Touching

[ms_manic_minxx]

One theme that has always been fairly common in my ceremonies where I have a serious breakthrough healing things from my childhood is neglect. I was completely neglected. I've seen very clearly how a lack of physical stimulation has stunted my growth, emotionally, neurologically, psychologically, spiritually. This has always been a repeated theme...

There are those primate studies--forget what they're called or who did them--where two separate instances of young primates were observed. One was allowed to have a mother, and the other was given a mock-mother made of wires, and there may have even been a third with no stimulus at all. Touch and stimulating environments have been proven time and time again in animals to stimulate growth, physically, neurologically, socially.

Some of what I have done to remedy this was spending time with visions of my inner child in ceremony. Having dialogues with her, trying to understand how she felt, what she wanted, sending her love. Saying yes, I know you always wanted a friend to play tea party with instead of dolls. It's a powerful technique (taught to me by Aya), and it's helped.

Also, just loving myself generally. Eating well, working out, being and feeling the best I can be. I've grown a lot and put on healthy muscle mass, especially lately. *I* have to ultimately care for myself, it's nothing anyone else can ever do.

I've even had some wild voyages with flashbacks to infancy and in-utero dealing with these themes. I cried, purged, released in many ways. That's all helped.

Some recent voyages, however, seem to have cracked a deeper level of this neglect-terror. What I've gotten out of it is basically, I NEED TO BE TOUCHED. Not sexually, just lovingly held and touched. I don't have that in my life. Part of what drove me away from my last boyfriend was the fact that every single bit of contact was erotically motivated (I'm all for amazing sex, don't get me wrong, but I'm also a multi-dimensional person). When I started spontaneously tripping the other night and fell into panic, two of my girlfriends came over. One just held me and stroked my hair and I was instantly so much calmer. I've thought about getting a pet, but I have lots of mixed feelings on the pet situation, and where I live, I couldn't do it in an ethical way.

I really NEED touch at this point in my life, just like I need food or water. I don't know if it's like a part of me that was first cleaned is now ready to grow, and it's like a missing vitamin or enzyme. The process won't complete and it's sometimes annoying or painful.

I've thought about massage, but that's super expensive.

I don't know. I just need positive human contact. I understand why I need it, there's no secondary motivations or underlying issues. It's kind of strange, culturally, to acknowledge being in this situation, I think it requires a depth of maturity that makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

I remember being younger, and some of my friends and I would either just lie together in front of the fireplace, or out under the stars, and just talk about life. It was a totally positive and healthy thing, like kittens in a big heap. Nothing more, nothing less.

Can anyone relate? and what is there to suggest?

There is also a part of me that is so disconnected from expressing these kinds of needs. It disconnects in fear.

 

[soulfood]

Huh...

Well I can't relate directly, as all my friends are pretty tactile and I always have family close by and they're a pretty warm loving bunch. But I guess you could say I need my brain to be touched, which is probably why I'm here on this forum.

As great as this place is however, it's missing visible body language and visible cues of how people respond to what I say and vica versa, so shit loads of the human intelect just gets lost in the lack of translation. I have a good few friends that share many of my interests, but I always find that they appreciate different things than I do from my perspective. That's good in a way, as it's nice to hear a different view point once in a while, but you can't beat that feeling of looking into someone's eyes widening to a big fat "Yes! Exactly!"

Anyway, the upshot of all of this is, I find myself thinking in conversations, which really brings a whole new meaning to the term "mental masturbation" But I pick a personality I have known in the past, or sometimes even my younger self, but I just end up getting annoyed at me because I always make the me me lines more superior and the other me lines like some loser whose in awe of me. But then again it's pretty hard to think up another personality and base of knowledge greater than my own because they can't teach me anything... that would be weird. But then again, if I didn't at least practice talking about the things I'm passionate about, then those passions may just die out one day and that would suck.

I don't really know what to say to you about this, for the reasons you pointed out do indeed complicate the matter. You mention that you split with a boyfriend because his touch always seemed a little on the lusty side. How long were you together? In my experience after around 6 months or so, all those sexual feelings get less compulsory and a comfort of presence begins to develop after all the hot and heavy stuff dies down a bit. Or with a certain type of individual you can build a relationship slowly and sex doesn't seem to enter into it until both indivuals spark.

I guess what I'm saying is that touch of comfort and trust will only come from a mutual understanding. So that's something you have to find yourself and work on. Damn me, I've been a bit useless here really. It's 6am here and I'm a bit on the foggy side so please let me know if I've completely missed the point.

 

[jamie]

I had a gf a few years back that was interested in psychedelics..I was in love with this girl and we would have these amazingly wnderful mushroom trips together..

One time I was at the vancouver folk music festival, and it was night time and we both took mushrooms..she was working there also and wanted to go across the street to some staff party..I wanted to stay at the festival for the drum circle and dance all night. I took alot of mushrooms that night, and they were psilocybe cyanescenes on top of that..prob ate upwards of 4g(thats like 8g cubes or more) and she had about 2..

At some point I was at the drum circle but got so confused..all the glow sticks and tripped out people on MDMA...the sky became a giant dome of honeycomb and I looked acros jerico beach towards english bay, all the buildings, the entire city became some sort of lunar space station..I completely lost it..I had to call my gf and tell her to come back and help me cus I was wandering around in the bush along with beach jsut totally lost, my freinds were looking for me as well wondering if I was ok..

She came and got me and luckily lived only about 2 blocks from jerico beach where the festival was..so we went back to her place and crawled into bed and just tripped soo damn hard..she was reall out there was well but nothing like me...that girl saved my life that night..I jsut lay there grabbing onto her ridng it out if it wast for her id have lost it altogether.

Having someone there that you can just get lost in always helps. Thats just part of being human..noone wans to be a hermit lol..we are social creatures..we need eachother.

I come back to these feelings on mushrooms at times..actaully alot when I take them alone which lately is often. Mushrooms seem to really confront me like this moreso than ayahuasca, and I really love the mushrooms for that..at some point I will realize that I bullshit myself alot, pretending I dont need or want to find someone. I havent had a gf in over a year becasue im just sick of trying to be someone else..we are definatily the minority of minorities in society as psychedelic people, so its not easy to find people that really get us..thats how I feel anyway. Im constantly trying to explain myslef, my beliefs and experiences to these girls and am just left feeling misunderstood and sort of alone in my own little world.

Mescaline is also *very* useful for working through emotional things like this..

 

[cellux]

Saying yes, I know you always wanted a friend to play tea party with instead of dolls

Heart breaks here.

I really NEED touch at this point in my life, just like I need food or water. I don't know if it's like a part of me that was first cleaned is now ready to grow, and it's like a missing vitamin or enzyme. The process won't complete and it's sometimes annoying or painful.

Hopefully it's true that this lack you brought to the light in yourself sends out signals to the universe to call into your life just that which you are in lack of.

But if this doesn't work that way, then... phew. I know that I don't want to be THAT clean yet. I'm afraid to be so vulnerable. Even though I have all the support I could dream of (beautiful and wonderful wife, loving children), I still cannot step over these fears, that the needs of my "wounded child" would be too great and if I'd let them loose, I would somehow wreak havoc in what I have, destroy the nest with my pain (trust is another thing which really suffers from this fear).

Oh so great is this fear that you are working on, sis. I know it.

It's kind of strange, culturally, to acknowledge being in this situation, I think it requires a depth of maturity that makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

No, unfortunately we can't "attack" others with this. We don't live in that society. We should be compassionate towards others (who are too much closed to be able to open up towards such a need). We can't force this onto them.

One idea that popped into mind was to find some "substitute" in the inner worlds. But then I realized that the entire purpose of God with all of creation was to make it possible to cuddle up with someone else in a shared love. So perhaps there is no substitute. ( Ok, I lied, a lot of bhaktas tell us that there IS a substitute. Perhaps it's a matter of personality, how we are constructed, perhaps certain creatures can go back and be lovers of God. But I somehow doubt you are of this group. Fractal Enchantment possibly more so. But even him, ... No, he's also a human. "at some point I will realize that I bullshit myself alot, pretending I dont need or want to find someone". Yes, so human. And so beautiful.)

 

[wade]

Together your energies collide
balancing out and creating a
whole
where two mirrors infinitely reflect
or a planet and a moon
a planet and a sun

sister stars
or slow gloaming galaxies

Yes I can relate. Do yourself a favor and get out into the world
whether it's digitally or analogly
and find yourself the other half

even if it's for now
just now

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

Wow, cellux, wow.

Another thing that occurred to me is... I am afraid to have a sitter. Since I've been journeying, I've been doing it alone from the start. Sure, I've taken a few friends here or there and watched out for them... but no one has ever sat FOR me, for the sole purpose of just holding space for me while going crazy (though sometimes my plants do talk ). And thinking about this makes me realize the notion of having a sitter is terrifying. It's one thing for me to lose my mind for a few hours all by myself and come out the other side feeling better... but it's another thing to fall apart completely in the presence of someone else and just howl for all the howling I need to do. I'm a strong girl...

The art of falling apart... right...

I realistically have no idea how to ask someone to do something like that for me. I suppose part of that also involves just opening up to receive.

It's funny, too, how working with the medicine slowly made all of my substitute behaviors fall away. I was in a (monogamous) relationship a long time in the past where I was using sex to substitute the kind of deeper love that I really need... sometimes I would eat when I felt lonely... Now I can see they are all just substitutions, I've figured out the trick and it doesn't work anymore... so I'm left with this very intense pain to just be present with...

I do love god and god is in everything... When I wasn't feeling connected to god/universe/source/[your favorite word], I was (self)destructive and unhappy. Now I have the deepest love and respect for everything.

I think it's worth mentioning that I recently chose to move out and live on my own to continue my work with the medicine. I lived alone once before and it drove me insane, but I was in a terrible mental space. TERRIBLE. Depressed. Bad setting. Bad history. Bad everything. Now I am in the most beautiful and positive headspace, and it totally reflects in my living space. I think roommates were more of a distraction that a solution to the ultimate problem. so, in a way, I'm diving headlong into this giant whatever that has been lurking inside me for a veerrryyy long time.

I don't know how to properly express myself sometimes, I feel stunted, like I'm closed off, not allowed by society to go and express how I feel, or like I have to hide myself. I'm renting an apartment in a giant house, and my neighbor on the other side of the floor is inside all the time. He's an older man with lots of health problems. He never comes outside. There's just this wall between our living spaces, but it's not like I can really go outside, bang on his door and be like, "Hey! I'm MMM! I live next door! Can we talk? Do you ever feel lonely? I technically live right beside you, but I have no idea who you are!" The atomization inherent in society...

POWERFUL urges to connect... No idea how to deal with them, deal with them honestly, deal with them in a way that won't completely offend society.

I love to write. I love to express myself symbolically. I'm so good at it. It's such a facade.

Edit: I do have an EXTREMELY social full-time job. I am in song-and-dance mode regularly... (except when I come home and sit up on forums until 4am ).

Edit edit: And sometimes there is a part of me that feels completely nuts for even wanting to talk about feeling this way sometimes!!

 

[cellux]

I don't know how to properly express myself sometimes, I feel stunted, like I'm closed off, not allowed by society to go and express how I feel, or like I have to hide myself. I'm renting an apartment in a giant house, and my neighbor on the other side of the floor is inside all the time. He's an older man with lots of health problems. He never comes outside. There's just this wall between our living spaces, but it's not like I can really go outside, bang on his door and be like, "Hey! I'm MMM! I live next door! Can we talk? Do you ever feel lonely? I technically live right beside you, but I have no idea who you are!" The atomization inherent in society...

Made me remember the glass man in The Wonderful Life of Amelie Poulain... Or Kitchen Stories (another great movie about the meaning of true love).

When I met my wife, I thought that we will journey together in the worlds of psychedelia... Didn't turn out so. She has a much more rational, down-to-earth type of personality than me. Sometimes we feel the difficulty this brings, but I actually learned to appreciate the difference.

You know, if you have someone as a soul mate who doesn't give in immediately, but you have to do work on connecting to each other, you have to work on building TRUST, at deeper and deeper levels, then this whole relationship story becomes much more delicious, a process of unfoldment, a blossoming which both of us are a witness to.

And because we are honest, there are no easy ways. Even if I pretend that I solved something which hasn't really been solved yet, she is there to warn me that it is not so. It's so perfectly wise, how she can say: "no, you are not there yet. but the moment you are REALLY there, I will know. and then I will go with you." Oh, I love my wife sooo much.

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

Cuddle Party

So I just emailed all my friends and asked if they wanted to have one of these (maybe with some tasty food and a good movie)... might even check out the formal thing, too. The ideas in the website are actually pretty cool. Just reading some of it made me cry. I need HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so the kid who swore to never cry when I felt alone. Just actually admitting that I need to be hugged is huge. Also, I feel a lot better reading about this kind of thing. I thought it was weird, a bit, because one of the biggest things that drove me away from my last boyfriend was the fact that he always needed to HAVE SEX if we touched. It was awful and invalidating. And it's been a long time since I've been with anyone... All my friends I used to instinctively have dogpiles with are scattered across the globe now...

It is mind-bending new territory, or bending my mind back into old territory that I forgot about... It seems like the healthiest way to deal with these things (until Psychedelic Prince Charming shows up on the Hypnotoad ).

 

[Virola78]

I have been loved and cuddled allot when i was a little kid. I was never neglected. But i do miss intimacy, like you do. Actually it is the only thing i am (really) missing. I get strange reactions from girls when i do not hit hard on them. Like there is something wrong with me or them. We live in a strange place :?

My cat is a big help though. He is a very close friend. Warm, social, funny, happy, relaxed, appreciative ...

Why dont you find yourself a nice pet?
I know it is not quite the same as 'human intimacy', but still.. A pet is always good to have around. At the moment for me, the cat makes all the difference. The little fella makes me feel happy everyday : ) Good medicine.

Wish you all the best of
:d

 

[jbark]

Dearest ms_manic_minxx,

I haven't read the responses to this as I wanted to respond quickly:

Get a pet!! Get a pet!! I understand the ethical questions you must be asking, but a pet will enrich your life, AND YOU WILL ENRICH ITS LIFE in return!! That's about as ethically positive as you can get! Can't walk a dog? get a cat. can't let the cat out? keep him inside - a lot of cats adapt and love being inside. Moral dilemma with an indoor cat? get a guinea pig, a mouse, a goldfish (although touching a fish is a little difficult...!)

A pet will love you the way you love it. Unconditionally. Like family.

I come from a family where touch was looked down upon. Uncomfortable. Weak. Rationally non-sensical (...!?) I am very careful about my "personal space", but I find as I get older I am compensating (maybe overcompensating? ) I love touching, cuddling, stroking, tickling - my girlfriend, my 17 month old son, and - my cats!! It keeps me going, keeps me sane, staves off the madness... And it is STRENGTH I have learned, not weakness. The strength of giving, of loving, of risking (all things you touch die, but they live a little more through the touching).

GET A PET!!

JBArk

 

[Pharmer]

Coming as an only child from a very non touching family, I always had a pet to fill in the emotional and physical gaps for me but they never filled the human gaps left from the lack of touch. I feel pets can only go so far in filling our needs because they are on a different level-The unconditional love of a dog can never fill the need of human touch but it can help. Now into my adult life, I count myself very lucky to have a few close friends that realize the need to cuddle as well as a very loving partner.

Besides the physical contact I feel touch has an energy transfer ability to and from the toucher and touchie. Too many people being in contact with your physical body can be just as damaging as having not enough I have found. Touch has been shown to facilitate physical and psychological functioning, particularly in terms of reducing stress, relieving pain, increasing the ability to cope, and general health ratings.

There are parties called cuddle parties http://www.cuddleparty.com/ to help those who do not know anyone to cuddle with. I have not gone to one of these myself but have heard a very good report from a friend who has attended a few.
Also the free hugs campaign Free Hugs Campaign - Wikipedia is trying to fill the gaps we all have in our lives for simple touch.

Intention of touch is so key to me, if someone wants something from the touching there is a cleaving or draw of energy away from my person. We will often touch a person before we ask a tough question or ask for something from them, this is often a hug or handshake. If that want is only sex the touch can often be so draining that I recoil away instantly but if that person wants to "give" in anyway I find that touch to be very uplifting/energizing.

When was the last time you held someones hand that was not a partner or family member, or touched someone else for the sheer goal of sending them good feelings. We often get what we give.

Virtual hugs and warm embrace

 

[lyserge]

Get a pet!! Get a pet!! I understand the ethical questions you must be asking, but a pet will enrich your life, AND YOU WILL ENRICH ITS LIFE in return!! GET A PET!!

Ooh thanks for opening up, ms_manic. Fascinating how many parallels between the lives of Nexians and my own life. I suppose it's due to our being those members of the human family who are drawn to this sort of website...and of course the opening/access that the medicines seem to help bring on.

Fascinating how early experiences - birth/pre-birth, and childhood - seem to stay with us for so very long afterwards. Since we're doing the group therapy thing, I wasn't quite neglected in my family, but my physical/sexual terrain/space was violated in many ways that seem to effect how I operate on a day-to-day basis. I find it difficult to have intimate contact without it turning into something sexual, since that somehow (paradoxically) seems easier or less distressing than basking comfortably in the warmth of another person.

It seems that the need to be touched/need for physical closeness that most people feel so powerfully comes from a deep, primal level. It also has to do with energy transfer, as Pharmer suggested. I think we're spiritual beings who find ourselves trapped (or blessed) in human bodies, and we have to deal with the pain of being in such a body. However, having a body is not strictly pain - it can provide exquisite pleasure, especially when in the presence and warmth of another body. Strangely enough it seems that animals such as dogs and cats are also "spirits" in bodies, and they feel the same pain we do, but they also feel the same deep pleasure in contact with the warmth of another body. I think there may be a cat or dog out there (probably cat given your circumstances) that would be blessed to have you as a companion!

I personally get much more out of contact with dogs. Such sweet and sensitive creatures, and I find they *very much* enjoy being around people who are taking phenethylamines, the entactogenic ones in particular, such as 2C-B, mescaline, and MDMA (first two from experience, the latter from reports). I recall reading (on here?) about a person who adopted a dog who'd been physically abused. The dog reacted with fear to any contact, but one day the person and hir friends were eating peyote and puked. Unbeknownst to them, the dog ate the peyote-containing vomit, and a couple hours down the road he came prancing in the room, presumably full of energy, and for the first time since the adoption basked in human contact, and apparently he was forever cured.

I wonder if this need for intimacy is a demon of sorts, something that can be cured or healed by following the prescriptions of the appropriate Physician, or whether it's something, for better or worse, we're stuck or blessed with. If the former is true, I wonder if the dog's prescription - application of the entactogens - could help with the cure. In the latter case, is there any solution other than finding other humans or creatures - perhaps outside of a sexual relationship - to provide this contact? Ideas?

 

[hyperspacing]

I agree a pet is a good way to go. They don't call dog mans best friends for nothing. Also changa seems to be my therapy. A good blend if you smoke it slowly rather than "grip it and rip it" seems to really bring me out of any sad or bad mood. Just smoke it slowly until you feel that nice warm embrace. caapi blends always make me feel like mama aya is there holding me in her loving way. It really can turn a day around. Next time you feel lonely give it a try mama aya is always willing to give a hug when you need it.

Remember without sadness and lonliness happiness and love wouldn't exist.

 

[cellux]

A possibly relevant excerpt from Stanislav Grof's magnum opus "LSD Psychotherapy":

Anaclitic Therapy With LSD (LSD Analysis)

The term anaclitic (from the Greek anaklinein--to lean upon) refers to various early infantile needs and tendencies directed toward a pregenital love object. This method was developed by two London psychoanalysts, Joyce Martin and Pauline McCririck. It is based on clinical observations of deep age regression occuring in LSD sessions of psychiatric patients. During these periods many of them relive episodes of early infantile frustration and emotional deprivation. This is typically associated with agonizing cravings for love, physical contact, and other instinctual needs experienced on a very primitive level.

The technique of LSD therapy practiced by Martin and McCririck was based on psychoanalytic understanding and interpretation of all the situations and experiences occurring in drug sessions and in this sense is very close to psycholytic approaches. The critical difference distinguishing this therapy from any other was the element of direct satisfaction of anaclitic needs of the patients. In contrast to the traditional detached attitude characteristic of psychoanalysis and psycholytic treatment, Martin and McCririck assumed an active mothering role and entered into close physical contact with their patients to help them to satisfy primitive infantile needs reactivated by the drug.

More superficial aspects of this approach involve holding the patients and feeding them warm milk from a bottle, caressing and offering reassuring touches, holding their heads in one's lap, or hugging and rocking. The extreme of psychodramatic involvement of the therapist is the so-called "fusion technique", which consists of full body contact with the client. The patient lies on the couch covered with a blanket and the therapist lies beside his or her body, in close embrace, usually simulating the gentle comforting movements of a mother caressing her baby.

The subjective reports of patients about these periods of "fusion" with the therapist are quite remarkable. They describe authentic feelings of symbiotic union with the nourishing mother image, experienced simultaneously on the level of the "good breast" and "good womb". In this state, patients can experience themselves as infants receiving love and nourishment at the breast of the nursing mother and at the same time feel totally identified with a fetus in the oceanic paradise of the womb. This state can simultaneously involve archetypal dimensions and elements of mystical rapture, and the above situations be experienced as contact with the Great Mother or Mother Nature. It is not uncommon that the deepest form of this experience involves feelings of oneness with the entire cosmos and the ultimate creative principle, or God.

The fusion technique seems to provide an important channel between the psychodynamic, biographical level of the LSD experience and the transcendental states of consciousness. Patients in anaclitic therapy relate that during their nourishing exchange with the mother image, the milk seemed to be "coming directly from the Milky Way." In the imaginary re-enactment of the placentary circulation the life-giving blood can be experienced as sacramental communion, not only with the material organism, but with the divine source. Repeatedly, the situations of "fusion" have been described in all their psychological and spiritual ramifications as fulfillment of the deepest needs of human nature, and as extremely healing experiences. Some patients described this technique as offering the possibility of a retroactive intervention in their deprived childhood. When the original traumatic situations from childhood become reenacted in all their relevance and complexity with the help of the "psychedelic time-machine," the therapist's affection and loving care can fill the vacuum caused by deprivation and frustration.

The dosages used in this treatment technique ranged between 100 and 200 micrograms of LSD, sometimes with the addition of Ritalin in later hours of the sessions. Martin and McCririck described good and relatively rapidly achieved results in patients with deep neuroses or borderline psychotic disorders who had experienced severe emotional deprivation in childhood. Their papers, presentations at scientific meetings, and a film documenting the anaclitic technique stirred up an enormous amount of interest among LSD therapists and generated a great deal of fierce controversy. The reactions of colleagues to this treatment modality ranged from admiration and enthusiasm to total condemnation. Since most of the criticism from the psychoanalytically oriented therapists revolved around the violation of the psychoanalytic taboo against touching and the possible detrimental consequences of the fusion technique for transference-countertransference problems, it is interesting to describe the authors' response to this serious objection.

Both Martin and McCririck seemed to concur that they had experienced much more difficulty with transference relationships before they started using the fusion technique. According to them, it is the lack of fulfillment in the conventional therapeutic relationship that foments and perpetuates transference. The original traumatic situations are continuously reenacted in the therapeutic relationship and the patient essentially experiences repetitions of the old painful rejections. When the anaclitic needs are satisfied in the state of deep regression induced by the drug, the patients are capable of detaching themselves emotionally from the therapist and look for more appropriate objects in their real life.

This situation has a parallel in the early developmental history of the individual. Those children whose infantile emotional needs were adequately met and satisfied by their parents find it relatively easy to give up the affective ties to their family and develop independent existence. By comparison, those individuals who experienced emotional deprivation and frustration in childhood tend to get trapped during their adult life in symbiotic patterns of interaction, destructive and self-destructive clinging behavior, and life-long problems with dependence-independence. According to Martin and McCririck, the critical issue in anaclitic therapy is to use the fusion technique only during periods of deep regression, and keep the experience strictly on the pregenital level. It should not be used in the termination periods of the sessions when the anaclitic elements could get easily confused with adult sexual patterns.

The anaclitic technique never achieved wide acceptance; its use seemed to be closely related to unique personalities characteristics of its authors. Most other therapists, particularly males, found it emotionally difficult and uncomfortable to enter into the intimate situation of fusion with their clients. However, the importance of physical contact in LSD psychotherapy is unquestionable and many therapists have routinely used various less-intense forms of body contact.

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

Thanks, cellux!

That is intensely deep subject matter... makes a lot of sense to where I am right now. Changa has been stirring up this completely overwhelming and painful madness that grounds instantly with physical contact.

Some of my earlier and most therapeutic mushroom experiences have also been with intense physical contact... also was fortunate at that time to have a person I could really trust to share.

I think with Ayahuasca, I've been able to physically observe the stunting effects of infantile neglect more objectively (neural pathways that failed to develop, etc.); a full dose of smoked DMT, right now, throws me into the midst of all those emotions.

There's a lot to get through... hopefully one day, I'll get through it all.

Some years ago, before I basically bottomed out, I was strictly monogamous, but felt the need to have sex almost compulsively because there was this part of me that felt absolutely abandoned if I didn't have physical contact. Ayahuasca definitely took away the compulsion and unconsciousness, and I felt like I needed to spend a lot of time alone (a good two years) just to decompress and reflect upon my behavior and needs. But now, it's come full circle, and it would definitely be great to have HEALTHY physical contact in my life, in a conscious and balanced and non-destructive way.

The only thing that scares me, honestly, in being in a place of opening up to another person, is the loss of independence.

WHAT ISSUES!

At least I have a pretty solid opinion for a course of healing action: hugs and LSD.

 

[jamie]

I love for someone..ANYONE to touch me right now man..I just spent the last hour trembling in the dark all alone hunched over a bucket praying to beokay sucked into honeycomb abyss after honeycomb abyss..typing ANYTHING at all right now makes me feel secure..its the only thing tetheringme o this world...im cycling endlessly between cosmic unity to the point of uncontrollable love and empathy and ultimate dread, fear and horror..nothign compared to what to what it was 30 minutes ago though..

be damn careful people with those heavy admixture brews.

I feel for you minxx..sometime its just way way harder when you reach out, and noone is there....but you.

Edit..im much better now..the fear gave way finally when I gave in and Ive been in complete bliss wrapped in blankets with wonderful music eating fruit in peace.:d

 

[shoe]

Minxx: It's ghastly that you'd compare yourself to the wire-mother monkey in those studies. I think everyone else has tackled you with good advice and I feel no need to add to the allready massive wall of text;

but could you show us some pictures of your healthy muscle mass? I will match you tit-for-tat if you post them up! promise!

 

[proto-pax]

lest we forget what this forum is I don't think it's wise to post pictures of yourself.

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

Instead, I will post something even more intimate than pictures, because this is The Nexus. I share this, humorously, but with a bit of truth, so, on the subject of potent regression...

I don't know why this popped into my head recently (maybe something to do with all the drugs ), but one thing that always really upset me as a kid and made me cry was the game The Farmer in the Dell.

From Wikipedia:

The farmer in the dell
The farmer in the dell
Hi-ho, the derry-o
The farmer in the dell

The farmer takes a wife
The farmer takes a wife
Hi-ho, the derry-o
The farmer takes a wife

The wife takes a child (2x)
Hi-ho, the derry-o
The wife takes a child

The child takes a nurse (2x) . . .
The nurse takes a cow (2x) . . .
The cow takes a dog (2x) . . .
The dog takes a cat (2x) . . .
The cat takes a rat (2x) . . .
The rat takes the cheese (2x) . . .

The cheese stands alone
The cheese stands alone
Hi-Ho, the derry-o
The cheese stands alone

The players form a circle holding hands around one who is designated as the farmer, singing the first verse while moving around. When the verse is over they stop and the farmer makes his choice of a wife (sometimes without looking). The wife joins him in the center for her verse and so through the verses until either or the cheese or dog is selected or only one person is left to become the last character. They usually become the farmer for the next round.

I never EVER wanted to be the cheese. :evil:

Maybe I need to eat some mushrooms with a bunch of friends and play this game again, and change it so it ends in a giant dogpile.

 

[pau]

Thank you for saying all that Ms. M. Boy do we have a lot in common.

I never had a dog until 3 years ago...same for my wife. We just decided, with a little prodding from a friend, to take two female littermates who were 4 weeks old..an ideal time to have them bond to you, and you to them.

And bond they do. They bring incredible love and happiness into your life. Transforming.

I don't know what your living situation is, but perhaps a doctor could give you a prescription for having what is called a "service dog". I am pretty sure that in many places, that's enough to override prohibitions in leases, or could move a landlord to lighten up.