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Why do I panic?

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I appreciate this thread very much, as I always have trouble letting go. I am working on my vaporization technique to see if that will help me cross over. Now I can ponder on some of the other suggestions. I can breakthrough on ayahuasca, but not vaporization, unless I am on another substance first. One time, the entities were joking with me about how difficult it was for me to shed my 'ego'. They were trying to help me, but they gave up. I mean, they = me, so I guess I get it. I find the internal dialog to be nearly impossible to turn off. I always think about "how am I going to describe this" or 'what do I need to tell this person'. Maybe I just need a larger dose or better technique. I usually get stuck in 'chaotic land', but sometimes I am a very content, blissful observer. I am rarely a participant in the action, except when on ayahuasca.

I think I have been helped here
Thank you
 
Entheojen said:
Thanks for that reassuring reply lol. And is there a traumatic reentry?
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For me, not really. There can be some fear as the ego reemerges within the space, but for me it's very manageable - and by the time this occurs all physical turmoil has long since been resolved. It's a very interesting period, really, as you're vaguely aware of another reality, but still firmly present in that one. At that point, the peak will slowly begin to resolve itself, often manifesting for me as an actual condensing of my physical surroundings (think a series of rooms that physically shrink or fold in upon themselves until they are no longer able to contain you), and when it ends, it's usually a pretty abrupt transition (though benign and often emotional). Sometimes it will even end for me with some kind of release or orgasm. Once, for example, as awareness of the concept of "me" reawakened, I transformed into liquid contained in some kind of a large glass urn in a stream bed. I was aware of a body waiting for me, but in that space there was none. The peak resolved as the vessel broke and I spilled out into the running stream.

childofthetao said:
I do prefer to be alone, I have a social phobia and am only fully comfortable alone, and when I do spice I need maximum comfort.
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I understand this and can relate to wanting to keep it as private as possible. But you're never going to pass through the door if you can't get an adequate dose, and what you are doing ain't cuttin' the mustard. Half of 15mg just isn't nearly enough. What you are getting is all of the fear, all of the twisting, fucked up dysphoria, and none of the real beauty.

Shayku said:
Do you launch alone? Do you have music playing? Once you've inhaled, do you close your eyes? Are you sitting down, or lying down? Are you doing this in your room? Are other people in the house who's presence might bother you? Or are you in the woods, alone? What do you think about just before? Is it a struggle to force yourself to do it, or do you take deep breaths, waiting for the mind to be calm, making yourself receptive? Maybe I'm just difficult, but I tend to place a lot of importance on these things. I need my mind to feel supple before I launch, because I know it'll be a shock if it's not.
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These things are SO important. Set and setting is EVERYTHING. Ritualizing helps one prepare for the necessary traumas involved, and it's vital to staying malleable once you feel yourself coming apart. Take some time to center yourself BEFORE you pick up the pipe. Make sure your space is clean, hospitable and free from outside distractions. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing, or try to embrace the carrier wave and surf it into the space.
 
We seem to be in the same boat childofthetao, my thread was posted by Ljosalfar. Keep at it, I've not tried to dose again since my bad experience but I will sometime soon.. Do keep us updated, I really think all the anxiety and fear both you and I are feeling this early in our journey with DMT is a result of being very very close to shedding the self and giving in or "breaking through". It is very difficult to remain calm though once you're at that point where you forget that you've taken a drug but not yet at the point where you're so far from this reality that you're just an observer.
 
childofthetao said:
I want to experience the wonder that everyone talks about, but when I take a hit of DMT I feel like I am going crazy and panic sets in...
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Well that wonder everyone talks about comes with a prize. The prize is to be able to overcome your fear. And that can take a lot of practice. But smoking a sub-breakthrough dose can be uncomfortable, and can scare you so you don't want to smoke more. But smoking more will usually end up in a easier trip. It's like when airplanes go through the wall of sound. While they are very close to the wall of sound, and while going through it they are taking a lot of stress. But once through the stress is over and they just fly smooth.
Breaking through is maybe like going through the wall of light or something.

So to get there you just have to do it. But preparing for it can make it a lot easier. Set and setting! And slow breathing and relaxation help a lot.
 
Things didn't exactly go as planned last night, but the results were still positive.

I have a breathing exercise I practise twice a day for fifteen minutes, I consciously connect my breathing (breathing with no gaps between breaths, from a book called The Presence Process). I did this then I laid on my bed, eyes closed, got comfy as though I was going to go to sleep. After five minutes of laying there feeling my self breath I sat up and reached for the bong. The lights were out, my monitor the only source of light and I has it set to the lowest brightness setting.

The amount of spice I loaded was less than last time, but my intent was to hit it and feel the fear/discomfort, lose the fear then hit again.

So I toke, it wasn't much but I managed to take it all. I then began to feel the fear. I also felt out of breath because I was inhaling through the bong for longer than I was really comfortable with. I then laid on my bed (more specifically I fell sidewards as I was already on my bed) and closed my eyes. The feeling of being out of breath (and the fear of that) intensified a little, I remember someone saying in this thread that your mindset is amplified immensely, I was scared this feeling would intensify,

So far like three or four seconds have passed since the toke. I was really feeling scared, it was a very familiar "up my chest into my face" physical feeling I was so very familiar with (my phobias feel like this).

Then after a few seconds that feeling didn't exactly change, it stayed the same feeling but what I was experiencing changed, and this was now something of a very pleasant feeling, that cold up my chest into my face feeling was now very comfortable and cosy and I didn't want it to end. Once I felt my eyes moving I knew it was over and I exitedly reached for my vial to pour more spice into the bowl. I was really looking for to my next hit.

I just remembered something :D Before I took the hit I was was nervous, during the breathing I remember praying to the "DMT Spirit" asking for a pleasant experience. thank you DMT Spirit!

Now this is where the plan goes capput! I don't fully understand what happened but I poured more spice into the bowl (not much at all but more than the previous hit) and poured ash over it. I tried eagerly but nothing at all came through my bong so I mixed the ash around and tried again, still nothing but I did notice I slightly burned some (what looked like only tiny amount) of the spice, an amount so small it surely couldn't have been the entirety of the load.

Anyway, I never managed to get a second hit, it simply didn't happen so I put my bong away and got ready for bed. It was very late and I had to be up and out early this morning.

But even so last night was so good, I actually FELT something good and now I am excited about my next attempt!

Thanks everyone for the advice!
 
SWIM has found over the years through personal experience and that of FOAF's, that spice often takes a few experience in order to become accustomed to the feeling of letting go. A few small experiences are fine to start with to get a guage of your dose threshold, to become familiar with the 'feeling' of being out of body and of being in a place that feels unfamiliar and alien, but to SWIM, the best way to get there (once you understand your threshold), is to LOAD UP!!!
SWIM reports that he finds the smaller or lower dose experiences to be the more terrifying. SWIM puts this down to the fact that they are generally 'undirected' experiences, which can be confusing and do bring on that dreaded feeling where you feel as though there's something wrong with you and you wont be the same again, even though youve been there numerous times, and a part of you knows you'll be fine in another ten minutes time.
Keeping in mind that set and setting play a role, SWIM has ALWAYS found that his larger dose experiences have been the least terrifying, in part possibly to SWIMS 'intention' and personal ritual ect beforehand, but also to the fact that on his large doses, SWIM is transported so hard and fast into the places he goes, that there is no time or place for terror. With a large dose, SWIM has been transported whilst still pulling the bong. (typically 2/3 of cone of weed mixed 60/40 with tabacco, and "haystack" the rest of the cone with spice, and a sprinkle more weed on top to get the party started)
These experiences are always "entity contact" experiences, that follow a similar format in which he sees geometric spirals, bursts through into a place made of energy? in which there are many caverns and tunnels going everywhere. SWIM feels almost as though he is in some living organism of some sort, which is made of pure energy, yet alive, and concious. SWIM is scanned, both his body and then his mind. The entity then communicates to him telepathically and also visually, showing him things in his life which he must focus on. Things he has done and why they are wrong. It shows him the effects of his actions. SWIM always finds the 'download' of these messages so intense, with cavernous walls of energy pulsing around him, neon visuals flashing on and off, and off,behind his eyes, and the 'moral' of the 'story' being drilled telepathically into his head, its hard to be terrified. He does however,still feel that "off" and "alien" feeling as he's coming back down, but after a huge experience, this is nothing,as compared to his small experiences. SWIM wonders if this may be due to the fact that after a huge experience you're so caught up in the awe of what you just experienced that the excitement takes most of the 'edge' off?
 
childofthetao said:
Things didn't exactly go as planned last night, but the results were still positive.

I have a breathing exercise I practise twice a day for fifteen minutes, I consciously connect my breathing (breathing with no gaps between breaths, from a book called The Presence Process). I did this then I laid on my bed, eyes closed, got comfy as though I was going to go to sleep. After five minutes of laying there feeling my self breath I sat up and reached for the bong. The lights were out, my monitor the only source of light and I has it set to the lowest brightness setting.
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Interesting, that book was just given to me by my sister, who that I could benefit greatly from it :) Apparently, I focus too much on what should, could, or would be or have been, when I should really be focusing on what IS NOW. This is according to her, as I have not actually cracked the cover on it yet. One of these days...

On topic: I have only a few attempts with vapped DMT, but I can appreciate how focusing only on WHAT IS, and more importantly accepting that and not trying to emotionally fight it or deny it would be quite a positive practice.

A quick question that you can approach as rhetorical if you would rather not share: have you had a traumatic psychedelic experience in the past before experimenting with DMT? All of my hallucinogenic experiences had always been awesome until one very uncomfortable mushroom trip, and I have never been able to fully let go and enjoy the experience since then.
 
A quick question that you can approach as rhetorical if you would rather not share: have you had a traumatic psychedelic experience in the past before experimenting with DMT? All of my hallucinogenic experiences had always been awesome until one very uncomfortable mushroom trip, and I have never been able to fully let go and enjoy the experience since then.
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I have had only one psychedelic experience on mushrooms, and I absolutely loved the experience. My handful of minor DMT experiences I won't really call psychedelic. So I'm basically very new to the psychedelic experience.

My entire childhood was traumatic and it is that which has left me unable to "to fully let go and enjoy the experience", ANY experience. It's deep stuff.

The Presence Process is more like a black hole then a book at least for me, it just sucks me into it and I can't put it down.

But in order to actually do the breathing process right you can NOT rely on the book alone as it is simply not adequately described, you need to also download the audio file so you can hear the breathing rate. I was doing the process for months, when I found the audio file I was shocked to experience the difference. If you can't find the audio file drop me a PM. And the revised edition of the book has a lot of "fluff" removed. The breathing technique is intense and challenging when done right, and you can't get it right from the text alone (at least I couldn't).

I would say that your uncomfortable psychedelic experience left you with some unintegrated "stuff", just as my life (well, everyone's really) has left me with lots of unintegrated "stuff". I'd crack that cover asap, you just might be very glad you did.

I've been at for at least 15 weeks now, and I'm just realizing it is something to be carried with you and learned from for as long as you are breathing (the process that is, not the book, although I can see myself re-reading it many times).

EDIT: I recently had two pharmahuasca experiences, neither of them was visual, but they did help me to become more physically present (and to understand that I was in fact NOT very physically present). Physical presence being one of the things that is improved through the Presence Process.
 
Maybe it might be a good idea, if you're really interested in DMT, to take part on a Ayahuasca ceremony with a real shaman.

If you want to go on alone, then read at least Eckart Tolle's book - The power of now.
 
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