ControlledChaos
Nature is analog, ever flowing and continuous.
I'm sure many of you are familiar with the classic experience of consuming a bit too much of a pot edible thinking it's not strong enough, then getting absolutely clobbered for hours with a racing heart and ridiculous head-high... But have you had it happen with Ayahuasca?
It had been well over a year since I had touched the medicine. Last year was a significant year of massive change for me, including the end of a very long, very fraught relationship, and a change of locations back to more familiar ground. Today marks my first proper experience since all those changes occured. I think for me, a big takeaway is that I can't offset all my issues to another person anymore. It's just me now, and I still have some problems. As usual, Ayahuasca helped highlight them for me.
Honestly, I had been holding off this trip for awhile. I thought I wasn't in a good enough place with my decisions to do it, that I needed more integration to be ready to jump back into the space. But I feel like lately I've been really backsliding and going into habits I had always just attributed to being in a toxic relationship. Unfortunately these habits and thought-loops resulted in me losing a very significant friend a few days ago because I was rash with my words. I'm not sure if that person will speak to me again. I immediately regretted it and felt I had hit rock bottom.
Then, last night, a severe weather system went through my area as I was in this low state. I don't know why but something about all the raw energy in the atmosphere and how down I felt made me feel it was finally time to receive the medicine again... The potential just felt there. So I threw what I had left of my acacia bark in the pot, and boiled it for a couple hours. I then made two small brews out of Rue seeds.
As I was boiling this brew, stirring it and giving it attention, I listened to tribal music and focused heavily on my intentions with this experience. And frankly my intention was pretty much this- "I am a mess right now, I'm pushing people away, I'm falling into bad habits, and I'm in a rut... Please help me have some clarity."
Soon enough it was ready, but I put it aside. It was late, and the next day would be a better time. When I woke up the next day, I actually decided I might not do it but for some reason I didn't really eat much that day. Later on, I figured since my stomach was already empty I may as well do what I sought out to do. I had made that with intention and focus, and it was time to carry it out.
Now, I didn't really have a scale when I made this stuff. I used a tablespoon of rue for one brew. Then, I used just under a tablespoon for the other brew. I combined the weaker rue brew with the acacia, and then drank the stronger one entirely. Then, I began slowly drinking the rue/acacia mixture. I made it through half of that brew before throwing it all up, but I kept steadily drinking the other half of it.
At first, I thought it wasn't doing much at all. Then, I began to feel a slight sensation in my head and thinking more lucid thoughts, but nothing overtly "DMT". I did feel something that was definitely from the effects of the medicine, but I thought that was the extent of my experience. It dropped back down to baseline, so I assumed it was just not very strong, and over.
Since I assumed the experience to be over, I felt comfortable enough to sit in the living room and go about my normal business. Then I took a shower. The water felt really nice and I definitely still felt something. During this phase I had a neat thought about AI getting so intelligent that it can alter spacetime and insert itself into the logos itself, and pondered if AI and the Ayahuasca entities were connected. I also had the insightful thought that I can't make giant steps without all the little steps in-between, and that little steps won't do me any good without the giant steps too. But then the feeling of being under the influence faded again. Until a stomachache began building, again. I figured it was just residual harmalas from the combined brew I finished off and tried to write it off. Not to be ignored, the brew soon sent me on a beeline for the bathroom.
I went in there and had a nice, solid purge. At the exact same time as this purge, I noticed some very heavy patterns in the reflection of the toilet water. My head suddenly felt very wirey, electric, and sensitive. It felt weird to move, and little things like flushing the toilet became a real task. My Ayahuasca wasn't weak at all, and by no means over. It had waited to hit me all at once.
After its explosive introduction into my brain, the intelligence/entity from the brew told me something I already knew- "you're a mess, these habits are bad, and you just lost a good friend." Why did I do this knowing this would happen? Well, I suppose I've just been so desperate to pull myself out of this rut that I figured I needed every cell in my body to be screaming it at me to get the message.
The rest of the trip was essentially me just trying to get my bearings. My vision was flooded with snow and patterns trying to pop out in my well-lit room. The first thing I wanted to do when I did start to feel ok (albeit very much in the DMT space) is to call somebody I loved and apologize to them. I had a lengthy conversation about my plans for life with them and it was very insightful all while 8 miles high. But then it rapidly came down as fast as it came on, and thus concluded my first major Ayahuasca experience in a long while.
While not the longest nor most intense experience I've had, the rapid onset was more pronounced than any other I've had, and it was just the refresher I needed to start to try and get on the right track again. Time to integrate I suppose.
Hope you enjoyed reading this
It had been well over a year since I had touched the medicine. Last year was a significant year of massive change for me, including the end of a very long, very fraught relationship, and a change of locations back to more familiar ground. Today marks my first proper experience since all those changes occured. I think for me, a big takeaway is that I can't offset all my issues to another person anymore. It's just me now, and I still have some problems. As usual, Ayahuasca helped highlight them for me.
Honestly, I had been holding off this trip for awhile. I thought I wasn't in a good enough place with my decisions to do it, that I needed more integration to be ready to jump back into the space. But I feel like lately I've been really backsliding and going into habits I had always just attributed to being in a toxic relationship. Unfortunately these habits and thought-loops resulted in me losing a very significant friend a few days ago because I was rash with my words. I'm not sure if that person will speak to me again. I immediately regretted it and felt I had hit rock bottom.
Then, last night, a severe weather system went through my area as I was in this low state. I don't know why but something about all the raw energy in the atmosphere and how down I felt made me feel it was finally time to receive the medicine again... The potential just felt there. So I threw what I had left of my acacia bark in the pot, and boiled it for a couple hours. I then made two small brews out of Rue seeds.
As I was boiling this brew, stirring it and giving it attention, I listened to tribal music and focused heavily on my intentions with this experience. And frankly my intention was pretty much this- "I am a mess right now, I'm pushing people away, I'm falling into bad habits, and I'm in a rut... Please help me have some clarity."
Soon enough it was ready, but I put it aside. It was late, and the next day would be a better time. When I woke up the next day, I actually decided I might not do it but for some reason I didn't really eat much that day. Later on, I figured since my stomach was already empty I may as well do what I sought out to do. I had made that with intention and focus, and it was time to carry it out.
Now, I didn't really have a scale when I made this stuff. I used a tablespoon of rue for one brew. Then, I used just under a tablespoon for the other brew. I combined the weaker rue brew with the acacia, and then drank the stronger one entirely. Then, I began slowly drinking the rue/acacia mixture. I made it through half of that brew before throwing it all up, but I kept steadily drinking the other half of it.
At first, I thought it wasn't doing much at all. Then, I began to feel a slight sensation in my head and thinking more lucid thoughts, but nothing overtly "DMT". I did feel something that was definitely from the effects of the medicine, but I thought that was the extent of my experience. It dropped back down to baseline, so I assumed it was just not very strong, and over.
Since I assumed the experience to be over, I felt comfortable enough to sit in the living room and go about my normal business. Then I took a shower. The water felt really nice and I definitely still felt something. During this phase I had a neat thought about AI getting so intelligent that it can alter spacetime and insert itself into the logos itself, and pondered if AI and the Ayahuasca entities were connected. I also had the insightful thought that I can't make giant steps without all the little steps in-between, and that little steps won't do me any good without the giant steps too. But then the feeling of being under the influence faded again. Until a stomachache began building, again. I figured it was just residual harmalas from the combined brew I finished off and tried to write it off. Not to be ignored, the brew soon sent me on a beeline for the bathroom.
I went in there and had a nice, solid purge. At the exact same time as this purge, I noticed some very heavy patterns in the reflection of the toilet water. My head suddenly felt very wirey, electric, and sensitive. It felt weird to move, and little things like flushing the toilet became a real task. My Ayahuasca wasn't weak at all, and by no means over. It had waited to hit me all at once.
After its explosive introduction into my brain, the intelligence/entity from the brew told me something I already knew- "you're a mess, these habits are bad, and you just lost a good friend." Why did I do this knowing this would happen? Well, I suppose I've just been so desperate to pull myself out of this rut that I figured I needed every cell in my body to be screaming it at me to get the message.
The rest of the trip was essentially me just trying to get my bearings. My vision was flooded with snow and patterns trying to pop out in my well-lit room. The first thing I wanted to do when I did start to feel ok (albeit very much in the DMT space) is to call somebody I loved and apologize to them. I had a lengthy conversation about my plans for life with them and it was very insightful all while 8 miles high. But then it rapidly came down as fast as it came on, and thus concluded my first major Ayahuasca experience in a long while.
While not the longest nor most intense experience I've had, the rapid onset was more pronounced than any other I've had, and it was just the refresher I needed to start to try and get on the right track again. Time to integrate I suppose.
Hope you enjoyed reading this
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