I don’t know where to begin.
It was 3 months ago, almost to the day ( 2/28 ), that I had the most profound and difficult DMT experience of my life. It was unlike any other, and until last night, it was a singularly unique experience. But last night changed that.
First Launch
My frequency of use has dropped significantly since that last “big one”, and I’ve been reluctant to have deep breakthroughs. But last night I got the call, and at about 7:30pm started things off with 10mg sublingual Caapi Copy (it doesn’t take much for me). I loaded about 26mg spice in my GVG, and at 8:15pm I took it all in one hit. Oddly, I didn’t break through. Or if I did, it was just barely. But it was a constructive and introspective experience. One message I got was that “hyperspace” is there for us in a supportive and nurturing way. Even our most difficult experiences are “given” to us so that we might grow.
Although the experience was nice, it left me wanting more, so I decided that I’d take another 26mg later in the evening. Before I get to that, a few short digressions:
Damn That GVG!
Before I get into the 2nd launch, there are a few things I need to mention. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it a hundred times by now (as have others) that the GVG is an incredibly effective vaporizing device. One might say brutally effective, or even mercilessly effective.
I use a disc of metal mesh to hold the spice, and this also has another effect. As the chamber of the GVG heats, the mesh keeps pace and heats fairly evenly. At a certain point, all parts of the mesh reach vaporization temperature simultaneously, and the spice vaporizes all at once.
So a perfect hit would consist of maybe 5 seconds or so of getting the chamber up to temperature, during which very little spice is vaporized, and then a huge billow of hot vapor that is inhaled in about one second, followed by a few more seconds to get any remnants. In a perfect hit, I bet that 90% of the spice is inhaled in under one second. Last night, I got a perfect hit.
In the past I’ve casually mentioned that rapidly inhaling a dose of spice, even a small dose, has a very different effect than slower inhalation, multiple hits, etc. Now I’ll state it more emphatically: Rapid inhalation of a dose of DMT produces a qualitatively different type of DMT experience. I’m not recommending or endorsing this rapid inhalation approach. It can produce very difficult experiences, to say the least.
Reality
DMT novices often seem concerned, even preoccupied, with “breakthrough”. They ask questions like, “Did I break through?” or “How will I know when I break through?”, and more experienced users usually respond with “When you break through, you’ll know it.”
And that’s the nature of breaking through – once it happens, you KNOW IT. After your first deep breakthrough, you don’t THINK you broke through, you don’t BELIEVE you broke through, you KNOW you broke through. The experience itself is evidence enough.
Now on to reality. There’s always talk about what’s real on this forum. Constant chattering back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes it’s interesting, but it gets tiring. People ask questions like “Are entities real?” or “Is hyperspace real?” And then there’s endless, sometimes heated debate.
What I suggest is that understanding the reality of DMT experiences is like understanding breakthroughs: once you experience a “reality-confirming” DMT experience, you KNOW it’s real. You don’t THINK it’s real, you don’t BELIEVE it’s real, you KNOW it’s real. People doubt until they have experiences themselves. The only reason that there’s any debate at all regarding the reality of DMT experiences is because many people have yet to have a “reality-confirming” DMT experience. When you have it, you’ll KNOW it’s real. I had such an experience last night:
Second Launch
Although I was anxious before my first launch, I was now calm. I held thoughts of love in my mind, and then I began. As I wrote earlier, it was a “perfect” hit. For the first few seconds there wasn’t any vapor, and then – gulp – one huge cloud. I continued for a few more seconds, but was already feeling it. It was very strong – it was “oh no, what did I do?” strong. I laid down and was quickly taken away. For the second time, what I experienced was unlike any other journey.
My mind was perfectly clear and my ego was perfectly intact. The clarity of mind and clarity of experience was no different than everyday reality. I was also fully in my body. I can’t stress enough the clarity and intactness of ego. I was there. Fully, completely immersed in this other place, and it was all as clear as any experience in “ordinary” reality.
But I wasn’t in my bedroom any more. I was in a brightly lit room, and very quickly I realized that I was being shown something. I felt the presence of entities, but I don’t remember seeing them. They were emotionless. Not good, not evil. There was a mechanical quality about them. They wanted to show me something. I’m still not sure what it was, but my interpretation was that they were trying to show me how our reality is “constructed”. There is another reality “behind” ours, and they began to show it to me by “deconstructing” my reality. What I saw… Hmm… I’m looking for the right words: What I saw frightened me? What I saw horrified me? Shocked me? Maybe shocked fits best, but what I was feeling is something I’ve never felt before.
I was not prepared to see how things worked. My illusions about reality were shattered. And I was still fully “me”, so I didn’t have the security blanket that ego-loss often provides. As I was witnessing these things, I thought “Having seen what I’ve seen, there’s no way I’ll ever be able to return without going completely insane.” There were moments where I was convinced that I had gone too far, and that I wouldn’t be going back.
At one point I felt like I had breached the boundary between our everyday reality and the reality I was in. I felt that there was no going back because there was nothing to go back to – reality had been consumed.
After an indeterminately long period of time, as the effects were already waning, I realized that I often forget many of the details of my DMT experiences (at this point they were all horribly still in mind). This thought was my salvation, and gradually what I saw faded into the background. I was never more grateful for forgetting. Thank God for forgetfulness!
Coming Back
As the trip was fading and sense of my body was restored, I wanted to open my eyes, just to make sure that I was back. I hesitated – I was afraid to open my eyes because I thought I might still be in the “other” reality. Eventually I gathered the courage and took a peek, and realized, with great relief, that I was back. It had been about 15 minutes.
Oddly enough, I didn’t feel any residual fear or terror or trauma. I felt very calm and, other than the relief at making it back, felt emotionally flat. I felt like I had been through some sort of “cosmic electroshock therapy”. I had a mild headache, which is unusual.
Thoughts
I never felt a malicious or evil intent with respect to what I was shown, but there was most definitely a cold indifference. But I also feel that I was shown these things for a reason. I don’t know.
Here’s what I’ve concluded: There is knowledge that we, as living human beings, are not prepared to know. There are things we can’t handle. Had I remembered all that I had seen in it’s full beautiful horrible detail, I’m certain that I’d have been shipped off to the psych ward first thing this morning.
I’ve never been so happy to forget.
It was 3 months ago, almost to the day ( 2/28 ), that I had the most profound and difficult DMT experience of my life. It was unlike any other, and until last night, it was a singularly unique experience. But last night changed that.
First Launch
My frequency of use has dropped significantly since that last “big one”, and I’ve been reluctant to have deep breakthroughs. But last night I got the call, and at about 7:30pm started things off with 10mg sublingual Caapi Copy (it doesn’t take much for me). I loaded about 26mg spice in my GVG, and at 8:15pm I took it all in one hit. Oddly, I didn’t break through. Or if I did, it was just barely. But it was a constructive and introspective experience. One message I got was that “hyperspace” is there for us in a supportive and nurturing way. Even our most difficult experiences are “given” to us so that we might grow.
Although the experience was nice, it left me wanting more, so I decided that I’d take another 26mg later in the evening. Before I get to that, a few short digressions:
Damn That GVG!
Before I get into the 2nd launch, there are a few things I need to mention. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it a hundred times by now (as have others) that the GVG is an incredibly effective vaporizing device. One might say brutally effective, or even mercilessly effective.
I use a disc of metal mesh to hold the spice, and this also has another effect. As the chamber of the GVG heats, the mesh keeps pace and heats fairly evenly. At a certain point, all parts of the mesh reach vaporization temperature simultaneously, and the spice vaporizes all at once.
So a perfect hit would consist of maybe 5 seconds or so of getting the chamber up to temperature, during which very little spice is vaporized, and then a huge billow of hot vapor that is inhaled in about one second, followed by a few more seconds to get any remnants. In a perfect hit, I bet that 90% of the spice is inhaled in under one second. Last night, I got a perfect hit.
In the past I’ve casually mentioned that rapidly inhaling a dose of spice, even a small dose, has a very different effect than slower inhalation, multiple hits, etc. Now I’ll state it more emphatically: Rapid inhalation of a dose of DMT produces a qualitatively different type of DMT experience. I’m not recommending or endorsing this rapid inhalation approach. It can produce very difficult experiences, to say the least.
Reality
DMT novices often seem concerned, even preoccupied, with “breakthrough”. They ask questions like, “Did I break through?” or “How will I know when I break through?”, and more experienced users usually respond with “When you break through, you’ll know it.”
And that’s the nature of breaking through – once it happens, you KNOW IT. After your first deep breakthrough, you don’t THINK you broke through, you don’t BELIEVE you broke through, you KNOW you broke through. The experience itself is evidence enough.
Now on to reality. There’s always talk about what’s real on this forum. Constant chattering back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes it’s interesting, but it gets tiring. People ask questions like “Are entities real?” or “Is hyperspace real?” And then there’s endless, sometimes heated debate.
What I suggest is that understanding the reality of DMT experiences is like understanding breakthroughs: once you experience a “reality-confirming” DMT experience, you KNOW it’s real. You don’t THINK it’s real, you don’t BELIEVE it’s real, you KNOW it’s real. People doubt until they have experiences themselves. The only reason that there’s any debate at all regarding the reality of DMT experiences is because many people have yet to have a “reality-confirming” DMT experience. When you have it, you’ll KNOW it’s real. I had such an experience last night:
Second Launch
Although I was anxious before my first launch, I was now calm. I held thoughts of love in my mind, and then I began. As I wrote earlier, it was a “perfect” hit. For the first few seconds there wasn’t any vapor, and then – gulp – one huge cloud. I continued for a few more seconds, but was already feeling it. It was very strong – it was “oh no, what did I do?” strong. I laid down and was quickly taken away. For the second time, what I experienced was unlike any other journey.
My mind was perfectly clear and my ego was perfectly intact. The clarity of mind and clarity of experience was no different than everyday reality. I was also fully in my body. I can’t stress enough the clarity and intactness of ego. I was there. Fully, completely immersed in this other place, and it was all as clear as any experience in “ordinary” reality.
But I wasn’t in my bedroom any more. I was in a brightly lit room, and very quickly I realized that I was being shown something. I felt the presence of entities, but I don’t remember seeing them. They were emotionless. Not good, not evil. There was a mechanical quality about them. They wanted to show me something. I’m still not sure what it was, but my interpretation was that they were trying to show me how our reality is “constructed”. There is another reality “behind” ours, and they began to show it to me by “deconstructing” my reality. What I saw… Hmm… I’m looking for the right words: What I saw frightened me? What I saw horrified me? Shocked me? Maybe shocked fits best, but what I was feeling is something I’ve never felt before.
I was not prepared to see how things worked. My illusions about reality were shattered. And I was still fully “me”, so I didn’t have the security blanket that ego-loss often provides. As I was witnessing these things, I thought “Having seen what I’ve seen, there’s no way I’ll ever be able to return without going completely insane.” There were moments where I was convinced that I had gone too far, and that I wouldn’t be going back.
At one point I felt like I had breached the boundary between our everyday reality and the reality I was in. I felt that there was no going back because there was nothing to go back to – reality had been consumed.
After an indeterminately long period of time, as the effects were already waning, I realized that I often forget many of the details of my DMT experiences (at this point they were all horribly still in mind). This thought was my salvation, and gradually what I saw faded into the background. I was never more grateful for forgetting. Thank God for forgetfulness!
Coming Back
As the trip was fading and sense of my body was restored, I wanted to open my eyes, just to make sure that I was back. I hesitated – I was afraid to open my eyes because I thought I might still be in the “other” reality. Eventually I gathered the courage and took a peek, and realized, with great relief, that I was back. It had been about 15 minutes.
Oddly enough, I didn’t feel any residual fear or terror or trauma. I felt very calm and, other than the relief at making it back, felt emotionally flat. I felt like I had been through some sort of “cosmic electroshock therapy”. I had a mild headache, which is unusual.
Thoughts
I never felt a malicious or evil intent with respect to what I was shown, but there was most definitely a cold indifference. But I also feel that I was shown these things for a reason. I don’t know.
Here’s what I’ve concluded: There is knowledge that we, as living human beings, are not prepared to know. There are things we can’t handle. Had I remembered all that I had seen in it’s full beautiful horrible detail, I’m certain that I’d have been shipped off to the psych ward first thing this morning.
I’ve never been so happy to forget.
