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Time's running and I keep on drowning in despair. [25] Zero relationships, absolutely no friends

S

Samot

Rising Star
People often tell me I look angry all the time.

I understand that I lack the social skills. This does hurt. The feeling of "being left out" or "it's too late for me to be doing that" or "Shit, I've missed it".

My soul is telling my body that it is unhappy/unsatisfied at times, but the suboxone is countering that "everything's fine". I seek compassion, love, intimacy. I don't want to keep "surviving" thru this journey alone anymore. I've mastered putting a fucked-up/depressing feeling in the room due to the culture shock environment from a very young age. I've moved to a new school, in a new country, with a new language at the age of 10 - did not know the language, was made fun of, was anxious and afraid to speak for a very long time. I am 25 now, and my soul, is crying.


I am also not a slob. I take excellent care of myself and am physically fit. It's the perception of my past experiences that haunt me. On the daily, I wake up angry, I go to bed angry, always alone, always afraid to break the fucking cycle. I've lost many jobs, opportunities in life due to my "attitude", and I think I need some help with this. I would seriously love some love / input right about now in regards to this. I hope that this is the right place for this.
 
I can empathise with this a lot. I had the same problems. A side effect of being raised as a metalhead from age 10. Instant outsider, which i see as a positive. I can see the BS in society more clearly, and with productive rage.

I'm almost 30, and i still dress like a metalhead. Band t-shirts, black cargo pants, combat boots. Which has it's downsides, where people think i'm always angry or aggressive. These are just first impressions, though. Once people get to know who you are, they are often surprised to see how their initial judgment doesn't meet the person who is standing in front of them.

With the attitude stuff, i also had the same problems at work. I was too direct, aloof and brutally honest. I had no tact, i had no charm. This can appear confrontational, especially in this modern snowflake culture.

I too have never had a relationship. I make few friends, cause everyone else doesn't make the cut. Fewer high quality friends are better than many low quality friends.


"It's the perception of my past experiences that haunt me." This seems to be a very common problem. It took me almost a decade to get over a lost love. It was a vicious cycle, being fed from multiple inputs. Address one of the issues, the cycle still continues. It was the most crushing thing. To wake up, and not have the urge to do anything. I'd often just lay there, for hours, thinking about nothing. I became a spectator of my own life.

You gotta get outta your comfort zone, which doesn't mean go somewhere that you absolutely detest. If you hate nightclubs, don't go to one. But if you can tolerate other places where you can meet people, then do that. But before you do that, best thing to do is find a wingman. A friend who is good with people, and can help you with the opposite sex, if that's what you're into. Going to places alone can be even more isolating, cause you don't know how to start talking to people.
 
You need to decide how youre gonna live, if a man seeking compassion, love, or intimacy, or if a man who is compassionate, loving, and intimate, and thus free, needing nothing, asking for nothing, never complaining about circumstances or how other people are.

The fact that one uses an angry facade showcases that in a very real sense one is not compassionate or loving or intimate with people (smiling for real at people is intimite and loving, filling the room with depression is the complete opposite)

You say you are afraid of being alone...my friend, your desires wear you down like a ball and chain...your desire is fear.

Make a relationship with yourself, be compassionate with yourself, have fun with yourself, be happy with yourself. Then you have something to share, as of now what can you offer? Do you have love? If you did you would not be in this dilema. Because to have love means no violence, no fear, no competition, no ambition...where there is love there is peace.

Psychological Scripts: We create stories about our lives, what they have been and what they will be. This starts in childhood where we weave our perceptions of our selves and of the world around us into a narrative about what we can and will do.

These life scripts then continue to have a deep and unconscious effect on how we live our lives. They affect the decision we make. They control what we think we could easily do and could never do. They shape our self-image. And yet we seldom realize where they come from or even do not know that they exist at all.

Our life scripts are often encouraged and shaped by parents and other family members, whose life scripts were shaped by their parents and so on. In this way, we become a product of our family's history. Likewise, our scripts are also woven by cultural and national forces.

Life scripts are not all the same as they may also be significantly affected by individual events, such as being criticized by a teacher or bullied by other children. They also are constrained by inherited characteristics. For example it would be unusual (but not impossible) for a shorter person to include being a basketball player in their life script.

There are often overall shapes to life scripts that can be expressed very simply, for example 'I am a loser' or 'I must help save the world'. Life scripts can be very detailed and they can be very vague. They can be very empowering, yet they can also severely limit our lives.

Example
A child brought up in poverty sees celebrities on television and hears her grandmother telling her that she can be like that, and how there are people on the TV screen who started with nothing, just like her. She consequently creates fantasies and plays games of being a celebrity. Other children join in, but with her it runs much deeper. She works hard and always volunteers, even after forgetting much of her conversations with her grandmother. She ends up working in television, not as a celebrity but behind the scenes. Whilst she feels good being close to the stars, there is a strange sadness about her when she returns to her small apartment at night. She still works hard and the deep belief that celebrity success will find her drives her on.

As you can see, that lady will live unhappy for the rest of her life for a decision she made in CHILDHOOD and doesnt even remember; this is how we chose our "life stories" which are a major component of psychological scripts which in turn is the most damaging aspect of our conditioning, and one that many people go to their grave unaware of it ever having existed or having been a problem.

Anyway, why post on dmt nexus for this issue?

Cry no more friend, we have reached the end: this is your last body. Make it be worth it.
 
Welcome to the Nexus!

What experience do you have with psychedelics? If used wisely they are very good for helping break old thought and behavior patterns. Unless you have some hard-wired trauma or psychiatric condition that would make psychedelic use unwise then a series of well-planned LSD or Shroom trips might do you some good.

As far as socializing I would recommend exercise, particularly cycling. Exhausted and Endorphined is a good state of mind and is the best way I've found to prep for tripping. Cycling also lends itself to joining a group of other cyclists, which has certain advantages, as the interpersonal communication is limited while you are riding. It's kind of like Peer Group Light.

If you have difficulty with inadvertently rubbing people the wrong way socially then a chat group like the Nexus can be helpful. The Nexus has taught me some impulse control, aka: "Think thrice before hitting Enter".
 
Go to hyperspace with the intention of finding healing. Be open and honest while you are there.

P.S. You've got time. I'm 42. In the last couple of weeks I've massively turned my life around. Do I wish I achieved it earlier? Sure. Did I miss out? Sure. But it's never too late to start living it differently. I've never been so content.

WHAT I CAN DO, YOU CAN DO.
 
YOU HAVE FRIENDS NOW! ALL OF US! we are all like minded people on a similar journey! so we all understand what your going through at least I do. You had the courage to come here and share your pain! that courage WILL be rewarded! I have been down that dark lonely road still are at times and it sucks! but hey lets all go down that road togather! I am here for you and I am sure the rest of us here are as well! just talk it out that always makes me feel better. NO need to be lonely anymore you ARE amongst friends! I send my love to you!
 
I found myself in the same situation, you can come out of it by making an effort; I recommend the study of the philosopher Henri Bergson.
 
Samot said:
The feeling of "it's too late for me to be doing that" or "Shit, I've missed it".
Click to expand...

Well, if you happen to come back to this thread... just pick it up where it left off. I think the discussion could be valuable.
 
I share many of the same problems as you listed in my life and this all happened at a similar age to me as yourself. I also had the same problems with the appearence of my attitude. I was also too direct, aloof and brutally honest, had no tact. I also agree with Psilosopher? that this made me appear confrontational and everyone seemed so sensitive and still do. Although i put this down to people not being down to earth and not waning to look at the truth of things because it hurts or is ugly and makes them realise how meaningless life is. I made few friends, cause everyone just didn't seem relatable to me, they seemed to different in how they thought. I also agree that fewer high quality friends are better than many low quality friends but at the same time, there is such an enormous amount of value in being ok in being alone. It is very liberating. Although (and especially as a male), our sexual desires undermine that a lot, and if you have ever been in love and know that closeness, the desire for that can also undermine it.

I was also haunted by the perception of my past experiences. Indeed, a lot of this was because it also took me almost a decade to get over a lost love. I convinced myself that finding that again was the epicenter of what was meaningful to me even though I had no avenues in my life to find them (no friends, no interaction at work, no hobbies, against dating apps at the time). This also made everything else in my life seem worthless in pursuing to a large degree. In time I learnt to let it go and little by little started realizing how pathetic my desperation was. Once I did end up finding someone, i realized how much of a fool i was for spending so much time thinking that way. It is always a grass is always greener thing with humans, unless you are exceptionally aware of your own behavior and thoughts (which i believe meditation and psychedelics can give you).

I agree, you gotta get outta your comfort zone. Its what I had to do, although getting out never actually led me anywhere, it did give me the skills required to interact with and develop connections when they spontaneously emerged. A big part of it is having the confidence to approach anyone and just talk about anything as well as get in to deeper conversations with people you are forced to interact with. That is something through awareness training and observations of other people you can learn to improve. Getting yourself in a program where you are forced to have these interactions is a great way to go about learning it and perhaps even expose you to new people (like college courses or hobbies like rock climbing or gymnastics etc).

The feeling of being left out or that its too late is very real, dont kid yourself, you are 25 and most people at that age are starting to find what they want to do with their life and/or have met someone. But i think you should not ignore those notions because that is the very thing that will kick start you in to changing, it is the impetus.

If you truly feel this is not an option for you then another option is to just learn to accept isolation and transform it in to stillness through meditation or contemplation and an ascetic lifestyle (learn to not desire for it is the cause of suffering). You say your soul is crying from the past because of moving to a new school, in a new country, with a new language at the age of 10 and that you were made fun of. These are the sorts of things that psychedelics & meditation help us let go of and use to transform our lives for the better.

You say you wake up angry, go to bed angry, are always alone due etc due to your "attitude". This is 100% in your power to change. Anger is just frustration which is just you desiring for things to be different. Only through acceptance do you let go of that anger and attitude. How do you find acceptance? Well you are in the right place. A good dose of mushrooms/ayahuasca and/or meditate for hours on end. It takes a break in the normal operation of your consciousness for you to be able to see the patterns of negativity that hold you back, same as anyone. You climb up the mountain to get the perspective to come down and know where to travel.
 
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