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WORST possible experience

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CraigRap

Rising Star
3am, couldn't wait for a full snow globe so scraped what I could.

Put heaps in Vapour Genie and got (only) half a breath of smoke before it went clear.... great!:d

An hour later, couldn't sleep and noticed that most of the spice had gone through the 8 screens and melted to a blob in the bottom of the VG.

Heated up the bend in the VG and got in to that .... OMG!! it smashed me!

I was on a table and being roughly manhandled. I suddenly realised I had OD'd and they were the trying to revive me. I jumped up clutched my chest and saw all the blood. Fark fark fark!!!! What had I done. My poor kids. My poor kids. In frustration I pulled at my hair and saw a massive clump come out. There was nothing I could do, my life was draining away. My kids. My Kids. My poor kids ... their memory was fading arrrrrrrrrrrrrg everything was going black .... I was sitting on a bed in a white room. I just hugged myself and rocked and forced myself to repeat "I must stay here. I must stay here". Eventually it slowly dissolved away.

For the rest of the night, that feeling of dread, anger with myself and sense of loss stayed with me. I will never forget that OD/dying scene. I was worried that it did actually happen in another dimension (not very plausible?) or I'm now in a coma.

I'm a bit better now (7:30 am) and feel I have a better grasp on "reality". Some sleep to make up for this morning would help but there are a few questions rattling around in my head. Like .... How can I be 100% sure this is reality?

Seriously re-considering whether or not I should do this again. All other tries have either been not deep enough to cross over or if I had gone there, couldn't wait to get back.
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

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Everything in this post is pure fiction. Including me.
 
Well, you'll just need to take my word for it that you appear to be back if you just posted in this forum :p (in its simplest terms)

Sorry to hear about your bad trip, that must be very disturbing to say the least!
 
Thats too bad, sorry you had a bad experience. Take psychedelics often enough and your likely to have one eventually..try easing back into it with a little dose, if you decide to. It doesn't sound like an "OD" as clinical people use the term..more like just a big dose that you weren't expecting which caught you off guard. I've had the same thing happen before.

Things like this can be avoided by ALWAYS preparing set/setting (your mind and environment) for a breakthrough dose EVEN IF you think your just going to get a little dose or see whats remains in the pipe after an earlier journey. I cant tell you how many times things like this have happened to me heheh.. Often its after people have hit the VG a bunch of times-without employing proper technique-told me it was beat, and i toked it and had a full on breakthrough. The first time this happened i ended up having one of the most intense experiences of my life..you live and you learn

Oh, and was there really any blood? or was that just you tripping? Were your kids present during the experience or was that also just in the mind?
 
The OD, blood, resusitation and kids were all in my mind.

Still are unfortunately.

I am trying to imagine a more horrifying experience and I can not.

If I go again, I will ease in to it with others present.

How do I stop the spice melting through the VG?
 
Ouch. That's tough. I can relate, as on my first breakthrough salvia trip, I was sure I was either being peeled off the street, or being put back together under professional hands, all because I ripped hard so hard into it without warning the sleeping people around the house.

Ever notice how trees resemble capillaries of blood, reaching into the sky? giving life and air to so many things? after my difficult trip things like that stood out at me more. Things could be way different than we know, but...how would we know? Keep a firm but light foot 'right here' for a while, all will be well.
 
I have some weird fascination with reading bad trip reports, I swear. Sorry to hear about your experience.

It does sound like it just took you off guard and you panicked a bit. It's happened to the best of us. Either that, or maybe the spice just isn't for you? You said that it's either underwhelming, or you do breakthrough and then you're just waiting to come back. Maybe you just react badly to spice...
 
Yeah, I've crossed over before and it was nothing but immensely pleasurable.

This time it was just the most intense ... Ummm ... Badness. The worst thing wasn't that I'd killed myself but that I'd done it in front of the kids and ruined their lives in doing so. This is going to take me some time to get over.
 
Big Hug and Much Love to you CraigRap,

Based on my own DMT experiences I believe I might have a sense of just how difficult this time is for you. I would like to offer a few thoughts.

It is my sincere opinion that DMT opens all levels of our minds, including the conscious, preconscious and all levels of the subconscious. This material can be heavy and surprising. Many, many times it encompasses some of our very, very deepest fears, whether we have ever acknowledged them or not. I do not know you, I do not know your fears, but I am going to guess that they might relate to things like OD, blood, feeling out of control and/or being viewed as a failure by your kids.

It is my impression that you got shown experientally just just how very thin the veil is between our subjective experience of sensory input and reality and any potential objective reality out there.

When this happened to me it was a good thing. It can be rather enlightening I feel. I'm more likely to take a closer look at things with this knowledge. I am less likely to trust my initial sensory impressions, frankly. I am also much LESS likely to panic on future trips. Why? Simply because I now have experiential knowledge that DMT can utterly shatter my perceptions, thus if I have a future rough trip or think maybe I'm not breathing, I probably won't panic so much next time.

I feel that DMT is truly powerful medicine in every sense of the word, that goes to our very cores. I also feel that it is stronger than us, make no mistake. It's like a good, wise teacher that uses a ruler & a cane to enforce discipline in my experience. Surrender and acceptance are always best for me.

Please be kind to yourself. I encourage you to give yourself some real time to think and integrate. Perhaps with such a strong experience, time is needed to process this and what it means to you. Why did these horrible things come up at this time? From set to setting to much deeper issues, it might be worth taking a look, imho.
 
Thanks for the support Pandora.

I will take all that on board and ease back in to it ... supervised this time ;-)
 
We all get Shook sometimes. I take my smashings like everyone else. For we create our own fear, just as we create our own gratitude. Which you do is entirely up to you. You are fine, better than fine. Get back on the horse when you are comfortable.
 
Much love, Craig. I've had what seemed at the time to be really bad trips, but after integration they became learning experiences. Confronting our darkest fears in an alternate reality can be terrifying, even months after the fact. Sometimes these fears just have to be faced down -- if they are irrational, paranoid or exaggerated then perhaps your deeeeeeep subconscious is trying to get you to think hard about WHY you hold those fears and perhaps let go of them.

At the same time, sometimes behaviors that we consciously engage in cause us to be fearful, and those fears manifest themselves in our consensus and alternate realities as negative experiences. After a couple of bad trips I realized that there were a lot of things I could change in my consensus reality, and could change about myself, that would alleviate some of my darkest subconscious fears and a long held self loathing that I carried with me from childhood. Which is not to say that my work is done, but I have recognized the path I'm on and I walk it every day. And things keep getting better.

My advice is to chill a bit and process what happened... Then do it all over again with the express intent of facing those fears. This time, prepare yourself and remain calm -- no need to pull out your hair. Allow yourself to be analytical and to challenge what you're seeing. Call out the irrationality, or comprehend the message of needed change. If you truly integrate what happened, you may never experience that again. Or it may be very different. In my own experience, I integrated each time and the experiences got less severe and then even turned pleasant and comical!

Good luck bro!
 
Bad experiences are usually part of the deal, esp with unexpected high doses.

My first horrifying experience was after I had just smoked, what I thought was a sufficient dose..not much happened, I got frustrated and put a huge xtal in my lamp, which I proceeded to demolish in 1 giant puff. At once my room closed in on itself. For the next 8 minutes I was being slammed around hyperspace by a giant entity who happened to have a massive war hammer...it was the most horrifying experience I have had to date...eyes opened or closed it made no difference he was there screaming at me, tossing me around like a bug.

Always remember, you do come back.
 
Thanks everyone.
I've not had a fantastic week so far. I keep getting these waves of fear/dread/guilt. Combined with an urge to go back there and face my fears.

I have not been able to catch up with anyone I can discuss this with yet (tonight) and that may be half the problem. I usually talk things out, combined with my kids being in another state, and it's all being bottled rather than being released.

Tonight I'll talk and venture back with friends around and hopefully I'll truy convince myself that what I saw/felt/experienced was NOT real in any way. Or I'll discover it was real and this is fantasy and I'll just have to deal with that.
 
Hey Craig,

One thing I have learned after some pretty terrifying experiences (both chemically induced and from physical reality) is that they too have something to offer to further in development. Resisting the experience only gives it power, whereas allowing it to be and accepting it into your own psyche dissolves it. The same goes for everyday life -- if you resist it, the "bad" aspects like traffic or health problems, it gives them power and imbues them with negative connotations.

Ultimately nothing in external reality carries any "polar" significance -- all interpretations of dualistic reality are purely human impositions and are illusory -- "good" versus "bad", "right" and "wrong", et cetera. Things simply are. If you begin to feel yourself slide into a depression, anxiety attack, or mania, just let the conditions be but do not impose or invest a sense of self into them. Be the objective observer, not the subject of the experience.

Watch the mind -- it likes to label things immediately. But do know that these labels are false; the Truth and ineffable peace lies beyond mind and ego.

All the best! In Peace,
Wanderer
 
heh heh heh. Sorry to smirk at the report. It's just that this sort of thing has become common fare for me. I know, it's horrifying when it happens, but the aftermath is always positive, ime. I'm assuming none of the things you experienced in the trip actually happened. No hole in your chest, right? Don't worry, you're not dead, or in some other dimension or whatever. If you are in some other dimension, you'll never know anyway, so just assume everything is normal and you're the same old person in the same world. You are not the only one who has gone through this.

Perhaps there aren't enough warnings out there about the potential for these experiences. There are many rosy reports of transcendental bliss, and I don't think "The Spirit Molecule" helped at all. It was way too one sided, and to my dismay, they even described ayahuasca like a joy ride on a cotton candy merry go round, or something overly sweet like that. Not at all. I'm sure there must have been at least one scary experience for the people in that documentary. Not that I think there's anything wrong with having a scary experience. In fact, the scary stuff is often what we remember, what we learn from. It's that strong emotion that puts a mirror in our faces, shows us what we're lacking, the mistakes we've made, and what we need to fix.

You must treat these substances with the utmost respect. If you take a gvg/torch lighter and hold it to your face, treat that with the same seriousness as if you were holding a gun to your head. Even though you almost certainly won't die from smoking spice, it is very possible that you might feel like you are dying, or think you are dying. Not dying metaphorically, but literally feel like physical death is approaching, and you might experience your mind go in to a panic mode, and have very realistic visions about being mutilated, dying, going to hell, and having your soul crushed by some all powerful being. The only good thing about an experience like that is your body will probably be paralyzed for it, so you probably won't get up and make things worse.

This kind of thing isn't for everyone. I was well aware of the possibility of encountering really scary, fear of death related stuff when I got in to this. That's not for everyone. I find it useful in my life though. I find a greater appreciation for life when I face fears, and pay homage to the fate that awaits every living thing. I also feel more compassion for others, having myself experienced deep fears. I know that primal fear must exist in others, and I wouldn't want to exploit that fear in others.

Psychedelic substances seemed to me, like a fairly safe way to deal with, and experience deep fears and emotions without actually putting yourself in mortal danger, so long as you know correct doses and take the proper precautions with set/setting and sitter. What can be learned is a learning not from wordly experience, but learning about how your body and mind react and respond to certain emotional situations. You might find out what's really important to you. You might find that the person you thought you were crumbles to bits when put under stress. The aftermath of that is your opportunity to learn and integrate. I mean, how can you not put your life in perspective if you think you're dying? But, if facing your own deepest fears isn't something you want to do.... if experiencing angry psychic entities and possibly thinking you are dying isn't something you want to face, you should probably stay away from spice. I don't think people should take psychedelics if they aren't going in with a life positve attitude of wanting to learn. I'm not saying the OP had a wrong attitude, I'm just talking to potential new comers.

Also, even in the midst of horror trips, if you can get passed the fear, there is something wonderful about it. There is some sense of peace behind the horror. Something that says, "alright, you're broken, but that's ok. Your body is broken, but beyond everything that appears to be happening, the universe is immortal, and you are part of that. Take comfort in that. Rest in your true nature that is always at peace. Rest in peace". Something like that. I can't put exact words to it. Again, if if what I just said doesn't somehow resonate with you, maybe spice isn't your thing.

But there are ways to minimize the chance of a scary trip. First, DOSE LESS!! If you take the same dose that you took to get to your horror trip, it will probably happen again. I think that's just what happens if you take enough, and if the environment isn't perfect. People seem to want to smoke and get the maximum possible trip, perhaps not realizing that if you smoke enough, it's almost certain that you'll think you're dying and being taken over by some force. Smoke less. This might be blasphemy, but maybe don't even use a gvg with a torch lighter. Using a regular flame will result in a slower intake of the spice. It results in a milder trip, which have always been nothing but enjoyable. Also, bic lighters seem to usually require more than 1 inhale. You can gauge how much farther you want to go in between inhales. A torch lighter and a gvg will suck up the spice like a vacuum. You might take in more than you want before knowing.

SET AND SETTING: You went in with a bad mind set. Why were you so anxious to do this, and at 3am? What the heck. Did you even let the solvent dry? I've found that if you're impatient about your trip, the trip doesn't turn out well. There have been many warnings in trips about waiting for the right time and going in with the right mindset. If the warnings aren't headed, the trip usually lets you know it, or fails. Also, don't be so anxious about doing it again. Do it when the time is right.
 
I had an experience like this along time ago while on mushrooms and smoking pot. I was at my place and my little brother (16?) and I were drinking some really potent tea and smoking throughout the night. In the morning I was sitting on the porch watching the morning when my brother walked out of the house and asked "What's going on?" as in the greeting sense. I freaked out completely! In my mind I thought my brother had blown his mind permanently and literally did not know "what's going on". I had it in my head I would have to face my parents and tell them I led him astray with pot and mushrooms and aided him into lunacy because he no longer had a grasp on reality. This was while I was stoned and shrooming!!! I dumped the bucket of shrooms (potent-at least a gallon's worth) into the lawn, broke up all of the bud and threw that into a sewage ditch, trashed the papers and broke up a pipe in that moment. WTF??? How was I going to face my parents??? WTF???

I did eventually come down and felt foolish but it does provide a good laugh now, in retrospect.

Sorry to hear about your experience, but it will get better. I tend to think like Apoc about the setting and preparation before I travel. My worst experience with DMT was smoking right before a friend came over when we were going to see Inception. I didn't think it would hit me like it did but I just wanted 'a little' while he was driving over to pick me up. My wife was in the shower, I was on a couch in our bedroom, and I heard the older kids playing upstairs while the younger ones were in bed. When I realized how much I had ingested, I panicked and tried to control the trip in order to come down. Big mistake!!! It was a cosmic struggle in which I ultimately lost because I feared my older, cognizant children would come downstairs and see daddy tripping and my friend would show up at the same time and...ugh...it didn't happen that way but it was what I felt.

And now, I'm still happily traveling. Good luck, brother.
 
An update:
I no longer have the feeling of dread here and am now OK about the experience. I have been taking smaller doses so I don't go over, but have gone over a bit and it was straight back to the same place and same dread. My friends monitored and helped me through it. At least now I'm not dwelling on it like last time.

I understand that I need to die to pass through and I need a big hit to do that (yes, I'll use scales next time), but I'm just so very scared of that particular death.

Do I continue small doses for (say) a month and then really set up a plan for the experience, write it down, set the environment, clear the mind etc etc and go for it?

Or perhaps another suggestion
 
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