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The Ethics of an Open Relationship

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JDSalinger

JDSalinger

Rising Star
Hello, I am looking forward to hearing peoples opinions regarding the matter, I am living in a monogamist relationship and have been for over a decade. Recently we have been discussing the merits of an open relationship. It came about a coupe of weeks ago on LSD when we were discussing sex as merely being another physical desire of the body, such as eating; we saw it had nothing to do with our spiritual beings and the bond we have for each other.

It is something which I would be open to but for the right reasons, such as I can smoke meth but I refrain form doing so because I do not believe it is healthy, on a physical level and spiritual. Just because I can have sex with others does not mean I do it, because I am in a committed relationship.

I feel love for many people, male and female and to deny that there is a sexual attraction I have for others would be to lie to myself. I believe my body is a vessel, it is temporary, yet it has physical needs which while on this earth I need to look after, food, shelter, companionship and sex. Would staying in a monogamist relationship be starving my body of one of its basic desires?

It is strange because I hardly if ever watch porn now, and masturbate less frequently and get more out of sex when I have it. I feel 'healthier' sexually than I ever have before and wonder if my new views on relationships are a result of this? I see sex with somebody you love as a greater expression of sharing, that is possibly not limited to only one person.

I am stuck because I do not know if it would be a good healthy thing to do, or if I would be succumbing to the mind and the body?

Also I am a Christian, yet am in no way orthodox (I believe the bible has many things in it which were cultural customs of the day and are now irrelevant e.g. homosexuality), would this be in direct conflict with my beliefs?

I realise that within the frames of 'open relationship' my partner and I must set rules and boundaries that we feel comfortable with. Any input on the matter is greatly appreciated especially from any on here which are in/have tried polyamory.

Love :)
 
Hey JD, I'm a monogamous person myself but there was a thread by Endlessness back in June of last year that I bet you would find very interesting and on par with what you are seeking:

Polyamory

:)
 
I think sex is more then physical. It is emotional, mental, and in my opinion also very spiritual.

Interesting factoid? Women keep the DNA of every partner that has come inside of them in their brain. Weird huh? DNA From Sperm Of Ex Partners Lingers In Female Flies And Influences The Genetics Of Her Offspring

I know many people who are poly - many of my friends have multiple partners. I can only think of 2 couples it seems to work well for long-term.... The rest seem to have lots of excitement and lots of drama related to being poly. Most of the poly people I know dont have long lasting relationships beyond a few years, or if they do they seem to argue a lot about sex and jealousy type things.... (that may be okay for them as well - not everyone needs to stay in one relationship long-term)

I do know one couple who has been married 45 years and is poly and seem to have no issues related to this. So I know it can work for some people - I just think it is a much harder relationship model to make work long-term.

I used to date a lot of people at once.... I have only been with my wife for the last 5 and a half years though and I at the moment have no interest in being poly. To me the most exciting romance in the world is being so into one person that you dont need anyone else.... I love the feeling of intensely loving my wife so much that I dont need anyone else to sexually please me.... And honestly - she wants to have sex all the time so I really dont need any more sex to be fulfilled in that area. I've slept with plenty of other people before in my past - and it was never as good as what I have with my wife.... So I would really rather just keep having the best sex and romance instead of having it with more people who I am not into as much.

Sure, I see other sexy people sometimes. I may wonder what it would be like with them. But there are lots of urges I see around me which I dont act on - I dont always eat every bowl of ice cream I see. Sure, ice cream is good and I would enjoy it temporarily, but then afterwards I would feel sick if I ate each bowl - too much sugar and dairy ect.... I would rather just eat the ice cream that I am really excited about and not over-do it.

I think for other people a poly relationship might be awesome. I dont think it is for me though. I am already so happy with what I have.
 
ive always been poly and bi.

anyone interested need to gets with the program,
or quit casting shadows on a spot real lovers stand in.

im always happy with what ive got,
ecstatic if they have a twin.
 
The key to having an open relationship is something called 'compersion.'

It's not a widely-used word in the US (no surprise here), but it refers to a feeling that is the opposite of envy. It's being happy for someone when they have something, not desiring it yourself.

If you're poly, or in an open relationship, and you discover that your partner has been sleeping with someone else, the healthy response should be one of happiness that someone you love has found something that fills whatever needs you can't. That is compersion.

If you think that such a response is a natural one for you, I think an open relationship could be really good. If that sounds impossible (or like wishy-washy hippy nonsense), then forget it, it will probably end up driving you mad.

As a culture, we don't really 'do' compersion in a serious way (probably because it is completely antithetical to American Capitalism), but the world would probably be a better place if we centered it in our emotional education more.

Blessings
~ND
 
travsha said:
Interesting factoid? Women keep the DNA of every partner that has come inside of them in their brain. Weird huh? DNA From Sperm Of Ex Partners Lingers In Female Flies And Influences The Genetics Of Her Offspring
Click to expand...

Whoa whoa whoa - that's about flies, not humans. :lol: It says there is no evidence of this occurring in humans, but there also hasn't been any research done on it - so it's possible, but definitely unknown.

On another note, congrats on what sounds like a wonderful healthy relationship and life experience. :)


I'm definitely open to polyamory but don't have any experience with it. I really enjoyed reading endlessness' thread on the subject, and I'm enjoying this one too. So keep at it ya'll - I don't think I'm qualified to add anything else to this thread at this point so peace! 😉
 
Me and my wife who I have been with for 5 years total, married since September, have been experimenting with an open relationship. The most important factor in it working is communication. Neither of us do anything without talking to the other one first and getting permission. We also have some basic ground rules set, which will vary from couple to couple who do these types of things.

So far we have had two experiences where we added a third person to the bedroom, one time a female and the other time a male. Both were great experiences and we had a great time. Nothing bad came from it between me and the wife. The guy who joined us is actually a good friend of both of ours, and is still my best friend. I have even let him do things with the wife on his own once.

I am someone who finds satisfaction in pleasing my wife though, and if that means her experimenting with other people then so be it. It's honestly kind of a turn on for me, and it results in her coming to me afterwards and we have amazingly hot sex. So it works. I of course am free to do the same, and have sex with other women that she approves of, which is a turn on for her as well. I just have not found the right person for that yet, as it seems to be a lot easier for a married woman to get a guy to sleep with her then it is a married guy to get a woman to sleep with him.

So it is totally feasible if you are with the right person and it's something you are both interested in. Again, the key to it being successful is communication, between you and your significant other, and other potential partners.
If you go down the path of polyamory I hope you find it successful and rewarding.
 
DesykaLamgeenie said:
travsha said:
Interesting factoid? Women keep the DNA of every partner that has come inside of them in their brain. Weird huh? DNA From Sperm Of Ex Partners Lingers In Female Flies And Influences The Genetics Of Her Offspring
Click to expand...

Whoa whoa whoa - that's about flies, not humans. :lol: It says there is no evidence of this occurring in humans, but there also hasn't been any research done on it - so it's possible, but definitely unknown.
Click to expand...
Sorry, posted the wrong study. This one here specifically mentions a study performed on females who have never had sons but have male chromosomes in their blood. The study is not conclusive but is suggestive.
http://www.collective-evolution.com...wice-about-who-you-are-getting-into-bed-with/

http://www.amjmed.com/article/S0002-9343%2805%2900270-6/abstract
 
Thank you everyone for the lovely replies! It seems there can be some real positives and negatives with being poly. Strangely enough it was my partner who suggested the whole thing, she believes I should 'experience' more. We have a fantastic relationship and TBH I was/am very happy with only her as a sexual partner. I defiantly am open to anything that has a positive impact on our relationship and see plenty of benefits. I am not sure though if I am mature/secure enough for her to be seeing someone else while I am not, I think swinging would be a good way to get my head around it all. I like the sound of your relationship Gone-and-Back and I think communication and approval are key to making it work.

Again thanks for all the input, much love JD. :)
 
JDSalinger said:
I think swinging would be a good way to get my head around it all.
Click to expand...


gawd , dont be a swinger...........

i am a door girl for a swingers resort, main clubhouse.
i take the dimmest view of swingers.

just bust out with some dignity and screw who ya want.
no need for communism when you can have autocracy.
 
anne halonium said:
JDSalinger said:
I think swinging would be a good way to get my head around it all.
Click to expand...


gawd , dont be a swinger...........

i am a door girl for a swingers resort, main clubhouse.
i take the dimmest view of swingers.

just bust out with some dignity and screw who ya want.
no need for communism when you can have autocracy.
Click to expand...
Adding autocracy to your sex life seems like it could get consensually squicky very, very fast. Not impossible, but definitely a risk.

Why look down on anyone's sexual choices, so long as they're not harming anyone?

Blessings
~ND
 
anne halonium said:
gawd , dont be a swinger...........

i am a door girl for a swingers resort, main clubhouse.
i take the dimmest view of swingers.

just bust out with some dignity and screw who ya want.
no need for communism when you can have autocracy.
Click to expand...

Swinging is never something that tickled my fancy, but each to their own I guess, and I would shy away from a party specifically for swinging. It was more of a once off partner swap kinda thing I was thinking to test the waters.

I think communication is key, yeah I could sleep with lots of women and I am sure I have turned down a lot of opportunities in the past, but I wouldn't be with who I am with today if that was the case. I am happy with my partner because we connect on an emotional level, to me sex comes secondary.
 
I think its the approach we have towards sex. If we're just trying to gratify our primal needs, then open relationships work. If you want to go deeply into spirit and unison, then i think its worth exploring tantra as a togetherness with another individual whom you share a deep connection with, so that you can dive deeply into the experience and become extremely curious and understanding of the process, and fully get to know one another's sexuality.

What do you desire? Sex for pleasure, sex for growth, sex for what purpose, why do you even need sex?

There's something that lies beyond sexual unison which is the inner state of wholeness, the merging with the divine. Human beings on a physical plane can reach total unison in 3 dimensional realities through sexual intercourse as thats the nature of this reality, but you can go deeper and see sexual unison as just another disguise of desire.
 
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