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Sad Descent into Madness

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Jesus, Joe. Just reading that gave me the willies.

Let me just say first off that I like you. I think you're one of the more genuine people here, and I always value your posts. You capture the experience much better in words than most, myself included - and I respect your compulsion to push the envelope, regardless of bumps and bruises. But this is far from the first time you've returned with such a harrowing tale. At what point is enough enough? When do you hang up the phone?

I only ask because I actually do care. Playing with fire is what we do - and for those who think otherwise, think again. This is high stakes poker, and the variables are often arbitrary and seemingly random - so play at your risk, and understand that you're petting a sleeping tiger.
 
Forget petting the sleeping tiger. More like jumping on the sleeping tigers back slapping its ass and trying to hang on without getting bit. :shock:
 
Yeah, Art, it really sucks. When pharma treats me right, there is nothing in the world to compare to it. It's absolutely the most personal, most fascinating, tailor-made experience for the soul. It's absolute bliss with a fucking laugh track. But my trips are taking me to new depths of hell lately and it's depressing. I loved my weekly pharma trips, I live for them and now I have to really consider taking a break. Too bad I really don't like any other drugs at all to take pharma's place. I'm trying to form a relationship with cactus, but it's not the same, even at high doses.

I just want the old relationship back and enough with these tours of hell. My wife tolerates my trips, but yesterday she had to intervene and it really scared the shit out of her. I had never been that out of control and have never been that frightened in my life. That fact that I want to trip again at a lower dose in a week is pretty fucking stupid. I become God on it, except yesterday I was a confused and terrified deity. Unfortnately, I'm a moth drawn to the flame.
 
joebono said:
I loved my weekly pharma trips, I live for them and now I have to really consider taking a break. Too bad I really don't like any other drugs at all to take pharma's place.
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Perhaps a break should be a break and not a substitution? I know I've had points where I just need to stop everything and focus on this reality before being able to resume my journeys and proceed down the path I have begun. Just my $.02...
 
joebono said:
I loved my weekly pharma trips, I live for them and now I have to really consider taking a break.
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joebono said:
I just want the old relationship back and enough with these tours of hell.
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joebono said:
I had never been that out of control and have never been that frightened in my life. That fact that I want to trip again at a lower dose in a week is pretty fucking stupid.
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This sounds to me like you're getting very addicted to the experience. That's never a good thing and you should take a good break. Not good to be attached to something like this.
I'm not surprised for this lesson.

6 years ago I had a trip like this and I didn't touch psychedelics for 3 years after that.

Good luck mate and hope you're fine.
 
DMTripper, I know some people around here don't like the "addiction" word, but that term hits the nail on the head for me. I know it's not meth or heroin, but it's a problem I have to get control over. I'm obsessed with it and thankfully the structure of my life doesn't allow me to trip during the week so I am forced to limit my trips to once a week and I know that even that number is too much for me. I have some work to do.
 
joebono said:
Felnik, it just doesn't make sense. My life is stable, very normal and comfortable. I have had about three bad trips in a row and this one took the crown. There is nothing in my life that would warrant such a terrible experience and my mindset was the same as it has been every time I take pharma. Whatever the source of these horrible experiences, it seems beyond my control. I was a small ignorant child compared to it and my feeble mind had no chance of combating it. Perhaps this is a self defeating notion, but I can't explain it any other way - it was completely beyond my control.

I'd hate to have to stop tripping with this stuff but I never want to feel those feelings again. Is it possible to lose your shit for weeks, months or years? For some reason, I think so.
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Don't blame yourself!
I believe this fear is part of The Test to see how much "you want this."
I believe sometimes THEY give you the fear to grow you stronger.

I think this is what The Shamanic Initiation is all about...
 
At one point during the trip, my bedroom became an opium den dripping with all the adornments and symbolism of that decadent setting. Here I was, the highest I have ever been in my entire life, the deepest and furthest trip of my existence and it sucked. There was a message here that I'll never get what I am seeking. As high as I was, the euphoria I was seeking was elusive, out of reach. It told me that it wasn't the answer I was looking for. Deep shit to think about.
 
Joe, we often talk about integration here on the Nexus - and I've come to realise it really takes a lot more time than I was allowing. And I mean a LOT longer than we think when you're spanking that tiger's stripey ass with gusto. I went through a six month period of smoking changa 3 or 4 times a week; my life opened up a space for me to do this at the time, and I jumped through the gap like a fucking grasshopper.

Because, yes, it is awesome; it is compelling; it is full of More-ness and the promise of yet more distant shores, of planets and gods and sheer wonder. And when it loves us, there is quite simply nothing that compares. It teaches and heals and expands the brain like a helium balloon and like you, I wanted more.

Of course, we want the loving journeys, not the dark trawls through the swamp of the Psyche; but you cannot force this; you cannot become addicted - as you are finding out, it will not let you. I had a few warning shots over the bow, but it came to a point when the tiger was sitting on me, with it's sabre teeth right inside my fucking brain; and that was it. I've been back once more - just to thank them for everything that they did for me, everything they showed me and taught me; for the healing and love I have since found in my life that I never would've believed was even possible.

I know what it's like when They're saying, enough now, and you're thinking, I'm not done.

But this is at heart a progressive symbiotic experience; it is like marriage, in some respects; you fall in love, have a honeymoon, and it's pretty hot at first ... then, after a while, you have to work through stuff to keep the love alive. It gets deeper, more difficult, and takes more effort, but the rewards are far richer than you could have imagined.

For me, for now, I am done. I am still integrating, understanding the depth and totality of the profound change this has brought to my life; because I know it is there; I know what is important; and I know that love and gratitude and focus and intent are really what it's all about here in the monkey cage, exactly as it is in hyperspace.

So good luck, my friend - and safe travels.
 
I have had a very similar experience with a combination of 2C-P and a good amount of LSD, suffered strong psychosis for a couple of hours. It was hard to form sentences and thoughts for 24 hours after the experience. I am glad to hear that you're through with it. All psychedelics have their boundaries and they are there for our respect towards the drug. Also, I wanted to thank you for sharing, the bad ones always take something out of us.

joebono said:
s it possible to lose your shit for weeks, months or years? For some reason, I think so.
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I lost a girlfriend to LSD psychosis. She was out of it for almost two months, even with a rigorous anti-psychotic treatment. She was never the same. It can happen, so be careful. As most people already told you, once a week is too much, you can't keep that up for more than a couple of months without eventually taking a large toll on your body, physiologically and psychologically. Our existence is extremely fragile, don't take it for granted. That is not to say you should stop, but I believe a break is in order. Last words, this didn't happen for no reason, everything is connected: it is speaking to you, warning you.
 
Hey...i am very new here...only smoked changa three times...and shrooms once...lsd a bunch of times...Ans Lsd was the only one who could give me depressive paranoic negative feelings and thoughts about my own life and problems...Changa was so out of my expirience...i mean, the world, the worlds that were being showed to me on Changa, had nothing to do with me...there were the entities, but even my comunnication with them wasant about my personal life and problems..thats was bizarre...in the beggining, int he first minute i thouth to myself " Can this turn into a bad trip???" And suddely an entite apparead to me, tottaly funny crazy, and "told" to me how ridiculous my concept of "bad trip" was...Like it was saying to me " What you are about to see is the Hyperspace...not your onw psyche...this has nothing to do with you"... It was tottally detached from my life, it wasant there to talk about my personal problems.
But nevertheless...i felt fear...for one minute maybe...and them after this minute...i was laughing with "them" of my owm notions of fear and self..cuz at that point even the notion of "me" was ridicoulus..i was laughing and sayint to my friend "Endlessness" " I forgot i am not you...is ridiculous to separate "...and how my "ego" was the only one with fear...fear of leaving this "safe reality" we are usted. But of course...i wasant a the "hell" part of hyperspace...so i cannot know how is to see that...
Acid was way more "personal" for me...i stopped doing it especially cuz is chemical and i really hated the body efects...
And shrooms...well they gave a little time of "madness", the first 2 hours maybe...total kaos...but not in a frighten way...more like "crazy fellini" movies way...kind of funny...an at some point i "got it"...i was one with everything and fear was something to laugh...how could i feel fear if i was one with everything?? Evertyhing is me, "I" is an ilusion we just have to use to feed our bodys and secure mundane realtions and task here in thes reality...
But i knew even shrooms can turn into bad trips... And i guess maybe there are to types of bad trips...
The "Personal bad trips", where we realize of some problems in our life, we get depreessed like there is no solution for nothing...nothing makes sense
And the "hyperspace hell bad trips", where there is no reflections about ourselves, but the "place" in Hyperspace, and the entities we are in contact are evil, or just doesent want us there and they are showing theyr bad mood side...like sometimes people do
Anyway...i know people here are way more experienced, this is just some thought i had reading this...and i have never experiecend this kind of hell...But from the little knowledge i have from shamans, i always remeber one ritual, i think it was the last ritual of a a shamans "student", i dont remeber what tribe and where, i guess in Mexico. The shaman "student", in his last test, had to take a huge ammount of plants...and it was something like one week tripinng..and he said that in that time, he would be destoyed by several demonic entities, he wouyld be dismeberesd, part by part, separeted all of his body, and in the and they would reconstruc him...better stronger, and knowing that he could be distroyed and putted back together eternally
Thans for posting it joebono!!!! it always good to see that there is diferent sides of the story that sometimes we just dont want to see
Aumumano
" The Eye is the gate to the individual soul, and the Music is the gate to the Human Soul"
 
I've come to realize that trips like this happen for a reason and I believe that reason is to show us the other end of the spectrum, you can't have good without evil and dmt is no exception.
 
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