Yakub's Ayahuasca Journal

[Yakub]

Last night I had my first ayahuasca trip in six years. I recently posted a thread about my unsuccessful attempts with a Syrian rue extract that didn't yield the desired results. Yesterday I received some seeds and made a brew with 30g of them, which I then boiled down to 100ml so that 10ml=3g. I finely ground them up and poured about 1.5L of boiling water with vinegar over them in a coffee filter, then reduced on high heat.


In the other thread, we were discussing the taste and smell of the seeds, and to me, the ground-up seeds smell a lot like rolled-up mapacho. That strong smell of ammonia when you first cut it, and that goes away after it's had time to breathe a bit. The taste is awful and only seems to get worse the more you have of it

I had some leftover mimosa brew, which should have corresponded to at least 5g of root bark, but probably closer to 7, and a very concentrated brew of acacia confusa, of which 20ml=5g. I hadn't brewed any more mimosa because I thought that would be enough, but it turns out I was wrong.

21:15: Stretching and breathwork
21:45: I take a first shot of Syrian rue concentrate (3g) and sit down to meditate. The taste here honestly isn't too bad and doesn't seem to linger in my mouth. I watch my breath and bodily sensations until all that can be described as a "warm fuzzy feeling" comes over me. 20 min or so in, I feel the meditation becoming more fluid, thoughts fewer and farther between...
22:15: I drink about 2/3 of the mimosa brew and squirt 5ml of the rue into the remainder for when I redose. I now know I should have taken the whole lot, but I wanted to take it easy. I recline in my chair listening to some handpan music. I feel a little tension that can probably be attributed to impatience and concern that I hadn't taken enough, but I try to relax and wait.
22:45: I start noticing some CEVs, but not much of a shift in awareness, and decide I'll redose in 15 min.
22:50: I adjust my position, and the nausea hits me. I move to get up and immediately purge into the bucket I have to hand. There's hardly anything in my stomach, so I drink some water and vomit again. I feel a lot better after this. I brush my teeth and sit down again.
23:00: The visuals are coming on stronger, but I know I need more, so I drink the remaining mix of Syrian rue + mimosa and squirt 10ml of the acacia brew down my throat with a syringe, hoping to bypass the tongue. Doesn't work. My sense of taste seems heightened, and everything I just consumed is unspeakably disgusting. I shudder now as I remember it. I eat a banana to wash the taste from my mouth. Seems to do the job.
23:15: Visuals are getting interesting now. I'm listening to these icaros, and they're morphing to the sound of her voice:

Everything is very abstract, and I don't see anything even slightly symbolic as I have before with true ayahuasca. OEVs are subdued.
Mushrooms are cool, but IMO the visuals don't hold a candle to the colour and geometric perfection of DMT visuals.
23:30: I need to puke again. This time, I purge violently, and it feels like more of an emotional release. I clean up and allow myself to lie down on my bed (up until now, I'd been sitting).
The icaros are guiding me, and I feel pleasantly relaxed. I want to turn it up a notch with another 10ml of acacia, but I really can't face the taste...

I'm taking ayahuasca again after all these years because I currently feel like I'm in a bit of a rut after moving back to France after 2 1/2 years in Thailand. I'm struggling to find a direction and am somewhat lacking in zest for life. That said, I don't need ayahuasca to tell me what to do. I know that the life that I want lies on the other side of fear and laziness. That through discipline and consistency, and producing more than I consume, opportunities will open up. I know I need to write every day, which is partly why I'm sharing my experiences here. I also know I need to start posting content on social media, particularly YouTube. I have something of a love-hate relationship with social media, as I can see the damage it's done, but I'm decent at editing, and people tell me I have a lot to share. As I'm pondering this, I think back to an encounter I had a few days ago, which I think could make a good topic for a reel or YouTube video, as it illustrates the reverse culture shock I've experienced since coming home. As I write this, I'm no longer so sure, but I'm glad I've journaled it and will post the entry below (I wrote it more like a script to a video with memes and B-roll in mind, and some of it is ironic):

I've been back in France for a few months now, and since I'm able to communicate again and also because I'm neurodivergent, I like talking to strangers when I'm in a good mood (admittedly with mixed results, as we're about to see...)
For example, I saw this octopus in shallow water at the boat ramp. I called a guy over to look at it, and we ended up talking for a while about sea life. Sometimes I'll engage in what I think is a little lighthearted banter. One day, I was walking down by the harbour as the market was packing up, and a fishmonger walked past me pushing a trolley. A lobster jumps out of the crate and starts flapping around on the ground. It was one of those very expensive Mediterranean rock lobsters, and I said, "Oh look, you've broken it, you can't sell it now. Can I have it?" An absurd proposition to anyone of normal intelligence, but the guy just looked at me as if I'd kicked his dog.
Anyway, a few days ago I was walking down to the workout area and I saw a couple walking a Czechoslovakian Wolfdog. I'd never seen one before, so I smiled at the guy holding the lead and asked: "Is that a wolfdog?" He literally barks at me, "BONJOUR!" I ask again "C'est un chien-loup?" Again, "BONJOUR!" Now you have to understand, in France, when you address someone, you're first supposed to say "bonjour." It's just a little cultural script that allows strangers to interact without killing each other. There's even a song about it

so I should have remembered, but at the same time, I was coming at him with friendly, golden retriever energy, asking about his dog, assuming he'd be happy to talk about it like most dog owners, and he just snarled at me. Bear in mind that I live in what's probably one of the safest towns in France, and there's no reason for anyone to be on edge here. So I apologise and say "bonjour", he replies "yes, it's a wolf dog", I say "nice dog" and they walk off.
Now, I'm a sensitive young man, so that brief exchange hurt my feelings, and I'd been ruminating over it for the last few days. Last night I had some ayahuasca, and it shifted my perspective so that I saw his reaction as a trauma response. The guy wasn't physically impressive, just a 22% body fat, medium build, 40-year-old white guy, and he may well have had some kind of altercation where he'd come out worse for wear. (Vald clip again) At least that's the most charitable explanation I can think of. So instead of taking it as feedback from the world and an indication that he's a soft target and should learn how to defend himself, he walks around with a pet wolf. Now, I love dogs. Dogs are great - big dogs, small dogs, all dogs... You can have a pet hyena for all I care, but just don't keep an animal as a substitute for your own physicality unless you're a woman or homeless and really need the protection. Maybe I'm in the wrong here and shouldn't think I'm entitled to people's time and attention, but I also can't help but feel that people here are vibrating at a lower frequency than the Thais, for all their faults. Anyway, I'm not going to stop doing it, because I know some people are genuinely happy to chat. I suppose one of the underrated side effects of knowing how to fight is that you can walk around making the NPCs glitch out.

Anyway, those are some of the thoughts I had while tripping last night. Nothing deeply introspective or particularly insightful, but fun nonetheless.

I wanted to try the mimosa and acacia in isolation, but ended up having to mix both so tomorrow I'm going to try the acacia on its own. In total, last night I took 4.5g of Syrian rue and at least 7g of mimosa + acacia, so I clearly have a high threshold for DMT.

I have some ayahuasca paste and mapacho cigars in the post from Peru, but the parcel is taking forever to arrive. I'm considering doing a dieta with the ayahuasca analogues where I only eat potatoes, rice and steamed vegetables for a few days. We'll see.

 

[blig-blug]

Thank you for taking your time on writing this report. It's always surprising how much people's sensitivity can vary, I would have been in outer space with such a dose. For how long did you boil the brew?

About the bad experience with the guy with a dog, I wouldn't think too much about it. Sadly, many people see anyone they don't know as annoyances, rivals, or danger. There's not much you can do about it, and I'm sure you talked to him in a perfectly normal tone.

just don't keep an animal as a substitute for your own physicality unless you're a woman or homeless and really need the protection

Well, you don't know if that was the case or not, and if it was, so what? As long as he doesn't use his dog to bully or intimidate anyone, and as long as he treats it well, I think it's not unreasonable to keep a dog for protection. Even if there's no actual danger, it's a harmless thing to do. I see an issue with him being rude, but not with him keeping a wolf dog, honestly.

Good luck with your next experience! I hope it goes well, keep us posted.

 

[Yakub]

For how long did you boil the brew?

At least a couple of hours...

Well, you don't know if that was the case or not, and if it was, so what? As long as he doesn't use his dog to bully or intimidate anyone, and as long as he treats it well, I think it's not unreasonable to keep a dog for protection. Even if there's no actual danger, it's a harmless thing to do. I see an issue with him being rude, but not with him keeping a wolf dog, honestly.

Yeah you're quite right, I was just venting there. You never know what people have going on in their lives and perhaps if I'd just remembered to say "bonjour", we could have had a friendly chat.

 

[blig-blug]

At least a couple of hours...

You could try longer, maybe 3 boils for 90 minutes, then combine and reduce. But I agree you're probably not too sensitive to it, 2h is already significant.

I was just venting there

I understand then. It has happened to me too that after some unprompted rudeness or aggressiveness I've been ruminating on it for a while.

By the way, if you're going to brew more, you could have a second dose ready in case you don't go deep enough with the first. It makes a big difference in my experience, and the first dose "cleanses" you physically and emotionally for the second one.

 

[Yakub]

But I agree you're probably not too sensitive to it, 2h is already significant.

Yeah I usually needed a second dose when I was in Peru.

I understand then. It has happened to me too that after some unprompted rudeness or aggressiveness I've been ruminating on it for a while.

It's not that big of deal, I just need to recalibrate my behaviour after so long in the land of smiles. In France, if you just casually talk to strangers people think you're crazy haha

 

[northape]

Yeah I usually needed a second dose when I was in Peru.

Other factors to consider: How fresh is the bark? Is it powdered or not? How much white vinegar did you use (you can go as low as pH4)?
I'd also boil rue seeds (30 minutes should do the job if you have enough water). I usually use a 30ml/g.
Your doses should give a strong result, even for a hard head

It's not that big of deal, I just need to recalibrate my behaviour after so long in the land of smiles. In France, if you just casually talk to strangers people think you're crazy haha

And here I thought it happens only in Scandinavia

 

[Sakkadelic]

At least a couple of hours...

From the description you gave I understood that you poured boiling water over ground rue seeds like a drip coffee, and then boiled and reduced the tea for a couple of hours. That's not equivalent to brewing/boiling the seeds for 2 hours which would likely result in a stronger experience at that acacia/mimosa dosage. So next time if you prepare your rue tea differently, be careful that you might get a stronger trip than you expect.

 

[Yakub]

Other factors to consider: How fresh is the bark? Is it powdered or not? How much white vinegar did you use (you can go as low as pH4)?
I'd also boil rue seeds (30 minutes should do the job if you have enough water). I usually use a 30ml/g.

The bark is whole and I ground it down to a fine powder in my nutribullet.
I only add a squirt of spirit vinegar, let's say 50ml, so maybe I should be using more. Things really seemed to pick up after I took some more rue and added in some acacia so tomorrow I think I'll start with a 15ml of the rue concentrate and 20ml of the acacia brew.
Next time I'll boil the rue seeds but as they're so cheap I don't really care if I get the best yield out of them.

And here I thought it happens only in Scandinavia

The French aren't quite as standoffish as the Scandis, but they do have very rigid codes, hence the rap video with millions of views about someone getting assaulted for not saying "bonjour"

So next time if you prepare your rue tea differently, be careful that you might get a stronger trip than you expect.

Noted

Btw has anyone here experimented with taking rue with/before Ayahuasca brewed with caapi and chacruna/chaliponga?

 

[redvioletDN]

I tried pharma ayahuasca capsule with syrian rue.. ir was nothing short of a great experience and a great relief, after not having the breakthrough from extracts, noticed this method i can increase the dosage gradually depending on my tolerance

 

[northape]

Btw has anyone here experimented with taking rue with/before Ayahuasca brewed with caapi and chacruna/chaliponga?

Try not to mix different harmala plants. They are a bit different and can start to fight for the spotlight.
It's better to use a higher dose of one chosen harmala plant and work with it.
Adding some rue to an ayahuasca brew will make it stronger, but the energies can become chaotic, in my experience.

 

[northape]

Things really seemed to pick up after I took some more rue and added in some acacia so tomorrow I think I'll start with a 15ml of the rue concentrate and 20ml of the acacia brew.
Next time I'll boil the rue seeds but as they're so cheap I don't really care if I get the best yield out of them.

My guess is that your rue tea is quite weak. First, for your method of preparation, you need about 150ml/g of acidified water.
Cooking them would yield a better result and only requires 30ml/g. Additionally, we get fresh seeds in late autumn, so your material could be a few years old.
You might need a bit more to achieve the desired effect. You can also try eating the raw seeds. They will be stronger that way.

 

[Sakkadelic]

Next time I'll boil the rue seeds but as they're so cheap I don't really care if I get the best yield out of them.

It's not so much about cost and availability but knowing how much you're taking, 4g rue seeds properly brewed is a 4g rue seeds dose, 4g inefficiently brewed is ??
sure one can make a brew and test for potency and adjust their dose accordingly but it's simpler to efficiently brew for better reliability and consistency

 

[Yakub]

Try not to mix different harmala plants. They are a bit different and can start to fight for the spotlight.
It's better to use a higher dose of one chosen harmala plant and work with it.
Adding some rue to an ayahuasca brew will make it stronger, but the energies can become chaotic, in my experience.

Thanks, this is what I was wondering about.

Quoting Transform from the other thread:

"Yeah, I only powder my seeds so I can brew them like filter coffee in a single-use teabag. This filters quite effectively right from the outset, and I'm only boiling one kettle of water. An additional smaller amount of alkaloids comes out on a second brew, but rue is so cheap I don't often bother."

Maybe I misunderstood him but this was why I went with the coffee filter method. I poured a decent amount of water through it, but definitely not 150ml/g so I must have left a lot of the good stuff behind.
While the first jar came out very thick and cloudy, the subsequent pulls just looked more and more like light urine so I assumed I'd extracted most of the alkaloids.
When you talk about acidified water, roughly how many ml of 9% spirit vinegar per litre of water would that be?

Additionally, we get fresh seeds in late autumn, so your material could be a few years old.

I don't think there's much demand for Syrian rue where I'm from, and there were only two websites shipping from my country so the seeds may well be years old.
(Edit: I hadn't looked at the bag carefully and the seeds are actually from last September)

It's not so much about cost and availability but knowing how much you're taking, 4g rue seeds properly brewed is a 4g rue seeds dose, 4g inefficiently brewed is ??
sure one can make a brew and test for potency and adjust their dose accordingly but it's simpler to efficiently brew for better reliability and consistency

All good points. I'll finish this batch knowing that I have to take a bit more of it, and then I'll adjust the dose down next time I do a more complete extraction.

Thanks for the tips.

 

[northape]

Quoting Transform from the other thread:
Maybe I misunderstood him but this was why I went with the coffee filter method.

You can always send him a message for clarification

When you talk about acidified water, roughly how many ml of 9% spirit vinegar per litre of water would that be?

1-2 teaspoons per liter should be enough for rue, and you can use a bit more (2-4 teaspoons) for the bark tea.
A lot of the vinegar is going to evaporate during the reduction stage. You can also buy pH paper strips to test your water.

Edit: I hadn't looked at the bag carefully and the seeds are actually from last September

That's good, although the potency of seeds can vary depending on the region. Try cooking them next time and see if you notice any difference.

 

[blig-blug]

A lot of the vinegar is going to evaporate during the reduction stage

There shouldn't be any significant loss of acetic acid because its boiling point is higher than water. So the acetic acid concentration will increase during the reduction stage.

 

[northape]

There shouldn't be any significant loss of acetic acid because its boiling point is higher than water. So the acetic acid concentration will increase during the reduction stage.

One learns something new every day. I've been saying this nonsense for years
@Yakub Buy some pH strips then and test. I think my ratios are sound, but still...
I like my rue tea at pH6, and barks can go as low as pH4.

 

[blig-blug]

One learns something new every day. I've been saying this nonsense for years
Buy some pH strips then and test. I think my ratios are sound, but still...
I like my rue tea at pH6, and barks can go as low as pH4.

The pH would go lower in any case, so it's not a problem to add more than necessary at the beginning.

 

[northape]

Based on my experience and discussions with @dithyramb, too much acid leads to a harsh brew.
It even seeps into the energy of the medicine, so it's better to use the absolute minimum.
That depends a lot on your local water source though, so try to test it at least once.
Water acidified to a pH6 should be enough, and is the typical pH for ayahuasca brews in the Amazon.

 

[Transform]

You can always send him a message for clarification

@Yakub - or even t@g me so I get a notification. I like my technical discussons to be available to everyone.

It should be borne in mind, in attempting to be concise in my posting there's often several pages worth of footnotes that get omitted. Many more salient details can be found not only in my posts, but also throughout the rest of the forum. Navigating this ever-growing sea of information and noise becomes a matter of teamwork as well as a personal responsibility - nothing I say should be taken as gospel, and if there's one thing being at the Nexus has taught me, it's to be happy in being proven wrong through high-quality information.

And sorry, I'm still terrible at collating my notes!

 

[Yakub]

And sorry, I'm still terrible at collating my notes!

No problem! I've had a look through your posts, and they're all over the place If you have a personal database, perhaps AI could be of use for organising them. I've played around with an Obsidian plugin, and there's some potential there. I'm not sure if there are any privacy concerns, but in any event, I don't have sensitive information in my notes, so I'm not worried.

Anyway, on to the trip report. This one could be long...

So on Saturday, I sat once again with the medicine, this time, with rue and acacia confusa.

I like to prepare my body and mind to receive the plants by doing some yoga. This time I did a fairly intense hips session, followed by bhastrika pranayama and 30 minutes of Vipassana meditation. I drank the rue before the bhastrika, so 45 minutes before taking the acacia. I wasn't paying careful attention to the time, but I didn't want to be awake until 3 AM again, so I would have taken the rue around 20:00.

I think my rue extraction was only about 50-75% efficient because I'm doing another one now where I've boiled the powdered seeds, and the brew is much darker and cloudier. I took 1.5x the amount I took the first time, which would correspond to 4.5g of properly extracted rue, but in reality, it would have been around 3g or less. As for the acacia, I'd forgotten the concentration and took 20ml, thinking it was 5g. I was supposed to take 30ml, so my first dose of acacia was 3.3g.

After 45 minutes, I was getting some nice visuals, but I knew I had to go deeper, so I took another dose of rue (1/3 of the first dose) and another of acacia, taking my total acacia dose to 5g. I was already feeling nauseous, but I had some ginger and a banana and tried to hold it down long enough for it to take effect. It came on strong after that, and within about 20 minutes, I purged hard.

After purging and cleaning up, I felt way better and was able to relax into the experience. I did notice a qualitative difference between the mimosa visuals and those of the acacia. What the mimosa showed me was more "carnavalesque", with higher contrast, sharper edges, more saturated colours, and faster movement. It was the closest I've been to smoked DMT. The acacia visuals were more intense (probably as a result of taking more rue), but also a lot more spacious, less "in your face". I felt like I was contemplating the immensity of the universe breathing and slowly morphing. Both experiences were stunningly beautiful, but each one had its own "vibe". I've heard people say that acacia has a more compassionate, "feminine" energy. I suppose I can see where they're coming from.

This trip took me deep, and the healing was noticeable. It also offered me some practical insights and inspiration.

My father sexually abused me when I was very young, probably under 5. I have no conscious memory of this, but the medicine (both mushrooms and ayahuasca) has been trying to tell me it happened for years now. In 2014-15, I went to see a therapist because I was feeling burnt out and depressed. The second time we met, he put me into a hypnotic trance and told me to picture a chest. I had no trouble bringing to mind an old antique trunk we had from the 1930s or thereabouts. It was nothing fancy and could have been military surplus. He told me to open it and take something out. I took out a WWI artillery shell (it had 1918 stamped on the bottom) that had had the propellant removed. I remember us buying it at a car boot sale when I was around 5 or 6. It must have been an armour-piercing round because it was solid steel and around 50mm in diameter. The whole thing would have been 25-30cm long. Now you don't have to have read the complete works of Freud to see the symbolism. The therapist must have known he was onto something and was eager to book another appointment, and maybe we did, and I cancelled - I honestly can't remember. I only remember telling him I couldn't afford therapy, which was somewhat true because I was a student at the time, but also a cop-out. If I'd wanted to continue, I would have found the money. Not long after this, I had a large dose of mushrooms alone at home, and then it hit me. I understood what had happened and was filled with anger and hatred. I think I may have cried a bit. This all happened a long time ago, so the memories are fuzzy.

My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 14. I can say in all sincerity that he was a kind and gentle man who worked hard to provide for his family. He had always loved France, and we moved there from England when I was 10. I like to think the last years of his life were the happiest, enjoying the sun, wine, and food of Provence. Less than a month before his death, his boss had been kind enough to let us have the family villa in the hills to celebrate his 50th birthday with his family from England, and he seemed very happy that day. I genuinely believe that what happened in my early years only occurred once and that he knew he'd made a mistake and regretted it. He must have just hoped I'd forget about it, which I did.

I think he was sexually confused his entire life and would have been a confirmed bachelor had it not been for my mum, who he met at work and who pursued him quite aggressively from what I can tell. My grandmother (who was widowed when my dad was 21) was very relieved - she'd been signing him up for singles groups... In fact, I think the first holiday my parents went on together was a singles trip that my grandmother had booked for my dad... Looking at pictures from before I was born, the postures he held and the way he used to dress were quite indicative... I've discussed all this at length with my mum, and she knows she made a mistake. There was genuine love and affection between my parents, but she never felt truly desired. Either way, they still had three children, of whom I was the first.

When he died, I don't think I grieved. We'd been growing apart for the last few years. He used to do things with me when I was a child, like making model planes and launching model rockets, but he didn't seem to know how to relate to a pubescent boy. The hardest part was dealing with my grieving mother, who was losing her mind in a country where she barely spoke the language and had no support network. Thankfully, she met a very good man six months later, with whom she stayed until he passed away in 2019. I resented him terribly at first and never really bonded with him, although my feelings towards him softened a lot as the years went on. He provided a father figure for my brother, who was 8 at the time of my father's death, and for that, I'll always be grateful.

I developed an autoimmune thyroid disease when I was around 15 that went undiagnosed for over a year, and caused me a lot of suffering. I stopped growing, was tired, and cold all the time, had no strength... I had to be taken out of school around May of 2008, and when my mum finally lost patience with the incompetent doctors and rushed me to hospital in September, my TSH was 511 (normal reference range is 0.5-3.5). I've been on replacement thyroid hormone ever since. When I started growing again, I developed scoliosis and have lived with that since.

I don't want to go on too long about my family history and health problems, but I feel like I need to give some background to explain why I was drawn to plant medicine in the first place.

Anyway, back to what occurred when I was a young child, and that keeps coming up in my psychedelic experiences. Another indication that something happened is that I started wetting the bed from around age 5 to age 10. I also went to see a kind of psychic in 2022 when I was losing a lot of money trading crypto, and he confirmed to me that something had happened.
Despite this, part of me has been resisting accepting it all this time, and so it's carried on having a lingering effect in the form of a simmering anger and tension in the muladhara chakra region, which I felt being cleansed during this last trip. I thought I'd processed it and forgiven him, but apparently I still have some emotions that need working through. This is also partly why I'm posting the story on an anonymous psychonaut message board. I would never talk about this publicly, to avoid hurting my sister, who I know was devastated at losing him. I will have to spend more time with ayahuasca, but I can see I'm moving in the right direction.

The strangest synchronicity occurred last week. I received a message on WhatsApp from a girl I'd met in my last year at university and with whom I'd had quite a passionate romance. We hadn't spoken in about 8 years. The relationship was messy because she had a child (still does) and was in the process of leaving the father. We were both studying psychology and shared a lot of similar interests. I told her that I had to go and see the shamans in Peru, and she told me she'd still be there when I came back 5 months later. In retrospect, I understand that it was silly of me to expect a pretty young woman to wait all that time, especially as she'd just left the baby daddy and was single again. We'd only been seeing each other for five months, if I remember correctly. I like to think I would have taken it better if she'd just been honest and told me she'd met another guy, rather than giving me some wishy washy excuses and letting me find out by myself, but I think I'd have been gutted either way. Anyway, she just contacted me out of nowhere with my phone number, which she somehow found by googling my name because she couldn't find me on social media. We ended up spending 2 hours catching up over text. She seems to be doing OK, still living in the same city where we met. Her son is now 15, and it sounds like she's raised him well. His father died at a young age of a stroke, I want to say about a year after our relationship, and she broke the silence to tell me this. We didn't talk after that. The topic of ayahuasca came up, and I told her that I'd ordered some ingredients and was about to take it again. We followed each other on Instagram, and she doesn't seem to have changed much; she's still very pretty. I reflected on all this a lot during the last trip. I'd let go of any feeling of resentment towards her long ago, and it felt good to hear from her again. She told me she paid for what she did to me and then some with the guy she met while I was away. He was never abusive but had all kinds of issues with drugs and the like, and after three years, they split up. I know her getting in touch again isn't entirely innocent. She's been single again for a few months and was telling me how much she's grown as a person and all that... "I have two weeks off at the end of August, don't have any plans yet..." We haven't spoken again since last week. I suppose I'm leaving the ball in her court, but part of me wants to talk to her again.

The ayahuasca also gave me some ideas for business. Basically, all I need to do is tell my story of how I've overcome different health issues and such, and offer consultations. I've grown to develop a kind of revulsion towards the whole online coaching/course-selling space because there are so many grifters out there, but at the same time, I have a psychology degree, I've competed in muay thai at a decent level and I've had to learn a lot about health and the human body over the years as a result of living with a chronic illness so I don't think anyone can accuse me of being a grifter. I've had people around me telling me I ought to do this for a while, but I've just been getting in my own way. Imposter syndrome and all that... The ayahuasca gave me some reassurance that it was possible and that I just had to take action. I feel like at some point I'm going to have to return to Peru to train under an ayahuasquero. I love this medicine so much.