Hi! I'm Tonio, I live in the coldest, rainiest, and grayest region of Spain. I'm using a translator because even though I understand English, writing this much in it is overwhelming for me, so if there's any odd writing, it's the translator doing its thing.
Between the ages of 14 and 18, I smoked a lot of marijuana. At first, I enjoyed it, but over the years, I started experiencing nothing but bad trips: paranoia, derealization, self-loathing, etc.I quit as quickly as I could. It wasn't difficult because I genuinely hated that feeling, and besides, the people I smoked with were very cruel to me.
The problem is that over time, these feelings of paranoia and dissociation would come on randomly, sometimes lasting for hours, sometimes for months—feelings similar to the last year I smoked. It turns out that because of smoking so much marijuana at such a young age, I ended up developing bipolar disorder, a mood disorder, and chronic anxiety. And my personality changed, becoming a miserable echo of self-loathing. I have to say that since receiving the diagnosis and knowing that it's something that doesn't define me a person as a whole, I cope much better and work on it every day to find the best version of myself. I still have like one month a year where I'm in absolute shit and have episodes where I hurt myself, but not as many anymore; I've made a lot of progress since the agoraphobia I had between 18 and 21. (This year i will be 27)
I am terrified of even the smell of marijuana, because ever since then, a single puff can leave me bedrotting for a week with intrusive thoughts.
Years passed, and I went to a concert with a good friend I met online. Godspeed You! Black Emperor were playing, and I had to see them at least once because they're my favorite band. I literally quit my shitty job so I could go. It was so worth it, you can´t imagine how much i cried when they played Moya.
My friend is a huge mushroom enthusiast; so much so that his final year project and research papers were about psychedelics mixed with technology and other very complex things by brilliant people that I'd love to understand.
I never told him the story about weed, but he suggested I maybe try some for introspection, because at that time I was VERY depressed. So, after the concert, we went to his place, and he gave me some.
Oh man, the shadows blended into the hallways and walls, depth ceased to exist, everything was bright, and the textures had chromatic aberration. My friend was taking great care of me, guiding me with a very calm voice throughout the journey. The light behind him illuminated him with a messianic aura. I really love this guy; he's awesome.
He told me what things I could feel to keep me calm. He gave me objects with strange textures and jugs of hot tea because he says that warmth feels like a hug to him, and he's right.
He gave me some paper to draw on. I pressed my face to the paper and started drawing lines on top of each other without any plan, just to see what would come out. I spent a good while like that, doing nothing specific, and when I looked up, I saw that I had made a pretty nice drawing of a bird coming out of a mushroom. Hey, I wasn't trying to draw this; it just happened, and I'm a TERRIBLE artist. How did this come about? That's so cool.
I can show it to you if you want; I should have it stored somewhere.
I remember feeling like a 5-year-old again, almost like full age regression, discovering the world for the first time and interpreting reality in a different way. There was a moment when I got a little scared because I couldn't tell if 10 minutes or 8 hours had passed, but my friend was there keeping me company, calming me down with lots of love.
This is where it gets trippy. I decided to lie down and close my eyes. At first, I saw the colorful tubes from the classic Windows XP screensaver moving and making shapes to the rhythm of the music. It was great.
The high was building higher and higher. Then I sat up and decided to just think without any kind of stimulation. It's usually difficult for me because I also have ADHD, but for the first time, I was able to meditate and try to figure out what was wrong with me.
I imagine that between the tubes and the fact that I had to search for something inside myself, I started interpreting my thoughts like the Windows XP layout, and there I was, searching through the folders of my mind, like looking for a virus, something like going into system32 looking for depression.dll and deleting it once and for all. Along the way, I saw things about myself that made me very sad: how weak I am, my people-pleaser tendencies, my low self-esteem, how what I dislike most about someone is usually my own insecurities reflected back at me.
I was crying, but not sadly, I was simply crying. I was learning, and it was beautiful. For a few moments, it seemed like I was going to get paranoid, but I simply decided I didn't want to, and I felt like I was closing the pop-up window of bad vibes and moving on. I found it incredible that a drug could be so gentle. I was terrified of psychedelics because of weed, but this time I felt in control. After a while, the effects gradually wore off, and I slept like a baby, which is also very unusual for me.
The next day my friend asked me how I was doing, and I jokingly told him that I'd discovered I couldn't delete depression.dll because my ego is installed at the kernel level, as part of my very being, but that I needed to update and optimize it. It's something I have to live with, and it's something that has shaped who I am. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't have some problems. Of course, having depression is terrible, obviously, but it also humbles me, makes me more empathetic, and more self-aware.
I started working on it, making peace with myself, understanding myself, putting things into perspective. It's been quite an adventure ever since, and I'm very happy with my personal growth. Now I have more faith in other people and always try to find the best in everyone, even though sometimes they disappoint me. I've developed a bit more of a personality overall; I'm a better person.
The second time I took them was also with this friend at my place, but a much smaller dose. It felt like when weed was fun. We laughed a lot, talked about really interesting things and listened to good music.
I've always been a very "material" person, but I've always had a touch of it because my mother is quite esoteric and my father likes tarot, and we've talked a lot about how the power of the human mind and suggestion can change and influence things, and I've always truly believed in it.
I've read philosophy, sociology, psychology ¡the world is full of things! and yet I still feel like I'm missing out on something. Lately, amidst my various obsessions (I've recently become fixated on dinosaurs and Godzilla), I've been reading about synergistic theory, and it's piqued my curiosity to try DMT to explore that unknown, spiritual side. It's worth mentioning that I've also become very interested in non-Abrahamic religions and their interpretations of reality, which I find fascinating. I also have a childhood friend with Down syndrome who explained to me in great detail that he had an astral projection, i found it amazing because he didn't even know what that concept was
Now I ask, seeing that one psychedelic always makes me feel so terrible, while another made me feel good twice, what should I think? Do some make me feel good and others bad arbitrarily? Was I just lucky that they made me feel good those two times? Is it foolish to try DMT knowing that I suffer from these mental issues? I have a lot of respect for these things, I really do, but the intrigue is powerful.
I need to know, see, experience, and understand. I'm prepared to have a rough time and a bad trip, but I don't know if DMT is something that could make me completely psychotic.
That's all. Sorry for rambling, but lately I've been very passionate about things, and what better way to talk than with people who are also passionate about them?
Between the ages of 14 and 18, I smoked a lot of marijuana. At first, I enjoyed it, but over the years, I started experiencing nothing but bad trips: paranoia, derealization, self-loathing, etc.I quit as quickly as I could. It wasn't difficult because I genuinely hated that feeling, and besides, the people I smoked with were very cruel to me.
The problem is that over time, these feelings of paranoia and dissociation would come on randomly, sometimes lasting for hours, sometimes for months—feelings similar to the last year I smoked. It turns out that because of smoking so much marijuana at such a young age, I ended up developing bipolar disorder, a mood disorder, and chronic anxiety. And my personality changed, becoming a miserable echo of self-loathing. I have to say that since receiving the diagnosis and knowing that it's something that doesn't define me a person as a whole, I cope much better and work on it every day to find the best version of myself. I still have like one month a year where I'm in absolute shit and have episodes where I hurt myself, but not as many anymore; I've made a lot of progress since the agoraphobia I had between 18 and 21. (This year i will be 27)
I am terrified of even the smell of marijuana, because ever since then, a single puff can leave me bedrotting for a week with intrusive thoughts.
Years passed, and I went to a concert with a good friend I met online. Godspeed You! Black Emperor were playing, and I had to see them at least once because they're my favorite band. I literally quit my shitty job so I could go. It was so worth it, you can´t imagine how much i cried when they played Moya.
My friend is a huge mushroom enthusiast; so much so that his final year project and research papers were about psychedelics mixed with technology and other very complex things by brilliant people that I'd love to understand.
I never told him the story about weed, but he suggested I maybe try some for introspection, because at that time I was VERY depressed. So, after the concert, we went to his place, and he gave me some.
Oh man, the shadows blended into the hallways and walls, depth ceased to exist, everything was bright, and the textures had chromatic aberration. My friend was taking great care of me, guiding me with a very calm voice throughout the journey. The light behind him illuminated him with a messianic aura. I really love this guy; he's awesome.
He told me what things I could feel to keep me calm. He gave me objects with strange textures and jugs of hot tea because he says that warmth feels like a hug to him, and he's right.
He gave me some paper to draw on. I pressed my face to the paper and started drawing lines on top of each other without any plan, just to see what would come out. I spent a good while like that, doing nothing specific, and when I looked up, I saw that I had made a pretty nice drawing of a bird coming out of a mushroom. Hey, I wasn't trying to draw this; it just happened, and I'm a TERRIBLE artist. How did this come about? That's so cool.
I can show it to you if you want; I should have it stored somewhere.
I remember feeling like a 5-year-old again, almost like full age regression, discovering the world for the first time and interpreting reality in a different way. There was a moment when I got a little scared because I couldn't tell if 10 minutes or 8 hours had passed, but my friend was there keeping me company, calming me down with lots of love.
This is where it gets trippy. I decided to lie down and close my eyes. At first, I saw the colorful tubes from the classic Windows XP screensaver moving and making shapes to the rhythm of the music. It was great.
The high was building higher and higher. Then I sat up and decided to just think without any kind of stimulation. It's usually difficult for me because I also have ADHD, but for the first time, I was able to meditate and try to figure out what was wrong with me.
I imagine that between the tubes and the fact that I had to search for something inside myself, I started interpreting my thoughts like the Windows XP layout, and there I was, searching through the folders of my mind, like looking for a virus, something like going into system32 looking for depression.dll and deleting it once and for all. Along the way, I saw things about myself that made me very sad: how weak I am, my people-pleaser tendencies, my low self-esteem, how what I dislike most about someone is usually my own insecurities reflected back at me.
I was crying, but not sadly, I was simply crying. I was learning, and it was beautiful. For a few moments, it seemed like I was going to get paranoid, but I simply decided I didn't want to, and I felt like I was closing the pop-up window of bad vibes and moving on. I found it incredible that a drug could be so gentle. I was terrified of psychedelics because of weed, but this time I felt in control. After a while, the effects gradually wore off, and I slept like a baby, which is also very unusual for me.
The next day my friend asked me how I was doing, and I jokingly told him that I'd discovered I couldn't delete depression.dll because my ego is installed at the kernel level, as part of my very being, but that I needed to update and optimize it. It's something I have to live with, and it's something that has shaped who I am. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't have some problems. Of course, having depression is terrible, obviously, but it also humbles me, makes me more empathetic, and more self-aware.
I started working on it, making peace with myself, understanding myself, putting things into perspective. It's been quite an adventure ever since, and I'm very happy with my personal growth. Now I have more faith in other people and always try to find the best in everyone, even though sometimes they disappoint me. I've developed a bit more of a personality overall; I'm a better person.
The second time I took them was also with this friend at my place, but a much smaller dose. It felt like when weed was fun. We laughed a lot, talked about really interesting things and listened to good music.
I've always been a very "material" person, but I've always had a touch of it because my mother is quite esoteric and my father likes tarot, and we've talked a lot about how the power of the human mind and suggestion can change and influence things, and I've always truly believed in it.
I've read philosophy, sociology, psychology ¡the world is full of things! and yet I still feel like I'm missing out on something. Lately, amidst my various obsessions (I've recently become fixated on dinosaurs and Godzilla), I've been reading about synergistic theory, and it's piqued my curiosity to try DMT to explore that unknown, spiritual side. It's worth mentioning that I've also become very interested in non-Abrahamic religions and their interpretations of reality, which I find fascinating. I also have a childhood friend with Down syndrome who explained to me in great detail that he had an astral projection, i found it amazing because he didn't even know what that concept was
Now I ask, seeing that one psychedelic always makes me feel so terrible, while another made me feel good twice, what should I think? Do some make me feel good and others bad arbitrarily? Was I just lucky that they made me feel good those two times? Is it foolish to try DMT knowing that I suffer from these mental issues? I have a lot of respect for these things, I really do, but the intrigue is powerful.
I need to know, see, experience, and understand. I'm prepared to have a rough time and a bad trip, but I don't know if DMT is something that could make me completely psychotic.
That's all. Sorry for rambling, but lately I've been very passionate about things, and what better way to talk than with people who are also passionate about them?
