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Sad Descent into Madness

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joebono

joebono

Rising Star
I took 115mg of yellow freebase DMT along with my harmala concoction. Sometimes it takes an hour or two for the trip to start, but within fifteen minutes I was feeling strange and had some déjà vu. Uh oh, this never happened before, not this quick. I like to jump in the shower at the beginning of each trip, so off I went. In the shower I experienced a complete DMT breakthrough, the same type as if I vaped 60mg in one lungful. An old man silhouetted with blue electricity began to approach me and propelled some sort of sonic energy at me. Then these phantom figures with multiple breasts also attempted to reach out to me with some type of sonar communication. I did not feel like accepting their advances and quickly got out of the shower.


At this point, I am still in the grip of the complete breakthrough. I lay on the bed and close my eyes and the inner workings of the universe appear before me. Symbols, geometry, pulsating pipes, and vibrating runes are frantically motoring their way through my mind. It’s too much for me, too much to handle, impossible to understand and I crack. I sprung a leak, my mind exploded, reality shattered, and nothing made any sense. At this point I started hyperventilating. Breathing heavy, heart pounding, freezing my ass off, pacing frantically around the house.


The thoughts just started firing away at me. Nothing is real. Your life is just a story, a bad story and you fucked it up this time. I was Humpty fucking Dumpty trying to put it back together again, but it was shattered beyond repair. Trying to ground myself, I needed something of substance, something of truth to bring me back. Every object in my vicinity took on monumental proportions. A pencil, a book, a pillow each and every thing around me had deep metaphorical symbolism and they were all screaming for my attention. Shut the fuck up! Why won’t it stop? A heavy haze of infinite dread and madness descended upon me, like a cloud that has attached itself to me.


Okay, close your eyes, relax. When I did this, I was propelled deeper into hyperspace. The symbols continued their mocking gyrations, the ingredients of reality combined to mindfuck me and twist me into a lunatic. Thoughts that I am embarrassed to admit crossed my mind.


True panic set in. I was crying, death was preferable to this fucking shit. It just kept slamming me, showing me that nothing makes any sense and that truth is just quicksand and my life is just a leaf in the breeze. I was pulling at my tongue with my hand, shaking violently. I swore, I promised, I begged that I would never touch this stuff again if it would just stop. And it did. I slipped out of the deep psychosis and gained my sanity back.


Lesson learned? Who the fuck knows. My dose today was a little below average and look what it did to me. It really doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s difficult to form a long term relationship with DMT when it fucks you like it did to me today. I know, I know – set and setting, respect, blah, blah, blah. The bottom line is that I am fucking with fire and I got burned bad today.
 
wow - hope you're OK man. Bottom line is this stuff is un-fucking-believable. I can't imagine how intense it must be when pharma goes south.
 
It was hours of madness, but I am totally back to normal. You know, I often wonder how the government lets this stuff fly under the radar because it is literally atomic power. I think I know the answer to that question. Most people can't continue to take DMT, it's too much - it'll never be that popular because when it turns evil there is no equal. I love the stuff, but experiences like the one today really turn me off to it. I think most people just move on to other drugs that don't rip them new assholes and make death preferable to life.
 
joebono said:
Most people can't continue to take DMT, it's too much - it'll never be that popular because when it turns evil there is no equal.
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you hit it spot on there!! 69ron made the same quote a year ago or so.
 
gammagore said:
hats off to you joe, you just keep going back to "that" place.
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One day I will really learn my lesson. Hopefully soon. I am off to a good start though, instead of doing pharma once a week like I've been doing for the past two years, I do it every other week now and my non-pharma week I take cactus.

Cactus has never fucked with me, but its kind of boring compared to a good oral DMT trip. Ah, the sacrifices I have to make to keep my sanity.
 
it happens man. its happened to me and its a bad feeling. Seriously, what was your state of mind going in ?
were you 100% cool in your head? I'm only asking to get an idea of why this kind of thing happens sometimes.

Ever since i had a bad one like that i've been super cautious about going in . I only go in when i feel a certain way .

I need to have a certain kind of uplifted mood otherwise no go for me. Everything has to be right .

My last bad one was so fucked up I have never treated this stuff the same way.
My level of respect and caution has reached neurotic proportions at this point.

I know its crazy to even discuss it because its so off the charts intense .
But, I think the source of the negative loops come from within ourselves.
its a certain kind of weakened emotional state that just can't handle the unrelenting intensity and onslaught.
There's some kind of super amplification of dread fear and everything bad.
Antrocles once described dmt as an amplifier of whatever you put it with .

it seems in my experience that even the smallest amount of fear can be intensified by order of magnitude in a spice journey.
A small seed of negativity can be suddenly intensified into a grand opera of eternal hell in an instant.

I'm speaking for myself, but who knows.

in time you will be fine, in fact you might even be better than before.
hang tough
 
Glad you're back! :)

Sounds like a very “challenging” experience, to say the least. The lack of predictability that DMT seems to have in terms of dose vs. effects is the primary source of my pre-journey anxiety.

My most difficult experiences have been similar in the sense that I felt I had gone too far and would never be returning – either not returning to this life or not returning to sanity.

Yet I always return. We all always return, don’t we? Back to this life, back to sanity. Remembering this may provide some comfort.

I feel I’ll have made real progress when the simple message “I will return” is strong and clear even during a difficult journey.

Just out of curiosity – you say that this experience was equivalent to a high-dose vaporized experience, yet you were able to move about, open your eyes, etc. Are you generally still “embodied” during strong vaporized experiences? I leave my body even with moderate doses and always assumed it was normal/typical. Maybe not?
 
Felnik, it just doesn't make sense. My life is stable, very normal and comfortable. I have had about three bad trips in a row and this one took the crown. There is nothing in my life that would warrant such a terrible experience and my mindset was the same as it has been every time I take pharma. Whatever the source of these horrible experiences, it seems beyond my control. I was a small ignorant child compared to it and my feeble mind had no chance of combating it. Perhaps this is a self defeating notion, but I can't explain it any other way - it was completely beyond my control.

I'd hate to have to stop tripping with this stuff but I never want to feel those feelings again. Is it possible to lose your shit for weeks, months or years? For some reason, I think so.
 
gibran2 said:
Just out of curiosity – you say that this experience was equivalent to a high-dose vaporized experience, yet you were able to move about, open your eyes, etc. Are you generally still “embodied” during strong vaporized experiences? I leave my body even with moderate doses and always assumed it was normal/typical. Maybe not?
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Keep in mind that as I was in the shower, the surprise breakthrough happened and I had to deal with the old man and the multi-titted phantoms. My smoked breakthroughs are always laying in bed with eyes closed, so this experience taught me that you can break through standing up in the shower, if you must. Yes, my smoked trips are disembodied but this one had hyperspace brought to the physical me instead of me dissolving into hyperspace. I would say this breakthrough was more powerful than my smoked ones.
 
joebono said:
Yes, my smoked trips are disembodied but this one had hyperspace brought to the physical me instead of me dissolving into hyperspace. I would say this breakthrough was more powerful than my smoked ones.
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Scares me just reading that.
 
You know, I have recently started a new harmala method and it has really made my trips intense and even more powerful. I take .7 grams of Maya Ethno's 50:1 caapi extract along with 100mg of syrian rue harmala extract. This must completely, totally, and perfectly inhibit those enzymes in my stomach because that DMT goes straight to my brain.
 
Your harmala formula might be too much. The rue sounds like overkill to me.
My bad ones were using black caapi vine tea of unknown potency. Thats what pushed me over the edge.
After drinking the tea and waiting a little while I vaped some spice and all hell broke loose. I got sucked into a hyperspace vortex from hell that felt like it could kill me if it wanted to. That feeling of being at this powers mercy is really terrifying.

That feeling of wanting it to stop and that you'll always be like this is absolutely horrible. Its like a real nightmare that you can't stop.

I have since made up with it and have returned to a happier place with it. I felt unresolved and depressed after that .

The very thing I had come to love so much turned on me like a rabid animal and fucked me up.

We always manage to survive these experiences somehow. I think i'm a better person because of it.
 
joebono said:
Most people can't continue to take DMT, it's too much - it'll never be that popular because when it turns evil there is no equal.
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Time will tell.

The same things were said about LSD over a million times... Now +600,000 persons per year are taking acid.

I think that DMT will become popular, then it will become legal, then millions will try it. Then it will be free for all.
 
I don't know what else to say, besides, I feel you, and, I love you. Thank you for sharing. You are a soldier of unimaginable personal strength.

As you are decompressing, did any lessons or insights come to mind?

I did reach that point... where DMT, for absolutely no reason, scared the complete fuck out of me. I've been taking sissy-steps back to hyperspace to rebuild confidence. But, what I learned from that experience was so powerful... and the lasting effects are so healing, so opening. It forces me to confront my lies... my self-lies. Wow.
 
Joebono.

First of all, I applaud you for making it through the experience even if you are temporarily shell-shocked as a result.

The replies youve received certainly hit on some key points-not least of which is the great unpredictability of the dose/response curve which seems greatly enhanced when harmala alkaloids are in the mix.

I baulk at the thought of journeying twice a week although I suspect that one could cope for a variable length of time but eventually it will put you through the mill.I believe less is more with this compound with or without harmalas.

As with all things, your torment will pass.....
 
If I could have managed to keep control, that trip would have been amazing. I imagine navigating that impossible realm for hours on end would have been off the charts. I was fully immersed in the machinery of reality and it was buzzing around me and all I could I do was panic. If only I could have played around, experimented, and explored that place. I was there and unfortunately couldn't participate.
 
when you get spanked Inside, there really is nothing like it ... you're absolutely right - this is a power beyond human imagining. Once we are in that realm, we are at Their mercy; and often they are merciful, and helpful. But not always. It is at Their discretion.


Though I know many will disagree with this opinion, there is in my experience nothing more than a probabalistic correlation between the dose and the nature and strength of the experience. With large doses there can be neglible effects and no breakthrough; and sometimes on comparatively low doses it can shoot you out of the atomic cannon into the deepest depths of the Otherworld ...

However, reading this I am coming to the conclusion that the harmalas are absolutely central to the depth and nature of the journey. The last journey I took was on changa, but after smoking a 10:1 caapi leaf/chacruna blend and it obliterated me completely. When I came back, my life began. I am similar in many respects to the person who went In that day, but subtly, entirely different.

Reboot.

I have since been in once more, simply to face the fear that journey instilled in me, and to thank Them for what they taught me, and showed me, and to say goodbye for now.

So Joe - will you return Within?
 
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