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Void's Paranoia and Neuroses Thread

northape said:
I want to do medicine, but I also don't. It's an ego destructor, in a sense.
So part of me longs for surrender and transcendence, while the other says screw it all. There is no consistency.
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I understand that. And I think that others share a similar experience. But the divide in question isn't like this one.

northape said:
I'm in a pretty dark spot in my work at the moment. I'd say one needs a solid practice outside of medicine
to govern it all in a somewhat sane direction. That's about it. So, yeah, it's all pretty normal 🤣
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Sending you a big ol hug 🫂

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
Neuroses:

I'm going to be brief with this funny one. The only introduction is that I've spoken at length about my struggles allowing myself into the psychedelic space.

1. I'm hard on myself for not doing DMT. And for not going further.
2. I'm hard on myself for doing DMT.

Please bear in mind, this is a dark humor thread. Feel free to laugh at me because this shit is ridiculous, or as Camus would say, absurd.

:ROFLMAO:

One love
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The way I've responded to this perpetual quandary is by setting a strict rule of physically travelling to the site where I will sit (or stumble around incoherently) with medicine. YMMV, of course - nor does this help all that much when the intention is for regular and frequent use, unless you're willing to finance a private jet or chauffeur or something.
 
In my case, when I was worried about using psychedelics too frequently, a switch to a longer duration substance helped, by making it impractical to partake on a whim. In my case, I was overusing mushrooms: it's good I didn't have access to vaporized DMT then, as mushrooms are very impractical on a whim as compared to it. I switched to LSD and that really ended my overuse.

About what is overuse and isn't: I think it's usually clear during the experience itself. In my experience, I've never felt like I was over using psychedelics if it didn't look like that during the experience, and vice versa.

During my last Ayahuasca experience, it became clear to me that it's not the right moment for me to experience changa or vaporized DMT, as right now I need and benefit from having to reserve some hours, being mindful of what I eat before and how much, and having to plan it carefully.

In summary, in my case having a longer and more intense experience strikes the balance where I have to force myself to do it, but not too much.
 
Gee guys, I gotta say, thank you for the feedback and advice.

My issue isn't so much worry about overuse, as in presently overusing, but rather that I will or may overuse🤣 My issue back in the day wasn't doing it too often, but going too far (and not realizing it until years later).

My use over the past several years has only been beneficial (so now I'm thinking about the other shoe), but the concern, for whatever reason remains.

All the same, this is definitely encouraging 🤣

Round and round we go.

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
Neuroses:

I'm going to be brief with this funny one. The only introduction is that I've spoken at length about my struggles allowing myself into the psychedelic space.

1. I'm hard on myself for not doing DMT. And for not going further.
2. I'm hard on myself for doing DMT.

Please bear in mind, this is a dark humor thread. Feel free to laugh at me because this shit is ridiculous, or as Camus would say, absurd.

:ROFLMAO:

One love
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I know it's an individual experience. But I think if I had a consistent dmt partner I wouldn't be afraid to go further. Just someone to remind me to breath and I'm still alive. Why are you hard on yourself for doing dmt?
 
premeditated said:
I know it's an individual experience. But I think if I had a consistent dmt partner I wouldn't be afraid to go further. Just someone to remind me to breath and I'm still alive. Why are you hard on yourself for doing dmt?
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Oh, that's the funny part and also highlights some of my neuroses: I can go the distance if someone is around. Shit, I did it Gaia TV! But get me alone, and it's a different scenario and suddenly, the same gusto ain't there. What does this show? In some ways, ya boi ain't cool with himself.

As for why I'm hard on myself about doing DMT... cuz ya boi ain't cool with himself 🤣

Transform said:
I recommend going barefoot as often as possible/practicable.
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Barefoot shoes on the regular!

20250619_185818.jpg

One love
 
I bet you are more ok with yourself than the average male. At least you are aware..especially noticeable when you speak with someone who isn't even close to self awareness. It would be groovy to have an equally serious and curious trip partner...not someone who is mainly doing it bc they want to please you.
 
premeditated said:
I bet you are more ok with yourself than the average male. At least you are aware..especially noticeable when you speak with someone who isn't even close to self awareness. It would be groovy to have an equally serious and curious trip partner...not someone who is mainly doing it bc they want to please you.
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You're very kind. Thank you 🙏🏽

It's funny you mention people pleasing. For the experiences I've gone the deepest/furthest, it's always seemed like a spectacle for others. Now, that's not  why I do it, but naturally that energy impacts the energy of the space and subsequently the experience. In one instance, it was pretty much literal pressure to do it when i did, an ungodly amount, and led to an experience that I feel within but can't remember.

One love
 
Deep, deep down in my loins, I feel this fear. The dose is irrelevant. I could have 10mg ready and consciously know that I won't go as far as my first three journeys (all somewhere in the range of 200-300mg sandwich method), yet the same inner state of preparation for such an eventuality still remains; the dropping of my heart into my ass, the implosion of my core and that sucking feeling in my stomach, vibration and shaking anxiety and nervousness. Soooo.... that's a trauma response, and for the past 15 years, my work has been a sort of trauma work with this medicine... oh the masochist in me :LOL:

One love
 
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premeditated said:
Why are you hard on yourself for doing dmt?
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Alright let me give you more of a legitimate answer. Why am I hard on myself for doing DMT? Well, the answer highlights how I'm hard on myself on all fronts really. There is an element of self-doubt. Doubt about what? Well, there's the doubt about my ability, skill, and capacity to handle the experience. This is a silly doubt considering my psychedelic history and career and also by virtue of the fact that I keep coming back. However, the doubt in question is a doubt about my reasons and purpose behind doing DMT. One of the reasons that I use this medicine is to help me manage my own mental health. From a generalized societal standpoint, this is "unacceptable" or "druggie" behavior. I know this is horseshit. Most people don't know or aren't aware of what I'm aware of with regard to these molecules, their effects, their benefits, and their side-effects, but the societal standard still remains in the recesses of my subconsious. This is societal or cultural trauma. There are other reasons and incentives for my medicine use as well, but those also would rarely be understood by someone who is not immersed in this same fray. It's also starting to escape words. Another note, I don't want to have to rely on anything in order to help me with my mental health. Under this scope, DMT, harmalas, changa, etc are things that there is a "dependency" for. Here's the fallacy: technically, anyone necessitating any pharmaceutical drug for long periods of time to aid their well-being and quality of life has a dependency, so why is my non-pharmaceutical choice any more or less "bad" when I'm being extremely mindful, perhaps even more so than someone on a regularly prescribed pharmaceutical? This doubt extends to ideas like "am I doing it too much" which I probably don't have to worry about because I have mindful parameters in place to help prevent that, even when frequency of use is what some may consider "high."

I probably also don't have to worry because I haven't popped off in a way that sounds alarm bells by anyone in this community. I am apart of at least two communities that I have been waiting for it from, only to be met with the opposite. So we can then ask: when will I take the hint.

One love

Note: Parameters of the above mentioned doubt are necessary and require a delicate touch, for while some of this doubt is also a trauma response, some of it comes from my skeptical philosophy, and in order to be extensive and exhaustive with such a philosophy, leaving no stone unturned, I am not exempt from said philosophy and neither is what I think, within the bounds of this philosophy and outside those bounds.
 
Voidmatrix said:
Deep, deep down in my loins, I feel this fear. The dose is irrelevant. I could have 10mg ready and consciously know that I won't go as far as my first three journeys (all somewhere in the range of 200-300mg sandwich method), yet the same inner state of preparation for such an eventuality still remains; the dropping of my heart into my ass, the implosion of my core and that sucking feeling in my stomach, vibration and shaking anxiety and nervousness. Soooo.... that's a trauma response, and for the 15 years, my work has been a sort of trauma work with this medicine... oh the masochist in me :LOL:

One love
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Now that's what I call poetry! :LOL:
Voidmatrix said:
Another note, I don't want to have to rely on anything in order to help me with my mental health. Under this scope, DMT, harmalas, changa, etc are things that there is a "dependency" for. Here's the fallacy: technically, anyone necessitating any pharmaceutical drug for long periods of time to aid their well-being and quality of life has a dependency, so why is my non-pharmaceutical choice any more or less "bad" when I'm being extremely mindful, perhaps even more so than someone on a regularly prescribed pharmaceutical?
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A great point in a great post - it (this taboo) may stem from the progressive incursion of the medical/pharmaceutical profession upon our rights of self-medication. Now that we (for the moment) live in a time of abundance of information, these notions of protecting people from themselves are in the process of becoming ever-more outdated. Is ignorance the enemy here?
 
Transform said:
Now that's what I call poetry! :LOL:

A great point in a great post - it (this taboo) may stem from the progressive incursion of the medical/pharmaceutical profession upon our rights of self-medication. Now that we (for the moment) live in a time of abundance of information, these notions of protecting people from themselves are in the process of becoming ever-more outdated. Is ignorance the enemy here?
Click to expand...
Thank you and great question. I think over-zealousness and over-confidence may be more to blame than ignorance, though these are both instances of a lacking awareness, so can still be subsumed into ignorance. When one doesn't acknowledge what they don't know and then proceeds as though they do know, we get goofy shit, like certain types of legislation. The other thing that comes to mind is the slow change of the tide within the realm of institutions, from political to educational, they tend to lag behind with outdated information and methodologies.

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
Alright let me give you more of a legitimate answer. Why am I hard on myself for doing DMT? Well, the answer highlights how I'm hard on myself on all fronts really. There is an element of self-doubt. Doubt about what? Well, there's the doubt about my ability, skill, and capacity to handle the experience. This is a silly doubt considering my psychedelic history and career and also by virtue of the fact that I keep coming back. However, the doubt in question is a doubt about my reasons and purpose behind doing DMT. One of the reasons that I use this medicine is to help me manage my own mental health. From a generalized societal standpoint, this is "unacceptable" or "druggie" behavior. I know this is horseshit. Most people don't know or aren't aware of what I'm aware of with regard to these molecules, their effects, their benefits, and their side-effects, but the societal standard still remains in the recesses of my subconsious. This is societal or cultural trauma. There are other reasons and incentives for my medicine use as well, but those also would rarely be understood by someone who is not immersed in this same fray. It's also starting to escape words. Another note, I don't want to have to rely on anything in order to help me with my mental health. Under this scope, DMT, harmalas, changa, etc are things that there is a "dependency" for. Here's the fallacy: technically, anyone necessitating any pharmaceutical drug for long periods of time to aid their well-being and quality of life has a dependency, so why is my non-pharmaceutical choice any more or less "bad" when I'm being extremely mindful, perhaps even more so than someone on a regularly prescribed pharmaceutical? This doubt extends to ideas like "am I doing it too much" which I probably don't have to worry about because I have mindful parameters in place to help prevent that, even when frequency of use is what some may consider "high."

I probably also don't have to worry because I haven't popped off in a way that sounds alarm bells by anyone in this community. I am apart of at least two communities that I have been waiting for it from, only to be met with the opposite. So we can then ask: when will I take the hint.

One love

Note: Parameters of the above mentioned doubt are necessary and require a delicate touch, for while some of this doubt is also a trauma response, some of it comes from my skeptical philosophy, and in order to be extensive and exhaustive with such a philosophy, leaving no stone unturned, I am not exempt from said philosophy and neither is what I think, within the bounds of this philosophy and outside those bounds.
Click to expand...
Sorry response is short bc I'm at work. You sound a lot like me mentally. Throughout my hardcore drug days I observed how far ppl would ruin their lives based off consciousness. I'm not trying to speak like I'm Freud and maybe choosing the wrong words but correct me please. My point is the critical self analysis that mainly feels like a curse is probably our greatest strength. The main reason I didn't throw my life away to drugs is bc I wasn't excepted by the moral less community. The higher I got the more my subconscious best my ass. So in a room of emotionless ppl trying to escape I was the only one asking questions. Like wtf happened in your past for you to be in this hotel room shooting the most dangerous chemicals. I'm not preaching but I'm the worst and rumination and beating up myself. Until recently I started understanding and embracing the gift. 99 percent of the things we worry that ppl are judging is about is false. Bc we are too busy judging ourselves. And it makes me want to cry thinking about how much time I've wasted in that mindset. We are all creatures of addiction. I'm starting to believe I'm so used to chasos and self destruction and psychedelics can heal me. Me being afraid to do dmt is the devil on my shoulder scared I'll silence him forever. But if it was a choice to take shots of alcohol don't even think twice. When it has no positive side effects..Last longer..kills liver..dehydration.. lowers cognitive abilities...and I can't workout for a couple days. But nervous about 15 mins of pure bliss and self reflection
 
Voidmatrix said:
For the experiences I've gone the deepest/furthest, it's always seemed like a spectacle for others.
Click to expand...
I think the idea that there's something wrong with that, because it would make it have an aspect of "dishonesty" or something like that, is a cultural trait that is not present in most other cultures. The romantic (in the literal, 19th century meaning of the term) ideas of a "true self" and "being authentic" as somehow related to honesty.

In shamanistic societies, what shamans do has a lot of performance. Shamans attempt to induce an experience of reliving "mythical time" and give a symbolic framework to their community. In many cases, it even involves what we would call "magic tricks". However, there's no deception there: that the finger pointing to the moon is not actually itself the moon is not deception.

There's nothing wrong with making a spectacle for others, as long as there's no intention to manipulate or deceive. It can actually be a gift to them. We often have the idea that if an artist is not "expressing his true self" we are being deceived, and that completely misses the point of both art and mysticism. In principle, someone capable of deliberately creating an experience for others will be more mature than someone else "just expressing himself". Making a good performance requires being mindful enough to step back from the game for a while and create together with the "public" a temporary, alternate reality.

Of course, I understand that when your goal is to go deep into your mind, you will prefer to not do any kind of performance. Every activity has its own appropriate moment. But I wanted to give a more positive view about the nature of performing for others in an honest way.
 
Voidmatrix said:
I share some of these things here and there, but I thought it could be good for me to learn to laugh at myself more and to give everyone else a chuckle from time to time.

Today's:
Recently, I had some changa that I'm confident contracted some mold. So I compiled all of it and what to have a ceremony where I honor and burn it all, effectively saying goodbye. I don't like that so much wonderful, helpful, fulfilling medicine has been lost.

That said, I recently made a new batch of my favorite blend. When I dried it, I let the fan dry it for several days. It was dry to the touch. I stuffed it all into its jar...
Over the past few days I've had thoughts relating to worry about if I dried it out enough.
Now I know that there is some paranoia involved in all of this, but I still dumped out the whole jar to allow it to air dry again... and then a half hour later I placed it all back in its storage jar.
Now, I'm wondering if I should dump it out again.
I don't want to waste my medicine.

One love
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get a silica packet and keep it really dry.
 
premeditated said:
Sorry response is short bc I'm at work. You sound a lot like me mentally. Throughout my hardcore drug days I observed how far ppl would ruin their lives based off consciousness. I'm not trying to speak like I'm Freud and maybe choosing the wrong words but correct me please. My point is the critical self analysis that mainly feels like a curse is probably our greatest strength. The main reason I didn't throw my life away to drugs is bc I wasn't excepted by the moral less community. The higher I got the more my subconscious best my ass. So in a room of emotionless ppl trying to escape I was the only one asking questions. Like wtf happened in your past for you to be in this hotel room shooting the most dangerous chemicals. I'm not preaching but I'm the worst and rumination and beating up myself. Until recently I started understanding and embracing the gift. 99 percent of the things we worry that ppl are judging is about is false. Bc we are too busy judging ourselves. And it makes me want to cry thinking about how much time I've wasted in that mindset. We are all creatures of addiction. I'm starting to believe I'm so used to chasos and self destruction and psychedelics can heal me. Me being afraid to do dmt is the devil on my shoulder scared I'll silence him forever. But if it was a choice to take shots of alcohol don't even think twice. When it has no positive side effects..Last longer..kills liver..dehydration.. lowers cognitive abilities...and I can't workout for a couple days. But nervous about 15 mins of pure bliss and self reflection
Click to expand...
I appreciate your response. Many would say I think too much (and i think they think too little, to each their own 🤣). Never have I ever been okay with my overwrought worry in such a manner. You make a lot of good points here. Especially at the end. This shit is good for me.

Also, answer how you like. You've probably noticed I have a lot more brevity in my responses than in the past.

blig-blug said:
I think the idea that there's something wrong with that, because it would make it have an aspect of "dishonesty" or something like that, is a cultural trait that is not present in most other cultures. The romantic (in the literal, 19th century meaning of the term) ideas of a "true self" and "being authentic" as somehow related to honesty.

In shamanistic societies, what shamans do has a lot of performance. Shamans attempt to induce an experience of reliving "mythical time" and give a symbolic framework to their community. In many cases, it even involves what we would call "magic tricks". However, there's no deception there: that the finger pointing to the moon is not actually itself the moon is not deception.

There's nothing wrong with making a spectacle for others, as long as there's no intention to manipulate or deceive. It can actually be a gift to them. We often have the idea that if an artist is not "expressing his true self" we are being deceived, and that completely misses the point of both art and mysticism. In principle, someone capable of deliberately creating an experience for others will be more mature than someone else "just expressing himself". Making a good performance requires being mindful enough to step back from the game for a while and create together with the "public" a temporary, alternate reality.

Of course, I understand that when your goal is to go deep into your mind, you will prefer to not do any kind of performance. Every activity has its own appropriate moment. But I wanted to give a more positive view about the nature of performing for others in an honest way.
Click to expand...
I love the pitfalls of text communication 🤣 I meant that it's a spectacle to others, whether I want it to be or not, so everything you said still applies and it interestingly adds a layer of comfort I don't always have in being observed, in hyperspace and in general. It's like I have embodied what you've mentioned "shamanically" without meaning to... something for me to chew on.

One love
 
blig-blug said:
That was more or less the point! Sorry because I was not particularly articulate. Maybe if you see that happen and can't avoid it, it could be good to embrace it for the moment.
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There's definitely times, internally and externally where there seems to be the message relating to "being made for this shit." 🤣

One love

Edit: "Lightning in the blood" as some would say.
 
While my main squeeze has been changa for quite some time and I don't see that changing, ya boy really needs to venture out more.

Oh the self-deprivation, pernicious specter of my past, let me receive and give myself what I want, dammit.

Oh, sorry, back to topic at hand.

I have so many goodies: 2c-b synthetic mescaline, some mushroom goo, lots of mushrooms, some MDMA, among other things, but it just sits there.

So deep and lost in the trenches of my mental health I'm too worried to do them. Granted, I want to do them alone, especially some of the first time ones, but it would be easier with a trusted compatriot.

It would probably be a good idea though. I mean... drugs!

Ha, I don't mean it like that. I do hold a sacred esteem for these mental algorithm tuners.

Like, damn, take some risk. Stop worrying about too much and all this other nonsense. I don't tend to be escapism! Trust! Self trust! That's what we're dancing around.

I think I'll get some testing kits for the 2c-b and mescaline to take a step to assuage my worry and move me closer to new experiences.

One love
 
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