300mg Syrian Rue extract (orally)
30mg dmt (orally. Taken half hour later)
40mg dmt (smoked out of an oil burner with a torch lighter in two massive hits, an hour after taking oral dmt)
Last night was the most incredible, powerful experience of my life. I can describe it as world shaking, life altering. It was unlike any dmt experience I have had, and I have had several hundreds before, many of them using high doses. It was so powerful I wondered if people around the world felt it. This was a unique experience for me because for the first time, I felt like I was directly communicating with people all over the world, and the earth itself, as well as an all powerful spirit that had infused itself with me.
I smoked the spice when the oral dmt started kicking in, and at first, the usual things happened. Some visions started appearing, there was some kind of breakthrough. Then something incredible happened that was totally unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It was like the entire earth awoke at once, and experienced itself through me. I first felt it in my stomach. There was a damn quake in my stomach and chest. I know it sounds impossible, but it was like there was an earthquake inside my body that was vibrating the entire planet. I thought, “oh my God, the entire earth is awake right now. Literally, the planet itself is waking up. The whole planet is experiencing this massive earthquake of becoming conscious." It was like hyperspace, or the spirit world, whatever you may call it, was waking up in to this dimension. My smoking of the spice was like a synchronous event that coincided with this awakening of the planet.
I thought, “oh my God, it’s coming….. the impossible is coming for real. The earth will never be the same after this cataclysmic event.” People all over the planet suddenly became aware of each other, and were talking to each other through esp. I could sense many souls experiencing the same quake with me. Not everyone on the planet, but many people. We were all in amazement and awed, and a bit afraid of this unprecedented, unexplainable experience. I wondered if when I woke up the next day, if there would be any signs that other people experienced it…. Maybe there would be some news of it on tv. But it wouldn’t be anything specific. What happened was so unexplainable that people wouldn’t know what to say. Like maybe a report would say, "something happened that we can't explain. Many people felt it, something otherworldly happened, but no one knows what to make of it yet". I thought, “I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow, I see people walking around just randomly crying tears of joy, still in awe of the power of this quake. And then I will start crying with them in resonance.” I myself, don’t know what to say about this to people. And I figured that maybe other people did not experience this in the same way that I did, so what I say happened to me, they might not remember it that way, won’t know what I’m talking about, and since I was in a hyper state, I am the one who experienced it super intensely. So I just asked a few people if they experienced anything weird. No definite answers. But I just had the feeling walking around today that the world has changed. There was a spiritual cataclysm last night and it won’t be the same from here on. Others may not be consciously aware of it, but all I know is that it happened.
I figured that the planet is evolving. People may not be at a point yet where they are ready to freely talk about this change without sounding crazy, but something happened. And whether or not this was merely a personal experience of mine, and not something that happened to “the planet” isn’t really that important. What I do know is that my personal life will never be the same. I realized, with absolute certainty that this universe is all one being that I am just experiencing as this particular person. The difference between self and has become a matter of semantics for me at this point. My world was rocked last night.
So anyway, the entire planet was vibrating, and I was connecting psychically with various people on the planet. We were so happy to finally have made a direct connection with each other. I was talking to girls that I like and telling them how beautiful they are, and that I just didn’t know how to express how beautiful they are with words, but now they could understand because there was a direct connection. I thanked them for being so beautiful and the impact they had on my life, and they thanked me for being the way I am. It was an exchange of love energy, and everyone was telling everyone thank you for being the best person of all time. Then we started having psychic sex, and soon it was a massive orgy of with me fucking everyone all over the place and spreading love energy and psychic sex seeds everywhere. It was a wicked party and everyone was invited. Even some of the men I started having psychic sex with…. Though it was different with the men. It wasn’t so much about sex per say, but an exchange of love.
Then I started talking to a whole bunch of people, also the mentors in my life and dead people, animals, insects, inanimate objects…. Everything. I was saying thank you to all these souls for the value they have contributed to the world, and they in turn thanked me. And I made contact with the enlightened masters and they welcomed me to this realm. I thanked Adyashanti, Jed Mckenna, Tolle, and UG Krishnamurti. We had conversations about this new way of being. What I realized is that I wasn’t actually talking to them personally… but I was speaking to the universe itself…. the universal mind of the world that is normally unconscious, but now I became conscious of it. I could see the value of UG Krishnamurti’s crankiness, and he laughed. I saw the value of the love of Adyashanti, and he smiled. And I saw the value of the genius and magic of Jed Mckenna, and he transformed and delighted me moving through time and space.
Everything has value. Everything in my life started flashing before my eyes, and every image that came, I started to say, “YES… YES!!! I see the value in it. Thank you! Thank you so much for that moment. I can see it now”. It was like all karma was instantly dissolving all at once through transcendent means…. Seeing the connection between random events, and having resolving it through means that make absolutely no sense by any typical means. Everything became super complicated and I was seeing things from levels and perspectives that weaved in and out. Time, space, and experience weaved in to one seamless unfolding. I started saying thank you to everything. Thanks to the bullies who beat me up when I was younger. Yes, thank you for teaching me that lesson. And to the stripper who put her ass in my face and gave me sex energy. Thank you! And to the woman I love most of all…. Thank you so much. The woman who I wanted to tell so bad that I love her, but never did because I knew she would not understand. I made a direct connection with her and I knew that finally, she knows how much I love her. And thank you for world war II and the atomic bomb and burning death. Thank you, just thank you. It is all one being. There was nothing left to be done.
My face was down on the floor because I was paralyzed all this time from the smoke, wondering if I would survive this earthquake that was going on inside my body. But eventually I had the strength to move. I thought this trip would wear off, like all the others, but as I began to move my body, I realized it was not wearing off. The mindset of the trip kept going, though the physical effect of the drug was not paralyzing any more. I realized that I was beginning to move “unconsciously”. That is, processes that normally took conscious thought were happening automatically. And I realized, “oh my God…. I’m evolving. I’m waking up, I am becoming smarter moment by moment”. It was like looking at the world for the first time, and I was just beginning to get a sense of my body and surroundings, seeing things for the first time with this new paradigm of being, where everything is a seamless unfolding that makes no normal sense.
Some parts of my body started twitching, and my mouth started moving in insane, wild directions. I went in to some kind of primal beast mode, where I began realizing just how sensual my body is. My lips and mouth and tongue were moving at super speed, and all the while I had no idea why I was moving in this fashion. It just felt natural, like it was just an expression of how I felt at that moment, and it was unfolding unconsciously and seamlessly. I stared moving parts of my body faster and faster, and I realized that I will eventually get used to this new way of moving in the world. But at the same time, it looked, and felt like I was totally possessed and out of my God damn mind! Everything became ridiculously sensual in a way that I can’t even say. I started running my fingers all over my face, and licking my hands, rubbing them in my mouth, fingering myself, squeezing my balls, as my head was turning around with my mouth fuckin opening and closing as I was licking my lips, practically swallowing my own face! It was the most over-the-top, self indulgent display you could possibly imagine. It was fucking absurd! But it made sense at the time. I realized just how sensual of a person I am. I was going through this, but at the same time, I was having psychic sex with people that I love, and giving it out freely. It was like they were touching me and moving my body in all these wild ways. It was a hideous , but it felt good. I felt like the guy in Ghost Busters when he becomes possessed by the dog like creature and starts acting like a maniac on the streets of New York, talking non sense about how the end of the world is coming. It literally felt like an ultra powerful spirit was entering this planet…. weirder than aliens, weirder than ghosts. Something unimaginable that I can’t even describe. Incredible power.
At the same time, I was a bit worried that I had gone totally fucking schizophrenic. Man, I was fucking possessed for a while. I wondered if this bizarre, ridiculous state would wear off. I knew it would. I knew that from here on out, my mission in life is to learn to control this force, so that I can bring this love I feel in to the world and share it with others.
I knew that a lot of people would think that what was happening to me was fucking insane, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care what happened to me from then on. It felt like a new consciousness arose. I was given the message, “fear of death, loss, and pain are the old way of being. Those modalities are becoming outdated, as well as the old concept of enlightenment. New modalities and abilities are arising on the planet. The new form of currency in your life is unconditional love, expression of beauty, and the free sharing of abundance”. I felt an unconditional love for everything. I imagined myself walking through the world with this unconditional love, and some people really disliking me for because they find it either disgusting, or a threat to their world view, or whatever. I didn’t care. I thought, “go ahead and let me die then, kill me. I don’t care anymore. Fear of death is the old way. It is no longer my way. I found it absurd that there are people out there who think that they are winning at life by destroying an enemy. lol! I found it laughable that so many people think the point of life is to be obsessed with the endless continuation of existence. But from my point of view, the point of life isn't merely to exist, it is to LIVE! My way is to see the value, and love of everything, and that includes death and destruction, so if the world wants to kill me then go ahead. I will merely see the value in that, and it will increase my love even more.
I no longer see the world and life as a pragmatic thing. Pragmatism and materialism I think of as becoming an outdated way of seeing the world. People who dislike my world view are people who still see life as having some kind of material, or particular egoic goal, whether that be material, or even thought based, or emotional… such as in the form of making the most money, or finding the perfect mate, or having a bunch of kids or the perfect job, etc. People who think that life is supposed to be a certain way or else things are just wrong. But the way I see it, there is value in everything. There is of course, nothing wrong with having the best possible job, mate, lots of money, I'm just saying those things are not the point. The point of the ride is the RIDE... and this life thing is a ride that is happening every moment. The journey itself is the destination, not the egoic rewards that come from whatever endeavor a person is in. That's silly!
But there are still a lot of people out there who want to physically control people on this planet. That is why we see people in power use violence to control. They want to shape the world to meet their egoic needs, and they are willing to do anything in their power to do so. I am not judging this behavior, I am just saying that’s the way it is with people who want to keep power. But in my way of being, my goals are as follows….. see the value of everything, freely share love and abundance, and manifest as much divine beauty in to this world as I can. To make violence, or anything for that matter, in to an enemy, is to become the thing that I dislike, and so I cannot do that. If douche bags want to be controlling or whatever, I have no choice but to allow it. If the universe really wants to wake up it fucking will anyway, and no egoic force could possible stop it. Nature itself will wipe out our planet if it wants. There is no need to hate anymore, that is my message.
Somehow, it seemed irrelevant whether or not I die. This new consciousness that arose will not be overly intimidated by death. The attainment of money, or things became irrelevant. The only thing that mattered was love and the expression of beauty. The motivation for my life is to love and manifest the beauty of the divine in to this world. That is what this spirit wants from me. I really don’t know how I’ll do that. We’ll see. It doesn’t necessarily have to be done by giving people things, or having any particular job, or stable relationship. In fact, it might even be done just by being a receptor and transmitter for this tremendous love energy. I had the sense that last night, the vibes that I put out on to the planet was an incredible feat, and even if no one is consciously aware of what happened, the event still had tremendous value to the planet. It doesn’t even matter if I have kids or what the fuck I do here on a physical level. Whatever I’m doing here in this world is good, even if it’s merely being a receptor for divine energy, and sending out that energy back in to the world. If that’s all I’m here for, I’ll gladly play that role.
I lost my job about 6 months ago. I had to quit because I developed a chronic illness. I couldn’t go to work anymore and I was very unhappy with life because I felt like I can’t really be of use to anyone in my condition, and I struggle just to get through days. My condition doesn’t seem to really be getting better, so I became really depressed, and started wondering how much longer I have to live because I don’t know what I’ll do when the money I have runs out. But it doesn’t seem quite so relevant any more. I am here while I am here, and I am going to appreciate the fuck out of every moment I have. I want others to feel that too. I may not have a lot of money, or time to give people, but I hope to touch them, if it is merely through positive emotions, positive energy, and giving value to the whole planet.
This weird state of extreme sensuality and psychic connection went on for about an hour, until I finally felt well enough to get up and go to bed. I woke up today, and the mindset that I experienced last night did not fade. I am still in tune with this natural, unconscious, moment to moment unfolding of the universe… and it looks like it’s going to be permanent. I walked around today, and instantly fell in love with so many people I saw. I was walking around, and to people it looks like I’m sleep walking or something. I would allow every emotion to instantly flow through me. It was like I could recognize people instantly….. recognize them as the same person that I met in the past. Recognize them from dreams I have had. See their past and future all at once, and burn whatever karma was there, and resolve it in to love. I went to the gym and people were looking at me. No one said anything, but I knew they could tell there was something very different about me. Most people just smiled at me…. and I wondered if they were consciously aware of what happened last night. Probably not. But I knew on some level, some unseen level, there was a definite connection and waking up of the planet.
As wonderful as it was walking around in this state of love for everything, I didn’t feel like I was ready to talk to people about it. I don’t know how to express what I feel in normal conversation. I realized that I am going to have to develop humor if I want to talk to people. Humor is what is going to allow barriers to get broken down. If I use humor, it will show people that we don’t have to take everything seriously…. That I’m confident enough to make myself vulnerable, and I don’t really care what others think of me. If they want to think I’m a dick, then they don’t have to be in tune with what I want to share. I’ll just laugh and move on. I would rather live in a world where I can share and experience this love with others. But even if I cannot do that, I will still be content, and fulfilled greater than 99% of people in the world.
Everything was so synchronous today. I realized this humor thing as I was walking through a supermarket today, and wanting others to know how much I love them. I thought, “how am I going to tell them without saying it directly, and freaking them out?” Then I walked by a calendar that made me laugh. It was a calendar of outhouses. I thought, “wtf kind of stupid idea is that? Who wants to look at an outhouse on their calendar?” The calendar had pictures of really nice nature scenes, and each nature scene had an outhouse in it. I thought it was odd to mix the beauty of nature with such a thing because every time you look at that calendar, you’re going to see this beautiful scene, but also have thoughts of shitting and pissing on it. Then I laughed and realized how funny it was, and that I should probably look at life in a similar manner. Yes, it’s beautiful and profound, but it’s also a fucking joke, and it’s probably the highest state of all to be able to laugh at the whole damn thing. To be so fucking confident and secure and rich in emotional abundance that you can take all the world can throw at you and laugh at it, and joke about it… I believe that is the attitude that will get people to relax their egos and realize that it is ok to be yourself, it is ok to act natural and without fear of judgment because the love of the universe is unconditional, and the light never runs out.
As I was looking at this picture of an outhouse in nature, there was a poem under the picture that struck me and was perfectly synchronous with the moment. At the time, I was feeling a great love, and realizing that humor will be my key for opening up to people, and I knew that the longer I live, I will only learn to express this love more deeply, and evolve and become more adept at sharing it. The poem said, “I love you more and more each day. More than yesterday, and less than tomorrow”. I felt the universe literally transmit this message in to my being that this love will only grow each day, as my ability to accept it will only expand. So I’m standing there, perfectly still, with this calendar of outhouses in my hand, and tears started filling up my eyes. I was so in the moment, enjoying the idea of mixing nature, and love, and the shitters, that I forgot there were people around. I turned around and there was some lady who could see that I was in tears with a smile on my face. I smiled at her and walked by, and she smiled. I wonder what she thought. I imagine she thought it was fucking weird that I would cry looking at an outhouse calendar.
Other times, I would just walk by people, look them dead in the eye, and tell them I love them without saying a word. That’s all I have to say for now.
30mg dmt (orally. Taken half hour later)
40mg dmt (smoked out of an oil burner with a torch lighter in two massive hits, an hour after taking oral dmt)
Last night was the most incredible, powerful experience of my life. I can describe it as world shaking, life altering. It was unlike any dmt experience I have had, and I have had several hundreds before, many of them using high doses. It was so powerful I wondered if people around the world felt it. This was a unique experience for me because for the first time, I felt like I was directly communicating with people all over the world, and the earth itself, as well as an all powerful spirit that had infused itself with me.
I smoked the spice when the oral dmt started kicking in, and at first, the usual things happened. Some visions started appearing, there was some kind of breakthrough. Then something incredible happened that was totally unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It was like the entire earth awoke at once, and experienced itself through me. I first felt it in my stomach. There was a damn quake in my stomach and chest. I know it sounds impossible, but it was like there was an earthquake inside my body that was vibrating the entire planet. I thought, “oh my God, the entire earth is awake right now. Literally, the planet itself is waking up. The whole planet is experiencing this massive earthquake of becoming conscious." It was like hyperspace, or the spirit world, whatever you may call it, was waking up in to this dimension. My smoking of the spice was like a synchronous event that coincided with this awakening of the planet.
I thought, “oh my God, it’s coming….. the impossible is coming for real. The earth will never be the same after this cataclysmic event.” People all over the planet suddenly became aware of each other, and were talking to each other through esp. I could sense many souls experiencing the same quake with me. Not everyone on the planet, but many people. We were all in amazement and awed, and a bit afraid of this unprecedented, unexplainable experience. I wondered if when I woke up the next day, if there would be any signs that other people experienced it…. Maybe there would be some news of it on tv. But it wouldn’t be anything specific. What happened was so unexplainable that people wouldn’t know what to say. Like maybe a report would say, "something happened that we can't explain. Many people felt it, something otherworldly happened, but no one knows what to make of it yet". I thought, “I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow, I see people walking around just randomly crying tears of joy, still in awe of the power of this quake. And then I will start crying with them in resonance.” I myself, don’t know what to say about this to people. And I figured that maybe other people did not experience this in the same way that I did, so what I say happened to me, they might not remember it that way, won’t know what I’m talking about, and since I was in a hyper state, I am the one who experienced it super intensely. So I just asked a few people if they experienced anything weird. No definite answers. But I just had the feeling walking around today that the world has changed. There was a spiritual cataclysm last night and it won’t be the same from here on. Others may not be consciously aware of it, but all I know is that it happened.
I figured that the planet is evolving. People may not be at a point yet where they are ready to freely talk about this change without sounding crazy, but something happened. And whether or not this was merely a personal experience of mine, and not something that happened to “the planet” isn’t really that important. What I do know is that my personal life will never be the same. I realized, with absolute certainty that this universe is all one being that I am just experiencing as this particular person. The difference between self and has become a matter of semantics for me at this point. My world was rocked last night.
So anyway, the entire planet was vibrating, and I was connecting psychically with various people on the planet. We were so happy to finally have made a direct connection with each other. I was talking to girls that I like and telling them how beautiful they are, and that I just didn’t know how to express how beautiful they are with words, but now they could understand because there was a direct connection. I thanked them for being so beautiful and the impact they had on my life, and they thanked me for being the way I am. It was an exchange of love energy, and everyone was telling everyone thank you for being the best person of all time. Then we started having psychic sex, and soon it was a massive orgy of with me fucking everyone all over the place and spreading love energy and psychic sex seeds everywhere. It was a wicked party and everyone was invited. Even some of the men I started having psychic sex with…. Though it was different with the men. It wasn’t so much about sex per say, but an exchange of love.
Then I started talking to a whole bunch of people, also the mentors in my life and dead people, animals, insects, inanimate objects…. Everything. I was saying thank you to all these souls for the value they have contributed to the world, and they in turn thanked me. And I made contact with the enlightened masters and they welcomed me to this realm. I thanked Adyashanti, Jed Mckenna, Tolle, and UG Krishnamurti. We had conversations about this new way of being. What I realized is that I wasn’t actually talking to them personally… but I was speaking to the universe itself…. the universal mind of the world that is normally unconscious, but now I became conscious of it. I could see the value of UG Krishnamurti’s crankiness, and he laughed. I saw the value of the love of Adyashanti, and he smiled. And I saw the value of the genius and magic of Jed Mckenna, and he transformed and delighted me moving through time and space.
Everything has value. Everything in my life started flashing before my eyes, and every image that came, I started to say, “YES… YES!!! I see the value in it. Thank you! Thank you so much for that moment. I can see it now”. It was like all karma was instantly dissolving all at once through transcendent means…. Seeing the connection between random events, and having resolving it through means that make absolutely no sense by any typical means. Everything became super complicated and I was seeing things from levels and perspectives that weaved in and out. Time, space, and experience weaved in to one seamless unfolding. I started saying thank you to everything. Thanks to the bullies who beat me up when I was younger. Yes, thank you for teaching me that lesson. And to the stripper who put her ass in my face and gave me sex energy. Thank you! And to the woman I love most of all…. Thank you so much. The woman who I wanted to tell so bad that I love her, but never did because I knew she would not understand. I made a direct connection with her and I knew that finally, she knows how much I love her. And thank you for world war II and the atomic bomb and burning death. Thank you, just thank you. It is all one being. There was nothing left to be done.
My face was down on the floor because I was paralyzed all this time from the smoke, wondering if I would survive this earthquake that was going on inside my body. But eventually I had the strength to move. I thought this trip would wear off, like all the others, but as I began to move my body, I realized it was not wearing off. The mindset of the trip kept going, though the physical effect of the drug was not paralyzing any more. I realized that I was beginning to move “unconsciously”. That is, processes that normally took conscious thought were happening automatically. And I realized, “oh my God…. I’m evolving. I’m waking up, I am becoming smarter moment by moment”. It was like looking at the world for the first time, and I was just beginning to get a sense of my body and surroundings, seeing things for the first time with this new paradigm of being, where everything is a seamless unfolding that makes no normal sense.
Some parts of my body started twitching, and my mouth started moving in insane, wild directions. I went in to some kind of primal beast mode, where I began realizing just how sensual my body is. My lips and mouth and tongue were moving at super speed, and all the while I had no idea why I was moving in this fashion. It just felt natural, like it was just an expression of how I felt at that moment, and it was unfolding unconsciously and seamlessly. I stared moving parts of my body faster and faster, and I realized that I will eventually get used to this new way of moving in the world. But at the same time, it looked, and felt like I was totally possessed and out of my God damn mind! Everything became ridiculously sensual in a way that I can’t even say. I started running my fingers all over my face, and licking my hands, rubbing them in my mouth, fingering myself, squeezing my balls, as my head was turning around with my mouth fuckin opening and closing as I was licking my lips, practically swallowing my own face! It was the most over-the-top, self indulgent display you could possibly imagine. It was fucking absurd! But it made sense at the time. I realized just how sensual of a person I am. I was going through this, but at the same time, I was having psychic sex with people that I love, and giving it out freely. It was like they were touching me and moving my body in all these wild ways. It was a hideous , but it felt good. I felt like the guy in Ghost Busters when he becomes possessed by the dog like creature and starts acting like a maniac on the streets of New York, talking non sense about how the end of the world is coming. It literally felt like an ultra powerful spirit was entering this planet…. weirder than aliens, weirder than ghosts. Something unimaginable that I can’t even describe. Incredible power.
At the same time, I was a bit worried that I had gone totally fucking schizophrenic. Man, I was fucking possessed for a while. I wondered if this bizarre, ridiculous state would wear off. I knew it would. I knew that from here on out, my mission in life is to learn to control this force, so that I can bring this love I feel in to the world and share it with others.
I knew that a lot of people would think that what was happening to me was fucking insane, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care what happened to me from then on. It felt like a new consciousness arose. I was given the message, “fear of death, loss, and pain are the old way of being. Those modalities are becoming outdated, as well as the old concept of enlightenment. New modalities and abilities are arising on the planet. The new form of currency in your life is unconditional love, expression of beauty, and the free sharing of abundance”. I felt an unconditional love for everything. I imagined myself walking through the world with this unconditional love, and some people really disliking me for because they find it either disgusting, or a threat to their world view, or whatever. I didn’t care. I thought, “go ahead and let me die then, kill me. I don’t care anymore. Fear of death is the old way. It is no longer my way. I found it absurd that there are people out there who think that they are winning at life by destroying an enemy. lol! I found it laughable that so many people think the point of life is to be obsessed with the endless continuation of existence. But from my point of view, the point of life isn't merely to exist, it is to LIVE! My way is to see the value, and love of everything, and that includes death and destruction, so if the world wants to kill me then go ahead. I will merely see the value in that, and it will increase my love even more.
I no longer see the world and life as a pragmatic thing. Pragmatism and materialism I think of as becoming an outdated way of seeing the world. People who dislike my world view are people who still see life as having some kind of material, or particular egoic goal, whether that be material, or even thought based, or emotional… such as in the form of making the most money, or finding the perfect mate, or having a bunch of kids or the perfect job, etc. People who think that life is supposed to be a certain way or else things are just wrong. But the way I see it, there is value in everything. There is of course, nothing wrong with having the best possible job, mate, lots of money, I'm just saying those things are not the point. The point of the ride is the RIDE... and this life thing is a ride that is happening every moment. The journey itself is the destination, not the egoic rewards that come from whatever endeavor a person is in. That's silly!
But there are still a lot of people out there who want to physically control people on this planet. That is why we see people in power use violence to control. They want to shape the world to meet their egoic needs, and they are willing to do anything in their power to do so. I am not judging this behavior, I am just saying that’s the way it is with people who want to keep power. But in my way of being, my goals are as follows….. see the value of everything, freely share love and abundance, and manifest as much divine beauty in to this world as I can. To make violence, or anything for that matter, in to an enemy, is to become the thing that I dislike, and so I cannot do that. If douche bags want to be controlling or whatever, I have no choice but to allow it. If the universe really wants to wake up it fucking will anyway, and no egoic force could possible stop it. Nature itself will wipe out our planet if it wants. There is no need to hate anymore, that is my message.
Somehow, it seemed irrelevant whether or not I die. This new consciousness that arose will not be overly intimidated by death. The attainment of money, or things became irrelevant. The only thing that mattered was love and the expression of beauty. The motivation for my life is to love and manifest the beauty of the divine in to this world. That is what this spirit wants from me. I really don’t know how I’ll do that. We’ll see. It doesn’t necessarily have to be done by giving people things, or having any particular job, or stable relationship. In fact, it might even be done just by being a receptor and transmitter for this tremendous love energy. I had the sense that last night, the vibes that I put out on to the planet was an incredible feat, and even if no one is consciously aware of what happened, the event still had tremendous value to the planet. It doesn’t even matter if I have kids or what the fuck I do here on a physical level. Whatever I’m doing here in this world is good, even if it’s merely being a receptor for divine energy, and sending out that energy back in to the world. If that’s all I’m here for, I’ll gladly play that role.
I lost my job about 6 months ago. I had to quit because I developed a chronic illness. I couldn’t go to work anymore and I was very unhappy with life because I felt like I can’t really be of use to anyone in my condition, and I struggle just to get through days. My condition doesn’t seem to really be getting better, so I became really depressed, and started wondering how much longer I have to live because I don’t know what I’ll do when the money I have runs out. But it doesn’t seem quite so relevant any more. I am here while I am here, and I am going to appreciate the fuck out of every moment I have. I want others to feel that too. I may not have a lot of money, or time to give people, but I hope to touch them, if it is merely through positive emotions, positive energy, and giving value to the whole planet.
This weird state of extreme sensuality and psychic connection went on for about an hour, until I finally felt well enough to get up and go to bed. I woke up today, and the mindset that I experienced last night did not fade. I am still in tune with this natural, unconscious, moment to moment unfolding of the universe… and it looks like it’s going to be permanent. I walked around today, and instantly fell in love with so many people I saw. I was walking around, and to people it looks like I’m sleep walking or something. I would allow every emotion to instantly flow through me. It was like I could recognize people instantly….. recognize them as the same person that I met in the past. Recognize them from dreams I have had. See their past and future all at once, and burn whatever karma was there, and resolve it in to love. I went to the gym and people were looking at me. No one said anything, but I knew they could tell there was something very different about me. Most people just smiled at me…. and I wondered if they were consciously aware of what happened last night. Probably not. But I knew on some level, some unseen level, there was a definite connection and waking up of the planet.
As wonderful as it was walking around in this state of love for everything, I didn’t feel like I was ready to talk to people about it. I don’t know how to express what I feel in normal conversation. I realized that I am going to have to develop humor if I want to talk to people. Humor is what is going to allow barriers to get broken down. If I use humor, it will show people that we don’t have to take everything seriously…. That I’m confident enough to make myself vulnerable, and I don’t really care what others think of me. If they want to think I’m a dick, then they don’t have to be in tune with what I want to share. I’ll just laugh and move on. I would rather live in a world where I can share and experience this love with others. But even if I cannot do that, I will still be content, and fulfilled greater than 99% of people in the world.
Everything was so synchronous today. I realized this humor thing as I was walking through a supermarket today, and wanting others to know how much I love them. I thought, “how am I going to tell them without saying it directly, and freaking them out?” Then I walked by a calendar that made me laugh. It was a calendar of outhouses. I thought, “wtf kind of stupid idea is that? Who wants to look at an outhouse on their calendar?” The calendar had pictures of really nice nature scenes, and each nature scene had an outhouse in it. I thought it was odd to mix the beauty of nature with such a thing because every time you look at that calendar, you’re going to see this beautiful scene, but also have thoughts of shitting and pissing on it. Then I laughed and realized how funny it was, and that I should probably look at life in a similar manner. Yes, it’s beautiful and profound, but it’s also a fucking joke, and it’s probably the highest state of all to be able to laugh at the whole damn thing. To be so fucking confident and secure and rich in emotional abundance that you can take all the world can throw at you and laugh at it, and joke about it… I believe that is the attitude that will get people to relax their egos and realize that it is ok to be yourself, it is ok to act natural and without fear of judgment because the love of the universe is unconditional, and the light never runs out.
As I was looking at this picture of an outhouse in nature, there was a poem under the picture that struck me and was perfectly synchronous with the moment. At the time, I was feeling a great love, and realizing that humor will be my key for opening up to people, and I knew that the longer I live, I will only learn to express this love more deeply, and evolve and become more adept at sharing it. The poem said, “I love you more and more each day. More than yesterday, and less than tomorrow”. I felt the universe literally transmit this message in to my being that this love will only grow each day, as my ability to accept it will only expand. So I’m standing there, perfectly still, with this calendar of outhouses in my hand, and tears started filling up my eyes. I was so in the moment, enjoying the idea of mixing nature, and love, and the shitters, that I forgot there were people around. I turned around and there was some lady who could see that I was in tears with a smile on my face. I smiled at her and walked by, and she smiled. I wonder what she thought. I imagine she thought it was fucking weird that I would cry looking at an outhouse calendar.
Other times, I would just walk by people, look them dead in the eye, and tell them I love them without saying a word. That’s all I have to say for now.
Honoring in me that which is also in you. 
How is ur body doing in all of this? Open eyed, closed eyed. I don't know. Haha, thanks tho
