The spice is unpredictable

[Teamleary]

Hey everybody,

I hope the title wasn't too misleading (that you didn't expect an amazing experience report) as I still haven't broken-through yet, but I wanted to share this as I'm really surprised as to how things went.

I have had my fair share of sub-BT : closing my eyes instantly and being sucked in spirals of geometric veils where I could feel (but not clearly see) entities leaning over me, sometimes touching my face etc.

I read a lot this week about my device (crafty vaporizer) and got to understand that I need to wait when the temperature is reached, as the pad might not be warm enough yet.

So this is how I approached this try. I knew I was gonna do it, so I planned my day accordingly. Ate well, didn't drink, thought about it, drank a bit of green tea, then began my ritual : cleaning my appartement with soft ambient music, taking a shower, thinking of what I'm looking for (today, I verbalized it as such : "I'm trying to increase my capacity to love" ). I meditated, as I always do. I was nervous, more nervous than usual (I'm pretty sure reading a ton of things here got me expecting stuff, and that made me a little more scared).

Also, for the first time, I really sprinkled the spice (30mg) on the pad, as one even layer.

Well, how surprised was I that I didn't get any visuals (apart from the just light hallucinations), didn't get sucked in the usual spirals. When it almost came, the visuals were blurry and I could feel a voice asking "are you ready?" and I remember thinking " I am, take me". But nothing happened. Also, I could feel something going on right over my head.

But for the first time, I had a very very bodily experience. I mean that I felt close to orgasm. Also, for the first time I felt something like "it's okay you didn't breathrough, next time maybe" when usually, I come down with a bit of frustration.

I loaded another 30mg from another batch, as I was full of confidence and freed from any kind of fear, but the same thing happened, basically.

I'm pretty sure it can't be a device thing, as I already went "higher" with that one, so I'm really surprised. Was it my wish? The green tea? My general brain-state of the day? Maybe the fear before pumped some adrenaline that kept me "here" ?

No idea!

Next time, changa.

Thank you all for your help. I can't wait for the day I'll write to tell the story of my first BT!

 

[FranLover]

Changa and full throtle. Toke till you get there. Stay safe! Be very watchful of all the contents of the mind

 

[Teamleary]

Changa and full throtle. Toke till you get there. Stay safe! Be very watchful of all the contents of the mind

Thanks Franlover, you've been helping me since the beginning!

Will keep you posted : )

 

[○]

Changa's a great route. A powerful method of admin'ing & potentiating dmt when made sufficiently. Even just enhanced leaf is great for admin'ing dmt.

I'd reckon that it'll be a decent step up from your vape.

Here's a good ratio that i've used over the years, you don't have to use it or anything, just figured i'd throw it up there:

-1g dmt
.500mg mullein flower (ground)
.500mg caapi leaf (ground)
.300-500mg harmala freebase

Also, some days the experience can be hard to flesh out (ime), and some days it's overbearingly strong. It's almost like the weather in a way (imo).

Just keep with it, keep at it. Persistence tends to pay off with this experience over the course of time, at least from what i've noticed over the years with it.

 

[SpaceGandalf]

Hi, I See a lot of similarities between what you have written and where I am at. I want to be completely upfront and honest about my intentions, I want to help you and others, and I can only do that by being totally honest. My own Position at the moment is that I do not want to use DMT, however I do still feel the pull and temptation to “know”. I DO NOT have a negative attitude towards psychedelics or drugs. However my experience with DMT and the memories of past psychedelic experiences that have since re-emerged are making me very wary. I do not want to contribute to the “negative thoughts” you mentioned, but I can only be open and honest in discussing this with you. Please be absolutely clear that I fully accept that my experiences could simply be my own personal head fuck or me getting the wrong end of the stick. However I am not the only person to have this kind of viewpoint and it is entirely plausible that opposing viewpoints could be delusional, misguided or naive. I am NOT going to try to persuade you to see things my way, I just want to discuss where YOU are at, to see if that helps you work things out for yourself - and might possibly help me.

First of all I want to commend you on is your preparatory ritual. This kind of practice is done from the Peruvian jungle to Jewish temples. I highly recommend you continue to do it. I cannot see how in any way it could be a bad thing to do. (I did exactly the same when using DMT)

I agree with you that this is not about method or technique. DMT on it’s own is more than capable of taking you all the way, as attested many times on the nexus and there are plenty who feel other substances inhibit DMT’s clarity. IMHO once you see that spiral it’s about something else wether or not you go further. If you read the material on the subject the term “letting go” is what is often used to describe what comes next - this is something I’d like to discuss.

Why you want to go “there”, what you think in yourself might hold you back from this, and what you think “there” might be?

What were the things that you read and why did they trouble you?

You felt you were asked “are you ready?” and you responded “I am, take me”; why do you think/feel this didn’t work?

Do you have any deeper thoughts on what “are you ready?” might mean?

Have you ever experienced a request when at the spiral before, and if so what are your thoughts on this?

What do you think “letting go” means and why might you resist this?

Finally can you give some details on your philosophical/spiritual background and where you are now regarding this?

 

[Teamleary]

Hi, I See a lot of similarities between what you have written and where I am at. I want to be completely upfront and honest about my intentions, I want to help you and others, and I can only do that by being totally honest. My own Position at the moment is that I do not want to use DMT, however I do still feel the pull and temptation to “know”. I DO NOT have a negative attitude towards psychedelics or drugs. However my experience with DMT and the memories of past psychedelic experiences that have since re-emerged are making me very wary. I do not want to contribute to the “negative thoughts” you mentioned, but I can only be open and honest in discussing this with you. Please be absolutely clear that I fully accept that my experiences could simply be my own personal head fuck or me getting the wrong end of the stick. However I am not the only person to have this kind of viewpoint and it is entirely plausible that opposing viewpoints could be delusional, misguided or naive. I am NOT going to try to persuade you to see things my way, I just want to discuss where YOU are at, to see if that helps you work things out for yourself - and might possibly help me.

First of all I want to commend you on is your preparatory ritual. This kind of practice is done from the Peruvian jungle to Jewish temples. I highly recommend you continue to do it. I cannot see how in any way it could be a bad thing to do. (I did exactly the same when using DMT)

I agree with you that this is not about method or technique. DMT on it’s own is more than capable of taking you all the way, as attested many times on the nexus and there are plenty who feel other substances inhibit DMT’s clarity. IMHO once you see that spiral it’s about something else wether or not you go further. If you read the material on the subject the term “letting go” is what is often used to describe what comes next - this is something I’d like to discuss.

Why you want to go “there”, what you think in yourself might hold you back from this, and what you think “there” might be?

What were the things that you read and why did they trouble you?

You felt you were asked “are you ready?” and you responded “I am, take me”; why do you think/feel this didn’t work?

Do you have any deeper thoughts on what “are you ready?” might mean?

Have you ever experienced a request when at the spiral before, and if so what are your thoughts on this?

What do you think “letting go” means and why might you resist this?

Finally can you give some details on your philosophical/spiritual background and where you are now regarding this?

SpaceGandalf, thank you so much for your answer. I take the time you took to be that thorough as a real privilege. So thank you again.

I totally understand your cautiousness and I feel comfortable enough to face all of your questions. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna start by the last of your questions to clarify what I mean by that. I'm a 33 years old philosophy teacher and poet. I've been fascinated with psychedelics and shamanism for years and thought "one day, my fear will be small enough that I can overcome it and try".

two years ago, I started to get into non-dualistic metaphysics, namely tantrism and zen buddhism. I started to meditate daily, and it literally changed my life. Every month I got happier and lighter.
This year, at some point, something inside me said "you're ready". So I took LSD. Started with small doses, then got to more serious ones. During two of my trips, I experimented the satori. Since then, I've been even calmer/happier/lighter. I became even more spiritual. I feel like I'm not afraid of dying anymore. My sentimental despair (I've been single for a decade) is gone. Everything's fine.

At the end of one trip, I remember thinking: "I know now, there's only one thing to do, it's to love everything, and to tell everyone that there's only love and nothing else."

And I've been thinking of Alan Watts famous quote "when you get the message, hang up the phone". And I plan on posting something here about it. Because "when is the message gotten?"

As Ram Dass would say, you always come down. I didn't come back down tho. I'm higher. But I get it now, I need to continue that process of "ego-killing" to increase my capacity to love. And I feel like it's what I'm supposed to do. What I want to do.


So, as for your other questions :

"Why you want to go “there”, what you think in yourself might hold you back from this, and what you think “there” might be?"

I want to go there because it feels natural. What holds me back might be the egotistic fear of losing myself. "There" is the place where I can be my true self.

"What were the things that you read and why did they trouble you?" Experience reports that were so incredible that I started to doubt I was ready to face them I guess.

"You felt you were asked “are you ready?” and you responded “I am, take me”; why do you think/feel this didn’t work?"
This I don't know. Maybe it was a conscious will?

"Do you have any deeper thoughts on what “are you ready?” might mean?"
I guess it means "do you really want it?" like "are you willing to let go things you're hooked on?" (beliefs namely)

"Have you ever experienced a request when at the spiral before, and if so what are your thoughts on this?"
yeah, I've felt they were asking me to come, and I remember thinking "but don't they know I can't do anything?"
and it was a very "absolute" "can't do anything", like "don't they know no one ever decides anything? that I'm a purely passive being?"

"What do you think “letting go” means and why might you resist this?"
I'm not really sure I do resist. I felt so much confidence. I wasn't scared. To me, "to let go" is to "accept whatever comes". And I felt I was accepting whatever would come.

Thank you again. I had a marvelous sub-BT tonight that I'm gonna post about in another thread if you wanna read it : )

 

[SpaceGandalf]

Thanks for the appreciation. I’m very glad to hear we have a philosophy teacher on the nexus - it’s what brought me here and I look forward to having discussions about it with you in the future.

First of all I want to check that you’re not on anti-depressants, as these can seriously inhibit DMT’s effects.

Secondly, when it comes to administration, I believe direct e-mesh is the best method. You can do 40mg+ easily in one clean smooth inhale, with 0 burnt off spice. (I mention this because of the issue you described in your new report).

Reading what you wrote I would reflect back to you that you seem to put it down to your “will”. On the one hand you talk about “ego” as though there is some inherent resistance to the experience. On the other hand there seems to be some doubt about “desire”, wether you want to do it or are ready to. Both of these are very much what most people talk about when describing “letting go”. It is sometimes described as being “like dying” - I do not think this is necessarily phrased in the right way to describe where you struggle with “letting go” (in my own experience it was also framed very differently too, but this was also very different from what you are coming up against)

“Ego” - as no doubt you are aware, this is the part of your consciousness that is “I am”, as in “I am eating food”. It is not the part of us directly involved with survival instincts, but it is still subject to these instincts. For many people losing that sense of “I am” (ego death) feels like dying. However, considering your previous psychedelic experiences, meditational practice and philosophical standpoint, it’s understandable that you would perceive it differently - that doesn’t make it easier to let go of though. Personally I would not take this as a bad thing, quite the opposite in fact. To me it would seem more a testament to the strength of your will. There are people who find themselves in depressed states or with long standing issues with addiction who perhaps don’t have that strength of Will to resist in the way you do. I can think of one longstanding psychedelic vlogger who has spoken openly about finding the process of “letting go” much easier when depressed. To command your conscious mind to let go is one thing, to do the same thing with your subconscious is another, especially when you have reservations.

“Desire” - do you really want it? Not the desire to have an incredible experience, but to “let go” of “you”, the “I am”. You said; “There" is the place where I can be my true self. To me that doesn’t sound like wanting to let go of “you” and instead sounds like trying to find “you”. (Here is a point where we’ll probably disagree philosophically - for me the “you” that exists with an ego experiencing things as the “I am” IS the real “you”). Holding onto the idea of “you” is not “letting go”, even if you are letting go of the you that is here for a transcendent you that is there. Perhaps this is not what you actually want or are ready for - which is okay, you’re 33, you’re young, you should still have most of your life ahead of you. It sounds like you’re trying to rush towards this, perhaps you should try slowing down and think about what it is, what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it, in a deeper way.

I believe there are methods that can make “letting go” easier. Indeed you might be able to bypass your “Will” entirely. (I would not recommend this. I’ve had experience of such combinations and it was fucking horrific.) The substances that can (not will) make it easier will have an impact on the experience though.

May I ask some more questions?

What do you want to get out of the experience? Once it is over, how would you like you or your life to be different?

What were the things (beliefs), specifically, that you think you are hooked on? What of those do you feel you need to give up? Do you want to give them up and why?

Regarding Alan Watts and your past lsd experience - beyond “all is love” what else do you think there could be to learn from psychedelics? What would you want to learn from them?

Can you explain/expand upon what you meant when you said; “There" is the place where I can be my true self.

 

[Teamleary]

Thanks for the appreciation. I’m very glad to hear we have a philosophy teacher on the nexus - it’s what brought me here and I look forward to having discussions about it with you in the future.

First of all I want to check that you’re not on anti-depressants, as these can seriously inhibit DMT’s effects.

Secondly, when it comes to administration, I believe direct e-mesh is the best method. You can do 40mg+ easily in one clean smooth inhale, with 0 burnt off spice. (I mention this because of the issue you described in your new report).

Reading what you wrote I would reflect back to you that you seem to put it down to your “will”. On the one hand you talk about “ego” as though there is some inherent resistance to the experience. On the other hand there seems to be some doubt about “desire”, wether you want to do it or are ready to. Both of these are very much what most people talk about when describing “letting go”. It is sometimes described as being “like dying” - I do not think this is necessarily phrased in the right way to describe where you struggle with “letting go” (in my own experience it was also framed very differently too, but this was also very different from what you are coming up against)

“Ego” - as no doubt you are aware, this is the part of your consciousness that is “I am”, as in “I am eating food”. It is not the part of us directly involved with survival instincts, but it is still subject to these instincts. For many people losing that sense of “I am” (ego death) feels like dying. However, considering your previous psychedelic experiences, meditational practice and philosophical standpoint, it’s understandable that you would perceive it differently - that doesn’t make it easier to let go of though. Personally I would not take this as a bad thing, quite the opposite in fact. To me it would seem more a testament to the strength of your will. There are people who find themselves in depressed states or with long standing issues with addiction who perhaps don’t have that strength of Will to resist in the way you do. I can think of one longstanding psychedelic vlogger who has spoken openly about finding the process of “letting go” much easier when depressed. To command your conscious mind to let go is one thing, to do the same thing with your subconscious is another, especially when you have reservations.

“Desire” - do you really want it? Not the desire to have an incredible experience, but to “let go” of “you”, the “I am”. You said; “There" is the place where I can be my true self. To me that doesn’t sound like wanting to let go of “you” and instead sounds like trying to find “you”. (Here is a point where we’ll probably disagree philosophically - for me the “you” that exists with an ego experiencing things as the “I am” IS the real “you”). Holding onto the idea of “you” is not “letting go”, even if you are letting go of the you that is here for a transcendent you that is there. Perhaps this is not what you actually want or are ready for - which is okay, you’re 33, you’re young, you should still have most of your life ahead of you. It sounds like you’re trying to rush towards this, perhaps you should try slowing down and think about what it is, what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it, in a deeper way.

I believe there are methods that can make “letting go” easier. Indeed you might be able to bypass your “Will” entirely. (I would not recommend this. I’ve had experience of such combinations and it was fucking horrific.) The substances that can (not will) make it easier will have an impact on the experience though.

May I ask some more questions?

What do you want to get out of the experience? Once it is over, how would you like you or your life to be different?

What were the things (beliefs), specifically, that you think you are hooked on? What of those do you feel you need to give up? Do you want to give them up and why?

Regarding Alan Watts and your past lsd experience - beyond “all is love” what else do you think there could be to learn from psychedelics? What would you want to learn from them?

Can you explain/expand upon what you meant when you said; “There" is the place where I can be my true self.

Thank you again, SpaceGandalf, for everything.

As I told you I am genuinely happy/serene. I really meant it. So no, I'm not in anti-depressants!

You're right about the method. I don't understand why my crafty isn't as efficient as other people's. I say that because I've had to take multiple hits for not so large doses (or maybe it is me that don't know how to hit? I don't think so).

I've been smoking weed daily for years (once a day, about 1 or 2 hours before going to bed, because I love it).

As for your new questions, I'm gonna start with a question of my own: why do I keep meditating? Why do people that have broken through keep using DMT? Probably because we feel that it allows us to reach a higher spiritual state – and we like it there? I know you know that, I'm just saying my motivation might not be that much more complex. If I were in a constant state of illumination, I would not, of course, be coming on this forum, or only to help others – I wouldn't do much, I guess, except taking care of people. So yeah, I'm happy, but I feel strongly that there's a an optimum version of me (the "true self" ) who's not obstructed by what's left of the "system of value and beliefs" I was raised into. So the beliefs I was telling you about are not easy to point out: it's the feeling of differences between object and subject for instance, or the difficulty to cope with injustice, what little value I still see in others compliments/reproaches... you know, what's make a human being a socially trapped one. I'm not as trapped as I used to be, that's for sure. But I can be even more free.

So, I'm not really frustrated/impatient. I've been trying for months... If I were truly impatient, I would have tried ten times more. I enjoy the fact that is a journey. On this post, I was a bit frustrated because I felt powerless method-wise. I was supposed to make an improvement and it felt like one of my least spiritual tries! Last night, au contraire, was a big and beautiful step forward. The feeling of the ceremony was so moving, even though it was very quick.

I'm not expecting to "learn something". Not in the sense that one could intellectualize it. I'm expecting to feel more what I already know. I want to feel more that we're all one consciousness, united in/as god. I almost feel it and I tend to believe this kind of experiences could make me feel it more : )