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Seeing behind the curtain

Migrated topic.
DR said:
90 days!!!Laughing You are a hero my friend. Amazing.
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Thank you, I think, :lol: It hasn't been a full set of days, but with a missed day here and there. Guess you can say that I'm putting "this thread" into practice. It's a result of my being fed up, both internally and externally. It's also an exercise in loosening up, and I figured what better tool, than a molecule that I love, that is physically safe, yet wild and intense af.

Life is slightly easier to handle when we allow ourselves the things we love... not to mention I'm only doing more and more guidework, so I have to be willing to put myself through the trials as well, which I am, even if I can't bring myself to the depths.

One love
 
During my honeymoon after first extractions I managed about 12 days before things got so weird that I needed to re-think everything and stop for 5 months.

Your efforts are ground breaking
 
fink said:
During my honeymoon after first extractions I managed about 12 days before things got so weird that I needed to re-think everything and stop for 5 months.

Your efforts are ground breaking
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After my fifth time, I was on a six year hiatus.

Right now, I've just kinda lost my sh*t :lol: Though I will say that today's was profound...

And mind you, I'm generally not going very far, though it's still getting weirder even in shallower waters.

One love
 
The good ones have left me buoyant and stronger but the hard ones are still making me question myself in every direction. I cant help feeling like it must be my own failing when a trip leaves me confused and lost. Or like I must not deserve candy land.

I know that is wrong. But I still cant totally let that idea go. Like somehow I need to keep improving and keep digging deep to earn a better experience. Which in turn makes me reluctant to go hard on a dose incase I have not done enough yet.
 
fink said:
The good ones have left me buoyant and stronger but the hard ones are still making me question myself in every direction. I cant help feeling like it must be my own failing when a trip leaves me confused and lost. Or like I must not deserve candy land.

I know that is wrong. But I still cant totally let that idea go. Like somehow I need to keep improving and keep digging deep to earn a better experience. Which in turn makes me reluctant to go hard on a dose incase I have not done enough yet.
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Parts of this are very familiar, probably because threads of these ideas are occurring presently for me.

So, yes, that's not necessarily correct, but the idea is still there, for both of us, so what now? Be with it. Improve yourself, even if it's predicated on something more false than true, it gets you to a beneficial destination. All the while, keep working with the spice and seeing through the lie. The more you do it, the more you see.

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
All the while, keep working with the spice and seeing through the lie. The more you do it, the more you see.
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If 'it' mimics life, as we currently experience it, it is probably another recursive loop that calls itself from within. There is a lie behind every lie. Behind your eyes I sleep.

Even the universe is doing the same thing. There are galaxies behind galaxies that shouldn't be there.

fink said:
Only today fink is worth any effort and today fink is getting by acceptably.
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Words to Flux by!
 
rkba said:
Voidmatrix said:
All the while, keep working with the spice and seeing through the lie. The more you do it, the more you see.
Click to expand...

If 'it' mimics life, as we currently experience it, it is probably another recursive loop that calls itself from within. There is a lie behind every lie. Behind your eyes I sleep.

Even the universe is doing the same thing. There are galaxies behind galaxies that shouldn't be there.

fink said:
Only today fink is worth any effort and today fink is getting by acceptably.
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Words to Flux by!
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You may enjoy the article in this thread.

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
You may enjoy the article in this thread.

One love
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Blade-Runner-Roy-Batty-Head-Butt-600x338.jpg
 
scaredofthedark said:
Do you have aphantasia by any chance?
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Not sure if that was directed at me.

Never heard of that before. Looked it up and it seems that I indeed lack visual imagination. I didn't even know. Yet I have a very vivid imagination, just not visual. Very interesting!

Flux Away!
 
Sorry, I was asking fink, but it was also a thought for anybody with "diminished" visuals, so to speak. Plus many people aren't even aware it's a thing or they're "different" from others in that regard. Not everybody has an internal monolog, either, which I find hard to understand.
 
scaredofthedark said:
Sorry, I was asking fink, but it was also a thought for anybody with "diminished" visuals, so to speak. Plus many people aren't even aware it's a thing or they're "different" from others in that regard. Not everybody has an internal monolog, either, which I find hard to understand.
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Yeah, I don't always have an internal monolog, which can make communication hard sometimes. Often when I do have an internal monolog it's directed toward a hypothetical or fictional person or being rather than directly with myself.

One love
 
Imaginary friends are no big deal! :d Interesting, though. My internal monolog never turns off or slows down and even ramps up with less distractions going on. Probably just a natural byproduct of my ADHD.
 
scaredofthedark said:
Do you have aphantasia by any chance?
Click to expand...

So it has been about two years. I'm coming back to this thread to express my thanks for you posting this SotD.

In my mind I had replied but apparently not. My apologies. Your suggestion has led me down a very long road of research into aphantasia. I'm so very grateful. I had no idea it was a thing.

It turns out that I have never had any ability to form a clear mental image (that I remember at least) . I also have zero audible inner monologue.

So either I have congenital aphantasia, some repressed traumatic experience that prompted it, or a brain injury from all the dumb stuff I used to do for fun.

All three options are possible though I am leaning towards congenital.

This also explains some of the ridiculous DMT experiences. I see now that I just kept upping the dose of enhanced leaf, thinking I was not smoking enough to reach candy land. I'm now aware that I could have quite easily been hitting 50-100mg doses at times. Especially in the consciousness deleting episodes and most notably, the vivid experience I had that I now understand as a memory of being aware inside the womb.


I could waffle on for hours about the journey your short question has led me along. Many thanks for this. It really has been a turning point in my self understanding.
 
fink said:
It turns out that I have never had any ability to form a clear mental image (that I remember at least) .
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Thanks for your post. I feel like I am somewhere on the aphantasia spectrum, too.
I can create an image in my mind's eye, but it is not visual in a sense. I just know it, similar to intuition.
Ten years ago, I had a session with chacruna that made it possible for me to actually see stuff. It was like I landed on a different planet.
So, I know of another possibility to view this reality. That opening lasted only a few months, but I could easily see pictures during that period.
Today, it all went in the opposite direction, and most of my experiences with plants are somatic or energetic in nature.
Rekindling that visual side of reality is my project for the nearest future ⚡🌈:)
 
fink said:
So it has been about two years. I'm coming back to this thread to express my thanks for you posting this SotD.

In my mind I had replied but apparently not. My apologies. Your suggestion has led me down a very long road of research into aphantasia. I'm so very grateful. I had no idea it was a thing.

It turns out that I have never had any ability to form a clear mental image (that I remember at least) . I also have zero audible inner monologue.

So either I have congenital aphantasia, some repressed traumatic experience that prompted it, or a brain injury from all the dumb stuff I used to do for fun.

All three options are possible though I am leaning towards congenital.

This also explains some of the ridiculous DMT experiences. I see now that I just kept upping the dose of enhanced leaf, thinking I was not smoking enough to reach candy land. I'm now aware that I could have quite easily been hitting 50-100mg doses at times. Especially in the consciousness deleting episodes and most notably, the vivid experience I had that I now understand as a memory of being aware inside the womb.


I could waffle on for hours about the journey your short question has led me along. Many thanks for this. It really has been a turning point in my self understanding.
Click to expand...

northape said:
Thanks for your post. I feel like I am somewhere on the aphantasia spectrum, too.
I can create an image in my mind's eye, but it is not visual in a sense. I just know it, similar to intuition.
Ten years ago, I had a session with chacruna that made it possible for me to actually see stuff. It was like I landed on a different planet.
So, I know of another possibility to view this reality. That opening lasted only a few months, but I could easily see pictures during that period.
Today, it all went in the opposite direction, and most of my experiences with plants are somatic or energetic in nature.
Rekindling that visual side of reality is my project for the nearest future ⚡🌈:)
Click to expand...
This is something I'm uncertain about for myself. Relative to internal dialogue, if it's there, it is often aimed not at myself and I have to focus to make it me talking to myself.

For aphantasia, I feel like I am able to generate images to some degree, and I sometimes have visceral responses to them, but at the same time such a response could just be my sensitivities. The images, are images and not.

One love
 
I tried Sananga eye drops for rekindling visions, but they just enhance the depth of perception and give insights. I plan to go the way I came: work with chacruna and then mushrooms. Maybe I will get a clue along the way.
 
northape said:
I just know it, similar to intuition.
[Snip]
Rekindling that visual side of reality is my project for the nearest future ⚡🌈:)
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Exactly this! My conceptual imagination is extremely active and overwhelmingly potent at times.

I also have a strong desire to see if I can open the mind's eye.

I feel that there are significant advantages to aphantasia. Conceptual thought without visual distractions is something I took for granted. I assumed it was normal.

I wonder if opening the visual stuff will help or hinder my current psychology.
 
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