We're all different, so here's a grain of salt to go with this post.
Psychedelics can be very helpful but they can also be very dangerous in this situation.
I was diagnosed as depressed in my youth and turned to psychedelics both as alternative medicine (I hated how the antidepressants made me feel) and also because they were amazing and represented a world of wonder I thought I'd lost in childhood.
The problem was I wasn't using them properly. I was using them to escape.
Instead of applying the lessons and taking action in "the normal world" I was trying to feel better by hiding in wonderland. Unsurprisingly, wonderland started to shift over time into a dark place.
A few years into it, after a series of negative life events, I made the poor decision to candy flip alone after having someone drop me off from a party where, once again, I was surrounded by drunk losers and feeling like one. I don't generally believe in guardian angels but there are few factors about that night that leave me wondering.
To be more blunt, I made a serious attempt at suicide and almost died of blood loss.
The point of this story isn't to scare you straight.
I made many more poor decisions before that one. And a few after. Though none as mortally severe.
The point is that afterward, I continued to struggle with ideation despite my immense gratitude for surviving and earnest application of "the work".
One of the labcoats I met churning through the system told me I would always live with that nagging voice telling me I'd "be better off dead and here's how to do it." At the time I thought it was an awful thing to tell a young man in crisis. In hindsight, I'm less concerned about whether he was right and more about how that prepared me.
Spolier alert: It didn't. It made me feel helpless. Like I was possessed. And truth is, the more I fought it, the worse it got.
Here's the real point of this story. It only got better when I stopped fighting it. Instead of treating it like some actual threat, I started treating that voice like an annoying child.
Instead of resisting it and creating more mental conflict, I just accepted it as a part of myself that wanted validation. I realized I don't have to act on it's suggestions for it to feel heard. It isn't a demon. It's some fractured part of me that wants love. And what's more loving than to be seen and accepted without judgement.
It's not about giving in to the ideation, it's about giving love to a part of myself that is ideating because it feels unlovable.
I feel like it's worth saying that I am also working with a trained clinical therapist and I have a solid grounding for this work.
The type of mental judo I'm talking about could have it's own risks. I know I don't want to die so when I tell the voice "Yea, you're right, I could just end my suffering that way." I have no intention of acting on it. It is simply a way to reduce the tension that gives that voice power.
If you have any doubts about being able to do that on your own, find someone to talk to.
I understand the fear of being locked up and the risk inherent in being vulnerable with a mental health provider. I've been very blessed to find one who is non-judgemental and pro (responsible) psychedelic use.
I know there's someone out there for you.
And more importantly, I know the suffering you feel has a cure.
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