Hello fellow Nexians,
I am writing this down to share with the community and reflect with myself.
Introduction (word count: )
Main part (word count: )
Conclusion (word count: )
Introduction
Me: My Name starts with a Y, a letter I come to love, as it represents for me the possibilities of life. The daily decisions we have to take and bear the consequences with. Now 33, my using mind altering substances began, in my opinion, way to early. I started smoking weed while 14. Nut much at first, but it impressed me that I continued the habit with some breaks here and there. Alcohol always played a role but me being a smaller type of human, never needed much to enjoy myself so i rarely puked from that nasty stuff and I rarely drank the harder stuff. Quick ahead: I am now sober for 1,5 years
When visiting Berlin after a festival in the summer of 2012 I think, I experienced the bliss and warmth of ecstasy for the first time. Moving to that city a few years later opened me up in many more ways I am eternally thankful for.
But to be honest, I must also tell about what I think are the side effect of my upbringing and drug us. I have terrible short term memory, am diagnosed with adhd and emotionally unstable. In my opinion I am slightly autistic and have difficulties socializing as I often fall back to masking and copying my surrounding humans and environment. That being said, the experiences I gathered while on mind altering substances helped me go into myself more deeply so that I gained some wisdom over myself and my mal/functioning.
LSD and Psilocyn were tremendous teachers I often come back to in small and large doses. Nowadays, however, i see myself abusing the numbness of Ketamine, a lot. As an ultra-trail-runner, its the substance i can keep on taking without experiencing to severe drawbacks or negative consequences.
Main part
DMT: So, now for the spice. The spice is vital for space travel. The spice expands consciousness. And I am saying that not just because I am a massive Dune fan
I found the spice, or it found me while in Berlin. I ordered from a source on the early DW, called Noumena. Maybe some of you can relate. I vaporized it in my herb vaporizer and experienced for the first times the bright and colorful fractal geometrically intenseness that is characterizing the DMT flash. I sometimes had more intense experiences. I now want to talk about a few of them. I once had an intense experience, a good few years back now, where I felt like I got the message that love is ubiquitous and that no fear is necessary. It left me with a sense that it is possible for me to be relaxed and caring for myself. A habit my anxious self recently unlearned apparently. After those initial experiences in Berlin, where I was fascinated by what was shown to me in these "waiting rooms", as we like to call them, I paused the intake. This was also due to my method not working to my liking and me breaking my herb-vaporizer due to DMT getting into the heating chamber electrics. This period was though also marked by a loving relationship her and I depended upon which suddenly fell apart a year ago now. Recently though I have been getting into the last of the good old stuff from Noumena all those years back. My current method of administration is a vape pen. Furthermore, my introduction to the psy-trance subculture two years ago sparked the initial interest again to try and venture again into that realm of impossible objects and the feeling of an intelligence or presence of otherworldly magnitude waiting just a good hit of DMT away.
A friend of mine is a chemist. Lucky me right, even though you don't really need to be one to get yourself an extract of pleasurable quantity and quality. Anyway, while on Boom festival last year I borrowed his enhanced herb and vaporizer and had another blissful trance while at the lake. The waterline, the beach tents, the trees in the background up to the clouds in the sky danced to the pulsing music as suddenly the dj in real time to my trip changed the melodic rythme to a warble of complexity which I really appreciated.
I now want to talk about my last more intense experience I had a couple of weeks back. My chemist friend provided me with some of his extraction in a vape liquid. So, as I lay there in my hammock in my garden, I took two big hits and was instantaneously astonished by the intensity. Apparently, the dosage ratio of this new batch was stronger. I jumped out of the hammock and stepped three steps into my living room while colors and patterns became bright, fractal and ever changing in form. I suddenly had the feeling that this new construct of my reality was to be a constant one, and that I now had to learn to live with it. A bit frightened I sensed though that some presence assured me that it was to be alright though. Around me I saw my environment as benevolent and assuring. It felt like in an elderly home where everything is labeled so no one trips or puts stuff in the wrong drawer. Thinking of how to explain to my boss and my family that from now on I saw life and reality in super HD and in everchanging overwhelming fractal colorfulness, I became anxious again. I was a bit frightened too honestly. I dont know why, but i grabbed my over ear headphones lying on my sofa table and treated them as some kind of helper guide cord apparently hoping they can help me feel more accepted I guess. I associate that moment with the necklace people with tourette syndrome wore before the 2000s. Albeit, no use, as I stand there in my room. I sink down on my couch and watch the spinning clock on my television screensaver. The numbers telling the time reduced to underscores. My new reality doesnt tell time apparently. As the presence realizes that I made an attempt, with my headphones, a feeling of rejoyce overcame me. As it senses my frustration and me ultimately sinking on my couch a have a feeling of slowing down of the trip and of some sadness from their side as if to mirror my own.
This, felt personal and emotional. I rationalized that my lately being melancholic and anxious combined with the overwhelming sensation of having to cope with this new and "permanent" reality showed me that i need to work on myself in order to gain more from this powerful substance as from my own existence.
Last week, my chemist friend showed me how to easily extract and I now possess a full gram for me to experiment with.
I am curious, apparently not curious enough, what a breakthrough experience will be like. I hope, although hope clouds observation (Frank Herbert), that I gain from it at the least an understanding of what clouds my inner self.
Conclusion
We: So this is where you, a friendly reader comes into the picture. As you read my words, thank you kind one, you may have some more questions of my intent. I assure you, they are good, but I tend to self sabotage and be my own harshest critic. As an introverted person with low self esteem and -confidence I stand in my own way towards happiness and fulfillment.
I invite yo to share a few words of yours in order to help me on my journey.
I recently am more actively reading in this community and elsewhere. I now share this with us to help us. Thanks again for reading. Feel free to ask anything or share some thoughts and feelings. Yours!
I am writing this down to share with the community and reflect with myself.
Introduction (word count: )
Main part (word count: )
Conclusion (word count: )
Introduction
Me: My Name starts with a Y, a letter I come to love, as it represents for me the possibilities of life. The daily decisions we have to take and bear the consequences with. Now 33, my using mind altering substances began, in my opinion, way to early. I started smoking weed while 14. Nut much at first, but it impressed me that I continued the habit with some breaks here and there. Alcohol always played a role but me being a smaller type of human, never needed much to enjoy myself so i rarely puked from that nasty stuff and I rarely drank the harder stuff. Quick ahead: I am now sober for 1,5 years
When visiting Berlin after a festival in the summer of 2012 I think, I experienced the bliss and warmth of ecstasy for the first time. Moving to that city a few years later opened me up in many more ways I am eternally thankful for.But to be honest, I must also tell about what I think are the side effect of my upbringing and drug us. I have terrible short term memory, am diagnosed with adhd and emotionally unstable. In my opinion I am slightly autistic and have difficulties socializing as I often fall back to masking and copying my surrounding humans and environment. That being said, the experiences I gathered while on mind altering substances helped me go into myself more deeply so that I gained some wisdom over myself and my mal/functioning.
LSD and Psilocyn were tremendous teachers I often come back to in small and large doses. Nowadays, however, i see myself abusing the numbness of Ketamine, a lot. As an ultra-trail-runner, its the substance i can keep on taking without experiencing to severe drawbacks or negative consequences.
Main part
DMT: So, now for the spice. The spice is vital for space travel. The spice expands consciousness. And I am saying that not just because I am a massive Dune fan
I found the spice, or it found me while in Berlin. I ordered from a source on the early DW, called Noumena. Maybe some of you can relate. I vaporized it in my herb vaporizer and experienced for the first times the bright and colorful fractal geometrically intenseness that is characterizing the DMT flash. I sometimes had more intense experiences. I now want to talk about a few of them. I once had an intense experience, a good few years back now, where I felt like I got the message that love is ubiquitous and that no fear is necessary. It left me with a sense that it is possible for me to be relaxed and caring for myself. A habit my anxious self recently unlearned apparently. After those initial experiences in Berlin, where I was fascinated by what was shown to me in these "waiting rooms", as we like to call them, I paused the intake. This was also due to my method not working to my liking and me breaking my herb-vaporizer due to DMT getting into the heating chamber electrics. This period was though also marked by a loving relationship her and I depended upon which suddenly fell apart a year ago now. Recently though I have been getting into the last of the good old stuff from Noumena all those years back. My current method of administration is a vape pen. Furthermore, my introduction to the psy-trance subculture two years ago sparked the initial interest again to try and venture again into that realm of impossible objects and the feeling of an intelligence or presence of otherworldly magnitude waiting just a good hit of DMT away.A friend of mine is a chemist. Lucky me right, even though you don't really need to be one to get yourself an extract of pleasurable quantity and quality. Anyway, while on Boom festival last year I borrowed his enhanced herb and vaporizer and had another blissful trance while at the lake. The waterline, the beach tents, the trees in the background up to the clouds in the sky danced to the pulsing music as suddenly the dj in real time to my trip changed the melodic rythme to a warble of complexity which I really appreciated.
I now want to talk about my last more intense experience I had a couple of weeks back. My chemist friend provided me with some of his extraction in a vape liquid. So, as I lay there in my hammock in my garden, I took two big hits and was instantaneously astonished by the intensity. Apparently, the dosage ratio of this new batch was stronger. I jumped out of the hammock and stepped three steps into my living room while colors and patterns became bright, fractal and ever changing in form. I suddenly had the feeling that this new construct of my reality was to be a constant one, and that I now had to learn to live with it. A bit frightened I sensed though that some presence assured me that it was to be alright though. Around me I saw my environment as benevolent and assuring. It felt like in an elderly home where everything is labeled so no one trips or puts stuff in the wrong drawer. Thinking of how to explain to my boss and my family that from now on I saw life and reality in super HD and in everchanging overwhelming fractal colorfulness, I became anxious again. I was a bit frightened too honestly. I dont know why, but i grabbed my over ear headphones lying on my sofa table and treated them as some kind of helper guide cord apparently hoping they can help me feel more accepted I guess. I associate that moment with the necklace people with tourette syndrome wore before the 2000s. Albeit, no use, as I stand there in my room. I sink down on my couch and watch the spinning clock on my television screensaver. The numbers telling the time reduced to underscores. My new reality doesnt tell time apparently. As the presence realizes that I made an attempt, with my headphones, a feeling of rejoyce overcame me. As it senses my frustration and me ultimately sinking on my couch a have a feeling of slowing down of the trip and of some sadness from their side as if to mirror my own.
This, felt personal and emotional. I rationalized that my lately being melancholic and anxious combined with the overwhelming sensation of having to cope with this new and "permanent" reality showed me that i need to work on myself in order to gain more from this powerful substance as from my own existence.
Last week, my chemist friend showed me how to easily extract and I now possess a full gram for me to experiment with.
I am curious, apparently not curious enough, what a breakthrough experience will be like. I hope, although hope clouds observation (Frank Herbert), that I gain from it at the least an understanding of what clouds my inner self.
Conclusion
We: So this is where you, a friendly reader comes into the picture. As you read my words, thank you kind one, you may have some more questions of my intent. I assure you, they are good, but I tend to self sabotage and be my own harshest critic. As an introverted person with low self esteem and -confidence I stand in my own way towards happiness and fulfillment.
I invite yo to share a few words of yours in order to help me on my journey.
I recently am more actively reading in this community and elsewhere. I now share this with us to help us. Thanks again for reading. Feel free to ask anything or share some thoughts and feelings. Yours!
