Will I ever be the same?

[Mr.Peabody]

Obviously, the answer is no. I will never be the same.

I heard the spice calling today. I tried ignoring it. I tried making excuses why I shouldn't do it today. "Perhaps I'll wait until tomorrow" I said. Maybe I should have.... What ever I did, my mind drifted back to it.

I did a bowl of caapi leaf infused with rue. I did a small cone of caapi leaf changa. Nothing much, I was feeling short of breath as I was fairly nervous. I loaded it up again. Took a moment to control my breathing, medidtate and think of my intent. Somehow I had full lung capacity for a monster hit. I knew I over did it. I had the voice of the great Terrence McKenna in my head, "Oh I've really done it this time!"

My intent was utterly shattered. It seems laughable now. I had been hitting the changa a few times a week for the past couple weeks, and having very positive results. No break throughs, but very divine blissful experiences.

Then today.... I knew somewhere I shouldn't have done it. But that feeling was so hard to pinpoint, and so hard to notice. But it was there.

I had been feeling like, "yeah man, I got this! Dmt? yeah, I'm cool." My ego about it had been inflated, and I started kidding myself about my own power in the face of it. Today, my friends, I was humbled to the point I had never even knew was possible. I was shown so clearly how utterly tiny I am.

As it was taking hold of me my mind went from, "Holy shit, this is awesome!" To "sweet holy jesus mother f'n christ!!!!"
I lost it, I couldn't take it. I've had my ego dissolved before, but not in this manner. This seemed like more, it seemed like my very existence was in jeopardy.

It was SO cool. It was SOOO terrifying. It was the most gorgeous thing I have seen. I saw the face of this beautiful feminine presence. Was she a goddess? Was she an angel? She terrified me. I looked into her face and saw nothing but pure love. I could feel her warmth . I knew she intended only good for me. She was there to help me. But I was terrified more than I have ever been in my life. I have almost died a few times, once from nearly drowning. Those experiences are insignificant to what I felt today.

I couldn't stand it any more. I left the room, ran out of the house out into the field. I wanted it to end so badly. Luckily I calmed down, and had a moment of exhilaration mixed with laughing and crying. The trees had their tryptamine facades on which comforted me, the sun was out and I was warm.

I thought I knew DMT. I have been consulting it off and on for most of a year. It showed me how unbelievably wrong I was.

Any advice would be appreciated. I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Thanks

 

[Pandora]

Hi Mr. Peabody,

Great trip report. Thank you for sharing that.

Not sure I have any advice for you other than . . . just give it some time. Time is your ally. Time is a great helper with integration and integration is key. The Health & Safety section has additional (depth) information on this.

I do want to reassure you that many of us have had similar experiences. Here at Nexus you are far from alone in all of this glory and terror.

Thinking one knows the spice has gotten me into some interesting territory too. Funny how it really does embody novelty . . . and always demands respect. . . .

My opinion on your topic title - it is a delightful duality. Will you ever be the same? Ahh, DMT . . . . now everything is different and yet nothing has changed. Just our perspective/view. This is why integration is key.

 

[Felnik]

Yeah man just when you think you have a handle on
It it will kick your ass hard .

After a few of those I've developed a very high level
Of caution and respect for it that I maintain all the time.

Most of the time it gives you exactly what you need.
No matter how insane it gets , you will always return to normal . It is in the way you choose to integrate this new found knowledge into your normal existence that takes time and much sane contemplation

 

[mew]

without having read your experience i felt obliged to chime in as a response to your title

no, you wont ever be the same

to be the same you would have theoretically needed to freeze time at a certain moment and have 0 change, however even this status is different from the moment in question where you were moving through time...

 

[Crazyhorse]

Sounds intense! After having my own little unexpected journey last night I can definitely relate to how this stuff can catch you by surprise, just when you think you know what it's like!

It sounds like a beautiful experience to me, I hope you're left with a positive feeling about the whole thing in the aftermath.


You should draw it.

 

[Mr.Peabody]

I had waves of thought that varied between "I'll never touch another drug again" to "Maybe I should do some more right now?" I erred on the side of, "I need to put some time in between me and whatever this was."

I guess my big question is, does this ever stop happening? I felt like I was past this. I had an experience like this a few months ago, but to a far lesser extent. Somewhere in me I felt the fear build and take over. I'm thinking it was my ego. I think for more in depth trips like this, I need to get my feet wet and get used to the headspace, then do a nice big hit. I had a definite feeling of part of myself being just out of sorts at being ripped from reality so quickly. Are there people who can let the ego dissolve at a moments notice? I don't know if I'll ever get used to that.

Mew:
I understand what you are saying. The interesting thing is, the universe itself is never the same from one moment to the next!

Crazyhorse:
I don't think I'll be able to capture this one. It was something else, and unfortunately it is all quite a blur. At least for the moment.

Thanks everyone for your help! I love this community!

 

[Bill Cipher]

The same? Maybe not, but isn't that the point? Why go seeking out the transformative if transformation is not what you seek?

You'll be just fine. As Pandora said, take time for integration. It's very important, and while you are never likely to make any concrete sense of it, there are certainly ways to apply the experience into your day to day life.

Congrats and condolences. Pick whichever one you feel is applicable.

 

[Eliyahu]

Are there people who can let the ego dissolve at a moments notice? I don't know if I'll ever get used to that.

IMO, the more a person allows themselves to become their true selves, and they let go of the illusionary idea of themself that they have established, then it becomes easier to let go.
To me I believe this is because there was really nothing to let go of all along.

 

[○]

I feel you Mr.Peabody..

This experience is something that demands alot of respect and a humble approach towards. I'm glad you had such an eye-opening experience. If continued it will only get more 'eye-opening' and more intense. How far do you want to swim in the infinite?

I feel that these stronger experiences (upper dosages) are what this molecule is all about. The point seems to made pretty clearly in stronger such experiences. That point that you can't shake and will never be able to..

Welcome :thumb_up:

 

[Mr.Peabody]

Uncle Knucles:
First off, I love your name! I think I heard somewhere you're a successful architect?
And I didn't mean my title in a bad way. Today just seemed like one of those real-deal, this is it, I got a glimpse days.

Eliyahu:
I really like what you said. It is a very interesting way to view it, and I think you may be right. I forgot to tell myself before hand "whatever is going to happen, will happen" which usually lets me open up to whatever experience is about to ensue.

Tattvamasi:
I am excited at the prospects for the future. I have been in a continual state of blown-awayness, that seems to always be increasing, just when I think it's done.

 

[Pandora]

I guess my big question is, does this ever stop happening? I felt like I was past this. I had an experience like this a few months ago, but to a far lesser extent. Somewhere in me I felt the fear build and take over. I'm thinking it was my ego. I think for more in depth trips like this, I need to get my feet wet and get used to the headspace, then do a nice big hit. I had a definite feeling of part of myself being just out of sorts at being ripped from reality so quickly. Are there people who can let the ego dissolve at a moments notice? I don't know if I'll ever get used to that.

I know you are still dealing with integrating this HUGE experience, so perhaps there could be a more sensitive way of phrasing this . . . . but, I feel I should ask . . . . would you really want it to?

I find that for me, the tough ones are the best teachers, especially when I look back after about six to 12 months . . . .

I still don't find it easy to pick up the GVG. I smoked spice last night for the first time in months, but I did not go all the way. Afterwards, I was telling my husband how beautiful it was, how it helped me remember my old DMT trips, all the light, etc. and I said I needed to gut up and quit fooling around and someday soon take that breakthrough dose. His response?

"If I had a buck for every time I heard that I could buy you a new vape!"

I personally, after a huge number of trips and probably a hundred+ breakthroughs still find it to be a difficult thing to do (smoke DMT). It's the unpredictability and the intensity. So little of my every day life is like that.

Ah but for me that's the draw. Here is an opportunity to learn and grow, perhaps to even take a bit of a shortcut on that process. I don't mind shortcuts as I'm on the downside (second half) of my life. . . .

I guess, for me personally, that stress you talk about and your concerns that you may never "get over it" so to speak . . . . for me . . I wouldn't have it any other way. To have something so novel, so unpredictable, so terrifyingly and breathtakingly gorgeous at a finger's reach, just 60 seconds away and yet, given my health status as well as my set and setting, fundamentally safe . . .. It helps keep that secret little half smile going on my face . . . . .

 

[Mr.Peabody]

Thanks so much Pandora! You are right. I guess the only thing I worry about is being able to break through. I know the answer lies within me. I could have chosen to let go and open up to the experience but didn't.

I supposed if I could change it, I wouldn't. It doesn't need it. I need to change, and that's the whole point, isn't it?

 

[Dr. Fungus]

Obviously, the answer is no. I will never be the same.
...

Peabody,

This is the caviar of the game. It takes coming to the edge, screaming into the abyss, and only from that extreme venture point you can be heard across the great divide between the worlds. This is the path of the shaman, when the truth seeker is willing to put his balls on the anvil. The Man also said - hold your ground and keep your lungs moving

- "A good definition of Shamanism is - a shaman is somebody who've seen the End... And if you've seen the End, then you comeback and take your place in the play, with an entirely different attitude."

~ T. McKenna

I can say your post-journey plan of 'lots of thinking' is exactly how you should fit yourself back into the framework of our primate lives. Douglas was right from the get-go - don't panic! Take time and don't jump to conclusions. I always adhere to the notion that one has to focus all his mental energy on registering the experience and not to try analyzing it as it happens, there will be plenty of time for contemplation later.. If I may offer a good side-kick authors on the subject, Watts and Tole are good sources of inspiration at the turbulent times. If you had a rendezvous with The Gaya and almost touched her face, that means something, she doesn't do on-call rounds upon our request, you know..

 

[Purges]

You have crossed a threshold now! After this happened to me, my trips just started getting deeper and more epic, and frankly more terrifying at first. There have been times when I have questioned why I ever smoked the stuff, and others when I though that everyone needed the stuff.

The way you described it reminded me of this snippet...

NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!!!!

 

[Mr.Peabody]

Yeah, Purges, that is nearly exactly how it happened! Too funny!:lol:

Dr. Fungus, where did you get your degree? I'm interested in joining the practice! Your words have helped me adjust my attitude and how I view it, thank you.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who posted! This is such a wonderful place with such great people. Your input is greatly appreciated, and I'm sure I'll require more. And by all means, if anyone has anything more for this thread specifically, I'm more than happy to hear.

Thanks again everyone!

 

[anon_003]

.

 

[Mr.Peabody]

Thanks Sunshine!
I think, too there is a part of my mind that thinks a heavy dose will alter me in a permanent way. As if I'll break myself. I know this isn't true, but that bit came flying out of somewhere.

I also realized this experience in particular was unpleasant because of my set. Instead of studying for my calculus test the following day first, I tried the spice first. Any anxiety about my test was magnified and compounded by the fact that I hadn't studied yet. I should have known better. I wouldn't have attempted such a thing with mushrooms, so why should I with DMT? It goes back to the fact that I wasn't respecting it as I should.

I think the being I encountered was there to show me this. I got a definite message to lay off for a bit, that there is no hurry. I need to focus on my school first. Admittedly this has been a point of frustration lately. I have taken 27 credits already this year, and am in the middle of another 18. To say I'm burned out and lacking motivation is an understatement, but it's really just an attitude or state of mind.

So I'll ensure some good comes of this cosmic smacking around!

 

[autumnsphere]

Hahahaha, sooo familiar! Everyone who smokes with us is like: "Oh I'm cool, I'm ready, DMT, hell, I've tried every psychedelic there is!"
And we try to explain slowly, patiently: "Man, there is no such thing as an exaggeration when it comes to DMT... This is the most brutal thing on Earth. I've given birth to a child, it's not that brutal..." and they're like: "Oh, I'll be fine!"

And afterwards all they can say for about an hour is: "Holly fuck, holly fuck, holly fuck..." and all we can say is: "We told you so!"

Every time, every time... Asswhooping.

 

[anon_003]

Yes, set and setting could have led to a lot of the scariness. People often overlook set and setting for some reason, I think just because it's so short compared to other entheogens. But it is just as important.