your further endeavors!

Good luck in your journeys my friend.

 

[actualfactual]

I would like to pose you one question, you say "i am very self-centered (which can be good at times and bad at others). i know that i am all that will ever be. "

There is nothing wrong with that, but I'm curious how you can be self-centered when all of us are one? What is to be gained from focusing on your self rather then the collective I?

 

[gibran2]

It really does come down to how we define ego death. There are other threads that discuss this. I would say that, at minimum, ego death is a loss of self-identity.

I almost always experience this sort of ego death or “amnesia” when I use salvia. If my experiences are typical, then a moderate dose of salvia will almost guarantee ego death every time.

I rarely experience ego death with DMT. Several times I had “ego replacement” – I became an alien being, and as far as I knew at the time, I had never been anything else. It was only as the experience faded that I realized I had another identity – a human identity.

My most intense and profound DMT experience involved no loss of ego whatsoever. If anything, there was a heightened sense of self. A clarity of awareness unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

 

[I am.]

Hi,

I don't like 'ego death' term a wee bit. A don't have a proper substitution though. Maybe something like 'temporary ecstatic mind emptiness' or 'temporary perception of oneself dissolved during psychedelic experience' or maybe 'total ecstasy of liberation', or maybe 'total synesthesia'.......did you experienced something like that?

yes. that's more like it. i agree with you. the term "ego death" is relative. one's ego is a very personal thing, so for it to die, it must be very personal.

 

[I am.]

I would like to pose you one question, you say "i am very self-centered (which can be good at times and bad at others). i know that i am all that will ever be. "

There is nothing wrong with that, but I'm curious how you can be self-centered when all of us are one? What is to be gained from focusing on your self rather then the collective I?

we are all one but obviosly we are seperate. i don't see you in a trip. i see me. i am the only reflection of God that i truly know. by peeling my onion, i am only trying to get to a stronger sense of US. i am the only one of us that i can explore so i will only explore myself in order to gain a better understanding os US.

secondly, no. you didn't offend me. i like to debate. it stirs my mind. gets it active. so when i see some topic i like, i dive in. i often sound upset or angry when talking to people, when in fact i'm quite pleasant on the inside. i'm a very energetic person. full of passion and zeal. i get wound up talking about everything. one of those people who start strategizing their entire day before they hit the snooze button. i know you weren't attacking me or trying to deminish me. i think this is a very interesting topic. one that could spawn many great conversations and alliances.

 

[I am.]

It really does come down to how we define ego death. There are other threads that discuss this. I would say that, at minimum, ego death is a loss of self-identity.

I rarely experience ego death with DMT. Several times I had “ego replacement” – I became an alien being, and as far as I knew at the time, I had never been anything else. It was only as the experience faded that I realized I had another identity – a human identity.

My most intense and profound DMT experience involved no loss of ego whatsoever. If anything, there was a heightened sense of self. A clarity of awareness unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

yes. i have had ego replacement. also, many times, i have had an extremely hightened sense of self.

i love the nexus! i only have a select few people to talk to about this in real life. all of them have said that they experience ego death almost everytime or right before significant trips. and all of them say they experienced it near the beginning of their psychedelic path. so, i had this preconceived notion that i must not have had any real profound trips unless i've experienced ego death before but i knew that i have had very profound experiences. it was just all very confusing to me. now that i have more input, it definetely helps put things in perspective.

 

[zubidlo]

i love the nexus! i only have a select few people to talk to about this in real life.

Me to! zubidlo has full cabinet of entheogenic plants and no one to talk to about that. zubidlo tried to find a spiritually easygoing friends, but only egoistic chakkras, reiky, third eye 'spiritual' people were found. They knew everything best and looked at zubidlo from heights of 'spiritual knowledge'. They do acted like nice people, till zubidlo agreed with them. :d

Whoops...that was different thread.



Enjoy yourself, Regards.