The very first time that I smoked 5-MeO-DMT was almost 8 years ago now. Within seconds... I experienced falling forwards into an immense Void. My capacity for any subjective perception dissolved into the sheerest emptiness imaginable. Just moments before all differentiations whited-out, I was certain that I had killed myself. Then all strata of reality became a silent, insubstantial vacuum of sorts, absorbing and erasing any iota of separation from said Void.
Were there a self witnessing the dissolution, it might have been rather terrifying but all distinction betwixt the inside and the outside had vanished. All there was, as I later recalled, was this boundaryless, directionless, no-thingness. It wasn't all inky blackness nor a blinding luminosity. It was totally unknown and unknowable, ineffible yet all-pervasive. This zero point is impossible to describe, naturally, as it is wholly nondual. Yet, being a monkey... I must chatter all about what cannot even be feasibly spoken of, nor ever put into language. Lol.
I can't say how long this was an endlessly, beginningless, looping continuum... as I was technically not even there. Perhaps there is an absolute wealth of unborn potentiation, silently gestating within it's limitless formlessness? That said and upon further remembrance, after what seemed an infinite degree of silence, a vibration began to be felt. An oscillation ignited this epic cross friction. An urge to exist, to be, to experience conscious-awareness incrementally seeded itself as a dawning realization of a dichotomy, a dynamic of self orientation re-crystallized.
The vibration increased until is was distinctly audible. But to whom? The indivisibility of the nondual field began to divide and be divided into individualized cognition and a knowledge of existing. That which perceives, became aware of that which is perceived. The unborn was born anew and a powerful desire to exist began to pulse with increased urgency. The "I" that had dissolved so quickly, re-coalesced into some kind of ancient, yet infantile urge to become. To be rebirthed into duality.
But why? I don't suppose anyone will ever know. Then there was suddenly a blinding white light exploding from everywhere and from no where. "Let there be Light!". Said luminosity manifested some kind of mirrored interplay between the Light itself and the witness to the effulgence. The auditory vibration pulsed in sync with the rest of the boudaryless light field. It hummed and crackled, echoing this roaring force, emanating from some unfathomable quietude.
The newly reborn composite, I/me/myself, that became an individuated vortexial fulcrum, began tearing up. I had been reborn, separate from the Oneness but deeply in love with the divinity of the whole. Ego-self wept from the pain of the separation but delighted in the sincere worship of the Godhead. I suspect that I was in such pure ecstasy for some good measure of time!
I seemed to recall desiring to become. Longing to love and be loved in return. I was both the subject and the object, entwined in some cosmic, mysterious dance. An understanding of my need to become sentient, bloomed from deeply inside of a mortal heart. I had remembered now just why I had chosen to be born. An immense need to create dimensionality resided within the universal pulse which was echoed in the beating of a human heart. With every heartbeat, a dreaming self declared it's existential being. I am. I exist. But do I really? How can one be both, the Source and the reflection?
A sudden remembrance popped up within the fabric of my mind, of having always being at the epicenter of all paradigms all at once and also, of being every little particle and photon riding the waves further away from the unbroken Omniscience... thus, manifesting an eternity in the making. Gratitude replaced the blissfulness of indivisibility and a tremendous feeling of wanting to do good service to all other dreaming selves. I thank you all for arriving here, now. Together we must heal ourselves and each other. If love is the buzz and I believe that it surely is... I emphatically love you all and fiercely so! Aho, Namaste and Namaskar.
Were there a self witnessing the dissolution, it might have been rather terrifying but all distinction betwixt the inside and the outside had vanished. All there was, as I later recalled, was this boundaryless, directionless, no-thingness. It wasn't all inky blackness nor a blinding luminosity. It was totally unknown and unknowable, ineffible yet all-pervasive. This zero point is impossible to describe, naturally, as it is wholly nondual. Yet, being a monkey... I must chatter all about what cannot even be feasibly spoken of, nor ever put into language. Lol.
I can't say how long this was an endlessly, beginningless, looping continuum... as I was technically not even there. Perhaps there is an absolute wealth of unborn potentiation, silently gestating within it's limitless formlessness? That said and upon further remembrance, after what seemed an infinite degree of silence, a vibration began to be felt. An oscillation ignited this epic cross friction. An urge to exist, to be, to experience conscious-awareness incrementally seeded itself as a dawning realization of a dichotomy, a dynamic of self orientation re-crystallized.
The vibration increased until is was distinctly audible. But to whom? The indivisibility of the nondual field began to divide and be divided into individualized cognition and a knowledge of existing. That which perceives, became aware of that which is perceived. The unborn was born anew and a powerful desire to exist began to pulse with increased urgency. The "I" that had dissolved so quickly, re-coalesced into some kind of ancient, yet infantile urge to become. To be rebirthed into duality.
But why? I don't suppose anyone will ever know. Then there was suddenly a blinding white light exploding from everywhere and from no where. "Let there be Light!". Said luminosity manifested some kind of mirrored interplay between the Light itself and the witness to the effulgence. The auditory vibration pulsed in sync with the rest of the boudaryless light field. It hummed and crackled, echoing this roaring force, emanating from some unfathomable quietude.
The newly reborn composite, I/me/myself, that became an individuated vortexial fulcrum, began tearing up. I had been reborn, separate from the Oneness but deeply in love with the divinity of the whole. Ego-self wept from the pain of the separation but delighted in the sincere worship of the Godhead. I suspect that I was in such pure ecstasy for some good measure of time!
I seemed to recall desiring to become. Longing to love and be loved in return. I was both the subject and the object, entwined in some cosmic, mysterious dance. An understanding of my need to become sentient, bloomed from deeply inside of a mortal heart. I had remembered now just why I had chosen to be born. An immense need to create dimensionality resided within the universal pulse which was echoed in the beating of a human heart. With every heartbeat, a dreaming self declared it's existential being. I am. I exist. But do I really? How can one be both, the Source and the reflection?
A sudden remembrance popped up within the fabric of my mind, of having always being at the epicenter of all paradigms all at once and also, of being every little particle and photon riding the waves further away from the unbroken Omniscience... thus, manifesting an eternity in the making. Gratitude replaced the blissfulness of indivisibility and a tremendous feeling of wanting to do good service to all other dreaming selves. I thank you all for arriving here, now. Together we must heal ourselves and each other. If love is the buzz and I believe that it surely is... I emphatically love you all and fiercely so! Aho, Namaste and Namaskar.
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