Void's Journey Into Silence

[Voidmatrix]

Through an impulse, a necessity, a whim, and by way of many factors, I've embedded myself in silence
for the last three weeks as much as I can. It is not absolute, but it is a stark contrast prior to making this
decision, where there was almost always something going in the background. Something I likely wasn't
authentically interested in, but it was there. It vaguely appealed to my dopamine system. An insidious
little trek from what got me here: feeling behind in life, so something should be going on, when I'm not
directing myself in particular towards silence for a given reason. Always broaden awareness...

But, so much bores me, and has for a long time. It's hard to engage, it's hard to connect. I don't know
what “does it for me” anymore. I feel slow and my memory is lacking. I feel overwhelmed. As such,
not much is missed or lost if I just tune out. I'm tired of feeling like a pawn conditioned into the rat-race
under the guise of survival needs. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being distracted from myself by
way of consideration of other considerations. That's a loaded statement that covers many vectors.

The silence is loud, sometimes paralyzing, but at the same time there's so much more clarity. I've been
on a medicine break since beginning this experiment aside from cannabis and microdosing. It's been
illuminating... in a good way that I also find frustrating. While there is a sort of dependency on/for
psychedelics (dependency is something I'm a bit neurotic about), there isn't a need as I had somewhat
feared, and I am in much more control that I give myself credit for. I give a f less about my worries and
concerns, that are really just permutations of self-doubt.

There's a lot of that, self-doubt... probably why I hate my writing...

Anxiety is very prevalent, and I sometimes wonder if I'm torturing myself. Someone had to remind me
that silence and deprivation are used as torture techniques... the masochist in me is being entertained at
least. There are times it feels like I'm losing my mind. Really, I'm just moving deeper into it.

I've been staring my depressive state dead in the eyes, noticing the ways in which it has physical ripple-
effects, like exacerbating my hip and back pain. Noticing and redirecting the f'd up ways it steers my
thinking. This has led to an odd phenomenon for me. My internal dialogue, which isn't always present,
and when it is is usually directed elsewhere, was actually just me and myself, not directed at a
hypothetical person or archetype.

I see more how much I torture myself in the hopes that I'll be strong enough for my ails to go away. I
see how much I suck it up... I'm looking forward to medicine work with less worry. I have my reasons
for my work and frequency of such (said to the voices in my head that try to cause a stir about it). Upon
a deep reflection while laying on my bed a few days ago, there's also no turning back at this point. The
call would happen from beyond if I tried to stay off this path. This thought came up in a usual way, out
of fear...

Aside from a little TV late at night, and an audiobook on occasion and music while at the gym,
sometimes in the car, and late at night while relaxing at my altar, it'll just be classes I'm taking, or
silence.

I decided to work on writing a new piece that I guess you could say is my own philosophy that I'm
actually trying to delineate. I didn't feel like my skepticism treatise went well. Using ChatGPT strictly
for assistance in brainstorming and structuring (things I don't have people for), I've been able to be
pretty focused writing it, sitting with and wading through the thick and ugly feelings and emotions that
commonly prevent me from doing so. But I have to do it. Not for the world or for philosophy, but for
myself. Directing myself in that way makes it a bit easier to work on.

While I've never received an official diagnosis, it does seem that I have some ADHD roiling around. It
works best for me to bounce around working on things that trying to work with one thing at a time.
Like I do with paradigms, I've been bouncing from thing to thing, and am exploring a lot of new
ventures, authentically, and sincerely putting myself out there and seeing what lands, tuning everything
else out.

There are notable, double-edged moments, seeing through the fabric of the depressive veil, and I see
strength, and beauty, and intelligence, and capability, and capacity. But those moments are
accompanied by anger and frustration as I validate my feelings and emotions about particular things
and events. And then I feel loneliness, for the depths that I've gone on the path I walk is a disparate one,
I see things very differently, something I humbly cannot help, but that isolates me none-the-less. I feel,
often times, not understood in the ways I need to be. This is simply the territory.

Torrents of emotions and feelings and memories inundate me suddenly and spontaneously. It's a lot to
carry, sit with, move through, process, and shed off...

There's also something mystical and esoteric in this process. Unsurprising since a quote about silence
being the language of God has remained with me throughout.

Trust and receive are themes for me right now, and I'm glad that I'm able to keep them in mind. I am
looking forward to taking these priorities into my next medicine session. I don't receive very well, and
haven't for a long time if ever. Of course one will go into an experience more prepared for the worst
case scenario if they can't allow themselves to receive the best case scenario, which may be more
likely. At the same time, and as shared in the past, more and more I don't give a f. I'll get to where I'm
going when I get there. It seems fitting as well, feeling like a paradoxical person that appeals to
paradox having a paradoxical experience with paradoxical substances, in that I started out running
before I could walk and am now walking, sometimes crawling, to get it out of the way.

Acceptance has been important, large, and active as well. I'm a pretty moody person, and I try to
ameliorate it, mainly for everyone else and so I can navigate the world, but I honest to God cannot help
it, and I manage it well, so I'm less apologetic about it. It's the cross I bear. Similar to how I'm not
going to apologize for “intelligent moment” when something in that realm happens to rub someone
wrong... that's actually something that contributes to my moodiness... knowing goofy shit like that may
happen.... Also, acceptance that I'm neurotic, and that may never go away... I just have to move into it...
SMOALK MOAR.

Again, and mindfully, I'm not giving a f...

I suppose to sum this all up, I've been out here intentionally losing my mind in order to find a new
balance. Yoga and cannabis have been my allies through this process, and in a week or so I'll get back
into more medicine work. I may start sooner. It'll be good training at being less hard on myself, which
has also been easier to identify in all this silence.

I intend on keeping this up throughout August. Depending on how that goes, I may continue.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

A few notes, as I forgot to add a couple of small things that there's not too much to say about, but I find them important. Naturally, something was forgotten as is what is consistent when I post.

This idea that has been imparted on me more than once in more than one way I can no longer get away from. I'm back in therapy and one thing that my therapist is really hammering in order for me to take better care of myself is that I am a very different breed... Idk if I'll ever know what to do with that, but I should probably stop ignoring and avoiding it for the sake of "optics," cuz I don't and can't care anymore.

More importantly, I have had insomnia, for three weeks. I'm losing my mind. Yet somehow functional and only improving...

What's going on? Where am I? How did I get here? Who am I?

One love

 

[blig-blug]

Thank you for sharing this @Voidmatrix . I don't have anything to offer here, other than encouragement to keep going. These more difficult situations are the ones that end up being most impactful in our lives.

More importantly, I have had insomnia, for three weeks

How many hours of sleep on average, would you say?

 

[fink]

What's going on? Where am I? How did I get here? Who am I?

- nobody has the faintest idea.

- with your nexus family who care deeply about your wellbeing and enjoy what you share.

- a series of carefully controlled accidents.

- you are birth, death and everything between those points.

 

[northape]

Oh Brother, I feel you. I honestly appreciate you for who you are, with all the fine details of your different breed character.
Normal people are simply boring. They live their lives and then regret it on their deathbeds. Being awake is pretty hard, and most people just go back to sleep.

And then I feel loneliness, for the depths that I've gone on the path I walk is a disparate one,
I see things very differently, something I humbly cannot help, but that isolates me none-the-less. I feel,
often times, not understood in the ways I need to be. This is simply the territory.

That's a tough one. It's good to have companions who are at least open to listening. The deeper you go, the fewer people can relate.

What's going on? Where am I? How did I get here? Who am I?

I'm so glad for you. This is a difficult period, but hang in there. This kind of opening couldn't be bought for all the money in the world.
I had a feeling something was brewing on your end, but I didn't realize you had gone so deep. That's admirable. I'll pray for you

 

[Tripolation]

 

[ommani]

That all sounds great @Voidmatrix . It’s cool to hear about your journey into silence, and will be interesting to hear where it takes you.

The Tibetan Bon teacher, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche talks about taking the “three precious pills” of stillness, silence, and spaciousness. By this measure, it sounds like you’ve been going hard on the pills of silence!

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you all for your kind replies

Thank you for sharing this @Voidmatrix . I don't have anything to offer here, other than encouragement to keep going. These more difficult situations are the ones that end up being most impactful in our lives.


How many hours of sleep on average, would you say?

That's okay. I appreciate the support, engagement, and you simply reading and letting it be known you read it.

On average, maybe 4. I think this may be coming to an end... though I woke up at 3:30 this morning, couldn't get an sense of further rest and was up before 5:30. It's 14:44 now.

- nobody has the faintest idea.

- with your nexus family who care deeply about your wellbeing and enjoy what you share.

- a series of carefully controlled accidents.

- you are birth, death and everything between those points.

Short, sweet, and to the point. I appreciate that, brother. As well as for the reminder about my place being here. I tend to forget aspects of that.

Oh Brother, I feel you. I honestly appreciate you for who you are, with all the fine details of your different breed character.
Normal people are simply boring. They live their lives and then regret it on their deathbeds. Being awake is pretty hard, and most people just go back to sleep.

Thank you for saying it because I can't bring myself to. It's peculiar, as this has seemed like a struggle for quite sometime [saying what I feel I ought not to say].

It's funny, saying "most people just go back to sleep," as I can't sleep Ironic.

That's a tough one. It's good to have companions who are at least open to listening. The deeper you go, the fewer people can relate.

Yeah... that's a complicated one.

@Tripolation a mix of that and this.


With some, sit-down-and-shut-ups in the mix.

That all sounds great @Voidmatrix . It’s cool to hear about your journey into silence, and will be interesting to hear where it takes you.

The Tibetan Bon teacher, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche talks about taking the “three precious pills” of stillness, silence, and spaciousness. By this measure, it sounds like you’ve been going hard on the pills of silence!

Thank you kindly brother.

I've noticed taking one leads to taking all three.

One love

 

[Sakkadelic]

314 - 315
A strong will unveils secrets like a gust of wind
Uncovering the keys to both worlds
It is the wings and feathers of the soul
Even when the treasure lies beyond reach
The striving makes the sun itself grow pale
Have you bought your Void too cheap?
Or have you yearned for it with your all?
A strong will darts swift as an arrow
Propelled by foresight and illumination
Surrender your heart to your mind
your being to your soul
and let your wings grow strong
So when the bird escapes
It boldly glides
If not, then burn your wings and feathers
and yourself as well
That you may surge ahead nonetheless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This is kind of bibliomancy, so it's heavily inspired by a text, I couldn't possibly write like that myself haha. I merely distilled it, and channeled it, with you in my heart and a light touch of gpt :b

 

[northape]

It's funny, saying "most people just go back to sleep," as I can't sleep Ironic.

Hmm, I never made a connection somehow. Maybe your strong will to be present and open to yourself keeps you awake

I've noticed taking one leads to taking all three.

Stillness, silence, and spaciousness are for settling body, speech, and mind into a natural state. However, they all lead to it, and any one pill has all three in it.
Silence is the default answer of sages. It's the main teaching of Sri Ramana and many others. You're in good company

 

[Voidmatrix]

314 - 315
A strong will unveils secrets like a gust of wind
Uncovering the keys to both worlds
It is the wings and feathers of the soul
Even when the treasure lies beyond reach
The striving makes the sun itself grow pale
Have you bought your Void too cheap?
Or have you yearned for it with your all?
A strong will darts swift as an arrow
Propelled by foresight and illumination
Surrender your heart to your mind
your being to your soul
and let your wings grow strong
So when the bird escapes
It boldly glides
If not, then burn your wings and feathers
and yourself as well
That you may surge ahead nonetheless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This is kind of bibliomancy, so it's heavily inspired by a text, I couldn't possibly write like that myself haha. I merely distilled it, and channeled it, with you in my heart and a light touch of gpt :b

You guys sure do know how to make a man feel all fuzzy wuzzy inside.

That was very beautiful, and the totality of what makes it what it is, from the content, to your intent, touches my heart in the deepest of ways. I am very humbled.

There's something deep, knit finely throughout this passage, that hits me in a core spot, that I can't quite put my finger on. One of those esoteric musings floating through the content. It makes me want to memorize it.

Hmm, I never made a connection somehow. Maybe your strong will to be present and open to yourself keeps you awake

So... chill my ass out :lol: It's a perpetual work in progress to chill out. I'm not good at hiding from things, consciously. Or taking a break before it's too late. I sometimes feel though that this current sleeplessness is part of a kindling fire that is growing within. Sort like a calcination process. The furnace just keeps getting fed. It may also be coupled with an energetic opening, like a "kundalini" rising, as my yoga practice has ramped up significantly, and some of that acceleration happened at the same time as my decision to fall into silence.

Stillness, silence, and spaciousness are for settling body, speech, and mind into a natural state. However, they all lead to it, and any one pill has all three in it.
Silence is the default answer of sages. It's the main teaching of Sri Ramana and many others. You're in good company

It's also oddly fitting for the piece I'm writing on paradox. There's a certain point where words are no longer fitting, if they ever were, aside from assuaging us. "What we can't speak of, we must pass over in silence."

One love

 

[northape]

So... chill my ass out :lol: It's a perpetual work in progress to chill out. I'm not good at hiding from things, consciously. Or taking a break before it's too late. I sometimes feel though that this current sleeplessness is part of a kindling fire that is growing within. Sort like a calcination process. The furnace just keeps getting fed. It may also be coupled with an energetic opening, like a "kundalini" rising, as my yoga practice has ramped up significantly, and some of that acceleration happened at the same time as my decision to fall into silence.

I side with your reasoning here.
Some kind of energetic process is underway, and you need to let it run its course.
Be present with it if possible. Relaxation and sleep will come when it's time.

There's a certain point where words are no longer fitting, if they ever were, aside from assuaging us. "What we can't speak of, we must pass over in silence."

It seems that Silence is the pinnacle of information storage. There is so much in it that no words can capture.
When I tried the 3-pill method, it felt like silence and space were one and the same. Silence outside and inside become one, or they're one.
Silence for the mind is like space for objects. If we shift our reference point to this greater openness, everything else becomes very small in comparison.

 

[premeditated]

Through an impulse, a necessity, a whim, and by way of many factors, I've embedded myself in silence
for the last three weeks as much as I can. It is not absolute, but it is a stark contrast prior to making this
decision, where there was almost always something going in the background. Something I likely wasn't
authentically interested in, but it was there. It vaguely appealed to my dopamine system. An insidious
little trek from what got me here: feeling behind in life, so something should be going on, when I'm not
directing myself in particular towards silence for a given reason. Always broaden awareness...

But, so much bores me, and has for a long time. It's hard to engage, it's hard to connect. I don't know
what “does it for me” anymore. I feel slow and my memory is lacking. I feel overwhelmed. As such,
not much is missed or lost if I just tune out. I'm tired of feeling like a pawn conditioned into the rat-race
under the guise of survival needs. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being distracted from myself by
way of consideration of other considerations. That's a loaded statement that covers many vectors.

The silence is loud, sometimes paralyzing, but at the same time there's so much more clarity. I've been
on a medicine break since beginning this experiment aside from cannabis and microdosing. It's been
illuminating... in a good way that I also find frustrating. While there is a sort of dependency on/for
psychedelics (dependency is something I'm a bit neurotic about), there isn't a need as I had somewhat
feared, and I am in much more control that I give myself credit for. I give a f less about my worries and
concerns, that are really just permutations of self-doubt.

There's a lot of that, self-doubt... probably why I hate my writing...

Anxiety is very prevalent, and I sometimes wonder if I'm torturing myself. Someone had to remind me
that silence and deprivation are used as torture techniques... the masochist in me is being entertained at
least. There are times it feels like I'm losing my mind. Really, I'm just moving deeper into it.

I've been staring my depressive state dead in the eyes, noticing the ways in which it has physical ripple-
effects, like exacerbating my hip and back pain. Noticing and redirecting the f'd up ways it steers my
thinking. This has led to an odd phenomenon for me. My internal dialogue, which isn't always present,
and when it is is usually directed elsewhere, was actually just me and myself, not directed at a
hypothetical person or archetype.

I see more how much I torture myself in the hopes that I'll be strong enough for my ails to go away. I
see how much I suck it up... I'm looking forward to medicine work with less worry. I have my reasons
for my work and frequency of such (said to the voices in my head that try to cause a stir about it). Upon
a deep reflection while laying on my bed a few days ago, there's also no turning back at this point. The
call would happen from beyond if I tried to stay off this path. This thought came up in a usual way, out
of fear...

Aside from a little TV late at night, and an audiobook on occasion and music while at the gym,
sometimes in the car, and late at night while relaxing at my altar, it'll just be classes I'm taking, or
silence.

I decided to work on writing a new piece that I guess you could say is my own philosophy that I'm
actually trying to delineate. I didn't feel like my skepticism treatise went well. Using ChatGPT strictly
for assistance in brainstorming and structuring (things I don't have people for), I've been able to be
pretty focused writing it, sitting with and wading through the thick and ugly feelings and emotions that
commonly prevent me from doing so. But I have to do it. Not for the world or for philosophy, but for
myself. Directing myself in that way makes it a bit easier to work on.

While I've never received an official diagnosis, it does seem that I have some ADHD roiling around. It
works best for me to bounce around working on things that trying to work with one thing at a time.
Like I do with paradigms, I've been bouncing from thing to thing, and am exploring a lot of new
ventures, authentically, and sincerely putting myself out there and seeing what lands, tuning everything
else out.

There are notable, double-edged moments, seeing through the fabric of the depressive veil, and I see
strength, and beauty, and intelligence, and capability, and capacity. But those moments are
accompanied by anger and frustration as I validate my feelings and emotions about particular things
and events. And then I feel loneliness, for the depths that I've gone on the path I walk is a disparate one,
I see things very differently, something I humbly cannot help, but that isolates me none-the-less. I feel,
often times, not understood in the ways I need to be. This is simply the territory.

Torrents of emotions and feelings and memories inundate me suddenly and spontaneously. It's a lot to
carry, sit with, move through, process, and shed off...

There's also something mystical and esoteric in this process. Unsurprising since a quote about silence
being the language of God has remained with me throughout.

Trust and receive are themes for me right now, and I'm glad that I'm able to keep them in mind. I am
looking forward to taking these priorities into my next medicine session. I don't receive very well, and
haven't for a long time if ever. Of course one will go into an experience more prepared for the worst
case scenario if they can't allow themselves to receive the best case scenario, which may be more
likely. At the same time, and as shared in the past, more and more I don't give a f. I'll get to where I'm
going when I get there. It seems fitting as well, feeling like a paradoxical person that appeals to
paradox having a paradoxical experience with paradoxical substances, in that I started out running
before I could walk and am now walking, sometimes crawling, to get it out of the way.

Acceptance has been important, large, and active as well. I'm a pretty moody person, and I try to
ameliorate it, mainly for everyone else and so I can navigate the world, but I honest to God cannot help
it, and I manage it well, so I'm less apologetic about it. It's the cross I bear. Similar to how I'm not
going to apologize for “intelligent moment” when something in that realm happens to rub someone
wrong... that's actually something that contributes to my moodiness... knowing goofy shit like that may
happen.... Also, acceptance that I'm neurotic, and that may never go away... I just have to move into it...
SMOALK MOAR.

Again, and mindfully, I'm not giving a f...

I suppose to sum this all up, I've been out here intentionally losing my mind in order to find a new
balance. Yoga and cannabis have been my allies through this process, and in a week or so I'll get back
into more medicine work. I may start sooner. It'll be good training at being less hard on myself, which
has also been easier to identify in all this silence.

I intend on keeping this up throughout August. Depending on how that goes, I may continue.

One love

I know I sound like a broken record but I've felt how you feel for 12 years straight. I got to the point I was worried how Id make it another 10years in life bc my mental and physical feel like it's dying. Isolated myself for 6 years not one single date or chilled with friends. I didn't even have a cell phone. No point. I did one session of ketamine therapy and cried for 2 hours and it reset my brain like a cpu. Changed my life...most profound experience of my life. I was living like 20 percent out of 100 of my capacity and tricked my brain into thinking 20 percent was my 100. Ketamine showed me there was 80 that I buried. Most insurance takes it and it's pretty cheap. But there is no price on getting your life back balanced.

 

[ommani]

Stillness, silence, and spaciousness are for settling body, speech, and mind into a natural state. However, they all lead to it, and any one pill has all three in it.

Yes - stillness of body, silence of speech, and spaciousness of mind.

While I tend to think of ultimate stillness and silence as being unconditioned by movement and verbal communication, I can see how relative stillness and silence as an intentional practice could be helpful for settling and getting into a more natural/attuned state.

 

[fink]

I reccomend insomnia. Always found it works wonders for ensuring a period of peace every 24 hours.

 

[Sakkadelic]

You guys sure do know how to make a man feel all fuzzy wuzzy inside.

That was very beautiful, and the totality of what makes it what it is, from the content, to your intent, touches my heart in the deepest of ways. I am very humbled.

There's something deep, knit finely throughout this passage, that hits me in a core spot, that I can't quite put my finger on. One of those esoteric musings floating through the content. It makes me want to memorize it.

awww Void I read your post and felt deeply with it. I felt compelled to do the reading, it was with no intentions.

it hit me deeply too when I first read the original passage, and whenever I read it again, and I was glad I landed on it when doing your reading.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I broke my medicine fast today as a result of reflections between my therapist and I and how it was an unnecessary fast, though there was value, in some ways I'm just torturing myself. It came about in talking about themes of loneliness on many levels, but how connections in hyperspace often alleviate that in ways, but...

He also seemed to nudge me towards leaning on the idea that there is an ontological reality to hyperspace, which I don't deny, but to do this instead of suspending judgment either way so much and seeing what happens...

He's pretty cool.

Experience was wonderful. My pipe was a little clogged so it took me three hits to get to where I was going. I knew I should've emptied it out a little bit, but I didn't want to put any more time between myself and hyperspace. It was a dynamic experience. Initially, I just melted into the space with the light visuals I had. Later, upon opening my eyes, gazing at the flux of double nebula lights on the unevenly tesselated stucko ceiling, there was a tag of emotion that got pulled. I had been storing some feelings deep down and they need to pour out... through my eyes. Then, realizing I had some unprocessed external energies roaming around in my system as well, I began to shake. I keep coming back to how hard I am on myself, and that really made me cry... It then all subsided, and I was just floating again. Towards the end, I did a bit of a yoga flow, not worrying in the moment about my torn lower labrum...

I didn't break my fast the way I wanted... but I shouldn't have been on it anyway. I wanted to get back in with pharma, but it's not like that's going anywhere.

I side with your reasoning here.
Some kind of energetic process is underway, and you need to let it run its course.
Be present with it if possible. Relaxation and sleep will come when it's time.

It seems that Silence is the pinnacle of information storage. There is so much in it that no words can capture.
When I tried the 3-pill method, it felt like silence and space were one and the same. Silence outside and inside become one, or they're one.
Silence for the mind is like space for objects. If we shift our reference point to this greater openness, everything else becomes very small in comparison.

Yeah, I'm not allowing others to let me feel like this is something that needs to be fixed, because while I've had struggles sleeping my whole life, this is a whole different demon that I am dancing with at the moment. The medicine is back. We'll see how I sleep tonight. I'm not hopeful and don't care to be, but do recognize how beneficial it would be to get some solid rest.

To add to you analogy, it also makes me think about paying more attention to the empty space in art, and how some artists create art by manipulations of that space.

I know I sound like a broken record but I've felt how you feel for 12 years straight. I got to the point I was worried how Id make it another 10years in life bc my mental and physical feel like it's dying. Isolated myself for 6 years not one single date or chilled with friends. I didn't even have a cell phone. No point. I did one session of ketamine therapy and cried for 2 hours and it reset my brain like a cpu. Changed my life...most profound experience of my life. I was living like 20 percent out of 100 of my capacity and tricked my brain into thinking 20 percent was my 100. Ketamine showed me there was 80 that I buried. Most insurance takes it and it's pretty cheap. But there is no price on getting your life back balanced.

Ya know, I think ketamine hits different for everyone. I've done it, and it's great. But I don't come back to it like I do other substances and entheogens. Maybe it's a deprivation trigger in my mind that causes this. I have plenty of the nasal spray. My other issue, especially now that I'm smoalking changa again is my trepidation about having harmalas anywhere near ketamine in my system at the same time. I should probably do some research on this to see what they window of time is that I should wait between harmala dosage and ketamine dosage.

Also, every time I do ketamine, it "talks to me" about DMT.

While I tend to think of ultimate stillness and silence as being unconditioned by movement and verbal communication, I can see how relative stillness and silence as an intentional practice could be helpful for settling and getting into a more natural/attuned state.

What the hell is natural when change is constant anyway I got jokes.

I reccomend insomnia. Always found it works wonders for ensuring a period of peace every 24 hours.

Not for me!

awww Void I read your post and felt deeply with it. I felt compelled to do the reading, it was with no intentions.

it hit me deeply too when I first read the original passage, and whenever I read it again, and I was glad I landed on it when doing your reading.

All I can say is thank you again for sharing and having me in your thoughts.

One love

 

[northape]

not worrying in the moment about my torn lower labrum...

Ouch, how are you doing? I'm no physician, but it sounds very painful.

I wanted to get back in with pharma, but it's not like that's going anywhere.

As you may know, I like longer immersion in medicine and oral consumption. I feel like sometimes we need a bit more time in that realm to purge and realign.

To add to you analogy, it also makes me think about paying more attention to the empty space in art, and how some artists create art by manipulations of that space.

Some musician friends always pointed out to me that music is an art of punctuating silence. It feels like a cliché in the field, but there is some truth to the statement.

What the hell is natural when change is constant anyway I got jokes.

Maybe being in the flow of constant change is natural. I feel like being at home in the body and mind is natural.
It leads to relaxation and acceptance of reality. With time, we relax into the ultimate Nature of what is.
My speculations on the subject.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Ouch, how are you doing? I'm no physician, but it sounds very painful.

There's some irony in you asking and what I'm about to share that I think you specifically (as well as others) will catch on to. The injury that cause my current situation was 8 years ago... I've been dealing with this, working through it, trying to be strong through it, for 8 years... On top of the tear, there's glute atrophy, and I have degenerative disc disease in my L4 and L5 as well as a disc bulge in both spots pressing on a nerve.

Point is, I try and I try, but obviously I don't know how to be very good to myself...

As you may know, I like longer immersion in medicine and oral consumption. I feel like sometimes we need a bit more time in that realm to purge and realign.

Self-doubt makes me worry about the time frame, though all of my pharma experiences have been great. Changa is nice because it's longer and more coherent the just freebase NN-DMT, and it's easy to redose, which I try to do.

Some musician friends always pointed out to me that music is an art of punctuating silence. It feels like a cliché in the field, but there is some truth to the statement.

I've seen it this way as well. I mean, in written music, the space itself is symbolized not only by the duration of sequential notes, but also explicitly by rest symbols.

Maybe being in the flow of constant change is natural. I feel like being at home in the body and mind is natural.
It leads to relaxation and acceptance of reality. With time, we relax into the ultimate Nature of what is.
My speculations on the subject.

Kierkegaard would beef with you on this. He'd likely ask who says we're supposed to relax when our default state is anxiety again, I got jokes.

One love

 

[northape]

There's some irony in you asking and what I'm about to share that I think you specifically will (as well as others) will catch on to. The injury that cause my current situation was 8 years ago... I've been dealing with this, working through it, trying to be strong through it, for 8 years... On top of the tear, there's glute atrophy, and I have degenerative disc disease in my L4 and L5 as well as a disc bulge in both spots pressing on a nerve.

Point is, I try and I try, but obviously I don't know how to be very good to myself...

I'm looking after my elderly mom, and she has a few of these lumbar disk issues. It looks scary when one gets older.
She can barely go longer than 30m (100ft). And any kind of work or weights above 2kg (4lb) are out of the question.
Her health deteriorated very quickly after a certain age. These lower back injuries are no joke.

Yoga, and maybe stem cell therapy if it is possible in your case.
It's not even about being kind to yourself anymore, but a simple matter of survival.

Edit: I've been an idiot to my body for years. Finding balance is tough, and I still struggle to be kind to myself.
But the other choice is pain and lots of it later on. Guys have it even worse, because lots of our identity is built upon physical strength.
With age, flexibility plays a huge role in a healthy lifestyle. I feel like yogic practice and actually listening to the body leads to kindness.

Much love