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Tactile dissolution

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Rising Star
Hello everyone,

I’ve decided to revisit psychadelics recently and I’m wondering if anyone can relate to my experiences. About 13 years ago I became fascinated with psychadelics, but never had much success growing/obtaining them. Instead, I would read about other people’s experiences and trip very rarely with low doses. Everything was put on hold during college and for several years after, while I focused on my education and finding my path in life. My schedule has recently opened up and I finally have time to explore psychadelics again, but after my first DMT experience, I’ve developed this feeling of apprehension anxiety that has created a mental barrier to picking up my pipe and jumping back in.

I tend to constantly analyze my thoughts even while sober, and I feel like I’m particularly susceptible to ego loss at very low dosages. 15 mg’s through my gvg turned my consciousness into instant static. It felt as if my normal state of consciousness is akin to a neatly stacked pile of sand, and the first rush of DMT is like a violent wind scattering it into nothingness. The visuals were consistent with a typical 15 mg trip, but the mind obliterating effects were way more profound than I expected. I’ve heard so much talk about the visuals but nobody mentions the tactile sensation of your mind scattering as you lose all control over it.

My fiancé, who smoked right after me ( her first psychadelic experience ever), ended up loving it. She’s somehow this psychadelic warrior who will smoke herself into oblivion on her second go around and then come out of it laughing histerically. I’ve never felt more jealous or emasculated in my life! :) I want nothing more than trip alongside her again, but the memory of my mind going straight to static leaves me paralyzed with apprehension when I pick up my pipe! I will think about it all day, and convince myself that this is going to be the night, then I chicken out as soon as I walk into my apartment! I somehow convince myself that I no longer want to do it as soon as I see the pipe... I’ve never experienced this level of fear and avoidance before.

I feel like the only way to take back my self respect is to face this fear and force the vapor into my lungs, but Im also worried that the anxiety will stay with me throughout the trip. Im sure my memory is much worse than the experience itself. In fact, I remember that I was able to remain calm and simply observe, but part of me wonders if I will be able to do that again...

Someone please convince me to stop being such a wuss...:?

My suggestion is to accumulate some experiences in the 5mg-10mg range. I find this dose level very pleasant. Beautiful visuals, the body softens and melts without being completely erased. Think pleasant thoughts, and do it in a pleasant comfortable place. This will help establish familiarity and trust.
My mind/ consciousness is scattered to the four winds as well. If you can find it in yourself to allow this it gets better. Ego death is part of the experience. Have you ever thought about trying ayahuasca. The come on is slower so easer to deal with. It also last longer
Well... I tripped again last night. Once with 15 mg and once with 21 mg, each inhaled in one hit through my gvg.

The 15 mg experience immersed me in an ever approaching two dimensional fractal and filled me with uncontrollable laughter. I began laughing because of how simultaneously intense yet benign the experience was. The patterns I was seeing were not all that colorful or impressive and the whole experience felt like it was telling me what a fool I had been for building up such anxiety against it. When I opened my eyes the room was spiraling with me in this cartoonish way, and I had no control over my laughter. It felt like the drug was this alien female consciousness that had somehow infiltrated my brain and found the laughter spot, and delighted to find this spot decided to poke it wildly and observe my response.

The 21 mg trip started out very similar, but I moved through that stage and into a room. I was in a room of what seemed like college kids from the future that were toying me. It felt like I had walked into the back room of a very secret party where these kids somehow had the technology to contact me on my trip and influence what I was seeing. All they seemed interested in doing was opening me there hand and showing me a fractal. It felt like the same trance inducing-fractal experience that started the trip. If I stared into it, it surrounded me and I became locked into the trance, if I looked away from their hands, I was able to simply watch them. It honestly felt like a huge joke. They were basically making fun of me for coming there just to get hypnotized by their hand... I was able to move my body throughout the experience, and turning my head in real life had the effect of turning my head in the room, allowing me to glance around. All in all, the experience felt comically benign, and visuals were just these silly oddball cartoonish looking faces and patterns. The room with the kids which felt incredibly real was not at all what I expected.It was dark with muted colors, and nothing really fantastical. The entire thing felt very uninspired, like I was the butt of a poorly executed joke.

I suppose this was actually good for me, as I no longer hold any fear or anxiety when approaching the drug. They basically showed me that I need to stop building things up because reality will never live up to my expectations. I feel like I've been doing that most of my life. No more expectations from here on out...
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