Releasing of past-life guilt and shame related to perceived abandonment

[Valmar]

This is a tricky one to talk about, because you need to first accept the concepts of reincarnation, of past-lives, and of past-life events having powerful emotion impacts that can carry into our next ones.

With that in mind, I can discuss what I experienced. After my Psilocybin experience, documented here [A Psilocybin Initiation] I went through a lot of emotional processing the weeks following. It was anything but straightforward however... mostly a lot of unconscious processing going on.

But last night, I made some sort of breakthrough. I had some chocolate I had been given for my birthday ~ which was on Wednesday ~ so I took that and then felt dizzy, as I usually do with chocolate, so I went for the solution that seems to help ~ coffee. Brewed some, drank, accepting that I might not get the best quality sleep, but hey, better than sugar making feel like crap, as coffee seems to balance me out. Didn't accomplish much at first ~ computer, social media, programming ~ then I decided I was tired, so I went to bed.

In bed, though, I began to think and think, about my feelings of guilt, shame, abandonment, confused and torn in the midst of it. Eventually, I realized something ~ there was a pattern throughout my entire life, of being abandoned... moving homes, schools, being made to live on a veranda outside of a house's walls because I had a wet dream coming into puberty, of moving in with my auntie, and her throwing me out, of going from youth house to youth house, feeling lost, thrown aside.

I wondered... why? Why? What did it all mean? What was even the purpose of this pattern? I couldn't understand. I asked again... why? Why? I had to understand, I wanted to, I needed to. I became almost desperate. My mind eventually responded to my desperation with the answers... I went into what was a series of flashbacks.

In my past life, I was a shaman in the Amazon, with a community, a village, a tribe, a people. I belonged. But then... my pet, my animal companion, a tiger, had killed one of the women, out of jealousy, that it felt I was getting too intimate with. It happened all so suddenly. I wasn't able to pick up on the signs before it happened. By the time it did, it was just too late. There was turmoil and uproar after that ~ anger from my tribe. I was asked to kill my tiger for its crime. But... something in me compelled me to defend them, to protect them, to take on the weight of the deed onto myself, to bear the burden. It wasn't the tiger's fault ~ they were protecting me, so they perceived, and they had never acted anything like this prior, so it was a major shock that could never have been foreseen.

The village simply didn't know how to respond to this ~ I was a respected shaman, so they couldn't kill me. So, the village elder, our leader, decided that, in compromise, I was to be exiled for 5 years. Before that, they called me in for questioning ~ why would I make such a massive sacrifice? What compelled me? I realized that I had been seeing flashbacks of myself through the elder's eyes, his compassion, empathy, understanding, as I was unable to offer any of it to myself, as I blamed myself for not seeing the signs. I saw myself... bowing before him, broken, limp, barely able to respond, yet willingly taking on such a heavy burden.

The elder was much wiser than me ~ he understood that something had compelled me to make a massively selfless sacrifice, to protect one who had killed another. Any blame he had for my tiger was never brought up ~ he focused purely on why I, a respected wise-man, would take on such a burden. Such a sacrifice, he recognized, required compassion, empathy and understanding, of the perspective of another. He had thought about this for a while, reasoning and considering, as he knew I was not one to blindly defend another without good reason. So, he decided ~ I was to be exiled, but I would not be entirely abandoned. I would be brought supplies at intervals, but I had to leave my tiger behind, to protect them ~ and just in-case, it was a man the elder trusted to secrecy.

But... that didn't stop me feeling guilty, abandoned, full of shame, confusion, pain. It pierced a hole in my heart, leaving me feeling broken and lost. Yet... the spirits didn't abandon me. They recognized the nature of my sacrifice, which was considered significant and worthy in their eyes. Only someone with empathy and compassion could make such a sacrifice. But they also knew that I had become unable to have empathy and compassion for myself. I eventually forgave my tiger companion, though, after time and consideration. But, what I didn't quite know is that they felt guilt and shame themself, as they had acted on impulse, had seen my reaction, perceived their actions as something I didn't like or agree with, so felt confusion and shame, which was consequentially buried, because they couldn't understand it ~ their mind couldn't deal with the emotions, so I was unable to help them, even with the aid of Ayahuasca.

Only when I came to full comprehension of this did something in me, now returned to noticing I was lying in bed in this life, snapping out of the flashbacks, rise and gently shatter. It felt like some broken part in my heart had been rejoined, repaired, made whole. I felt... different. I felt more complete, more like myself again. A wound was healed. My heart... didn't have blacked hole in it anymore. I could feel more wholesomely.

I realized that the patterns of abandonment in this life were to force me to look at the wound ~ they were a sort of very extended set of exposure therapy, to force me to look inwards. The wound was deep, so the cure needed to be just as strong ~ that is, I had to be forced, even brutally so, to look at the wound, so I could come to terms with it, at any cost.

I was able to actually perceive the memories of the elder again ~ I realized these memories came from a life review where I was shown his perspective, his wisdom. I realized I had met him during one Ayahuasca journey ~ he had reincarnate, as a shaman, a wise-man, himself, inspired by my compassion and empathy, my own wisdom to see the true intent of another, to take on a massive burden I could barely bear... I thought he was familiar, but I couldn't place it until I made some unconscious connection ~ the energy of the elder was the same as the energy of that shaman. They were the same.

 

[northape]

Thank you for posting such a deep inner realization. It is beyond me to comment on past lives, but I feel karma at work in your situation.
As they say, what goes around comes around. I am glad that you could look at your wound and make peace with it. I feel that not everything we work with comes from this life; some things are just too out of context and seemingly come from a deeper place.

During childhood, I saw many inner issues coming from nowhere, and I was not old enough to have experienced any situations that would give rise to them. Perhaps it would be beneficial to look at your recollection as a psychological representation of a past event. That way, every character in the story might have a deeper meaning behind them. For example, a tiger is a solitary animal that represents power and protection. You surely know best how it works within your own psyche

Anyhow, congratulations. Happy Birthday

 

[Valmar]

Thank you for posting such a deep inner realization. It is beyond me to comment on past lives, but I feel karma at work in your situation.

I would definitely agree ~ in the sense that the events influenced my soul towards wanting to confront and heal that wound, rather than let it continue festering.

As they say, what goes around comes around. I am glad that you could look at your wound and make peace with it. I feel that not everything we work with comes from this life; some things are just too out of context and seemingly come from a deeper place.

That has been my understanding of the various spiritual experiences I have had ~ they all seem to relate to one past life or another.

During childhood, I saw many inner issues coming from nowhere, and I was not old enough to have experienced any situations that would give rise to them.

When something appears to have no obvious cause, then perhaps it is something related to a past life, in one sense or another.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to look at your recollection as a psychological representation of a past event. That way, every character in the story might have a deeper meaning behind them. For example, a tiger is a solitary animal that represents power and protection. You surely know best how it works within your own psyche

Perhaps... but much of it felt too literal and grounded in strong emotions to be taken symbolically or as representations of a past event in this life. That would simply cause more confusion than there needs to be. The most prominent inspiration from this flashback was the elder ~ he wasn't a character, but a literal someone who was wise, kind and understanding. The tiger was literal, with their own personality and emotions.

Sometimes, things are just literally as they are recalled ~ it makes little sense to recontextualize them as symbolic. That would appear to me to distort their genuine meaning. There is simply too much emotional context for it to be symbolic.

 

[northape]

Perhaps... but much of it felt too literal and grounded in strong emotions to be taken symbolically or as representations of a past event in this life. That would simply cause more confusion than there needs to be. The most prominent inspiration from this flashback was the elder ~ he wasn't a character, but a literal someone who was wise, kind and understanding. The tiger was literal, with their own personality and emotions.

Sometimes, things are just literally as they are recalled ~ it makes little sense to recontextualize them as symbolic. That would appear to me to distort their genuine meaning. There is simply too much emotional context for it to be symbolic.

I have no example of such a deep recollection in my work, so I tried to relate it to what I am familiar with. Your standpoint is pretty clear, and I see that it works for you.
The elder caught my attention too. I saw him as a force of wisdom and compassion in your story. What can I say except to smile and be glad for you?
Much Love

 

[Valmar]

I have no example of such a deep recollection in my work, so I tried to relate it to what I am familiar with. Your standpoint is pretty clear, and I see that it works for you.

Understood. I guess I find it harder to relate to the concept of looking at experiences as stories ~ from how I mentally-model things, it feels too much akin to dissociation, perhaps, which isn't always healthy. I guess it might also relate to my drive to understand the actual nature of stuff in my mind ~ I want to peel away all of the stories and abstractions and just get to the actual meat of it, to have no illusions about myself, to hide behind nothing. If something is to feel good, let it be actually real and whole, and not a belief or fantasy. Perhaps I am cautious about being disappointed by illusions, so I seek to avoid them.

The elder caught my attention too. I saw him as a force of wisdom and compassion in your story.

Indeed ~ he provided an insight I was unable to have for myself in the moment, a contrast to my perceptions of myself. But I couldn't understand until I allowed myself to feel.

What can I say except to smile and be glad for you?
Much Love

Thank you.